Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Return of The Random

Whenever I pop in to do a monthly update, as seems to be my habit (which I will be stopping, because I made an August resolution to update regularly, like, for real, as God is my witness, and I will also never go hungry again), I feel like an inattentive mother remembering that she has a child. I think this is mostly because I am insane and also watch too many soap operas.

But an awful lot has happened lately, hasn't it? I can't believe that I didn't make a post solely to praise Emily Blunt for showing the world the most perfect examples of bitchface and eyerolling in recent memory. She needs a monument in her honor, I think.

Since my as yet undiagnosed and entirely made up ADD prevents me from remembering events that happened more than a week ago, I am going to reserve my comments for things that happened relatively recently.

  • Okay, this has nothing to do with pop culture, but I just realized that the phrase I hate most in the world is "take care" because (1)it's so generic and lame and (2)I never know how to respond to it. Thank you? You too? I am hopeless and am beginning to think I wasn't socialized properly because I get flummoxed by it, and I often say "you, too" when waiters serve me at restaurants. There is something wrong with me.

  • Bobby Abreu is on the Yankees. I am actually really relieved that they made this trade, if only because it effectively means that Gary Sheffield won't be back next year, which, huzzah! I can't stand Gary Sheffield for myriad reasons including his bad attitude, his use of steroids, his bad attitude, his batting stance, the fact that his wife had sex with R. Kelly, and his bad attitude. If we could only do the same and erase Randy Johnson (elderly), Jaret Wright (unable to locate the strike zone), Sidney Ponson (drunkard), Carl Pavano (useless), Tanyon Sturtze (same) and Jason Giambi (greasy; called Giambino in supremely irritating fashion by Yankees broadcasters), I would be the happiest person ever.

    All this means is that the contracts of the above will be extended, they will be given raises and even more horrible people will make their way onto the roster. Such is life.

    I am also looking forward to being able to make jokes about troll dolls every single day, because that will never get old for me (tragically, I am being completely sincere on that count).

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us = Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Uncanny!

  • Watching Curt Schilling get shelled on Sunday made me embarrassingly happy. I may have gotten drunk and danced gleefully around my house, I will neither confirm nor deny those reports.

  • The entire world can now see that Mel Gibson is a freakshow. Most of us already knew already, so this is just confirming what we knew to be true. I announced to one of my lit classes that Gibson was a damn nutbar back in 2004, and they all disagreed, but who's laughing now, former ENG362 students?! How was it not ridiculously obvious to people, what with the religious zealotry, the crazy eyes, the manic interviews, and What Women Want. I love it. I also love how lame his apologies have been:
    "I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse."


    The blatant ploy for sympathy at the end aside (if he had written that on instant messenger, it would have ended with an emoticon of sorts, like :o''( or something), I love how he says he said things that he does not believe to be true. You can get me drunk enough that I need to get my stomach pumped, and I wouldn't start screaming things that I don't believe to be true, like that Kevin Federline is handsome, or that Sienna Miller has great fashion sense. Nice try, Gibson, but we can't be fooled.

  • Project Runway 3 is awesome. I do have moments where I think I should picket outside of Bravo Headquarters to get more screentime for the fabulous and criminally underrated Michael Knight, but then I remember that the season was already filmed and edited, so it would be useless, and it's really hot out, so I would get cranky on the picket line. But let me state for the record that if Michael doesn't advance far into the competition, I will...I will be sad.

    And I know I am falling right into the producers' clever trap in saying this, but Keith: honestly. Enough. Enough with the Keith. He's almost beaten Daniel Franco on the list of most horrible reality tv contestants; I don't think a day will come when I loathe someone more than Franco. But anyway, everything about Keith just screams "I'm better than you and I know it", as if he were a fashionable, thin version of White Goodman from Dodgeball, with more questionable sexuality and an inability to keep his eyes open. What is with that? Is it drugs, or does he just not think the general public is deserving of him making eye contact with us? I do wishe he'd stay around for a while, if only to cruelly mock Angela, who I think is a serial killer of sorts who they attempted to reform and now she satisfies her evil urges by creating ghastly garments.

  • Colin Farrell is allegedly stalking Dessrae Bradford, who confronted him on The Tonight Show with a copy of her latest book, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy and rantings that he is crazy. That is hilarious enough in and of itself, because wouldn't you think she'd mention the numerous STDs she would have gotten simply by being within three feet of him? Or perhaps those are detailed in the book. But what makes this absolutely BRILLIANT is that Ms. Bradford (if you're nasty) is the same genius who brought us I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass. This kind of crazy could power a locomotive. I love her, a little.

    It has been pretty much awesome these last few days, suffocating and painful heat wave aside. Yay!

    Mallory at 8/02/2006 04:06:00 PM

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    1 Comments

    at 10:21 PM Blogger Kenneth M. Walsh said...

    What are you talking about? Barry Zito is totally hot and Carl ain't too hard on the eyes, either.

     

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