Friday, October 21, 2005
Top Model: An Insider's Guide
At any given time, there are several thoughts running around my head: baseball, what to eat as a snack, cheesy TV shows and, occasionally, paying the bills. I never said I was deep. To spare my foreign and otherwise bored readership, I will give the baseball chatter a quick break (stopping the break briefly to mourn the loss of Mark Mulder from postseason baseball and my television screen. Oh, Mark. Didn't we almost have it all?) and move on to the glorious hour of television that gets you high on life while simultaneously killing your brain cells. That's right, I am talking about America's Next Top Model.
Top Model is the type of show that people laugh at you for watching; the type of laugh where they snicker derisively and then try to cover it up when it turns out that you are being completely sincere. I mean, sure, it's on UPN. And fine, it's produced by Tyra Banks, who may be the cheesiest personality on television. And yes, it's an hour of stupid people saying stupid things. But what is life for if not to mock stupid people and occasionally marvel at them when they look pretty?
I have recapped ANTM before, but there have been changes in the ANTM universe since then. Oh, don't get me wrong, Tyra is still there, solemnly saying "9 beautiful girls stand before me, but I only have 8 pictures in my hand" at the elimination ceremony. Nigel Barker is still there, being a sexy bitch. Jay Manuel is still kicking around, making me wonder if I should get a defense attorney on retainer, just in case I finally crack and murder him.
Janice Dickinson is no longer part of the cast; I assume that Tyra had finally had it with her zany ways and attempts at molesting Tyra on air and kicked her to the curb, in order to ruin The Surreal Life (well, as much as that particular show can be ruined). She has been replaced by the remarkably well preserved Twiggy, who doesn't say much but occasionally compliments the models in a delightful British accent. Nole Marin was summarily replaced by runway coach J. Alexander, who doesn't seem to like anyone and wears a big corsage with flowers representing each model continuing on in the competition. Hey, I never said the show wasn't gimicky.
Are the wannabes really ever going to be Top Models, as the title implies? To quote Whitney Houston, hell to the naw. There's that whole being too old, fat and short for the modeling industry thing going on, as well as the historical precedent set by the show's previous winners who have gone on to such illustrious paths to stardom including appearing on the cover of Psychology Today, humping a Brady onscreen, visiting the Cover Girl factory and dating Missy Elliott. But if you've familiar with real top models like Lily Cole and Gemma Ward, you know that they still live with their parents, and what would the fun be in observing them home with their folks? That's why this show is so genius, as it puts a dozen unstable girls in close proximity to one another with cutthroat elimination ceremonies interspersed between day-to-day life and they all start to lose bits and pieces of their mind. I swear that at least three of the remaining girls are emotionally disturbed. Somehow, dressing them in pretty clothes and taking their picture makes it entertaining and not exploitative.
So. Cycle 5 (for reasons unknown to me, they insist on calling the seasons Cycles and not Seasons, and stupid things like that don't exactly help me when I am trying to rationalize my love for this show) is the "Bling" cycle. I have no idea what that means. For starters, hasn't "bling" been passe for the past, say, six years? And none of the photo shoots are particularly bling-y, but searching for logic in this show is like searching for Tom Cruise character traits that aren't absurdly creepy. What makes this particular cycle so interesting is that the girls are mostly photogenic. All of them are too old and too short to be real models, of course, meaning that they have no chance in hell of being a real top model, but that's beside the point. Following the fugly catastrophe that was Cycle 4 (though Brittany was gorge), these girls can actually take a good picture (well, most of them) and are entertaining to boot. Let's recap, shall we?
Already gone are Ashley (she offended the judges by saying that her family has a pretty gene), Ebony (eliminated for looking like a man. They didn't say it explicitly, but I'm down with subtext), Sarah (had lips made for pornos and couldn't walk to save her life), Diane (Too old + plus sized + not particularly pretty = bye) and Coryn (Eliminated for being "too sad". I'm sure she knows a lot about sadness and crying because The Crying Game is almost definitely the story of her life). <--Link safe for work, but not safe for life.
So who's next? So glad you asked!
Bre
Bre is cute. She stomps down the runway like a horse, which the judges love, but I don't. She's not particularly stunning or modelly, but she has a really cute personality. I know that counts for nothing, but, hey, that's the kind of world we live in. Tyra's all about the personality, and she is worried that the competition is causing Bre's personality to fade. I think that's a reasonable guess, as the girl was critiqued for having a big forehead and buck teeth, but what do I know?
Jayla
Jayla's shtick is being a former Jehovah's Witness gone ca-razy. She's pretty, and working the pale skin/dark hair/light eyes thing, but this week, during a commercial, she stole a line that Nik was using and when she later learned that Nik was upset, she totally lost it and made a rage-filled confessional about how something big is going to go down if Nik wasn't eliminated, and it was really terrifying. I have no doubt that this girl would cut a bitch while she slept. At the elimination, when Nik was in the bottom 2, she gave an evil smirk that made me realize just how unbalanced this chick is. I then made the mistake of reading her myspace blog, which rendered me blind and dumb. You can try reading it, but the underlying theme throughout is that she's crazy.
Kim
Freaking Kim. Despite looking like the child that would surely be born from an unholy union between Timmy Turner and Alvin the Chipmunk, Kim has somehow tricked most viewers and the judges into thinking she's hot. I'm sorry, I just don't see it. The reason she is still around--it surely isn't her photos, which uniformly suck--is because she is a reality TV gem: A shit-talking lesbian. In the third episode of the show, she hooked up with Porn Mouth Sarah, which was broadcast for the world to see in the night-vision film that made Paris Hilton's sex tape so memorable. And in every episode to date, Kim has either instigated feuds, prolonged feuds or spent her confessional time bitching about somebody. I'd admire all qualities if she was qualified to be there, but she's not. Also, she's all pissy that they are trying to make her feminine, like, hello, dumbass, put your Wesleyan education to use and realize that YOU SIGNED UP FOR A MODELLING SHOW, STUPID, and makes these comments like "I'm masculine" and it's just--shut up, Kim. I can't deal with her.
Kyle
Kyle is the most conventionally pretty of all of the contestants. She's sort of low-budget. She's very pretty, but not particularly edgy or intriguing. None of that stopped Josie Maran, of course, so she's got a shot. She also sounds exactly like the mom on Bobby's World and talks out of the side of her mouth. I do like her, though, just because she is a manager at the Dairy Queen. Could someone responsible for such delicious concoctions be bad?
Lisa
Oh, Lisa. Oh, Lisa. Where to even start? I suppose I should begin by mentioning that she is physically repulsive. There are some times that I have to look away from the screen because I find her so ugly. There's also the fact that she is a wino. An admitted wino. She brought a huge stash of liquor to the show with her and drinks constantly, leading to a conversation she had with a tree in the yard that she named Cousin Itt. I could not make that up. She also constantly criticizes the girls in the house, telling them how to pose or walk, and she and He-Man Coryn came to blows over Lisa calling Coryn too toned (which she is), leading Coryn to call Lisa an alcoholic bitch (which she is). So she's horrendous looking with a heinous personality and yet she manages to take good pictures whenever she is in front of the camera. It's uncanny, really. Did I mention that she talks to trees? She also caused the hot tub to overflow with bubbles and wore a sequined headdress to the judging ceremony. Think about that horrid, sun-ravaged, Picasso face wearing a sequined headdress. The stuff of nightmares. Freaking fruit loop.
Nicole
Nicole is pale to the extreme and looks like Marie Osmond and yet...it works. She's very photogenic and lovely, but incredibly dull. She and Kyle won a contest that gave them the prize of hosting The Fabulous Life of Supermodels on VH1 and girl is stiff as a board. Just boooring. My desk is more bubbly and charming. But the pictures are so good and I can see her on the cover of ElleGirl, so she may just take it all and I wouldn't mind.
Nik
Nik is my favorite, by a mile. I think she's gorgeous and I love her walk, and I think she is just perfect. She's supremely oversensitive, as evidenced by her spat with Jayla, and she has bug eyes, but the total package is awesome.
If there was any justice in the world, Nik and Nicole would be in the Top 2. But since there is no sense or logic used in this show, it will probably come down to Kyle and Freaking Kim, and Kim will win, just to spite me.
So I implore you all to tune in and watch, because it's really fun to watch skinny people have catfights (see: Dynasty) and get screamed at by judges for being ugly. Wednesdays at 8 on UPN, you guys--you're welcome.
Mallory at 10/21/2005 03:56:00 PM
1 Comments
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at 11:52 PM
CLC said... Obviously, I just have a one track mind - but that pic of Mulder you provided is the best yet! "He's so dreamy!!!" *Reverential sigh*
This is the first ANTM cycle I have watched on a first run basis, and I find myself being a little disappointed, but I think it may just be Tyra-fatigue, coupled with my frustration of not being able to watch 12 episodes in a row. (The wisdom of watching ANTM in 12 hour batches to be debated at another time). But really, I think, much as I hate to admit it, that I miss Janice (also ironic, since I agree that she pretty much made the Surreal Life unwatchable this season...)