Thursday, March 30, 2006
Ew!
I know I've been gone for, uh, a long time and I know how lame it is to just pop in to be a she-harpy and freak out about another couple that pairs a mentally ill female with an overcompensating uber-straight man but OH MY GOD, STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF.
What is going on here? If they were closer to the guardrail, I'd guess that he was going to push her off or something, because he looks so profoundly uncomfortable touching a person with a vagina. Why is she wearing a duster and a trucker hat? Why is his skin such a frightening color? Why has the world gone insane?
ENOUGH, Teri Hatcher. ENOUGH. We get it-you used to be a has-been and now you're famous again! Bwah! Isn't it funny how life works out? You go to every red carpet event in the world and laugh like a freaking mentally ill person at jokes that no one has made, and you angrily refute benign "gossip" items about you, and it made the entire world roll their eyes but this is just going too far. We can smell your desperation. Staging an elaborate fake PDA with RYAN EFFING SEACREST is probably the most ridiculous (and icky) thing I have ever seen in my life, aside from Katie Holmes and her constantly changing stomach shape.
This is wrong. SICK and WRONG. Innocent people might be in line at the supermarket patiently waiting to buy food for their kitten and they will be assaulted by these US Weekly photos and die on the spot, leaving the poor little kitty HUNGRY at home, so that makes you guilty of KITTEN MURDER, Teri and Ryan. I hope you sick freaks are happy.
Mallory at 3/30/2006 04:24:00 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Oscar Night The Gadfly Way
11:31---I am going to try to think happy thoughts. Let's look at the night's fashions!
Reese!
So pretty!
Keira Knightley.
She looked quite nearly flawless.
Salma Hayek.
Unreal. Spectacular. Gorgeous. Etc.
The Clooney.
Perfection.
Amy Adams
Who? Also, ew.
Naomi Watts
Wrong In Every Way
Charlize Theron
Utterly tragic
****
All in all, I thought the awards were right, except for the glaring horror that was Best Picture. But Clooney and Reese won, so I suppose I should be grateful.
11:30---No, really, the fact that Crash spawned that pathetic original song number with the hugging and the fire and the zombies should have taken it out of the running.
11:28---Still speechless, but thank you for the marvy hosting job, Jon!!!
11:26---No, seriously, what the fuck? I'm angry all the time AND NOW I KNOW WHY.
11:23---WHAT THE FUCK? I am speechless. This is seriously unbelievable.
11:21---Ewwwwwwwww, why is Jack Nicholson presenting Best Picture? VOM! He's so gross.
11:19---Ang Lee! Oh, hurrah! Sanity is restored! "I wish I know how to quit you". Okay, aside from that, his speech is seriously adorable, what with the thanking Ennis and Jack and all. Yay for Ang Lee!
11:18---I am seriously going to need to turn to drugs to make it through the work day tomorrow. So tired! Here is Tom Hanks and his skeevy hair to present the award for Best Director. The Oscar goes to...
11:15---I don't know anyone who actually liked Crash.
11:12---Uma Thurman's makeup is not looking so hot. She's here to present Best Original Screenplay to... (Go Clooney! Go Clooney!)...Crash. Um, ew.
11:09---And Adapted goes to Brokeback! Yay! Her dress is very...low cut.
11:07---Housewives joke! Dustin Hoffman is here for the screenplay awards. I have such a soft spot for this man and I am not sure why.
11:00---Aaaand the Oscar goes to.....REESE! EEEEE! EEEEEE!!! I looooove her. She's sooooo pretty and so cute. The camera is all up on Ryan waiting for her to forget him, but awww! Her speech is darling. She is the best.
10:57---OMG Best Actress. Jamie Foxx looks nice. OMG! Nervous! Suck it, Dench.
10:54---"They ate the third tromboneist". Heh. Ewwww, John Travolta, ewwww. Why was he invited? I really don't like this world. Cinematography goes to...Memoirs of a Geisha. Whatevs.
10:51---I would just like to state for the record that if Reese Witherspoon loses, I will be heartbroken. Reese 4evah!
10:49---WHY THE FUCK IS JOHN TRAVOLTA HERE? HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?
10:47---Aaaand the Oscar goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman, as expected. Pigford knows he didn't have a shot and is just smiling. His speech is pretty cute; I love shoutouts to mommas! Hee, Janelle says, "If I wanted to see a tubby man get all flustered i'd watch i dunno i'd go down to the bus station or some shit" Ha! Not excruciatingly bad.
10:44---Hilary Swank looks STUNNING and is here to present Best Actor. OMG! Exciting. I sort of want a David Straithairn upset. Something about that man fascinates me. Who will win?!?!?!
10:42---A very sparkly Ziyi Zhang presents Crash with Best Film Editing. Huh. Happy Birthday, Winner's Dad!
10:40---Jon dances! But don't you think Marty Scorcese cries every night without you reminding him of his pathetic, Oscarless life?
10:37---Why is there someone out there who is not over Will Smith? Best Foreign Language film. I have not seen any of these films, but I like the man who won. Charming!
10:31---Who will win? They give it up for Pat Morita. Nothing for Joel Hirschorn, ouch. Lukewarm applause for Barbara Bel Geddes. Big applause for Shelley Winters. Huge applause for Anne Bancroft. Surprisingly meh reception for Richard Pryor. Bancroft emerges victorious!
10:30--CLOOOOOOOOONEY! He tells them to sit down. OMG! DEATH MONTAGE! He got the best gig ever! Oscar + Death Parade = Best night evah!
10:29---King Kong wins. You could seriously not pay me enough to sit through that movie. People have tried to get me to change my mind, but no. No way.
10:26---Sound editing. Faux commercial! Woo! "Paid for by Wylie Stateman's mother". Love! Jennifer Garner is here to present. She almost falls! OMG! She looks so gorgeous, though
10:25---Oh, Jon! Interpetive dance shoutout!
10: 24---I actually just had a seizure. That was so fabulous and bizarre and I feel like I just got high.
10:23---SHUT THE FUCK UP OMGOMGOMG "It's Hard Out There For A Pimp" wins OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
10:22---That was seventeen shades of fab. Latifah is out to present the award for Best Original Song. My mother saw the Queen when she went to a taping of Emeril (please don't judge her) and said she's more than gorgeous. I luffs her. If Dolly doesn't win, I will be soooo pissed.
10:19---Luuuuuuda introduces Three Six Mafia. It's crunktastic! The only thing that could make this better is reaction shots.
10:15---I didn't know it was possible to be as in love with oneself as M. Night Shyamalan is.
10:10---I love when awesome people get standing ovations. He is seriously amazing! I sound like such a gushing fangirl, but that's how brill he is. Awww, he thanked his wife so sweetly! Okay, that last bit made me start crying.
10:06---Clippy clippy clip. I seriously love this man. All of these movies are so fantastic.
10:03---And Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep (<33333) are here to present an award for...um, this banter is strange. Meryl's laughter is full of self-loathing. This is hurting me. Michelle Williams can't hide her confusion, but Jen Aniston is in the background laughing (SUCK IT, JOLIE!). I do so love Robert Altman, so I am glad that he gets an honorary Oscar. I also hope that his speech is short. Overlapping dialogue is the love.
10:00---Eric Bana is too sexy for his own good. I have the vapors! Far too sexy to be presenting Best Sound Mixing.
9:56---Jake Gyllenhaal is so damn goofy looking. I don't know what this montage is actually for, but since it showcased West Side Story, I'm game!
9:55---I am taking this attempt at spicing up the ceremony as a personal shoutout
9:53---It's that time of the ceremony when I start to get really tired and bored and irritable and pray for a snowstorm so I don't have to go to work in the morning. Something exciting needs to happen. I am thinking perhaps of a bloody battle to the death, or maybe a streaker or Steve Carell performing standup. Or Steve Carell performing standup while beating up Russell Crowe.
9:49---Another Oscar for Brokeback Mountain. The score really was pretty.
9:45---Itzahk Perlman plays the nominees for Best Score. The only word I can think of is "how quaint", so that will have to do.
9:43---Damn Salma Hayek to hell for being 39 and looking like that.
9:42---STATE OF THE HEART? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. How can he mention Gregory Peck (My first husband) in the same sentence as that crap?
9:40---I love gratuitous Susan Sarandon jokes. Here's the president of the Academy! Woo! Blah blah speech, blah blah anti-piracy, blah blah blah.
9:36---Samuel L. Jackson, what what! A social change montage. I am on board, if only for the glimpse of my first husband Gregory Peck.
9:32---Why did Sandra Bullock marry Jesse James and not Keanu Reeves?
9:26---What the HELL is going on in the background? What is this? The world has failed me. My stomach hurts. I seriously have no words. This is the biggest WTF moment of the day. I am so confused. It's just---why? What? Why? How deliciously...subtle.
9:23---I still don't know why Jennifer Lopez is here, talking about Crash. Is it because she is Latina? She looks so gold. Oh, ugh, a song. I want more Dolly, goddamnit.
9:20---Why does a woman as gorgeous as Charlize wear such odd gowns to the Oscars? What is the bow? Her hair looks fab, though. I really like her. And March of the Penguins wins. That works! I quite liked it, even though I usually don't like documentaries about nature.
9:18---Here's Pigford, with the award for Documentary Short Subject. I think I am going to go brush my teeth.
9:16---A Colbert voiceover! OMG! Flecked with god-dust! I just died! "Seriously, I have nothing else". I just guffawed for the first time in my life. That was so amazing.
9:14---Violent montage! Me likey.
9:12---Uh, has she been drinking?
9:11---Lauren Bacall! Remember her bitchface when she lost the Oscar to Juliette Binoche? Let's bask in the glow of that warm and beautiful memory...
9:05---Aaaaand, the Oscar goes to: Rachel Weisz! Eeeeee! They all knew it, and she so deserved it. I would have liked Michelle to win as well, if only for the internal pain it would cause James Van Der Beek. But Rachel! Squeal! And her speech was cute.
9:02---I seriously love Morgan Freeman so much. He is just the best. Ever. And now Best Supporting Actress. Amy Adams irks me in the worst possible way and I have no real reason for it. Plus, her dress tonight is uuuugly. Catherine Keener is so great, but I am extremely meh on her nomination for Capote. Frances McDormand also elicits a huge meh. Rachel Weisz=too pretty for words. And, awww, Michelle Williams. From Capeside to the Oscars!
9:01---Rachael McAdams is soooooooo pretty.
9:00---Russell Crowe joke! Watch your back, Jon!
8:59---Love. Them.
8:51---I hate Russell Crowe so much and don't know what his surly ass is doing here. What montage is this? I am so confused and afraid that he's going to punch someone...Okay, tiny clips and the slightest mention of Lou Gehrig make me cry. But oooh! Ferrell and Carell coming up! Eeee!
8:49---And the Costume Oscar goes to Memoirs of a Geisha. The costumes seem to be the only positive thing about this movie.
8:48---Ms. Aniston. While the black dress is expected, she funked it up a little with the necklace. I mean, it's not a real risk, but for Jen? Totally risky! She looks cute. SUCK IT, JOLIE!
8:44---I always feel such shame and discomfit when humans are forced to interact with animated creatures. The winner, who I don't know, is wearing a lovely dress.
8:42---Wilson action up in here. This is shaking up to be the best night ever. Luke looks...bloated. Live Action Short. Whatevs.
8:41---HA! A Scientology joke! Jon and I are meant to be!
8:40---Even commercials for Munich make me nervous. Brill movie, though. Go see it!
8:34---I LOVE YOU DOLLY PARTON!
8:34---Did Santino design Naomi's dress? Hideosity! J. Lo looks surprisingly pleased with Naomi. Marc looks dead.
8:33---This award literally means nothing to me. Nice bowties, though.
8:30---I have no idea what that award was for. I was cringing too hard and blocked it out. I seriously LOVE Reese Witherspoon, I want to be best friends with her. That makes me sound unhinged and creepy, but it's the truth!
8:26---I might be reading too much into things, but I always sense a deep undercurrent of intense anger in Ben Stiller. Perhaps the Friends episode tainted me. This sort of hurts me a little. Oh, snap, Spielberg totally said he wasn't funny! Ben Stiller is going to go backstage and cut someone.
8:24---Tom Hanks' Da Vinci Code hair will never not skeeve me out. But he's amusing...ish.
8:18---Aaaaaand, the Oscar goes to: CLOONEY! Eeeeee! Eeeeee! I just did a happy dance in my room! And I am not ashamed! Looooove him. Oh, he could charm the pants off of Sisty Mary Holy Water, I swear. This speech is so phenomenal, he is such a good speaker, and he looks handsome, and awww! Squeal! General merriment!
8:15---Nicole Kidman, looking ghostly, is here to present the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. I won't be devastated if Clooney loses, but the world will be a much better place if he has an Oscar. Matt Dillon is such a skeezer. I have no facts to back this up, but I just know it's true.
8:14---This Western montage is basically gold. I am overdosing on the awesome.
8:11---Jon Stewart is killing. Nowhere near as many awkard pauses as Chris Rock last year. Yikes! Bad memories. Did I just jinx him? Okay, I love him. Lovelovelove him.
8:10---Is Charlize's dress eating her?
8:05--- Poor Felicity Huffman, destined to a life of Hilary Swank like "Woman or man?" jokes. Death To Smoochy joke! Ooooh, Angelina joke! SUCK ON IT JOLIE! Clooney is so damn charismatic, even just sitting in the audience, the bastard. Speilberg looks nervous of what Jon is going to say to him. I can't believe Jon is hosting the Oscars the same weekend that Doogal was released. Cheney joke! Woooo!
8:02--Already a Brokeback joke? I love David Letterman. Does Mel Gibson actually have a sense of humor? I am unsettled...hee! Clooney! I mean, it doesn't take much to make me laugh, but...hee!!! Brill!
8:00---OMG, it's starting. Gooooo Jon Stewart! It's weird how nervous I am for him, considering that I don't know him...
Mallory at 3/05/2006 07:58:00 PM
Blogging the Oscar Pre-Show
I promised y'all I'd be live-blogging the Oscars and where better to start than E!
Thank you to my unofficial sponsors, Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke and M&Ms!
Running Tally: Who Wants To Kill Isaac Mizrahi
7:21
7:14
6:55
6:40 pm
Running Tally: Who Wants To Kill Ryan Seacrest
7:14
6:44 pm
6:42 pm
Running Tally: Random Annoyances
7:56
7:41
7:40
7:36
7:32
7:25
7:22
7:16
7:10
7:02
7:00
6:52
Mallory at 3/05/2006 06:36:00 PM