Monday, July 03, 2006

You're Not The Boss, Heffa

It's a sad state of affairs if, in the year 2006, you find your day ruined by Alyssa Milano, but there you have it:

Your average baseball jersey is about to get the Charmed touch.

Good witch Alyssa Milano announced Friday that she'll be partnering with G-III Apparel Group and Major League Baseball� to create a line of ladies' baseball gear designed for juniors (aka WB fans).

The femme athletic wear will be distributed under the label TOUCH--by Alyssa Milano.

What the former Who's the Boss star has in mind, however, sounds as if it's tailor-made more for sitting in the stands rather than for sliding in the dirt. Stylish tops, denim and dresses are part of the proposed lineup, all "utilizing high quality fabrics and body-contouring silhouettes," per a release issued by Milano's publicist.

The sporty duds will have their debut at the Magic show in Las Vegas, which takes place Aug. 28 to 31, and then will be in stores by spring 2007 (in time for MLB's opening day, we presume).

"TOUCH--by Alyssa Milano was born out of necessity," the 33-year-old actress said in a statement. "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team."

Or, as in Milano's case, their favorite player. For the past few years, baseball has been more than a business--and more than a game, as well--to the aspiring designer. Milano was romantically linked to New York Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and then Oakland Athletics pitcher Barry Zito, and she's currently dating L.A. Dodgers--you guessed it--pitcher Brad Penny.

"Her personality and love for the game, combined with her fashion sense, will pave the way for success at boutiques, specialty stores and high-end department stores," Carl Banks, president of sports licensing for G-III, said in a statement. "I strongly believe that TOUCH�will bring the category to another level."


Shut. Up.

FIRSTLY, Touch by Alyssa Milano sounds dreadfully skanky.

SECONDLY, where was your devotion to style when you chose this outfit, Alyssa?!?!


THIRDLY, how many more major league pitchers will throw away their chance at a below-5 ERA in order to get into Alyssa Milano's pants?

  • Barry Zito stepped out with Alyssa in 2004, and promptly lost his ability to pitch, finishing that season with a high ERA and an 11-11 record, and following that season with a mediocre 14-13 season that was completely unbecoming for a young former Cy Young winner

  • Carl Pavano became the basbeall--actually, the general world's most useless person with all sorts of random injuries and general suckitude after his relationship with Alyssa ended. The man has pitched a total of 100 innings for the Yankees since his big contract signing (and he sucked in all of them). I think he may hate himself.
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  • Okay, so Brad Penny isn't having a horrible season this year, but the man is most known for being a degenerate who ruined a child's life by daring him to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Okay, so that's overstating it just a bit, but still, get some friends your own age, dude, or buy a scratch off ticket.



  • FOURTHLY, even if they are okay with getting bad in order to be close with Alyssa Milano (Seriously, can someone explain this to me? Who's The Boss wasn't that good...), do they realize that it makes them UGLIER?! Or maybe they were always...unpretty and it just highlights it when she dates them, like she takes whatever hope they had of clinging onto presentability and uses them for nefarious purposes like keeping Charmed on the air eight seasons longer than it needed to be.

  • Barry Zito's face is doughy AND he has awful taste in clothes.
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    Dare I detect a subtle sheen of grease?
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    That...looks to be a cranberry colored crushed velvet outfit.

  • Carl Pavano's eye wonk rivals Paris Hilton's
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    Don't look at it for too long or else you won't be able to look away.

  • Brad Penny...did not have far to go
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  • FIFTH, "body-contouring silhouettes" makes me think of a catsuit

    SIXTH, stuff like this "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team." makes me hate women. Same thing with pink baseball hats. Why can't you just wear a regular hat or t-shirt? Why do you have to shout from the rooftops that you are still girly? Pink is my favorite color and I appreciate its place in society, but come ON.

    I feel ashamed of how irritated I am by this.

    ***

    Mallory at 7/03/2006 06:34:00 PM

    3comments

    3 Comments

    at 11:26 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs.


    Which team would this be? The Marlins? A's? Dodgers? Mets? Poor dear - I guess once you've worn the jerseys of more than three different teams, it all becomes just so exhausting.

    Look forward to pink shirts with velcro patches of all the different team logos - it'll be Milanoesque in both its tackiness and its easy, two-step altering for matching of boyfriend's baseball cap.

    What the hell is a "Carl Pavano"?

     
    at 12:31 AM Blogger Rebecca said...

    "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team." makes me hate women. Same thing with pink baseball hats. Why can't you just wear a regular hat or t-shirt? Why do you have to shout from the rooftops that you are still girly?

    That crap makes me want to scream. I hate girls who feel the urge to pinkify their team gear. They should just wear the team colors and STFU, or wear pink and STFU. None of this pandering to the girly-girls just to sell crap.

    Of course, I'm also irritated that legitimate women's sportswear then gets bundled in with the girly-girl garbage and if I want to buy something of my team's, I have to go through reams of pastel things for girls who'd rather watch men play. *rolleyes*

     
    at 2:10 PM Blogger CLC said...

    Brad Penny dates Alyssa Milano. Brad Penny starts All-Star Game for NL. NL loses, yet again.

    Coincidence? I think not. The Curse of Milano is simply getting more nefarious and subversive in its efforts to squelch out young baseball talent everywhere - let the prey think it is succeeding (All Star selection) and then pull the rug out from under it at the last minute (Inevitable Loss).

    As to the pink hats etc., you know my feelings on the matter. Posers belong in courtside seats at a Lakers or Knicks game, not at any self respecting baseball park.

    There is a reason no team's colors are pink (or blush and bashful for that matter). It is uggla, I mean, ugly.

    Alyssa, you apparently already have a Penny for your thoughts. Keep your fashion catastrophes to yourself.

     

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