Sunday, October 30, 2005
Where I Read People So You Don't Have To
You're welcome.
The October 31st issue of People was given to me by a co-worker who thought I could use it to pass the time today, as Sundays in the office are notoriously slow. I gave up my People habit a few years ago (except for the Oscars, Best Dressed and Most Beautiful People issues, natch) because I didn't like how it tried to combine fluffy pop-culty stuff with hard-hitting stories of babies who fell into wells who are blind and reunited with the dog they lost while doing a food drive. But I figured that even if it was lame, I didn't pay for it, so I win, in a weird way. Let's look at the cover, firstly.
OMG! A cover with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt! Didn't see that one coming. I like the juxtaposition of Jennifer kissing Vince Vaughn with Brad Pitt acting as a doting dad. It's so...1950's. Anyhoo, we are also going to hear what Nick Lachey has to say about his not-divorce from Jessica Simpson, and we'll read about MURDER. I have to give a special shout out to the People design team, who crafted this cover in Microsoft Word. Very intricate, guys, big ups.
Page 8: Mail Bag! This is my favorite segment of this magazine and the reason it is can be summed up completely by this blurb:
Our story on singer Constantine Maroulis elicited twice as much mail as our cover story
Is that not the saddest thing you have ever heard? The cover story was the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher wedding, which a reader responds to with Congratulations to Demi and Ashton. What really impressed me was that Bruce Willis was at the wedding. It shows he's still close and on good terms with his ex-wife. How many divorced couples can say that?
That's so...it's so People.
Page 9 features the Secret Deodorant ad won by Nicole as a prize on America's Next Top Model. It's very pretty, though I don't think eating ice cream in bed is such a big secret. Then again, that's where I eat ice cream on the regular and apparently that's not normal, so what do I know? On the opposite page is a picture of Christina Aguilera filming a Pepsi commercial and--okay, I love the Xtina, but she really looks like a man in this picture. They couldn't find a more flattering shot? Maybe Britney urged them to pick a photo making Christina look as ugly as possible...
Star Tracks are on page 12, featuring the best shots the paparazzi has to offer. There's Kevin and Britney who--my god, y'all. It's a shot from Trailer Park Weekly. Kevin has his hair in cornrows and Britney has three inches of dark roots in her hair and is wearing a midriff-baring leopard print bustier and a low-rise yellow skirt. Um. There's a shot of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes--both overlaughing!--as well as a picture of Ben Affleck's unfortunate facial hair having coffee with the very pregnant Jennifer Garner. Very pregnant. On the next page, Catherine Zeta Jones looks sexy, a man holds a sword very close to Sharon Stone's head but, unfortunately, does not decapitate her (rats!), Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony share a duet (Seriously, is he dead?) and Russell Crowe is dressed like a matador. Highly disturbing. These pictures are followed by the very pretty Penelope Cruz walking around with boyfriend Matthew McConaughey, Charlize Theron wearing a fedora and Ashanti, also sporting Xtina's drag queen chic, blowing out the candles on her Coldstone Creamery cake. Nelly was there so, in case you were wondering, hip-hop's dumbest couple is still together. There are some more pictures (George Clooney looking suave, Uma Thurman in a brown wig and Denise Richards in a pumpkin patch with Charlie Sheen [not a euphemism]) but they aren't fun enough to comment on any further.
SCOOP is on page 21. I have to type the headline because it is so dumb: Look! Up in the sky! It's Brad! It's Angelina! It's Maddox! All spending a little high-altitude FAMILY TIME. That is just the dumbest thing I have ever read. Why do I not get paid to write dumb, pithy things like that? Where was Angelina's daughter? Is she not invited to family time in the plane? There is also a shot of the painting Maddox picked out for himself of a whale diving into the ocean, but the ocean is green. I don't know, I'm not artsy, so maybe there is subtext that I am missing but I don't get it.
Scoop continues with the, um, scoop on the Nicole Richie/Paris Hilton feud (they hate each other. They have a show together. Chaos ensues), as well as a sneak peek at the new Pirelli calendar featuring Kate Moss who, I swear to god, looks 22 in the picture. Hard living and coke aren't bad for your skin after all! Madonna visited Hunter College to give a lecture (I am so jealous), while M-K Olsen takes a break from NYU. The accompanying photo, of M-K in huge sunglasses with no visible teeth, is sad and hilarious, and if I dressed up for Halloween, she is who I would be. Alexis Arquette will be getting a sex change on TV which is...special. Oooh, weird, as I typed that, "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" was on the radio and, of course, is the song Alexis sang in The Wedding Singer. Now "Take Me Home Tonight" is on which has nothing to do with anything, but I felt the need to give Eddie Money his props. There is a photo of Daniel Craig as James Bond and, sorry, nothing will be able to convince me that he is good looking. There is a Pop Quiz with Heidi Klum and she is just as incisive as you would expect her to be.
Picks and Pans on page 33 gives 3 1/2 Stars to Charlize Theron's North County and 2 stars to Stay. Shopgirl gets 3 and Claire Danes's "note-perfect performance" get singled out for praise and you know what? If this movie leads to a Claire Danes renaissance, Steve Martin will be dead to me forever. The chick can't act, is all I'm saying. There is a side bar about Domino where Faux Domino Keira Knightley says of the real Domino's thoughts on the movie "She may not have shown it, but she would have been enjoying it all". Thanks for the insight, Miss Cleo. Dreamer gets 2 stars and they claim that Dakota Fanning is "astoundingly talented...just keeps getting better" and yet nowhere in the review do they mention the fact that she is either a robot or an alien. Lost gets 4 stars, but I don't watch it so I don't care...Hot Properties, reviled across the board, gets 3 stars which drives home the point that People is shit. It got a better review than Human Trafficking (2 stars) which is a prime Lifetime movie. Prime, y'all. These people are h8ers. Ashlee Simpson's new album "help[s] Simpson avoid the sophomore slump". Not even going there. The book reviews are boring and about things none of you are going to want to read.
Page 59: Tori Spelling's soon-to-be ex wants spousal support and Tori is already shacking up with a guy she met on the set of her new TV Movie (!!!) Mind Over Murder (!!!). Jamie-Lynn DiScala (Why do these girls take their husbands names?) is moving on from her Staten Island stereotype husband, while Pam Anderson records a duet with Bryan Adams.
Page 60--this is what we've been waiting for: Jen&Vince. There are the paparazzi pictures of them kissing. Vince told Elle that Jen is "genuine and warm" and they have been spotted all over Chicago making out. "Filling Brad Pitt's shoes is no easy task. Is Vaughn up for it?" I mean, okay, Vince Vaughn is prone to being bloated, but at least capable of carrying on a conversation, so he already beats Brad there...this article was not as hard hitting as I had hoped it would be! Lame! Basically: They are different! He's so wacky and she's not! He's tall! Brad Pitt was the Sexiest Man Alive! More making out! He's wacky! She was on Friends!
Page 66: "Nick and Jessica: Everything's Perfect". A photo shows that Nick is about a foot taller than his brother and marginally better looking; sad, right? There are random pictures of Italy, where the two went for their anniversary. Not pictures of them in Italy, just pictures of Italian scenery. How budget!
Page 69 has the uplifting story "A Place To Say Goodbye", about a girl in a hospice and as horrible as this is to say...I don't care. That's not why I read magazines! If I wanted emotional stories, I would watch the Hallmark movie channel. Ming-Na (remember when she was Ming-Na Wen? Good times) had a baby, she informs us on page 74. She was in labor for 14 hours. The world yawns.
A KILLER AT THE DOOR on page 77 is about the murder of Daniel Horowitz's wife Pamela Vitale. Very sad, but that headline is so People. There is more feel-good emotional stuff on page 81 ("A Skater's Ordeal") regarding a wannabe Olympic figure skater's mother's death in a car crash. I swear, I saw a Lifetime movie about that...Oooh, it's one of those articles that is told to the reporter. Those are always delightfully cheesy.
Page 88 features the girl from Commander In Chief answering questions about boring things. She has very big eyebrows. There is an expose about Laguna Beach which I pretend to be appalled by but secretly read interestedly. It's such a heinously bad show and yet I can't turn it off when it is on. I wonder if it transmits crack through the airwaves.
The Crossword Puzzle is on page 96. With clues like "Fantastic Four Star Jessica _______" and "_____ Actress (Kirstie Alley series", it's safe to say that you can bust out the ink for this one.
Colin Egglesfield is the Man of the Week (p. 98). He plays Josha on All My Children apparently, and looks like the spawn of a cave man and a member of the Backstreet Boys. This is the best the male world has to offer? Trivia: Arnold Schwarzenegger once complimented Colin's body. With sterling character witnesses like that, who needs real good looks?
Page 101: "What happened to her babies?" It's so wrong, but that made me laugh and laugh. USC student was charged with murder after her child was found in a dumpster (oddly, they capitalized the word Dumpster. Is it a trademark?) and apparently did the same thing last year, which...I have to make a mental note to write about my USC hatred another day, as making fun of Matt Leinart in the same paragraph as a sad story doesn't seem right (but I will say that I hate him and his stupid piggish face).
"BIRD FLUE: IS IT HEADED OUR WAY?". Gee, thanks, People, just what a hypochondriac like myself needs to hear. But we don't have it in America, so this discussion is moot. I guess they just needed to fill a page.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Winona Ryder, Zac Posen, Keith Urban, Julia Roberts and Gabrielle Union!
More lovey dovey stuff about people who lost a home in a fire entitled "Bricks, Mortar & Love". I'm hungry. Page 112 is about Tab Hunter coming out of the closet to the surprise of fourteen people. He had a relationship with Anthony Perkins, who scares me, and is photographed on a tiny pony with his brother as a child. Page 119 discusses the Dover, Pennsylvania debate over evolution in the classroom. To the surprise of no one, it is boring, but I am sure we will be getting reader mail about it! Ewww, "Proud Prinze" (p. 125) wastes precious ink on Freddie Prinze Jr. who has a new show (Freddie), despite lack of good looks, charisma and talent. Why is Sarah Michelle Gellar married to him again? Don't even say "true love". Reading the article was equal parts annoying (because he has NO REASON to be famous) and boring (because, well, you know).
Style Watch on page 129 highlights Victorian inspired pieces, as worn by Taryn Manning, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Swank, fashion icons, all. Kirsten Dunst looks pretty in Christian Lacroix and is rightly named the week's best dressed. Oooh, Victoria's Secret will soon be offering a Naomi Campbell beachwear line, with bikinis emblazoned with the model/abuser's face. Eeee! There is a ridiculously unflattering picture of Mariah Carey in Versave, where she looks to be the size of Anna Nicole Smith 100 pounds ago. I would have sued to get the photographer to give it back to me because it is just that bad, but she's all smiling proudly which...oh, Mariah. Jessica Simpson footwear is now available in stores. The photos that accompany this blurb are predictably hideous. For only $159, you can have ugly shoes too, y'all!
Camryn Manheim has rheumatoid arthritis (p. 137). Whatevs. There is an interview with "Desperate Housewive's Man in the Basement" (That's exactly what is says) Page Kennedy. Where's the interview with Matthew Applewhite (preferably shirtless), huh, People? WHERE?! There is a photo retrospective of Camilla Parker Bowles's new look ("Farewell to Frump?" p. 143) where they pose the hypothesis that her fashion sense is getting better, but the fact that she is wearing a polka dot caftan looking thing and an enormous white hat says otherwise.
I leave you with, quite possibly, the saddest piece of news in the entire magazine, where Andy Garcia responds to the innocent question "Favorite TV Show?" with the eight scariest words one can imagine: "I'm still watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond". I weep.
What a waste of someone else's $3.49. I need to take a shower.
Mallory at 10/30/2005 02:39:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 7:11 PM
said... By "complimented Colin's body" they probably meant said "If you were a chick, I would bang you with my giant, muscular penis until you begged for mercy. But sadly, you are a dude."
Thank you for reading People for me. I sometimes see it in grocery store lineups and flip through it, getting everything I need to know out of it in the eight point three seconds it takes to pick it up, flip, then wrestle it back into its little, metal holder.-
at 3:29 PM
CLC said... I like the new format...
The Pam Vitale murder is big news out here. The kid who (allegedly) did it went to my rival high school.
Scandal.