Wednesday, October 05, 2005
OMG!
OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!
I can't breathe. The excitement of the day's events are actually making me nauseous.
Tom Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, is pregnant with the couple's child, Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne DeVette, tells PEOPLE exclusively.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am hyperventilating. More to come on that, eventually, when my head stops spinning.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not usually the type of person who uses internet abbreviations like OMG or LOL, unless I am doing so ironically, and I often refrain from using abbreviations in everyday life, as I am the type of person who likes writing things out, but my feelings on this subject can only be described as OMG with various exclamation points following.
OMG!!!!!
TOTAL SHOCKER! I mean, come on, the way that Nick distanced himself from Jessica starting in the second season of Newlyweds and the way that he openly disdained her idiocy in the series premiere? I took that as a sign that he really cared. And when the rumors started flying fast and furious that she was all up in Johnny Knoxville's business and hooking up with her personal trainer, and she sent her daddy to the media to deny it, I was placated, because that's what I would do in a situation like that, you know?
I have not been this shocked and upset since the first time reports of their divorce were spread all over the world and E! before they were retracted and the world got to see forced photo opportunities with the two forcing smiles but not being able to hide their dead, dead eyes.
It's a sad day when cavemen and women with the brain capacity of an amoeba or similar organism can't make it work.
Nick and Jessica's dad have both issues statements denying the split, but I mean, how many times can we go down this road? If there are reports that a marriage is ending EVERY MONTH, isn't that basically a sign that the marriage isn't so happy? Really.
I am bracing myself for the inevitable "I love Nick with all my heart, and we will always be friends, but things aren't working out" interviews with Jessica on ABC, NBC and CBS in between "Jessica done me wrong" songs and videos a la "Cry Me A River" and Jessica's inevitable response songs featuring Ja Rule.
Just for the record, I am firmly on Team Lachey. I mean, if I had to pick sides, as my feelings on him range from irritated to indifferent, so it's not like I am a 98 Degrees fangirl or whatever (that video with the Golden Gate bridge always gave me a headache and I worried that I'd have a seizure watching it), it's just that Jessica, her sister and her father creep me out in more ways than I thought possible.
Speaking of, Ashlee is slated to be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Going back to the scene of her infamous disaster seems to me like she is once again being the family's sacrificial lamb. Like it wasn't enough that she was born uglier than her sister, neglected by her parents and saddled with the name Ashlee, she's the one the family throws under a train whenever something goes wrong. You just know that if Jessica was caught lipsynching, Papa Simpson would have crafted the most brilliant defense in the history of ever, while he gave Ashlee a half hearted Acid reflux story. Weak.
There's probably going to be a "clever" skit regarding her talentless hack woes of last year sandwiched in between skits where Horatio Sanz is not funny. Appointment TV right there.
While on the subject of the evil Simpsons, I'd like to remind the world that Joe Simpson is a horrible person, not least for bringing the show Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive to the airwaves. It's on E!, so I don't exactly have to watch it, but I do, and then I get sucked into these episodes of reprehensible people being annoying and I wonder why people like that exist and then I get angry and my blood pressure goes up and soon I'm going to have to be MEDICATED and it will all be Joe Simpson's fault. Harrumph (Please imagine me storming away angrily).
But I'm back to report that Lindsay Lohan was in ANOTHER crash caused by the paparazzi. Um, paparazzi people? Hi. I love celebrity pictures as much of the rest of the world, but is it worth it? Is it worth crashes and being run over by Lynne Spears just to take a picture of Lindsay Lohan looking messy or Britney Spears morphing into Baby Jane, drinking a frappuccino? I'm thinking it might not be.
Also, America's Next Top Model is on tonight. Cycle 5 Features Tyra Banks and a hair color found in nature, the remarkably well preserved Twiggy judging, a hot Nigel Barker judging, a lesbian contestant who looks like Timmy Turner from The Fairly Oddparents and an admitted sociopath. Please stay tuned for the recap.
Ahahahah! A class action lawsuit against Dr. Phil. Hilarious. Dr. Phil is one of those people that I will never, ever feel bad about hating.
Mallory at 10/05/2005 02:49:00 PM