Friday, October 14, 2005
News and Notes
The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes (I refuse to use the term "TomKat" on principle. I may have few standards but I cling deeply to those that I do have) saga keeps getting better every time I read about it (the obvious caveat being that I am easily amused). Since my, er, exclusive interview with Katie's better half, the following details of their unholy union have emerged:
I don't have kids but I'm thinking that my biggest issue would be that my daughter
was marrying an asexual midget freak, not needing a shotgun wedding, but whatevs.
Tom and Katie are likely to follow the church's "silent birth" guidelines during delivery, which means no music and no talking during the birth, which also means no screaming during the pains of labor.
The doctrine also states that newborns cannot be poked or prodded for medical tests or even spoken to for the first seven days of their lives, believing that babies go through so much pain during the birth, they shouldn't have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could return later in life to haunt them.
What? WHAT? I'm far less disturbed by the plots of most horror movies than I am that tidbit. Talking to a newborn will come back to haunt them? I dunno, it seems less scary than the rotting corpse of L. Ron Hubbard hovering around at all times. And no talking or screaming during labor?! I scream and cry when I get a paper cut. That's horrific. It makes Tom Cruise and his brainwashed sister seem psycopathic rather than just troubled.
I suppose you'll tell me that it's a mere coincidence that they have the same cold, dead eyes and business like demeanor, rather than it being a Scientologist trait. Perhaps an interview with LeeAnne and/or Katie is next on the docket...
“I’m not lonely. I’ll tell you that, I’m certainly not crying myself to sleep at night, sucking my thumb. No, Dude, I’m out and about.”
"...that’s Tom. He can do whatever the f*** he wants. Who gives a s***? I mean, we’ve all felt the need to jump up and down on a couch. Or not!"
Ha...ha? Was he trying to be clever? That's so--well, A for effort. But honestly, in the realm of disdainful ex statements, it does not even rank on a list topped by Gwyneth's "These are 'Please get back together with me' earrings", her dig at Bennifer saying she doesn't want to whore her relationship out to the paparazzi, or even Jennifer Aniston's "Billy Idol called, he wants his look back". It was just...he seems like such a fool, like he can't tell if you're laughing at him or laughing with him, and the confusion makes him laugh. Then he forgets why he was laughing.
(I'm not saying that Tom Cruise is a step up from him, they are merely two sides of the same upsetting coin)
The highlight of the Katie/Tom gossip is the following "Blind" item from Holy Moly:
It's difficult to work out what the hell is going on in the world of poof-or-not sometimes, but the latest to hit HMHQ asks which not-gay actor and his not-a-beard fiancee may not have told the complete story about a recent pregnancy announcement?
The not-a-beard actress supposedly got knocked up by someone she met in the UK doing promo not long after meeting her not-gay husband-to-be.
News like that makes the world go round. She does look pretty far along, though I guess it's possible that she still hasn't corrected the slouching problem that plagued her tenure on Dawson's Creek.
You may be wondering how I dealt with the pain of my soul being chopped into a million pieces by Darin Erstad and Bengie Molina on Monday night. I'm a trooper, you know? I tried not to let it get to me and after that first hour of uncontrollable sobbing, I moved on with the aid of comfort food and The Golden Girls reruns. Few things in the world are more comforting than the visage of Bea Arthur
I was more upset than I thought I'd be. I really wanted Bernie Williams to have a longer postseason in his last year with the Yankees, and I wanted the Cinderella stories of Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon to end with a World Series appearance, but such is life, I guess. A-Rod is officially dead to me, however (as opposed to the previous 80-85% dead to me level). I was screaming every time he was up at bat, "DEREK CAN'T DO IT ALL!1111!!!!1!" until my father threatened to sedate me if I kept it up. I could swing weakly at balls out of the strike zone for $25 million a year too, you Sun-In wearing jackass.
So, battling for the title, we have:
I am rooting for the Cardinals, for two reasons. The first is loyalty to the lovely Laura. The second is completely and utterly shallow: Mark Mulder is six feet, seven inches of deliciousness. I think CLC said it best when she called him utterly lickable. I realize that this, and my weeks long infatuation with Grady Sizemore, make me out to be one of those empty headed, pink hat wearing girls, which is categorically false, but I fully believe that it is only fair to highlight the aesthetically pleasing factors of everyday life.
Mallory at 10/14/2005 03:06:00 PM
4 Comments
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at 3:35 PM
CLC said... There is absolutely nothing wrong with commenting on "pretty" - in a slight modification, it is just like Danny Bonaduce says, "[It] is like a car wreck, and you are totally entitled to slow down and watch a car wreck." Or, well, something like that.
Yes, I have mixed metaphors/quotations/genres quite badly there. Point is, when you have 6'7" of loveliness, you simply must comment. The ESPN - The Mag "Big 3 Reunion" pics were, *sigh*, dreamy.
Oh man, I need to get out.
In any event, A-Rod is a travesty. He is a head case. Not that there is anything wrong with that, except well, when you make $25M a year you are not entitled to be a head case. You are also not entitled to hit into soul-crushing double plays with the Cap'n on board ahead of you (doing his job as always). You just aren't. Though I have little love lost for him (I *know* he must use creme de la mer), but I confess I do worry. He was already seeing 2 therapists before this started. What will he do now? Maybe he can hire Metallica's full-time shrink, he obviously did wonder for them.
Katie, er, Kate, makes me feel a lot better about my choices in men. Say what you will for my relationships - both real and imaginary - but all of them are tall and heterosexual. Not that there is anything wrong with not being those things, but as I happen to be those things too it works out.
As for Chris, if you have to say "you are out and about", much like saying "you know about psychiatry", then it isn't true...-
at 7:40 PM
said... The loyalty is appreciated.
However, the way the Cards played last night? Not so much. Albert Pujols can't do it all, you know!
And poor, poor Reggie Sanders. And only a night after kicking off Game 1 with a two-run home run, too. Oh well. At least So Taguchi'll see the postseason light of day due to this.-
at 9:58 AM
Mallory said...
CLC-- As always, you are wise (and the reunion pics? OMG! Enough to turn me into a blithering fangirl. Or more of one). I think I will send A-Rod a letter urging him to hire a 24 hour therapist, as the two he is seeing now aren't helping. I will also advise him to see a hair colorist, but that is beside the point. And Kate Holmes: Raising self esteem of women all over the world!
Laura--Watching that fall Reggie took was actually painful. That poor guy! And I know what you mean about the rest of their offense; like I said re: Derek Jeter, one player can't do it all! Geez. I had no idea So Taguchi was 36, I was convinced he was a teenager...
Val--Thank you for the support and I declare that we do a roadtrip to administer a beatdown. Or not, but that can be our goal.
Jenny--Bea Arthur rules. There is no one in the world who can do a better exasperated sigh and eye roll than she can.
Dean--You're probably right, of course, and definitely right about Sheffield and Matsui, except:
1. Sheffield has been dead to me since 1994 or so, so his disappointing me was nothing new
2. Matsui...man. Okay, he was ridiculous. You're right.
3. It's hard for me to look at A-Rod's performance without thinking of last year's postseason when he (and Sheff and Matsui, actually) just stopped hitting and thinking of it as a pattern. And I was really annoyed with a post-game interview I saw with him on Monday where he shrugged and was all whatever. "You know, we made it this far" and it was just-gah, my blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.
You're also right about the White Sox. I just can't see them winning the World Series, if they get that far. I don't know why, but I can see their offense being stifled by good pitching, which the Cardinals and the Astros have (far better than the Angels and their mouthbreather Lackey. Ugh).
Scioscia totally looks like McCain, OMG.-
at 9:09 PM
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