Sunday, September 11, 2005
The Girls' Guide To Baseball Boyfriends
Having a fictional boyfriend is something that I think most people do, even if they aren't willing to admit it (and if I'm off base here, I'd prefer not to know and remain blissfully unaware that I am, in fact, a freak). I like to think of myself as having high standards--if I were a college, for instance, I think I'd be an Ivy League school. Picky about who gets in, but also willing to bend the rules and inflate the grades if it turns out that they aren't up to the task.
That last sentence seems awfully dirty to me, but I don't mean it that way. Or do I? No, no I don't.
You might ask yourself, "This coming from the girl who admitted to having a crush on John Stamos" and, again, in my defense I WAS FIVE.
When one is choosing a crush in real life, there are certain requirements that must be fulfilled and having a crush on a baseball player is no different. There is a strict set of criteria that I must adhere to when choosing an infatuation:
1. He Must Be Talented
There's a reason why only the emotionally disturbed like Mark Bellhorn and Kaz Matsui. Like, what do you say in conversation? "Oh, I LOVE him! He boots the ball whenever it comes near him, and he hasn't gotten a hit since the Clinton administration, but he's dreamy!"
2. He Must Be Good Looking
Which, I know, is shallow, but if I were to pick crushes solely on talent, I'd wind up choosing from Barry Bonds and his head that is the size of a third grader or, most terrifyingly, pre-2005 Randy Johnson. Let it never be said that looks aren't important.
3. He Can't Be Annoying
A crush on, say, Alex Rodriguez can never be sustained for long periods of time because OHMYGODHEDOESNOTEVERSHUTUP. Every time he gives an interview, it is pretty much a guarantee that he will say something stupid that will be broadcast all over the sports media, like when he called David Ortiz weird, or said he worked out every day when everyone else was sleeping, or I could go on and on, but I'll stop.
As of now, there are five candidates for Best Baseball Boyfriend, but they all have their negative aspects, which I am going to share with you in lieu of writing about anything important and/or doing work at work.
Eric Chavez
BA: .276 OBP: .335 HR: 23 RBI: 88
Pros:
Cons:
Derek Jeter
BA: .310 OBP: .388 HR: 15 RBI: 56
Pros:
Before all of the haters (you know who you are) jump in and start, let me just say-he's...aww. He just is, okay? And he can't help it that Tim McCarver is obsessed with him. STOP JUDGING HIM!
Cons:
Grady Sizemore
BA: .286 OBP: .342 HR: 18 RBI: 73
Pros::
Cons:
Huston Street
5-1 ERA: 1.40 Saves: 20
Pros:
Cons:
David Wright
BA: .311 OBP: .392 HR: 21 RBI: 88
Pros:
Cons:
So what have we learned today? Er, don't answer that. I told you all, I'm on a mission to only focus on silly things for at least a month.
Pimp Pimp Hooray! For those of you who love fashion and pretty things, head over to Du Plessix for brilliant commentary and pretty pictures.
TomKat Watch 9/05
From etonline:
"We don't have a date yet," Tom tells Jann Carlson with a laugh, "[But we have] big, big plans. We talk about it. I really didn't know that there were so many wedding magazines. I said, 'Are you kidding me? There are things for the flowers, the cake, the dresses' ... [He doesn't? Hasn't he been married before? And also, isn't he sort of flamboyant? I thought he'd be into that...-ed.] The thing that I love about Kate is that she's an artist [Bro, she was Joey Freaking Potter], so she actually loves ribbons and she makes cards and creates art [Someone didn't save their Dawson's money if they have to make cards to send to people...]. She loves flowers, and she'll do her own floral arrangements. So it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a celebration."
Tom also reveals that Katie has no problem with him doing dangerous stunts:
"That's why I am marrying her, because she has no worries about that; none," says Tom with his trademark grin. "She's just fun and easy. She celebrates it. She loves it. We show her the cut footage [of my stunts] and she digs it [What year is it? She DIGS IT? How out of touch is this man?]. She's just fun."
Freakshow.
Mallory at 9/11/2005 11:51:00 AM
6 Comments
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at 9:18 AM
Mallory said... I feel so special!
On-base percentage is criminally underrated, as is slugging percentage, IMO, while RBIs are way overrated. I know that they're good, but they say more about who gets on base ahead of the hitter, rather than the hitter himself.-
at 1:59 PM
CLC said...
M -
This is BRILLIANT! Your baseball boyfriend criterion is right on, and though I think we will always quibble on Chavez, we will always have the common ground that is Derek Jeter. *Sigh* My devotion to him continues to surprise me given that I am not all that fond of his employer. I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you noted he was Captain. I seem to love captains, of all types - from Captain Morgan to Captain Crunch to marine captains (really need to give that one up).
Huston's name is awesome. I find that there aren't many distinctly "good baseball type names" - at least not in the way that there are great football type names (e.g. Priest Holmes, Lawyer Molloy, Simeon Rice etc.).
One thing I noted watching Baseball Tonight highlights on Sun - tell me if I am crazy - or does Bartolo Colon look like a fat version of Sideshow Bob? Is that mean. Yes it is. I admit it.-
at 8:01 PM
said... My mom insists to this day (not just in the 80s) that Randy Johnson has a great ass. I puke in her general direction.
I agree with most of your picks, but feel I must pour a tall glass of Haterade for The Jeter.
In the ongoing point-counterpoint "Derek Jeter Sucks/No I Don't" debate, I feel you neglected to mention the one con even HE admits to. Specifically that: "Derek Jeter looks like the love child of the Rock and a muppet."
I and the rest of the world hesitate to call him good looking.
Plus, you know he and Rodriguez are totally clowning around (but not really) in the showers after games, trying to sneek peeks under their towels and giving each other rat tails.-
at 10:37 AM
Mallory said...
Zooby! Chill with the blatant hateration! And, by the way, whilst hating you brought up a sterling Pro in favor of Jeter--the SNL episode was totally fantastic, and I will not hear anything to the contrary. Lalala! Can't hear you!!
Does Randy Johnson have an ass? I'm too repulsed to look in his general direction, but he's like 8 feet tall and 150 pounds or something freakish like that. Sorry, I'm starting to gag so I need to change the subject.
CLC and I are on the same page, as ever--The Captain is dreamy. And C, Bartolo Colon does look like a fat Sideshow Bob. Freaky!-
at 4:00 PM
said...
Awesome! I totally ignore the girly laugh, but seriously, that's like the only bad thing about him. I heart David Wright sosososososo much!
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at 3:44 PM
Mallory said...
gelli, he's totally do-able.
Val, I'm sorry, I can't read your post because of the BLINDING HATERATION. I will cut you.