Friday, September 09, 2005

Doing My Best To Ignore Serious Things

I've been trying to be more shallow and petty than usual, in an effort to take my mind off of the enormous clusterfuck that my country is in at the moment, because reading and watching the news sends me into an utter pit of despair each and every time. The ancient man in a bad wig and pearls who calls himself Barbara Bush claimed that relocation to the Astrodome worked out very well, since the people were underprivileged, the Stepford Wives-meets-The Joker First Lady forgot the name of the disaster she was talking about and is disgusted by claims that her Kentucky Fried jackass of a husband is racist because he cares about everyone! Minorities and puppies and mockingbirds. Rainbows! Shiny! Lalala!. Oh, and Brownie? Not so much with the heckuva job.

If I started to think too much about any of this, I'd give myself another ulcer and quite probably start down the long road of drug addiction, so instead I busy myself with fluffy thoughts just to take the edge off.

Speaking of drug addicted fools, I have developed a severe, irrational and profound hatred of Kimberly Stewart. Which, I know, it's sad that I'm hating on a girl who is barely on any sort of register and whose claim to fame is being a crappy musician's daughter and falling off of a motorcycle on the red carpet, but...she's an utterly loathsome human being and totally worthy of my contempt.

  • She called Jennifer Aniston "homely" in Blender. Sure, she apologized for it, but the fact that she said it is appalling because, while Jennifer Aniston isn't as beautiful as, say, Christy Turlington, she is pretty. And Kimberly Stewart is ugly. That's blunt, but still. Also, Jennifer Aniston is an incredibly successful actress while Kimberly Stewart is best known for her role as Paris Hilton's second banana.
  • The Fashion Police in US Weekly recently profiled an outfit of hers that consisted of a bikini top and a long prairie skirt. Think Bai Ling x MK Olsen. That is to say--hideola.
  • She thinks she's a comedienne or something, making a joke about Heather Mills:
    Q:What has three legs and lives on a farm?
    A: Paul McCartney and his wife


    Ha...ha? People give her interviews and take her pictures, when in all reality, random people on the street are more deserving of the press.

    In a related story, what the hell is Paris Hilton doing on the cover of Vanity Fair? Between this and Britney's Elle cover, I am ready to quit. Honestly, stop the world, I want to get off. And! The second most horrifying thing about the Elle cover, besides Britney's Marla Maples makeover, is the fact that they promise an interview with Nancy Grace. "She's not afraid to say what you're thinking"? Um, sorry, Nancy Grace doesn't speak for me because if she did, she'd tone down the crazy eyes and ask somebody for tranquilizers because she's a freaking fruit loop.

    Also in my "I Hate..." files? Andy Roddick. Why? I don't know. It's completely irrational, as I hardly even pay attention to tennis. But I was filled with an incomparable amount of glee when he was eliminated in the first round of the US Open on his birthday. To quote Nelson Muntz: HA-HA. I find him exceedingly repellant, almost weasel-like, but to call him a weasel is hurtful to that family of upstanding rodents. Roddick-->Rodent. Coincidence? I think not. And he was totally wretched to my BFF Mandy Moore (remember when he molested her in public?) and I find it personally offensive that he is considered a heartthrob in the world of tennis when there are people like Marat Safin and Roger Federer who so beautifully fit the description of the word.

    (This fit of rage was brought to you by the calendar next to my desk that uses his picture for September. I've taken the calendar down several times and it always makes its way back onto my wall. I'll get you one day, Roddick!)

    I'm not all gloom and doom, however, as there are certain things that I like. Like, say, the fact that OMG they're making Baby Sitters Club graphic novels. That is almost exciting enough to turn me into a total !!111!32@!1 teenybopper. Almost. Still, that's hella cool.

    The clubhouse of the Oakland A's seems like it is the best place to be. Perhaps I'm easy (who am I kidding, I know I'm easy), but I am endlessly amused by how interested in this game they all are. Also, is Eric Chavez writing Bobby Crosby a check while shirtless? Hmmm...

    Lastly, I leave you with the news that Kanye West and I are to be wed. Between his outburst last week and his recent crusade against homophobia and his penchant for pastel sweaters, I think it's clear that he's the dreamiest person around. We're registered at Louis Vuitton and Lacoste and Jamie Foxx will do his best Ray Charles impersonation at our reception.

    Mallory at 9/09/2005 03:49:00 PM

    1comments

    1 Comments

    at 7:53 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Kimberly Stewart is best known for her role as Paris Hilton's second banana.

    And really, not even. I mean, she's the SECOND second banana. She's the peel!

     

    Post a Comment