Saturday, August 20, 2005
Cruel Cruel Summer
In the weeks following Jude Law's dalliance with a nanny, I thought that my celebrity boyfriends (typing that out makes me realize how much of a goober I truly am) couldn't do anything else that could possibly shock or disappoint me. Jude Law's all hooching up the help, Tom Brady is still dating Bridget Moynahan, who I believe pees standing up, Derek Jeter's taste in women continues to deteriorate (a VJ?! I ask you) etc. Christian Bale and Mos Def would remain true, and all would be at least semi right with the world.
And then I learned the sick sad truth from a good source that Mos Def was married in Toronto. All Hip Hop remains skeptical, but I've resigned myself to the sad truth of the matter. Not the truth truth, which is that I don't know him, but the truth that he is officially off the market.
What makes this so sad is that he allegedly (© Star Jones) married a woman named Alannah whose claim to fame is appearing in Snoop's "Drop It Like It's Hot" video. Which is so very.
I will stop short of drafting a petition to boycott his marriage like some people distraught over Brandon Flowers of The Killers marrying his girlfriend or creating an "Alannah Must Die" website in the vein of the now defunct www.katebosworthdeservestodie.com. I won't even denounce video hos, because it's a noble profession in its own right and has done a lot to advance the popularity of bling encrusted thongs and breast implants.
I'm just sad, is all. I'm an upstanding person, I regularly donate clothes to charity and break for animals, and I save my video ho dancing for the confines of my own room. And yet, here I am, with my heart shattered in a billion pieces, too distraught to even listen to The New Danger.
The Duffsta is on the cover of Jane, nearly showing the world her entire ass. That sound you heard was the barrel being scraped. I like Hil but...Jane? Really. Okay.
Shockingly, that's not even the most horrifying picture of Hilary Duff I have seen this week. That honor goes to this bizarre photo.
I...what? Did they have that painted? Is it Fan Art? Whatever it is, they were obviously paid off by the Duff family to make Haylie look human in the portrait. I am endlessly creeped out.
Fergie loves Josh Duhamel for his cooking. I wonder what he loves her for. No matter what The Sun says, she's not a stunner, so it's not her looks. Her bladder problems, maybe?
Guess Who? (Please note that I say "Who", not "What". It is a person)
Hint...she just won a court battle with Lil' Cease (and if she hadn't, I'd have cried. The world is no place for Lil' Cease victories.
...she's on her way to prison.
...she's an inspiration for skanky munchkins all over the world.
Yeah, that's Lil' Kim. Horrifying, I know. I felt, like The Ring, that my life would be spared from night terrors if I shared it with other people. Sorry.
Discussion Question--Will the Royals ever win again? One would think they'd have to, but their upcoming schedule includes the A's, the Red Sox, the Yankees and the (suddenly struggling) White Sox, followed by, like, the Twins and the Rangers. So if they do ever win again, they'll only win, like, three games the rest of the season.
I get sad watching them lose. Not that I have any vested interest in the team or any of the players and coaching staff, but that has to burn. It's the same feeling I get watching Al Leiter pitch; he just seems so endearing to me and watching him throw 127 pitches in the first inning makes me feel uncomfortable.
Few things in the world make me happier than Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight", followed by the Fine Young Cannibals "She Drives Me Crazy" while drinking Diet Coke with Lime.
Finally, I have become obsessed with For Better or For Worse, continuing my transformation into a middle aged woman. Could an unhealthy addiction to The Christmas Tree Shoppe be far behind?
The latest storyline is Liz being nearly attacked by her coworker which had potential to be deep and interesting, but is really being used as a deus ex machina for her to be reunited with her first love, Anthony, who saved her from her would-be rapist. Pictured here, Anthony tells Liz that he finally has something worth fighting for. Please bear in mind that Anthony is married with a child and also the same age as Liz. I have no explanation for why he so eerily resembles a grandfather.
I should probably use my rage for more worthy purposes, but I can't help being endlessly irritated with this.
Mallory at 8/20/2005 11:03:00 AM
1 Comments
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at 4:41 PM
said... Anthony saved her? Anthony? Ugh. And then Liz is all "Oh why does love have to be so complicated? Whyyyyyy???" Because. Your creator is a weird and twisted woman. I look forward to the panels dealing with Anthony's contentious divorce and all the "Waaaahhh! We can't beeee together!" bullshit between Liz and Grandpa Anthony.