Sunday, February 27, 2005
Oscar Night: Gadfly Style
So the Oscars are over and were sort of...boring, overall (what? Shocking!). I wish I were going to an afterparty with Jamie Foxx, but I'll have to settle for drinking another Diet Coke with Lime (thank you, DCwL for being so good and getting me through the show) and watch E!
Brooklyn!
11:50-After careful deliberation with my fashionista friends (thanks to Belinda, Janelle, Jess and Tanis!) it's time to discuss the best dressed.
The consensus was:
Salma Hayek
Hilary Swank
Charlize Theron
Emmy Rossum
Kate
Cate
And for the best hair and makeup (my choice), Gwyneth Paltrow.
Overall, a nice night, fashion wise--lots of lovely gowns and, Scarlett's hair aside, no real disasters.
11:40-After an anticlimactic ceremony, Chris Rock ends with a shoutout to Brooklyn. HOLLA! Best shoutout EVER.
11:36-Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman come out to present Best Picture. Between Babs and Beyonce, it's been a good night for drag queens all the world over. Barbra is a bitch-she mugs and is lame and announces that Million Dollar Baby is the Best Picture. What the fuck?
11:32-OHMIGOD, Julia Roberts is here to present Best Director. She looks gorge. The Oscar goes to...Fucking Clint Eastwood. What the hell? I...I lied when I said I didn't want Martin Scorcese to win. I totally did. Damn it! As Janelle said, Marty is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars now. Hmph. Aww, Clint brought his momma, who is...96! Wow! Go on with your bad 96 year old self. Why doesn't Clint's forehead move? I'm afraid. Wrap it up Clint, you're boring me.
11:25-And the Oscar goes to...JAMIE FOXX! EEEEEE! Squeal! Hysteria! I lurve him, I'm not even kidding, I'm so happy. Short little callback, thanks Ray Charles...he's really an excellent speaker and can give a hell of a speech. Aww, his sister is "four foot eleven of pure love" and he thanks his daughter-awwww! SO Cute. Requisite Oprah shot-he talks about meeting Sidney Poitier. He thanks his grandmother-his first acting teacher who talks to him in his dreams, and he gets all choked up--"I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we've got a lot to talk about". I am dead from the cute. I love him.
11:22-Charlize Theron is here to present Best Actor. Charlize is looking gorgeous. Just beyond beautiful, if unable to walk. They show the clips and I am nervous as to what will happen if Jamie Foxx loses-will he hold the kids from Finding Neverland hostage?
11:18-"No, I want to get off of the stage". I love Charlie Kauffman so much. Best Actor is coming up! Yay!
11:16-Samuel L. Jackson, the baddest mothafucka in town, comes out to present the Oscar for Original Screenplay. Eeeee!!! Charlie Kauffman wins for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! I'm so happy! Squeal!
11:13-Chris Rock snarks on Sean Penn (!) and introduces Gwyneth. I love you, Gwyneth!! And she looks beautiful! The hair, the makeup, the jewelry! Gwyneth! I'm so happy, I could cry! She's also presenting for Foreign Language or whatever, and the Oscar goes to The Sea Inside. Javier Bardem shoutout. Move out of the way, dude, I want more Gwyneth.
11:04-Sean Penn is here to defend Jude Law's honor. That's cute, in a perverse way. And Best Actress goes to....(clips, clips, clips)...Hilary Swank. I can't believe she has two Oscars. That's just...random. She trots out the simple girl from a trailer park line, like, Hil, it's your second Oscar. I do have to give her props for thanking the other nominees. She's crying. She thanks Chad. Awww, she hearts Morgan Freeman. Most importantly, suck it, Annete Bening. Oooh, the cutoff music and she yells at him! So she can thank...her lawyers? And she goes all sycophantic with Clint. Weirdness. They really want her to shut up.
11:03-The winner is singing, Ohmigod. But wait, it's over. Phew.
11:02-Prince is here to present the winner for best original song, looking typically wee. What's with the monotone, dude? After butchering "Al Otro Lado del Rio" from The Motorcycle Diaries horribly, he announces it as the winner. Heh.
10:59-I am praying for death. Is Beyonce's dress covered in little Christmas lights? Why is she trying to be sexy? STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF.
10:57-I am surprised by his lack of bling and endeared by his nervousness. "Two stars that can make believers out of anybody"? Fo' real? Beyonce and Josh Groban? They make me believe...in hell, at least.
10:56-DIDDY!
10:49-Ronald Reagan gets middling applause. Jerry Orbach (Awwwww!) gets a lot. As does Janet Leigh. Christopher Reeve gets a lot, as does Ossie Davis. Rodney Dangerfield, Tony Randall. Cheers and whistles for Marlon. Marlon totally won for "Most Popular Dead Guy".
10:47-Annete Bening, speaking through some sort of Valium haze, presents...THE DEAD PEOPLE MONTAGE ACCOMPANIED BY YOYO MA! I could pee my pants, I'm so excited.
10:44-Roger Meyer, awww. Old friendly men shaking hands and being cute and old. Aww. Film preservation and health care are apparently connected. O...kay. Awww, his wife of 52 (and a half) years. Aww. I love me some old people.
10:43-I was too overcome with love to pay attention to what this is about. Film preseveration? Okay, sure.
10:42-MARTIN SCORCESE! I LOVE YOU, MARTIN SCORCESE! I DON'T WANT YOU TO WIN TONIGHT BECAUSE THE AVIATOR IS SO UNDER PAR COMPARED TO YOUR OTHER FILMS, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU!!
10:40-Original score goes to Finding Neverland. The man who wins seems very nice. Johnny Depp is pleased. And really, isn't it all about Johnny? Did he just thank Alan Greenspan?
10:39-GAH. I think I'm allergic to John Travolta. I am starting to break out in hives.
10:35-Natalie Portman is lovely. Best Documentary Short Subject, eh? All of the nominees are behind her, looking scared as hell. Heh. Mighty Times. Woo?
10:31-What the fuck was that? And why does Antonio Banderas sleep in a vat of grease?
10:28-Longest intro evah. And Antonio Banderas performs with Carlos Santana? I...I don't get it. Better than Beyonce, sure, but...by how much?
10:26-Salma presents the song from The Motorcycle Diaries. I DEMAND Gael Garcia Bernal. Why don't the Oscars consult me in advance?
10:24-And more sound awards, this time for sound editing. The Incredibles wins. Time for another Diet Coke with Lime. What what!
10:20-Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz present together. They have very similar hairdos, it's odd. Sound Mixing goes to...Ray. Myriad shots of Jamie Foxx and his head tattoo.
10:17-Commercials. Pam and I discuss our Oscar speeches.
Mallory: "Russell told me not to cry!" ::sob::
Pam: "I . . . I promised myself I wouldn't cry . . . so I won't. I WON, SUCKERS!!' Bringing the ghetto back to the Oscars.
Mallory: Yes! I'll throw gang signs at the podium
Pam: We can do a callback.
Mallory: I'm going to thank Jamie Foxx's grandma
10:16-Awww, what a sweet speech about his mom! Sniffle. I'm a softy at heart.
10:14-Why is Kate Winslet so pretty? It's just not right. I love her. I'm bored with her dress, but still, I love her. And the cinematography award goes to...The Aviator! The Passion didn't win! SUCK IT, MEL GIBSON!
10:12-Laura Linney and her femullet present something short animated filmy. Don't know...don't care...
10:06-"Comedy superstar Jeremy Irons". Hee. Best Live Action Short. Something that I've never heard of and will never see wins. How excellent.
10:04-More Beyonce. And Andrew Lloyd Weber. MY GOD, ALW is ugly. What...what is she wearing? She has a chandelier around her neck. This is schmaltzy like whoa. Make her stop.
10:01-THIS IS SPONSORED BY PEPSI? I...I feel so dirty.
10:00-Pam says: "Awww. Sidney Lumet. Kissing Al Pacino. Damn you, Sidney Lumet!" Hee!
And thankfully, the speech is over. That only took seven years...
9:58-Please let the speech be shorter than the clips, please let the speech be shorter than the clips.
9:55-Oh, Orbach! ::sobs::
9:51-Honorary Oscar for Sidney Lumet. I won't gush about my obsessive love of Dog Day Afternoon again but suffice it to say-awesome.
9:50-Old guy talking about troops. Blah blah. AL PACINO OMG!!!!!! LOVE!
9:47-Ziyi Zhang and Jake Gyllllleeeennnnhhhhaaalllll present for Special Effects. She's gorge; he's...I don't get him. And the award goes to Spiderman 2. It's time for Twizzlers.
9:43-And Mr. Sandler presents the award for Best Adapted Screenplay to...(please not Before Sunset, the idea of Oscar-winning Ethan Hawke hurts me)...Alexander Payne for Sideways. I like him, so yay.
9:42-Adam Sandler and Chris Rock pretending to be Catherine Zeta-Jones. O...kay? That was...huh.
9:36-The Counting Crows, ohmigod, I hate this song so much and Adam Duritz is in need of a beatdown.
9:35-"The lovable Mike Meyers"? Do they mean the one from Halloween?
9:33-As Pam says, Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom look like extras from a Cure video. The Aviator wins for Film Editing.
9:31-Did the brothel woman just thank the kids who are watching in Calcutta? Because...I think they may have other priorities...
9:30-Leo is puff free and presenting Best Documentary with the nominees onstage. Ack! Awkwardness! And the Oscar goes to...Born into Brothels. I thought it would go to Super Size Me, but also, I didn't care.
9:26-Johnny Carson tribute. Awww. Apropos of nothing, it's time for another drink.
9:19-Making fun of Tim Robbins never gets old. Best Supporting Actress time! And the Oscar goes to...Cate Blanchett!! Eeeee! I love her and am really happy about this. She's so beautiful and what a short, sweet, lovely speech.
9:16-Pierce Brosnon and his laryngitis presents the award for Best Costume with Edna Mode from The Incredibles. He's handling it well, I think. And The Aviator wins again.
9:13-Scarlett Johansson is vibing the Courtney Love hairdo. I'm not such a big fan. She recaps the Technical Oscars, aka-The Show No One Cares About.
9:11-Field trip to the Magic Johnson Theater! People admit that they loved White Chicks, which makes me unspeakably sad. Now they do their Oscar speeches. Oh, people are so dorky. Albert Brooks! Martin Lawrence! Whoopi Goldberg joke!
9:02-Drew Barrymore introduces the first song, "Look to Your Path". Drew is criminally cute and people have said that I sound like her--I don't, because I don't have a lisp. And Beyonce performs. In French. And I...I laugh. A lot. Her weave is too tight and...this is hilarious, you guys.
9:00-Cate Blanchett, who is unfairly beautiful, presents the makeup award and Lemomy Snicket wins, and a woman with a lot of hair accepts for it. I don't like the whole "Let's chat in the middle of the aisle!"
8:56-Best Animated feature goes to....(If Shrek 2 wins, I know that at least five people will go on homicidal rampages)The Incredibles, thank god.
8:55-I should have run away in terror because Robin Williams? Is the anti-funny. Hahaha, Joan Rivers jokes! How cutting edge! Gay cartoon jokes? Please. Make this end.
8:51-"We'll be back with Robin Williams"? I thought you weren't supposed to make the viewers flee in terror.
8:50-Is Morgan Freeman the greatest or is he the greatest? So sweet and talented and classy and...sniffle. I love him.
8:46-Best Supporting actress! Wooo! Renee is SCARY skinny, she's...like, not there in profile. And I'm not a fan of the dark hair, it's so very harsh. I love the over-the-top clips that they show (squee, Tom Cruise is in the Collateral clip!). Clive Owen is still creepy, in real life and in the clips. And the Oscar goes to....Morgan Freeman! Eeeeee!
8:43-Halle Berry's presenting and got a Catwoman diss. Poor Halle. Art Direction? Zzzz....The Aviator wins. May I just say whatever? Because, dude. Whatever.
8:41-Toxic tank tops!
8:38-Okay, they do love him. Because he's great. I love you, Chris!
8:36-He's made that Nicole Kidman joke already, but I love it because it's true. Cuba diss! Ouch, Jude Law diss-but hee, it's true.
8:35-I love Chris Rock, though I don't know if the audience loves him as much as I do.
8:32-Even the slightest clip from Dog Day Afternoon makes me happy. I lurve old school Al Pacino.
8:30-And the show begins...
Mallory at 2/27/2005 08:28:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 5:01 AM
Rayanne Graff said... I love you.
I'm so bummed I missed it - seriously, I live for the Oscars. Stupid BBC, thinking they're too good for awards shows (ha! no-one is too good for the Oscars).
Stupid me, being too poor for cable TV (I know, right? I'm like a charity case).
Yay for you, making me feel like I was actually there, watching it. I'm kinda glad I missed Scarlett's hair, because, yeuch.-
at 11:59 AM
said... This rocks so hard. It was even better than watching the Oscars.
Hannah-
at 8:01 AM
said...
I came galloping on here directly after the end credits rolled on the highlights show.
Poor Marty "Raging Bull" Scorsese gets beat out again by Clint, and by the latter's boxing movie! Now that's just cruel!
Loved Morgan Freeman's dignified speech! V. happy with both screenplay results ('cause somebody has to care about those categories).
Catherine