Friday, February 25, 2005
Nasty Boys Don't Mean A Thing
I've been rather procrastinatory (if it's not a word, it is now) on the updating front, which I blame on Fred Durst.
But I'll make it up to you! I promise! Because guess what? I'm going to do that whole live-blogging thing on Oscar night! You can read my ultra deep thoughts in real time!
Is that not, to quote a friend, the funnest thing ever in life?
(Okay, no, it's not, but really, I can only give y'all so much and can't you pretend to be just the tiniest bit excited? For me? Thanks.)
So you may be wondering why the ennui that has taken over my life for the past day or so--I'm really quite wonderful at making it seem as if my malaise has been ongoing, but really, it's just that I've been tired since yesterday and am all about histrionics--centers around Fred Durst.
But really, the most traumatic event of the past week-nay, the past year, is the fact that Fred Durst porn has infiltrated the internet and, due to circumstances beyond my control, I have had to see his...I...
Okay, pretend this is Mad Libs and just fill in the blank with the most disturbing thing you can imagine related to Fred Durst. I had to see his _______________.
I honestly wish I were dead. As it stands now, I've lost my will to live, see and have contact with other humans.
You see, I had been comfortable believing that beings (not human beings, mind you, just beings) such as Fred Durst reproduced by means of, say, budding, so to see him...you know just ripped my soul out and made me question everything that I believe in.
That is just fucking grotsky, y'all.
And I have to ask-Is it just me? Am I the only person who doesn't store naked pictures and homemade porn on my Blackberry? Am I a prude of some sorts?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
In related news, both related to "what the hell is wrong with people?" and icky men, I present to you the following:
Matt Damon looking piggy. Olivia and I have made a hobby out of comparing Matt Damon to a pig, but I have to say that he takes the fun out of it when he doesn't even bother to hide his piggishness.
Viggo Mortensen has revealed himself to be a dirty French porn star. What is that? Besides terrifying, I mean. I've never been fond of Viggo, as you all know, but even in his stankest pictures, he never looked quite so bad. This, this is a whole new level of ick.
Colin Farrell on the set of the Miami Vice remake. As if that sentence weren't terrifying enough (were we really holding our breaths for a Miami Vice film? I'd really rather see an adaptation of The Hogan Family make it to the big screen, if we're being honest), LOOK AT HIM! Look at the faux David Beckham hair! Look at the paunch! Again, look at the faux David Beckham hair! I think I gave myself some sort of ulcer by laughing at this. It just...it has the potential to be the most amazing thing in the entire world, is all I'm saying.
Skeevy men are so unintentionally hilarious. You have to give them that.
Mallory at 2/25/2005 09:15:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 10:35 AM
Rayanne Graff said... I seriously think Matt Damon might actually be a pig. I mean, we joke and everything, but we don't have any proof that he's not a talking pig, do we?
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at 1:56 PM
said... Ew, you just killed the last of my love of Viggo. That's so nasty.
But not as nasty as Fred Durst. Gross!-
at 7:15 PM
said...
Fred Durst porn? I was a happier man before I heard about that.
I've never found Colin Farrell so ugly (except in "Alexander"). That's sad.
With this post, you've officially robbed me of my will to date again.
Colin