Wednesday, February 09, 2005
In Which I Debunk Various Myths
Just think of me as Snopes, except I'm a person, not a website, and I also have an alarming caffeine addiction.
You may be shocked (shocked!) to learn this, but I feel it's my duty to explain it to you--sometimes, boys and girls, the media lies to us. I know. I know. I don't understand it either.
You'll find, though, if you pay attention to the media the way that some of us do, that that myths are becoming rampant and people are losing sight of the truth. But luckily for you, I am here to tell you what's true and what's not.
Myth #1--Paris Hilton is gorgeous
Without fail, every article written about Paris Hilton includes the words "rich", "blonde", "thin" and "gorgeous". And it's true, she is rich, she is blonde and she is thin. But gorgeous? Um, no. That is, most emphatically, untrue. We've all seen her and we've all seen too much of her, really, as she's in every magazine ever, including Reader's Digest and Highlights and despite what people try and get us to believe she is just not pretty. Really. From the porn star hair extensions to her beak of a nose to her wonky eyes, she's just...she's not gorgeous. We'll leave it at that.
Myth #2--Jennifer Lopez is the new Elizabeth Taylor
I always hear stories about how JLo is the new La Liz because they are both fond of getting married and they both have perfume lines. Dear readers, this comparison is way off. Sure, they've both been married multiple times and they both have an appreciation for large, gaudy jewelry, but they differ in very important ways. For starters, Liz Taylor was, at one point, an amazing actress, specifically in Suddenly Last Summer, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and the annoyingly named BUtterfield 8. Jennifer Lopez was in such epic tales as Gigli, Maid in Manhattan and Jack. Remember Jack? That's the movie where Robin Williams played a mutant fifth grader. Wrap your mind around that.
Also, aside from Larry Fortensky and Eddie Fisher, Elizabeth Taylor displayed a modicum of taste when it came to choosing a husband. She did not marry a choreographer and then a corpse, like Jennifer Lopez did, nor did she ever decide that she just needed to be a singer who brought forth such important parts of the popular music canon as "Play" and "My Love Don't [sic] Cost A Thing".
Myth 3--Robert DeNiro has always been a schlocky, B-Movie actor
I can see why you might believe this; however, it is a fact that DeNiro once made movies like The Godfather Part II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas. His decision to piss all over his brilliant acting legacy with films like Hide and Seek, Showtime and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle is a tragic, recent development.
Myth 4--The Osbournes are America's Favorite Family
I've heard MTV make this assertion multiple times recently and I am a bit confused as to how they reached this verdict. Because, as far as I know, the Osbournes are one of America's least favorite families, placing well below the Carters (both Jimmy's and Aaron's), the Baldwins, the Barrymores, and the Winslows. Even the Bush family beat them out in a recent poll, because at least the Bush family is amusing in their utter shadiness; the Osbournes are just foul. Two children in rehab before their twentieth birthdays, a mother who courts the media by wailing about her hardships that, if she is to be believed, rival those of Job and a father who can't even be injured without it being pimped to the media. What about that is good, huh, MTV? Explain that to me.
Myth 5--Demi Moore is relevent
I love how when I read articles about Kabballah or Ashton Kutcher, they mention Demi Moore, as if that makes something cooler. It doesn't. Demi Moore does not, and has never, mattered in society. I mean, really, think about it--Ghost. GI Jane. Striptease. Posing nude on the cover of Vanity Fair. Those are her contributions to society. Oh, and also her Oscar...thing. She wore bicycle shorts, a bustier and a bustle to the Oscars. I have seen a lot in my day, but that really disturbs me. BICYCLE SHORTS. I mean, for that alone she should have been shunned and exiled to Siberia or something. Oh, right, she "retired" and "took a break" and moved to Idaho. A break from what, exactly? Sucking at life? And yet, the media keeps talking about her as if she's this enormous star. Don't listen to them-she's not.
Myth 6--Chris Martin is a heartthrob
Whenever I read an article about Gwyneth Paltrow, which is often, as I both love Gwyneth and have no interest to do much of anything besides read celeb magazines, they always mention her "hot rockstar hubby" or her "heartthrob musician husband". And I always ask myself if Gwyneth divorced and remarried without me knowing. Because Chris Martin? Fugly. (Oh, and warning--that link is not safe for life) Really, the man is sort of deformed looking, all pointy chinned and bug-eyed. He has the air of a serial killer about him, I fear for poor Apple. And he doesn't even have the common decency to cover his face, which is just disheartening.
Though judging by his performance on the piano with his strange spasms, I believe that he may have epilepsy or some other seizure disorder, so perhaps I shouldn't make fun. But still--no alibi for Chris Martin, y'all. He ugly.
Myth 7--Friends is the most beloved show in the history of ever
Remember when Friends ended and all of the news outlets wept and there were virgin sacrifices trying to appease God and give us all another season of Friends? What were these people smoking? I mean, really. The show had a few funny episodes, but there just came a point when it was too STUPID to care about, let alone mourn the loss of. Every character was smug, annoying and just plain stupid. And then there was Ross, the creepiest, most possessive jerk ever to be held up as a romantic lead. Don't let the media fool you, Friends was no good. Don't believe me? Well, everybody's "favorite" Friend Joey has his own spinoff, right? That spinoff? Was beaten in the ratings by Happy Days reunion special, okay? The show that brought us (literal) shark-jumping and Chachi. CHACHI. The show launched Scott Baio's career. SCOTT BAIO. Happy Days should be made illegal on that basis alone and yet, people would rather watch that than Joey. Let that be a lesson, okay, NBC?
Myth 8: Clowns are appropriate figures to be present at children's events
This myth is not perpetuated solely by the media, but they have a hand in it. For years, it's been viewed as natural for clowns to be invited to thinks like birthday parties or big group picnics. But you know what? That's not natural, because clowns are terrifying. I am not the only one who thinks this. The greasepainted freaks should be kept away from the children at all costs, instead of forcing children to play games with them or watch creepy commercials with that bizarre Ronald McDonald and his odd yellow jumpsuit that looks as though he jumped over the prison wall and made a mad dash for society. I truly believe he is the real criminal, not the Hamburgler, who just gets a bad rap. Last year, in the wake of Janet Jackson's nipple scandal, I heard all of these cries, "But the children! Won't someone please think of the children?!" and it's just that, really, when you think about it, the event is far, far less traumatizing than an evening with a clown is. (And, for that matter, it would have been had it been Michael Jackson's nipple)
So please, keep all of this in mind and think twice when the media tries to tell you something, because more often than not, it's untrue.
Mallory at 2/09/2005 05:11:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 6:04 AM
Rayanne Graff said... Interesting! I think you'll find that Jennifer Lopez is the new Paulette Godard, though.
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at 9:30 PM
said... I always want to throw something at the tv when I see one of the Osbournes, yet MTV keeps saying that they're the best family in the world. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
--Adam-
at 1:48 PM
said...
You were bang-on with a lot of those. Paris Hilton is one of the nastiest blobs of DNA in existence (and she stole her own porno tape); "Friends" was one of the most overrated shows on TV (along with JAWnifer Aniston. Her head resembles a brick with eyes); clowns are a sign of the Apocalypse; and Bobby DeNiro, man, what the hell did you DO to yourself? Oh, the humanity!