Wednesday, February 02, 2005
1999 All Over Again
Some of you may know that I've been on a strange and bizarre boyband kick as of late. The reasons for this kick are too complicated to explain at this time, but they can't even fully explain the randomness of these songs.
Like...remember SoulDecision? And 5ive? Yeah, that's right, I've been listening to the ghetto boybands, not The Backstreet Boys, or even 98 Degrees. No, instead I have been playing songs like "Faded" and "When The Lights Go Out", the classic 1999 ode to date rape. Consider the lyrics: "Babe, I swear you will succumb to me". Um, jigga what?!
And yet, I can't stop listening. To quote Nancy Kerrigan-"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
Luckily, my partner in crime, Ms. P, has also been on this same kick, though the fact that both of us are listening to these songs should disturb me more than comfort me, as it means that two people out there in the year 2005 are rocking out to 5ive, but I take my solace where I can.
P: Who greenlighted that song?
Me: And who sold their soul to the devil to make it so hidiously danceable?
P : And "stick-in-your-head"-able?
M: As with all things, I blame it on GWB. Don't tell me he doesn't rock out to it at the ranch
P : HEE! It's truly the song of the Bush presidency. WMD investigators got ya down? "I'm kind of faded, but I feel all right." Sadaam Hussein? "I can't pretend that you're only my friend . . ." Florida? "When I make up your mind you'll be comin' on home with me . . ."
M : Hahahaha!
M : I think we just solved the mystery that has plagued our country since 2000
P : Osama bin Laden? "Yeah you know you goooooooooot it, and you know I waaaaaaaaaaaant it."
P : Hee! Very true.
P : He's takin' all his cues from soulDecision.
M: He is! You know Babs was listening to a mixtape and he overheard and his mind was blown
P : Racial profiling? "When I get you all alone, I'm gonna take off all your clothes . . . "
P : He thought, "There's wisdom in them thar' boybanders!"
M : And then Barbara was all, "MO-OM, I CAN'T FIND MY TAPE!" and Laura's like, "Jenna, give your sister her tape back" and Jenna's like, "God, I don't have it!" and W walks by, jamming to a walkman
P : Hee. And Condi passes out the lyrics to his cabinet at the start of every meeting. "Gentleman, let us not lose our focus, our inspiration. Remember: he who fails to "hit it" is lost."
M: That's why Colin Powell left, he was more fond of the female popstars of the late 90s-The Spice Girls, Britney, Xtina, Mandy Moore, etc.
P : Exactly. And now Bush is all, "I want you back!" and Powell is all, "When I . . .THOUGHT I KNEW YOU . . .!"
P : And Condi is all pitious, like, "Dubya? Hit me, baby? One more time?"
M : And John Ashcroft used to be all "HEY HEY, WE'RE THE MONKEES!", trying to fit in and shit, and everybody would just stare sadly
P : Shaking their heads.
P : And Powell, on his way out, leans over, and whispers, "I'm sorry you don't have what I have."
M : And Dubya's all mad, "You'll succumb to me" under his breath
P : While over in the corner, Condi sniffles, all "Show me the meaning . . . of beeeeeeeeing lonely . . ."
M : She and Karen Hughes used to have dance-offs to "It's Gonna Be Me" over who was Dubya's BFF. Karen lost, that's why she resigned.
Hillary was really onto something with her talk of a vast right wing conspiracy. It even tainted the world of bubblegum pop music. Bush and Co. have a lot to answer for, including JoJo, Aaron Carter and the Duffs. Please remember, when you see the Bush pop music information in history textbooks, that you heard it here first.
Mallory at 2/02/2005 07:02:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 9:03 PM
Lauren said... I used to love soulDecision. Oh, who am I kidding. I still do. That song is awesome.
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at 2:59 AM
Unknown said...
They ought to have given me a one day contract on Sunday, I would have made that handle and won
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