Friday, December 31, 2004
2004 In Review: Part III
I am so sorry for being so pretentious, y'all and dividing this up into three "exciting" parts. Actually, no, not really, but whatever.
I now present to you the thrilling conclusion of my list with the most memorable pop culture moments of the year, in my expert opinion.
Janet Flashes Her Titty
Janet Jackson flashed a boob at the Superbowl halftime show and the Puritans in America had a shitfit, as if it were more offensive than the cheerleaders or Mike Ditka talking about penile enhancement pills. Shit, it's the least offensive thing any Jackson did all year! The most offensive part of the whole debacle was the fact that Janet was prolonging exposure to the "talent" of Justin Timberlake, who promptly left Janet high and dry with his "wardrobe malfunction" explanation. Whatevah, bitch. The media coverage of this was insaaaane and it ushered in a very scary "Won't someone please think of the children?!" period of time, as if the children aren't snorting Ritalin off of their cubbies in the classroom.
Bennifer Is No Longer
The long national nightmare ended, as Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez broke up for good. The editors at Us Weekly cried, at a loss for how they'd fill up the eighty percent of their magazine devoted to the couple; the world mourned. I once wrote a poem about Bennifer, for a creative writing class, back when they postponed their wedding and it got an A, so I was rooting for those crazy kids. But I knew it wasn't meant to be, solely for Ben's fashion choices, as he was fond of tanning and wearing tracksuits. And if there's something that Ben Affleck can't pull off, it's tracksuits and orange skin. Well, technically, Ben can't pull off lots of things, but I don't have enough time to detail them tonight, as I've done it for y'all before. I'll just say this: Reindeer Games. Mmmhmmm.
Britney Spears marries a guy in Las Vegas
Way to start off the year, Brit! Marrying some guy in Las Vegas and then having it annulled almost immediately. Mama Spears no doubt flipped at the prospect of losing her precious money-er, her daughter's precious money, rather and pulled some strings to have the annulment taken care of, stopping short of having Jason Alexander (the guy) killed. This is the moment that Brit made it perfectly clear that her grasp on reality was tenuous at best.
Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline
Just...wow. For starters, ew! Kevin Federline is like that grody guy at the gas station who you don't make eye contact with because you don't want to catch the skank. Then, the more we heard, the weirder it was--Springing a surprise ceremony on guests and making lil sis Jamie Lynne cry. Pimp sweatsuits. Chicken fingers. Phil Collins cds. Four (!) wardrobe changes after the ceremony. Kevin carrying the bride out of a club, presumably because she couldn't do it herself. Kevin crying when he saw Britney in her "Wicked" lingerie. Allegations of a faux wedding. Rumors that Kevin correctly used the word wed in a People magazine interview. It was like watching somebody's acid trip, you simply cannot make this stuff up.
William Hung auditions for American Idol
Hey, I never said it was a list of good things from the year. William Hung famously auditioned on American Idol and after being laughed at by Simon, Randy and Paula, became, like, the most famous person in the world. It was very uncomfortable for rational human beings because he just seemed so earnest that we weren't sure if he was being exploited but his voice was so bad that we didn't care. Personally, his audition wasn't as funny to me as Keith's was from Season 2. But, alas, the American public and I disagree once again.
Jon Stewart goes on Crossfire
Jon Stewart said what we all wanted to and lived the American dream of calling Tucker Carlson a dick on national television. Media savvy girls and boys across the land swooned and doodled "I <3 Jon" all over their Trapper Keepers.
STEWART: How old are you?
CARLSON: Thirty-five.
STEWART: And you wear a bow tie
CARLSON: What's it like to have dinner with you? It must be excruciating. Do you like lecture people like this or
do you come over to their house and sit and lecture them; they're not doing the right thing, that they're missing their opportunities, evading their responsibilities?
STEWART: If I think they are.
CARLSON: I wouldn't want to eat with you, man. That's horrible.
STEWART: I know. And you won't.
Brill. Just...brill. I love you, Jon!!
Ashlee Simpson on SNL
The horror! Ashlee Simpson was exposed as a lipsyncher on national television and was attacked in the media for her lack of ethics or whatever. As if any pop stars sing for real! The story dominated the news for weeks, more so than, I don't know, REAL stories like the war in Iraq. That crazy media!
I'll defend Ashlee's choice to lipsynch because I don't really care either way, but I cannot, in good faith, defend her dance.
The Red Sox win the World Series
The Curse is Reversed and all that. I'll let Conan explain it in detail. The downside of the Sox winning, really, is that they're just like any other team now. Being (lovable) losers was the key to their charisma, and now they're totally normal, albeit with terrible hair (say it with me! Pedro has a jhullet, y'all!)
Shandi cheats on her boyfriend on ANTM
Hilarious. Just hilarious. We actually heard a man's voice raise twelve octaves as he wailed, "You had sex?!" on national television. It was absolutely brilliant (and sad for him and all that). Apparently, Yoanna won that season or something. Whatev. That was the highlight and I thank the lord everyday for Tyra Banks and her willingness to bring me such television.
The world overdoses on Paris Hilton
Homegirl was everywhere this year. And let me tell you--when the gossip columnists at the news vow to stop covering you? You've really overdone it. Please, Paris, take this lesson and just go away. Take your sex tapes, "abusive" exboyfriend and your married/annulled sister whatshername with you. Thanks!
Other Stories Of The Year
And so on. 2004 was a crazy year, you guys, and I can only hope that 2005 is just as insane. Happy New Year!
Mallory at 12/31/2004 08:10:00 PM
4 Comments
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at 6:31 PM
Mallory said... It was totally Britney's year. I probably could have made a list of Brit's best moments, and the milkshake/mask episode definitely would have been on there.
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