Thursday, November 11, 2004
Thank you, Tyra, Thank you.
If one more person asks me if I watch Lost, I may become violent.
I understand that I am one of the five (not counting the Amish) people in the nation who don't watch Lost, and you know what? I'm fine with that. I'm sure it's a very good show but, as I am allergic to anything and everything that is related to the hobbits, am perfectly all right with not watching it. This doesn't mean that I am some sort of depraved heathen--well, no, I am, but not because of that--and, besides, Lost is up against the greatest of all great shows, America's Next Top Model.
Go ahead, laugh, drink your grape-flavored haterade, whatever. The point is, ANTM rules and we all know it.
On paper, it may look like something you'd see in some sort of a cracky haze ("Tyra Banks? Is attempting to judge up and coming supermodels? And this isn't a comedy, you're saying? But the girls are all prepubescent Eastern Bloc girls, right? No! What is this?! ON UPN?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!") but, when executed, it's nearly perfect.
The first "cycle", as TyTy Baby so cleverly named it, started it all. She brought us a group of girls from the modelly (Elyse) to the bizzoring (Shannon) to the out and out bizarre (Robin). Adrienne, the tomboyish winner who went on to do, well, er, nothing. But whatever, everybody knows that the show isn't about integrity, it's about drama, which we got in spades. Eating disorder drama! Elyse's rant!
Adrianne, stop interrupting me. Stop quoting Jay and Silent Bob right in my ear. Robin, how [bleeped word, probably "god-love"]-ing dare you show me the 'foolish is the atheist' Bible verse this morning. Giselle, you [bleep]-ing, worthless [bleep]. You are so wasteful, bitchy, stupid...you're worthless. Your parents must be ashamed of you.J...You offended me today.Dammit. Let me [bleep]-ing die. You bitches.
Is that not the greatest thing ever? It is, isn't it? And then there was the religious drama! Janice telling Shannon she should have teeth removed! Psycho Robin bringing a Bible on a date! "He was lustin'!"
Then came the second cycle, and it was awesome. Anna was all "It's not Christlike for me to pose naked with a man who's not my husband" and everybody was confused, because Jesus doesn't mind stuff like that. Simon Doonan called Catie a ho and made her cry. Camille was psychotic, delusional and quite possibly schizophrenic. Tyra rapped ("Pack your bags, y'all, you're going to Milan!"). Janice was awesome ("That was really offensive to me. I'm a member of the PTA). Sara was hot, but had dead eyes. April was over analytical. Mercedes had Lupus. And Shandi cheated on her boyfriend, marking a high point of television for confessing this transgression over the phone to her boyfriend, causing him to positively wail, "WHAT?! YOU HAD SEX?!" I didn't stop laughing for days. Oh, and Yoanna won or whatever.
And now, the third cycle continues its foremodel's great expertise in the area of awesome. I mean, the very first episode had "Bitch poured beer on my weave!", quite possibly the most glorious sentence in the English language. There was nearly a catfight in the house. Cassie was a stripper, Jennipher...well, she spelled her name Jennipher. Kelle said, in all seriousness
I'm just saying...I was in denial about my snout. And now I know. And so it's just hard to work, you're very limited.
What? That's the best thing ever. It makes no sense, but it's hilarious. "In denial about my snout". Brilliant.
Ann became all Single White Female after, like, two minutes
I don't want to change the way I feel about anyone, like, I don't want to try and control that, like, I love you, like, I will be friends with you forever...you will be in my wedding, like, I swear to God, like, I love you, and like, it kills me to walk around this house knowing that I can't, like, talk to you.
To someone she knew for two days, no lie. Be careful not to let the crazy suffocate you.
And Amanda is blind. Blind, you guys. And they put her on rollerskates. Perhaps it's just me, but that's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. Ever.
So with the elimination of Toccara last night, we're down to six, and I am calling Eva as the winner, as she's been most consistent. Norelle has the model body, but she can't walk to save her soul. Yaya is too pretentious, Ann is too psychotic/unphotogenic, Nicole is too "Who?" and Amanda is too blind.
Plus! Tyra Banks brought back into the limelight (and rightfully so) Ms. Janice Dickinson. Sure, Janice may be some sort of plastic creature stitched together in a surgeon's office, but whatever dope she's smoking is laced with the best sarcasm known to man. She's brilliant and hilarious and I just adore her, though she scares me at the same time. If you get a chance, please do read her books No Lifeguard on Duty, which is my second favorite celeb autobiography of all time, second only to Victoria Beckham's Learning to Fly, and Everything About Me Is Fake...And I'm Perfect and, really, the title just says it all.
So the next time you guys are planning on making fun of Tyra Banks--and I know how often that is, what with the forehead and the red Cowardly Lion weave--please just remember that she brought us the most brilliant show in the history of ever.
In other news, Britney Spears may be having a baby. I'm sorry, I can't think of words to adequately express just how terrifying that is.
In a move shocking only those who are blind and deaf, Nicky Hilton's marriage is officially over, freeing up her schedule and allowing her to go back to the life of table dancing and puking all over Bungalow 8. You go, Nicky, do us proud.
For those of you who didn't know, I have a sick obsession with the New York Times Wedding Announcements which are horribly sweet and pretentious and ridiculous and just amazing. So it should come as no surprise that this is the best blog ever. Really.
My caffeine intake has spiked severely in the last couple of days and, if you know me well enough, you'd know that my caffeine consumption on average is, uh, terrifying, so for it to be worse is just...uh, not good. I'm very jittery. But such is life, I suppose.
Mallory at 11/11/2004 09:13:00 PM
1 Comments
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at 12:45 PM
Dale Mason said... I too eschew Lost for ANTM, just because it is so very entertaining... I reckon I can buy Lost on dvd next year :)