Friday, November 05, 2004
The Passion of Ben Affleck
The most obvious upside to the end of the election is that we will no longer have Ben Affleck telling us what to do.
Affleck's self-appointed political leadership was rather unsettling, no matter what your party affiliation. Yay for civic duty and all that, but really, if there's one human being whose lectures you should not listen to, it's Ben Affleck. Say what you want about P. Diddy, but his level head and quick thinking have gotten him out of many a tight situation. All Ben Affleck's got going for him is the fastest success/career implosion ratio in recent memory.
It all started back with Mallrats a quirky, juvenile Kevin Smith comedy where Affleck played a cocky jerk and did quite well. How much he was acting is debatable, but whatever.
He and his Best Friend Forevah Matt Damon then decided to write a screenplay and, with help from someone at Miramax...I mean, with no help at all, Good Will Hunting was born. Not being foolish, Ben and Matt cast themselves in the film and were launched into superstardom. They even won Oscars!
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "Your life is good. You're 25, starred in one of the top grossing movies of the year and you won an Oscar! Granted, a writing Oscar which we all know doesn't count, but still! And you're dating Gwyneth Paltrow, a fashion icon in the making! Vogue says she is, and Anna Wintour don't play no games. Plus, your vaguely homoerotic relationship with Matt Damon has inspired millions to write bad fanfic. Your life is good, Ben."
But things weren't good for long. Ben signed on to Armageddon, an apocalyptic romance starring Bruce Willis that required Ben to cry tears that were obviously plastic and have a love scene with Liv Tyler that included animal crackers. He also made Phantoms where he was outacted by Rose McGowan. You know, the girl who wore dental floss to the VMAs and dated Marilyn Manson? Yeah, her. And it became apparent that Gwyneth Paltrow didn't really like him. Look at her recoiling from his kiss! How embarrassing.
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "Bruce Willis? Really? Huh. I mean, I'm sure it's nice to be in the lockers of teenage girls across the country but, dude...and your girlfriend hates you! That's so sad. Poor you."
But Ben bounced back. He took a role in Boiler Room and, while blatantly cribbing from the ouevre of Alec Baldwin, managed to not suck. Even my father agreed and my father doesn't like anybody except Christopher Walken. He and BFF Damon appeared together in Dogma and were really quite funny. And then he went on SNL and appeared in a downright hilarious sketch. The love was back.
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "The love! She is back!"
Ben, however, was determined to self destruct at all costs. He went to rehab and, while I am mean, I'd never make fun of someone for going to rehab, though I do reserve the right to laugh at the general "What the hell?"ness of Charlie Sheen driving him to Promises. Charlie Sheen. Please, take a moment to reflect upon the absurdity of that.
Around this time, Trot Nixon earned my eternal love and devotion, taking issue with Ben dissing various Red Sox players saying
"Matt Damon made you what you are, slick"
Cruel, perhaps, but definitely true. And the "slick" kills me every time. Ah.
Ben came through with the one-two punch of Changing Lanes which didn't wholly suck, and The Sum of All Fears, which did. Around this time, while doing the press rounds, he kept mentioning the idea of marrying and having children, neglecting to note that he could barely take care of himself.
And, true to his word, he promptly became engaged to the next woman he dated. Who he met while she was married. Who happened to be Jennifer Lopez.
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "Do you really think this is a good idea?!"
A national nightmare was born and given a cutesy nickname (Bennifer) to torment the public with. Their exploits were legendary-pink diamonds! Baiting the paparazzi! Ben appearing in the Jenny From The Block video and kissing her ass! No, literally, kissing her ass on video for the whole world to see!
Ben tried the whole turning orange and wearing velour jumpsuits thing. Around this time, he made Gigli, Jersey Girl and Paycheck which combined to gross $18.75 and Daredevil which just sucked.
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "It totally sucks to be you, bro."
It did, and he knew it. He often looked as though he wanted to die and was coming close to it, what with the suffocating combination of his fiance and his terrible, horrible career.
He tried everything he could do get the wedding called off, short of doing the whole murder/suicide thing. This included nailing strippers in Vancouver, but Jenny Lopez was stubborn. Eventually, though, whatever power she had over Ben had totally disappeared, and Bennifer was no more.
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "You must be so happy! Now you can go back to being a normal human being and maybe make a good movie! Oh, yay, Ben Affleck, yay for you!"
But Ben Affleck was all, "Fuck that".
He got a new girlfriend who had a fetish for Burberry tube tops and a criminal record and friends who wasted no time running to tell the paparazzi that Benny had a hair back.
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "You sure know how to pick them."
He also got a double chin and a rack some girls could kill for. He lost sight of the need to shower and took his fashion cues from the dude in Trailer #163 and infected brother Casey with that same skeeze ("Kids, don't go up to those guys in the white van, okay?")
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you said. "What the fuck? No, really, what the fuck? I know Matt Damon's career success must make you feel like shit, but really, bro...soap isn't that expensive, youknowwhatimean?"
Eventually, he regained the ability to shower and lost the paunch, but his sanity still seemed sort of fragile. He began to campaign for John Kerry at the Democratic National Convention, which posed a couple of problems. I mean, he was everywhere getting interviewed. Everywhere. I saw more of him than I did of John Kerry. Oh, and, yeah he had never voted before.
Damn, Ben. Damn.
And now, Ben has another Jen, another box office bomb and rumors that he will be appearing with the New Jen on Alias
"Wow, Ben Affleck," you say. "Will you ever learn? Sometimes enough is enough, man. Why don't you take a nice break and maybe just sleep for a while and think about what you've done. Your Red Sox won the World Series, just be happy about that and go to a spa or something, yo."
To which Ben Affleck responds, "Der?"
Sigh.
It's no wonder young folk stayed away from the polls in droves, with Ben telling them they should vote. Would you take his advice? I think not. I hope that the Democratic party learns from this escapade and prevents all freakish actors from getting the vote out.
Mallory at 11/05/2004 01:05:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 11:43 PM
said... Thank you so, so much. Will you do retrospectives for other celebrities, too? For me?
I'm going to be saying "Wow, Ben Affleck" all the time now.
Tryntze-
at 11:00 AM
Rayanne Graff said... Wow. You almost had me feeling sorry for him. You can work all kinds of dark magicks.
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at 8:08 PM
seanlmccarthy said...
You may also enjoy reading this article from Boston's Weekly Dig earlier this summer on the case against Ben Affleck...
http://www.weeklydig.com/dig/content/7193.aspx