Saturday, November 27, 2004

Oh, Aaron!

Proving that celebrities and my caffeine addiction are always first and foremost in my mind, I had a dream that Aaron Carter worked at the local Starbucks.

(I know, I just called Aaron Carter a celebrity, which he's totally not. But I don't know quite how else to explain him)

Aaron Carter is, quite possibly, the most repulsive thing in show business and if not the most repulsive, than at least in the top five.

I feel almost bad hating him so much, as being the second banana to Nick Carter has to sting. That's a sad life for anyone. Not to mention that Nick and Aaron support Mama Carter, who I believe uses their earnings to finance the meth lab in the basement. Apparently, the entire Carter family lives on a compound. Yes. The compound's interior design theme revolves a lot around wicker, pastels and Jack Daniels. Nothing against those of you who live on compounds, of course, but ew. The Carter family give off a distinctly...icky vibe, a level of which is usually found in trailer park toilets. Nick Carter is the least trashiest of them all, and that's saying something. Like, his sister got arrested for shoplifting jewelry from a drugstore. That's trashy trashy.

But hate him I do, which is why the fact that he showed up in my dream makes me want to shower so badly.

He may think that my hatred is irrational, but all I have to say to that is-Aaron, please.

  • He sang a song called That's How I Beat Shaq, an inane sort of thing (to call it a song would be giving it far, far too much credit) about a game of one-on-one where he beat Shaquille O'Neal. Let me tell you, folks, it's like an ear worm. When you hear it once, it won't leave your head. It's terrifying in its power, an evil dictator could use it to take over the world.

    Aaron, please. A song with lyrics like

    It's like boom (boom)/I put it in the hoop/Like slam (slam)/I heard the crowd screaming/out jam (jam)/I swear that I'm telling you the facts/Cuz that's how I beat Shaq


    should really earn a person some jail time.

  • He is at the root of Hollywood's greatest feud--Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff. Lindsay dated him first, but then they broke up and he started dating the Duffsta and he showed up to the set of the Vanity Fair "Tween Issue" last year and Lindsay pitched a bitch and I believe he needed to leave. Probably safer for him that way, as Lindsay could kick some ass and would probably burn him with her cigarettes. Now...Aaron Carter? Looks like this:



    Yes. Two of the brightest stars in young Hollywood were fighting over that. No matter your opinion on Lindsay and Hilary, you must admit that they are, like, lightyears out of his league. Lightyears.

    Aaron, please. Clearasil isn't so expensive.

  • He has been seen wearing what appears to be a bunch of muppets. Seriously, homeboy wears fur monstrosities that even Star Jones wouldn't be caught dead in.


    And with...shiny pants? And...cornrows? You don't see anything quite so hideous when you're not on a week long bender. And even then, in drug fueled hazes, the night terrors aren't quite so frightening.

    Aaron, please. To call that a fashion faux pas is the understatement of the decade. The muppet duster, the shiny pants, the cornrows...they all add up to a level of fug not fit for this planet.

  • He's friends with Michael Jackson. He willingly spent the night at Jacko's house. Jacko gave him a turquoise Bentley.

    I think I speak for us all when I say, ew, turqoise?! And also-WACKO JACKO?!?!

    Aaron, please. Embarking on a friendship with Michael Jackson is forty shades of creepy and the dumb, deaf and blind all know better.

  • He has no concept of the world around him. He's so out of touch with reality that, if I didn't know better, I'd strongly suspect he was autistic, or Amish.

    From People:

    I've been seeing a couple of people. There was a Hawaiian Tropic model I was seeing named Monique....we're just friends now. I'm not going to tell you, "Oh, looks don't matter." If you don't look good, get away from me!


    I think I speak for us all when I say, "Honey, you really can't afford to be so picky".

    My sound is definitely changing. It is going to have more of an R&B vibe with some rock. It's influenced by Craig David, Usher and Justin Timberlake.


    Yes, Craig David, Usher and Justin Timberlake are the godfathers of R&B. And let's not forget the Tupac shirt that he wore on his episode of Cribs. Aaron keeps it real, yo! Marvin Who? Usher's where it's at, y'all! "My Boo" is so genius, it makes me want to weep.

    Aaron, please. Craig David paints his damn mustache on every morning, Usher looks like a penis, and Justin Timberlake has been girlier than all of his girlfriends and I include Britney on that list.

  • He has been seen tonguing his sister. His twin sister.

    I know.

    Oh, don't believe me? Don't say I didn't warn you...



    I know, just send me your therapy bills.

    Aaron, please. Incest, despite evidence to the contrary (like Passions, for example), is not cool. You may have skanked your way around tween Hollywood, but that's no reason to dip in your own gene pool!

    Mallory at 11/27/2004 07:14:00 PM

    4comments

    4 Comments

    at 3:00 AM Blogger Douche Toronto said...

    (Miss Paprika from the OTZ here.)

    Okay, first of all, Aaron Carter is seriously nasty.

    Second, That's How I Beat Shaq is easily one of the worst songs I've ever heard. (And that's saying a lot, because I actually go out looking for really bad music.) The first time I ever saw the music video, I cried. I don't know if I was crying because I was so damn amused, or because I was in so much pain, but whatever. It was an experience I will never forget.

    And third, um, yeah, Craig David? What the hell, Aaron? Who told you that was a good idea?

     
    at 11:24 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Ooooh, I just found this page! And it's my new favorite thing ever, of course. Besides "That's How I Beat Shaq," which is my old favorite thing ever. That was our song before "Sister Christian" supplanted it.

    -Pasha

     
    at 10:14 PM Blogger Mallory said...

    Jessica, it is his sister, really and truly. Said picture was found by my source (who I won't name, in an effort to protect her dignity) at an Aaron Carter fansite. And all of his fans pretty much confirmed that it was his TWIN SISTER and weren't squicked. Ew.

    I wonder if James E. Reilly will make Chad and Whitney have the first deformed child on television. Multiple limbs, perhaps? I wouldn't put it past him.

    Salome, I know, Mama Carter scares me. She just doesn't get it...at all.

     
    at 2:35 AM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    That is NOT Aaron Carters twin sister in that picture. It doesn't even look like her.

    As for the entire article, you need a life. Why waste precious time of your life to rag on a guy you don't even know personally? It's pathetic, grow up.

     

    Post a Comment