Thursday, June 15, 2006
Horrible Lies
I am going to preface by saying that I am totally down with people who suffer from vision problems. I listen to Stevie Wonder. Steve Johnson is my favorite television character ever (and he's back! With amnesia! And Kayla is back too! OMGOMGOMG!). I'm totally rah rah for people who can't see.
Except for when they exert an unnatural amount of influence on People magazine. I know that I always say that People is a crap magazine and it is, but damn it, it's a crap magazine that a trillion people read and if you think I am just going to let zillions of people be influenced by the propaganda this bullshit magazine spreads, you are so wrong.
People is throwing all of its journalistic integrity out the window and falsely claiming, in its annual Hottest Bachelor issue, that the following people are hot, and actually, before I even start on that, why the hell are unmarried men hot in the eyes of People but when women aren't married the magazine headlines scream "EVERYTHING BUT LOVE" and similarly offensive garbage? I am getting madder by the moment.
Anyway, these people are not hot:
"American Idol" Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 "hottest bachelor" by People magazine — and he's looking for love.
The 29-year-old silver-haired crooner tops People's list in the magazine's new issue, on newsstands Friday. But the "Idol" winner says he'd happily give up his bachelor days.
"There's been no time," Hicks says of his dating life. "Now, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with the right woman."
Hicks also wants to find a woman he exchanged glances with on a recent airline flight. Of the mystery blonde, he says, "We waved and did a double-take look. It seemed like something out of a movie."
The magazine has set up e-mail and mailing addresses for the mystery woman to contact Hicks. The singer will also perform the song "Possibilities" in a new commercial for the Ford Motor Co., it was announced Wednesday.
Other "hot" bachelors — who aren't ranked by the magazine — are several celebrities no longer involved in high-profile romances, including Matthew McConaughey (ex-boyfriend of Penelope Cruz), Nick Lachey (formerly married to Jessica Simpson), Jake Gyllenhaal (who dated Kirsten Dunst) and Kenny Chesney (briefly married to Renee Zellweger).
The list also includes Ryan Seacrest, Jamie Foxx, Owen Wilson and Wentworth Miller.
Seriously. Shut the hell up, People. Having Taylor Hicks top the list of Hottest anything is like proclaiming Stella Tenant to be the most gorgeous woman in the history of ever: AN EFFING LIE. Just...no.
It makes me want to run as fast as I can, and since I never run if I can help it, sweaty Taylor Hicks joins only ax-wielding maniac on my list of Things That Will Make Me Sprint.
Before anybody starts with unshallow statements like "But he's an awesome singer" or "he seems really nice", I will remind you that this is not what the list is about. The list is about being hot, in the superficial sense. Taylor Hicks is not hot. He is just not. I will not hear anything to the contrary. Not. Hot.
Also, between naming Ryan Seacrest, Kenny Chesney, Jake Gyllenhaal, Wentworth Miller and Matthew McConaughey, I am wondering if the United Federation of (Barely) Closeted Actors negotiated with the blind in order to put this list together. And what is with this magazine's obsession with Matthew McConaughey? First Sexiest Man Alive and now this. It's like down is up and up is down and it's 1996 again, back when there was anything remotely appealing about him, back before we knew about the naked bongoes and the relationship with professional beard Penelope Cruz.
And also, Ryan Seacrest? No. Let's not feed his ego even more, People. He already thinks he's the prettiest princess at the party, he doesn't need added validation, and also, he looks like a deep fried frog.
I do not like this, Sam I Am.
I also do not like seeing Britney Spears on The Today Show first thing in the morning blubbering about the paparazzi and how she's a real good momma. I am a big fan of pre-Federline Britney and willing to go on the record as such, but...I find her seriously distressing these days. That sort of thing should not be show early in the morning and if it must be, it should be accompanied by a viewer discretion warning, because she was all sniffly and greasy and her makeup was smeared, and I can't even talk about it anymore.
The girl is a hot mess.
No changing table? No problem. One June 4, Britney Spears, 24, with 9-month-old son Sean in tow, picked up pink thongs at a Victoria’s Secret in Mission Viejo, California. Her next order of, uh, business? Changing Sean’s dirty diaper — on the floor next to the cash register! Says the source, “Britney then tried to hand it to an employee,” but the salesperson wouldn’t take it.
What the hell?! I mean, I guess it's better than the floor of a gas station, but damn. If you are tired of every person in America calling you trash, don't do stuff like that!
Mallory at 6/15/2006 12:17:00 PM