The Media Gadfly

Um, Ew

2006-08-17T17:38:00.000-04:00

I take things very seriously. It is probably my single biggest character flaw. I can't even count the times I have stormed away from the dining room table in tears because somebody made a joke at my expense, usually pertaining to the size of my head or the fact that Derek Jeter looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.

But for once, I don't think I am overreacting when I wound up seething and crying after reading a magazine article.

Details brings us the article Why Fat Is Back In Hollywood. Huh? I read trashy magazines like it's my job and in none of these magazines did I see actresses and other celebrities who looked fat. But I am often oblivious, so maybe I'm wrong.

So, apparently, the curvy figure is back in style. I am uncomfortable with the idea that a body can be in or out of style since it's so, like, possible to change the one you have. But whatever. I'm all for appreciation of curvy women, even if the entire article has that smarmy sort of feel to it, like, "by saying this, I am proving I am sensitive and sucking up to the majority of women in the country and I am soooo going to get laid" which, ew.

I do, however, have problems with the following:

The description for the slideshow, which says PLUS: A visual smorgasbord of the sexiest plate-scrapers ever. Plate-scrapers? PLATE-SCRAPERS? At the risk of looking like a hysterical myspace teen OMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTF?

The url for the slideshow in questions is details/features/slideshow/v/072006FATTIES' ?!?! So are these women sexy and wonderful or are they fatties? Fatties doesn't exactly seem like a glowing endorsement, does it?

The hilariously clever (except NOT) photo which accompanies the article:

Bwah! If you're bigger than an Olsen twin, you are a fattie which means you are like a pig in ugly heels. Hilarious

The list of curvy women that the article presents ranges from reasonable (there is no other word for Monica Bellucci than curvy, except maybe "holyshitsmokinghot") to the "I don't really think so, but compared to her tiny costar, o...kay" (Katherine Heigl) to the "Seriously, what the fuck are these people talking about?" (Evangeline Lilly). Seriously, what the fuck are these people talking about? And if they are curvy, this means that they are a pig in ugly heels, which means they are a fattie, which means that this person:

is a fattie.

The fattie slideshow itself includes Romola Garai (who...has a noticeable ass? I guess. That's the only reason why I can think she'd be on here), Blair from The Facts of Life (way to stay current, guys), Kristin Davis (?!?!?!) (?!?!?!), and Miss Piggy.

Somewhere along the line I remembered that Details in and of itself is a waste of my time so I should not spend any more time being irritated with it, but I can't help it because (1)I am oversensitive (2)I like to complain and (3)whoever wrote this has a better job than I do and that is just not fair.
***

While I am in a horrible mood, I might as well register my disgust that the delightful and adorable Allison was kicked off of Project Runway so that Vincent could stay.

Okay, Allison's garment was hideola and that insane hair choice was not helping

But Vincent has brought us not one, not two, but four horrible creations and if he is not stopped soon, weeks of our lives will be ruined by having to view the insanity that he considers high fashion

I think he needs a rabies shot.

What the hell, Heidi? You're the world's most adorable person and I could listen to you mangle traditional pronunciations all the live long day, but you crib Elle McPherson's nickname and then you try to turn the whole world blind by making us deal with Vincent every day?! On top of his hideola designs, he makes repeated references to what "gets [him] off" and EW! EW! No! Stop! Seriously! EW!

If he doesn't go next week, I am filing a class action lawsuit.
***
And! The Yankees get rocked by the Orioles. Nothing is going my way today! Is this Tom Cruise's way of exacting revenge on me for all of the times I have made fun of him? Is Xenu truly that powerful?

Honestly, how do they let Jaret Wright pitch in the major leagues? I'd much rather have Ron Guidry out on the mound or maybe even Don Larsen. This has got to stop.

Ew, Timberflake

2006-08-16T16:05:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling dreadfully old lately, because all of the hard-hitting journalism I read is talking about things like the new season of Laguna Beach and Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler breaking up and I am pretty much speechless because I know nothing about either of those things. What the hell is a Moakler? I always prided myself upon being hip and with it, but right now I'm, like, a step above my father who once asked me what David Beckham's wife if famous for, and when I had a fit and started screaming incoherently about the Spice Girls, he asked if that was a band.

But it's nice to know that no matter how old I get, Justin Timberlake will still be a douchebag.

Justin Timberlake is not in awe of Taylor Hicks’ talent.

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket,” Timberlake told Fashion Rocks, a supplement of Vanity Fair. Timberlake also thinks that Hicks’ fame is fragile. “If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then he takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”

The “Justified” singer has mixed feelings about “American Idol,” the show made Hicks famous. “I have a strange relationship with that show,” he said. “I despise it, yet I’m completely fascinated.”

What the hell? Firstly, who on earth cares what Justin Timberlake has to think about anything? Well, okay, I care about what he thinks about Britney's descent into Federdom, but no carbon based life form would want to know his deep thoughts on anything else ever. Actually, no, I am sort of interested in hearing if Cameron Diaz's skin is really as bad as everyone says it is, but that aside, nobody cares about his thoughts, ever.

Secondly, "if, God forbid, he's gay"? Shut the hell up, you curly-haired skeeze. Were that many people wondering if Taylor Hicks is gay that Justin Effing Timberlake has to bring this up in interviews?

Thirdly, "earnest"? "Can't carry a tune in a basket"? When did it become 1953 again?

Fourthly, I think Justin's a little jealous of the mega success American Idol has. I would be too, I guess, if I were him. After all, he had to spend lots of quality time with Lou Perlman, so he definitely paid a high price for his fame.

Lastly, "SexyBack" sucks. Like, seriously, sucks, like, violently awful. And I don't have high standards when it comes to music, either, because I love Mandy Moore and Xtina and ridiculously cheesy awfulness and I would rather drive into oncoming traffic than listen to "SexyBack" all the way through.

Someone just needs to kick him in the face. I will start a PayPal collection and bankroll this random act of violence. Perhaps I will post a craigslist ad to see if anybody is willing to help in this great cause.
***

In other news, the late, great Joe DiMaggio was afraid of Tom Cruise before it was fashionable.

I want to marry and have a million babies with this piece of gossip

"He'd show up at baseball-signing shows and wait for Joe to come out," says the source. "One time, he waited outside a restaurant for him for three hours. [DiMaggio] called him 'a short little guy.' He didn't like it. He felt like he was stalking him."

I mean, can you blame him for being freaked out? Imagine a leaving your house to go to work and finding a dwarf in your front yard, overlaughing and jumping around. You'd be scared and you know it. Poor Joe.
***
How awesome is Project Runway? I think this is the best season thus far, if only for Michael and Laura, who are just awesome. Kayne and Robert are quite funny, but not on their level. Can you imagine being able to be as disdainful as Laura is? I may not have many goals in life, but reaching her level of coolness is certainly one of them.
***
From the ridiculous to the sublime: The lovely and amazing Janelle has a new blog Too Fat For Fashion. Do check it out! You won't be disappointed.

And a PS: I have made a deal with myself that I cannot have a Frappuccino until I get back to updating regularly, which means no more two week breaks before furiously writing a hysterical missive. The CEO of Starbucks just started crying and he doesn't know why...

The Return of The Random

2006-08-02T16:06:00.000-04:00

Whenever I pop in to do a monthly update, as seems to be my habit (which I will be stopping, because I made an August resolution to update regularly, like, for real, as God is my witness, and I will also never go hungry again), I feel like an inattentive mother remembering that she has a child. I think this is mostly because I am insane and also watch too many soap operas.

But an awful lot has happened lately, hasn't it? I can't believe that I didn't make a post solely to praise Emily Blunt for showing the world the most perfect examples of bitchface and eyerolling in recent memory. She needs a monument in her honor, I think.

Since my as yet undiagnosed and entirely made up ADD prevents me from remembering events that happened more than a week ago, I am going to reserve my comments for things that happened relatively recently.

Okay, this has nothing to do with pop culture, but I just realized that the phrase I hate most in the world is "take care" because (1)it's so generic and lame and (2)I never know how to respond to it. Thank you? You too? I am hopeless and am beginning to think I wasn't socialized properly because I get flummoxed by it, and I often say "you, too" when waiters serve me at restaurants. There is something wrong with me.

Bobby Abreu is on the Yankees. I am actually really relieved that they made this trade, if only because it effectively means that Gary Sheffield won't be back next year, which, huzzah! I can't stand Gary Sheffield for myriad reasons including his bad attitude, his use of steroids, his bad attitude, his batting stance, the fact that his wife had sex with R. Kelly, and his bad attitude. If we could only do the same and erase Randy Johnson (elderly), Jaret Wright (unable to locate the strike zone), Sidney Ponson (drunkard), Carl Pavano (useless), Tanyon Sturtze (same) and Jason Giambi (greasy; called Giambino in supremely irritating fashion by Yankees broadcasters), I would be the happiest person ever.

All this means is that the contracts of the above will be extended, they will be given raises and even more horrible people will make their way onto the roster. Such is life.

I am also looking forward to being able to make jokes about troll dolls every single day, because that will never get old for me (tragically, I am being completely sincere on that count).

=

Uncanny!

Watching Curt Schilling get shelled on Sunday made me embarrassingly happy. I may have gotten drunk and danced gleefully around my house, I will neither confirm nor deny those reports.

The entire world can now see that Mel Gibson is a freakshow. Most of us already knew already, so this is just confirming what we knew to be true. I announced to one of my lit classes that Gibson was a damn nutbar back in 2004, and they all disagreed, but who's laughing now, former ENG362 students?! How was it not ridiculously obvious to people, what with the religious zealotry, the crazy eyes, the manic interviews, and What Women Want. I love it. I also love how lame his apologies have been:

"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse."

The blatant ploy for sympathy at the end aside (if he had written that on instant messenger, it would have ended with an emoticon of sorts, like :o''( or something), I love how he says he said things that he does not believe to be true. You can get me drunk enough that I need to get my stomach pumped, and I wouldn't start screaming things that I don't believe to be true, like that Kevin Federline is handsome, or that Sienna Miller has great fashion sense. Nice try, Gibson, but we can't be fooled.

Project Runway 3 is awesome. I do have moments where I think I should picket outside of Bravo Headquarters to get more screentime for the fabulous and criminally underrated Michael Knight, but then I remember that the season was already filmed and edited, so it would be useless, and it's really hot out, so I would get cranky on the picket line. But let me state for the record that if Michael doesn't advance far into the competition, I will...I will be sad.

And I know I am falling right into the producers' clever trap in saying this, but Keith: honestly. Enough. Enough with the Keith. He's almost beaten Daniel Franco on the list of most horrible reality tv contestants; I don't think a day will come when I loathe someone more than Franco. But anyway, everything about Keith just screams "I'm better than you and I know it", as if he were a fashionable, thin version of White Goodman from Dodgeball, with more questionable sexuality and an inability to keep his eyes open. What is with that? Is it drugs, or does he just not think the general public is deserving of him making eye contact with us? I do wishe he'd stay around for a while, if only to cruelly mock Angela, who I think is a serial killer of sorts who they attempted to reform and now she satisfies her evil urges by creating ghastly garments.

Colin Farrell is allegedly stalking Dessrae Bradford, who confronted him on The Tonight Show with a copy of her latest book, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy and rantings that he is crazy. That is hilarious enough in and of itself, because wouldn't you think she'd mention the numerous STDs she would have gotten simply by being within three feet of him? Or perhaps those are detailed in the book. But what makes this absolutely BRILLIANT is that Ms. Bradford (if you're nasty) is the same genius who brought us I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass. This kind of crazy could power a locomotive. I love her, a little.

It has been pretty much awesome these last few days, suffocating and painful heat wave aside. Yay!

You're Not The Boss, Heffa

2006-07-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

It's a sad state of affairs if, in the year 2006, you find your day ruined by Alyssa Milano, but there you have it:

Your average baseball jersey is about to get the Charmed touch.

Good witch Alyssa Milano announced Friday that she'll be partnering with G-III Apparel Group and Major League Baseball� to create a line of ladies' baseball gear designed for juniors (aka WB fans).

The femme athletic wear will be distributed under the label TOUCH--by Alyssa Milano.

What the former Who's the Boss star has in mind, however, sounds as if it's tailor-made more for sitting in the stands rather than for sliding in the dirt. Stylish tops, denim and dresses are part of the proposed lineup, all "utilizing high quality fabrics and body-contouring silhouettes," per a release issued by Milano's publicist.

The sporty duds will have their debut at the Magic show in Las Vegas, which takes place Aug. 28 to 31, and then will be in stores by spring 2007 (in time for MLB's opening day, we presume).

"TOUCH--by Alyssa Milano was born out of necessity," the 33-year-old actress said in a statement. "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team."

Or, as in Milano's case, their favorite player. For the past few years, baseball has been more than a business--and more than a game, as well--to the aspiring designer. Milano was romantically linked to New York Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and then Oakland Athletics pitcher Barry Zito, and she's currently dating L.A. Dodgers--you guessed it--pitcher Brad Penny.

"Her personality and love for the game, combined with her fashion sense, will pave the way for success at boutiques, specialty stores and high-end department stores," Carl Banks, president of sports licensing for G-III, said in a statement. "I strongly believe that TOUCH�will bring the category to another level."

Shut. Up.

FIRSTLY, Touch by Alyssa Milano sounds dreadfully skanky.

SECONDLY, where was your devotion to style when you chose this outfit, Alyssa?!?!

THIRDLY, how many more major league pitchers will throw away their chance at a below-5 ERA in order to get into Alyssa Milano's pants?

Barry Zito stepped out with Alyssa in 2004, and promptly lost his ability to pitch, finishing that season with a high ERA and an 11-11 record, and following that season with a mediocre 14-13 season that was completely unbecoming for a young former Cy Young winner

Carl Pavano became the basbeall--actually, the general world's most useless person with all sorts of random injuries and general suckitude after his relationship with Alyssa ended. The man has pitched a total of 100 innings for the Yankees since his big contract signing (and he sucked in all of them). I think he may hate himself.

Okay, so Brad Penny isn't having a horrible season this year, but the man is most known for being a degenerate who ruined a child's life by daring him to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Okay, so that's overstating it just a bit, but still, get some friends your own age, dude, or buy a scratch off ticket.

FOURTHLY, even if they are okay with getting bad in order to be close with Alyssa Milano (Seriously, can someone explain this to me? Who's The Boss wasn't that good...), do they realize that it makes them UGLIER?! Or maybe they were always...unpretty and it just highlights it when she dates them, like she takes whatever hope they had of clinging onto presentability and uses them for nefarious purposes like keeping Charmed on the air eight seasons longer than it needed to be.

Barry Zito's face is doughy AND he has awful taste in clothes.

Dare I detect a subtle sheen of grease?

That...looks to be a cranberry colored crushed velvet outfit.

Carl Pavano's eye wonk rivals Paris Hilton's

Don't look at it for too long or else you won't be able to look away.

Brad Penny...did not have far to go

FIFTH, "body-contouring silhouettes" makes me think of a catsuit

SIXTH, stuff like this "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team." makes me hate women. Same thing with pink baseball hats. Why can't you just wear a regular hat or t-shirt? Why do you have to shout from the rooftops that you are still girly? Pink is my favorite color and I appreciate its place in society, but come ON.

I feel ashamed of how irritated I am by this.

***

Horrible Lies

2006-06-15T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am going to preface by saying that I am totally down with people who suffer from vision problems. I listen to Stevie Wonder. Steve Johnson is my favorite television character ever (and he's back! With amnesia! And Kayla is back too! OMGOMGOMG!). I'm totally rah rah for people who can't see.

Except for when they exert an unnatural amount of influence on People magazine. I know that I always say that People is a crap magazine and it is, but damn it, it's a crap magazine that a trillion people read and if you think I am just going to let zillions of people be influenced by the propaganda this bullshit magazine spreads, you are so wrong.

People is throwing all of its journalistic integrity out the window and falsely claiming, in its annual Hottest Bachelor issue, that the following people are hot, and actually, before I even start on that, why the hell are unmarried men hot in the eyes of People but when women aren't married the magazine headlines scream "EVERYTHING BUT LOVE" and similarly offensive garbage? I am getting madder by the moment.

Anyway, these people are not hot:

"American Idol" Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 "hottest bachelor" by People magazine — and he's looking for love.

The 29-year-old silver-haired crooner tops People's list in the magazine's new issue, on newsstands Friday. But the "Idol" winner says he'd happily give up his bachelor days.

"There's been no time," Hicks says of his dating life. "Now, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with the right woman."

Hicks also wants to find a woman he exchanged glances with on a recent airline flight. Of the mystery blonde, he says, "We waved and did a double-take look. It seemed like something out of a movie."

The magazine has set up e-mail and mailing addresses for the mystery woman to contact Hicks. The singer will also perform the song "Possibilities" in a new commercial for the Ford Motor Co., it was announced Wednesday.

Other "hot" bachelors — who aren't ranked by the magazine — are several celebrities no longer involved in high-profile romances, including Matthew McConaughey (ex-boyfriend of Penelope Cruz), Nick Lachey (formerly married to Jessica Simpson), Jake Gyllenhaal (who dated Kirsten Dunst) and Kenny Chesney (briefly married to Renee Zellweger).

The list also includes Ryan Seacrest, Jamie Foxx, Owen Wilson and Wentworth Miller.

Seriously. Shut the hell up, People. Having Taylor Hicks top the list of Hottest anything is like proclaiming Stella Tenant to be the most gorgeous woman in the history of ever: AN EFFING LIE. Just...no.

It makes me want to run as fast as I can, and since I never run if I can help it, sweaty Taylor Hicks joins only ax-wielding maniac on my list of Things That Will Make Me Sprint.

Before anybody starts with unshallow statements like "But he's an awesome singer" or "he seems really nice", I will remind you that this is not what the list is about. The list is about being hot, in the superficial sense. Taylor Hicks is not hot. He is just not. I will not hear anything to the contrary. Not. Hot.

Also, between naming Ryan Seacrest, Kenny Chesney, Jake Gyllenhaal, Wentworth Miller and Matthew McConaughey, I am wondering if the United Federation of (Barely) Closeted Actors negotiated with the blind in order to put this list together. And what is with this magazine's obsession with Matthew McConaughey? First Sexiest Man Alive and now this. It's like down is up and up is down and it's 1996 again, back when there was anything remotely appealing about him, back before we knew about the naked bongoes and the relationship with professional beard Penelope Cruz.

And also, Ryan Seacrest? No. Let's not feed his ego even more, People. He already thinks he's the prettiest princess at the party, he doesn't need added validation, and also, he looks like a deep fried frog.

I do not like this, Sam I Am.
***
I also do not like seeing Britney Spears on The Today Show first thing in the morning blubbering about the paparazzi and how she's a real good momma. I am a big fan of pre-Federline Britney and willing to go on the record as such, but...I find her seriously distressing these days. That sort of thing should not be show early in the morning and if it must be, it should be accompanied by a viewer discretion warning, because she was all sniffly and greasy and her makeup was smeared, and I can't even talk about it anymore.

The girl is a hot mess.

No changing table? No problem. One June 4, Britney Spears, 24, with 9-month-old son Sean in tow, picked up pink thongs at a Victoria’s Secret in Mission Viejo, California. Her next order of, uh, business? Changing Sean’s dirty diaper — on the floor next to the cash register! Says the source, “Britney then tried to hand it to an employee,” but the salesperson wouldn’t take it.

What the hell?! I mean, I guess it's better than the floor of a gas station, but damn. If you are tired of every person in America calling you trash, don't do stuff like that!

Q: What Has Two Thumbs And Hates The World?

2006-05-23T12:15:00.000-04:00

A: THIS GIRL!

It seems like every which way I turn (which is an awful lot; my short attention span means that I turn quite often), I see something that provokes in me a certain level of annoyance, from mild irritation to outrage. This, coupled with the fact that I turned 23 this week and am thus nearing antiquity, makes me think that I should either (1)hire people to disseminate news and gossip to me, filtering out anything that would get my ire up (2)become a hermit (3)turn to Scientology (4)embrace the rage and become that scary bag lady who yells that you are going to hell when you walk by her.

All worthy options, natch. Perhaps I will use a Magic 8 Ball.

I have been so neglectful of my poor blog lately, as I have been relentlessly negative about everything and felt bad writing down rants about everything, but seriously: is it just me or is the world at large extremely annoying these days?

EXHIBIT A: THE YANKEES/RED SOX RIVALRY

You know how most soap operas have that one big central rivalry? Like Katherine and Jill on The Young and the Restless, Brooke and Erica on All My Children and Vicki and Dorian on One Life To Live? Okay, maybe you don't know that because you aren't drawn to daytime tv the way I am...uh, anyway, since, like, 1976, all of these bitches have been fighting with each other and every single time they have a BIG CONFRONTATION, the soap opera magazines (which I do not read) have it on their cover: "KATHERINE THREATENS JILL!" "VICKI AND DORIAN: FACE TO FACE!"

But with soap operas being what they are, these confrontations happen at least twice every six months, which means that the soap opera press has been running the same story four months yearly for the past 30 years and treating it as if it were something totally groundbreaking and important. Like, all caps IMPORTANT.

This is how the sports media is with the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. Perhaps this is just the sour grapes speaking after last night's debacle, but seriously. The two teams play each other twenty times between April and October and each series is prefaced by "SHOWDOWN IN BEANTOWN: YANKEES VS. SOX" or "BASEBALL'S GREATEST RIVALRY REVISTED" or something written to stir up the troops and get people all excited for the GREATEST SERIES OF ALL TIME.

How do we not all have excitement fatigue by now? It's just such a...let down. Like, you get all excited "Ohmigod, biggest series ever!" and then you're watching the two game series and you're like, "Uh, it's the first week in May, is this really so major?" and then four weeks later they play again and you're like "Ohmigod...wait, this seems familiar" and in between running to Web MD and diagnosing yourself with a brain injury and muting the chatter of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, you realized that you totally got played.

I, personally, am over it. You can only read so many semi-hysterical articles or books about it before you officially just lose your mind. I am at that point in my life, where hearing my arch enemy Michael Kay talk about what an important series this is fills me with such rage that I want to break things, but I don't even have the energy to pick something up to break it.

And if I feel this way, I can only imagine what the rest of the world feels like what with the constant coverage of two teams who are basically filled with overpaid assholes.

Alex Rodriguez can come up with the big hit when it's a 25-0 blowout of the Detroit Tigers, but GOD FORBID he hit the ball when it actually matters. The media has taken to calling him Double Play-Rod and K-Rod, and I think those are only slightly better than my insult of choice ("GARHASSHOLARGHEW!")

Curt Schilling. Nobody in the world likes Curt Schilling except for Shonda Schilling and Dubya. The man is reviled and with good reason. A recent GQ list of the Most Hated Athletes placed him high at the top and mentioned that all of baseball thinks that the bloody sock incident was fake. And it is so true, I can just see him using paint or perhaps ketchup to make his ankle look bad and I just--no, I have to stop. I will settle for saying that one of my fondest A-Rod memories is when Schilling made his highly hyped bullpen debut after coming off of the DL and the angels sang and his standing ovation was an hour long and A-Rod hit it out of the park. Good times.

What can be said about Jason Giambi that thousands of men in Daytona Beach for 1992 Spring Break didn't say already?

Is it just me or does Manny Ramirez look...dirty? And that dirty coupled with arrogant is kickworthy? It's not just me, right?

Yes, I can see why this matchup is worthy of being discussed for roughly 3/4 of the baseball season. They are all so endearing and fascinating and it's never been done before!

EXHIBIT B: TAYLOR HICKS WILL PROBABLY WIN AMERICAN IDOL

Yes, Kat McPhee screeches more often than not. Yes, she is soulless and has an annoying stage mother. Yes, she probably should have gone home before Chris.

But if she doesn't win, I will cry.

Taylor Hicks is just...why does he do the things he does? Why does he have spasms and seizures and distract people from his voice with his antics?

EXHIBIT C: LISA RINNA HAUNTS MY DREAMS
I don't have too many irrational fears, except for clowns and wide-ruled paper. Oh, and murderous children. And--okay, so I have irrational fears, but few of them compare to the combination of terror and fascination I feel about Lisa Rinna.

In order for any of this to make sense, I must make some startling admissions:

I watch soap operas, both primetime and daytime

I have been known to watch Soap Talk on SoapNet if I am bored and/or waiting for another show to come on

Maybe those aren't startling, as I have made it well known that I have bad taste in many areas of my life....

Due to the above, and the media's fascination with Dancing With The Stars, a show that I am proud to say I have never watched, I have had to deal with Lisa Rinna more than the average person. And she scares me.

Back when she played Billie Reed on Days of Our Lives, she was an odd looking person, but I was more disturbed by the poor Bo Brady recast than her face.

She still looked marginally human on Melrose Place

But recently, she made the foolish move of having collagen, despite her lips already being enormous. And, on top of that, she has become an over aerobicized freak with muscles popping out all over. And, on top of that, she seems to bathe in self tanner hourly. The end result is a hot mess.

Now, if I were a deformity of such epic proportions, I would never leave the house, but there she is, everywhere, screeching like a howler monkey. She is just so...abrasive. And I seriously think she'd cut someone. There's something crazy in her eyes.

EXHIBIT D: TERI HATCHER

Why? Why does she brag about not having sex in every interview she gives? Is it meant to make the common person say, "Hey! A Hollywood superstah can't get any, either! Stars really ARE just like us!" Because I think it makes her look even more pathetic and I didn't think that was possible. The woman willingly stepped out in public with Ryan Seacrest, ruining her chances to have the approval of the world at large because no other woman has done something so foolish.

EXHIBIT E: A SUSPICIOUS LACK OF PICTURES OF SURI CRUISE

Brooke Shields has already taken baby Grier, born the same day as Suri, to lunch at the Ivy and Tom and Katie's baby has not been seen yet. What gives, Tom? Have you not yet purchased a black market baby to pass off as your own?

Speechless

2006-04-18T19:19:00.000-04:00

If you all of a sudden felt sick to your stomach and didn't know why, odds are that you aren't sick, you are just feeling the effects of the WORLD COMING TO AN END because Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes HAD THEIR BABY or should I say "HAD" THEIR "BABY" because it's AWFULLY convenient that all of us had been sitting there saying "Uh, she's been pregnant for like fourteen years" and FREAKING OUT over what a WACKADOO Tom Cruise is for "joking" about eating the baby's placenta and realizing that THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT, NONE OF IT and all of a sudden the baby is born? I DON'T THINK SO!

You can't fool me, Tom. You may be able to send me into a fit of hysteria so fierce that I keep typing in capital letters to best convey how shrieky I am over the world ending, but you can't fool me!

The couple "joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today," the actor's rep said in a statement after PEOPLE first broke the news. "The child weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 20 inches in length. Both mother and daughter are doing well."

Mmmmhmmm. If by "welcomed the arrival of a baby girl" you mean "finally put the pillow back in the closet [but not that kind of closet because none of those involved are homosexual in any way] and bought a baby on the black market like Bobbie did on General Hospital before she got involved in a long custody battle with Tiffany Hill and won even though she is nowhere near as awesome as Tiffany", then yes, that is exactly what happened, Tom Cruise's rep, and it's so CONVENIENT how you're all up on being PReriffic today, like, fourteen seconds after the "baby" was "born", but when Tom is yapping about EATING PLACENTA and scary intensely talking to Diane Sawyer about CUPCAKES, you are nowhere to be found.

I am almost positive that this news has made me develop a heart murmur.

Crazy, Crazy, Crazy

2006-04-14T08:37:00.000-04:00

To paraphrase the awesome Danielle on this cycle of America's Next Top Model: the sun rises, the sun sets, there's the Eiffel Tower and, somewhere, Tom Cruise is acting a fool.

I mean, on the one hand it's like "Well, duh", but on the other hand, you really have to marvel at just how insane this man really is and how little he lets his status as a famous person keep him from getting his crazy on in public. In about 99.8% of situations in the world, the fact that a woman was walking around with a fake-looking pregnancy belly would automatically make her the craziest part of an equation, but when the other part is Tom Cruise, let's just say Katie's latex belly is almost normal in comparison.

Please note that I didn't say "normal", because WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? The episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable had a dream that all the men got pregnant featured more natural looking stomachs than this

Freak City.

But in the great romance of Tom and Katie, that's barely in the top five of freakishness, because every single thing that Tom Cruise does is insane, ranging from crazy hobo standing outside of the grocery store insane to full-on Dr. Kimberly Shaw Mancini on Melrose Place blowing stuff up and having DID and performing lobotomies insane.

Luckily for the world at large, Tom has decided that there's nothing better than sharing with everybody the full extent of your mental defects, and with the publicity blitz for the upcoming Mission: Impossible: III, he's all over the place being a freak.

In the new issue of GQ, Tom goes overboard with the TMI:

I taught her how to ride a dirt bike in an hour and a half. She'd never done it before. She got her scuba license -- and the kids scuba dive so we all went down scuba diving in Mexico and swimming with the whales.

This sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie, where a devious husband gets his wife involved in EXTREME sports so that he can kill her and make it look like an accident.

"Oh, I -- I looked at her. And I went, 'You're gonna tell me if you're pregnant, aren't you?' It was a moment where ... It was one of those things," he (sort of) explains. "I just picked something up. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. 'Cuz I notice things in people."

Just so that we're all on the same page: psychology is bad; midget intuition, however, is the tops.

Sex, he says, "is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just ... free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks."

He's a virgin, isn't he?

"She loves cupcakes, okay? I mean, the girl loves cupcakes."

Um. I like Hostess Snoballs, but I don't think that's the main thing people bring up when they are discussing me.

"Yeah, she did the whole stick test; I think she just touched the box and they all turned blue."

...? I bet he overlaughed to make his point, whatever point that may be.

But it's like, 'Look, this is who I am,' and people who know me know I'm very safe about it. I'm not crazy ..."

So one person in the world believes that, I guess.

He continued to let his freak flag fly when he sat down to chat with Diane Sawyer.

"We were just talking about it last night," Cruise said. "She has this beautiful belly, this glowing woman….We were walking up to bed, and I just, I can't wait till we get married. I can't wait till I can call and say, 'Hey, you know, put my wife on the phone.'"

"Subtle", Tom.

"People really have come out of the woodwork and felt very open now about discussing their couch-jumping experiences, you know in their own lives when they've gone through it, and the different things that they did when they, you know, when they found that person that they really love, and knew they were going to share the rest of their life with,"

When he tries to make jokes about his insanity, it makes him look even more unhinged than it would if he divaishly refused to discuss it.

"She loves cupcakes…she loves to laugh."

Seriously, what the fuck? Again with the cupcakes. They must be code for something...but what? I know on The Golden Girls in the infamous Dorothy kisses Myles episode that cupcakes were used as a euphemism for sex, but in this instance, I think sex is the least likely candidate for what they are talking about. Perhaps they are talking about "old episodes of Another World on SoapNet" or "The Kansas City Royals", both things best talked about in code.

"Her smile drives me crazy in a good way. She has this thing that she does with her tongue when she smiles," he said. "When she's really laughing when her tongue sticks out. And so I've seen people that have photographed that, and it's the cutest thing"

Her smile drives me crazy in a bad way. He's right about the tongue thing, but I see it as less charming and more stroke victimish.

But …when we're riding motorcycles …I tell her look, please don't stick your tongue out. If we hit a bump or anything I get a little bit nervous."

That is such a grandpa thing to say.

And right then, during a break in the interview, and an aide walked up and handed Cruise a BlackBerry. He began messaging with Holmes who wrote, "love you, way to go, have a great interview!! No baby action yet."

Have you ever read something that horrifies you on such a level that you start to have a panic attack? Yes, that. "No baby action yet"? I...I'm sure she was trying to be cute, but that is the type of thing that Tom Cruise would say with no trace of irony, and I am once again terrified that they are bringing a baby into this world, because no matter how the baby was conceived or conjured up through Scientologist rituals, this child is going to be a grade-A goober, and that's just not fair to the helpless little thing.

Can he actually get crazier, I wonder? Because a few years ago, he was slightly crazy and has come out (NOT IN THAT WAY, PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, THANK YOU) as a psychotic freak. Can it get worse? Is he actually capable of being crazier? I guess we can only wait and see.

Damn Yankees!

2006-04-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

The only thing worse than working on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium is having a horrible work day on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, and the only thing worse than having a horrible work day on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium is listening to the Yankees struggle against the Kansas City Royals on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium.

It's just not...dignified. And more than that, it is a sign of things to come. I can just feel it. Remember how we always used to make fun of the Orioles because the Yankees hitters dominated them like they were taking batting practice, but then the Orioles were all of a sudden, like, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and started showing up for games and beating the Yankees? That's what this is like. Except worse, because I don't even think the Royals are making a conscious effort to beat the Yankees, they are just doing their usual ham-fisted thing and it's working in their favor.

As with any loss, I have gone through several stages

Confusion
What? Is there a bug screwing things up? Is it April Fool's Day? Am I awake? Am I in a parallel universe? Is right wrong and wrong right?

Dread
Dear God...this is real

Guilt
This is my fault. This is because I am listening to the game and not watching it and because I am wearing green and not blue. What have I done?!

Shame
I'm not going to be able to look a Red Sox fan in the face...

Anger

Fuck you, you douchebags! Your sorry asses get paid millions of dollars a year and you can't pitch to the Kansas City Effing Royals?

I have stalled at this stage. I am midly outraged and I blame it, as I do with all things in life from bad games to rising gas prices, on Alex Rodriguez and Jason Giambi. Sure, Jason Giambi has been responsible for most of the Yankee offense thus far this afternoon, but I really don't think that negates the fact that he is a doping sketchball and even greasier than he is sketchy. I have wasted too many minutes of my young life praying that the cameras don't do close ups of him removing his batting helmet because his hair is always glistening with a combination of sweat (which I guess is warranted in the warmer months) and hair gel (never warranted after 1993).

Even if he didn't look like you'd pick up three inches of grime if you touched hi and even if he didn't use steroids, I would still loathe Jason Giambi because he exemplifies everything that everybody in the world hates about the Yankees. His arrival in the Bronx pushed Tino Martinez out and effectively ruined a happy family that had won four World Series titles. He is a homewrecker of the highest order.

And A-Rod. Seriously? Just reading about him exhausts me. He reminds me, in a roundabout way making sense to nobody outside of my mind, of Jane on Melrose Place, in that he is the kind of simpering fool who's all, "I know you say you love me, but how much do you love me? Like, do you love me more than the mountains and the sky, or do you only love me as much as the sky? Do you love me now more than you did fourteen seconds ago? Why don't you love me Billy?!?!?!" And also, they have the same bad Sun-in shade of blonde hair, so I think that's more than enough to form this comparison.

OH! Oh, Derek Jeter just hit a go-ahead homerun. Glory Hallelujah. If they can make it through half an inning, I won't need to take painkillers.

(I realize that this is a very big if)

But, yes, A-Rod. I don't care how many MVP Awards he wins, or how many Bostonian children he saves from renegade trucks, or how poignantly he describes his need for therapy, I will still be able to smell his desperation and his all-consuming need for people to like him. You can practically see it; it's sparkly and shaky. It's not that I want him to be an asshole, because I don't like assholes either ('sup, Barry?), but I cannot physically stand to watch him speak, because you can actually see him wondering how people will react to whatever foolish thing he's going to say. Also, his lips are purple. What is with that? Is it lipstick? Is it a health problem? I want answers.

Okay, so the Yankees wound up winning which means I won't have to kill myself or deal with the embarrassment by joining the Witness Protection Program or something. I mean, it obviously is going to be an emotional rollercoaster of a season, but...I say bring it on.

Ew!

2006-03-30T16:24:00.000-05:00

I know I've been gone for, uh, a long time and I know how lame it is to just pop in to be a she-harpy and freak out about another couple that pairs a mentally ill female with an overcompensating uber-straight man but OH MY GOD, STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF.

What is going on here? If they were closer to the guardrail, I'd guess that he was going to push her off or something, because he looks so profoundly uncomfortable touching a person with a vagina. Why is she wearing a duster and a trucker hat? Why is his skin such a frightening color? Why has the world gone insane?

ENOUGH, Teri Hatcher. ENOUGH. We get it-you used to be a has-been and now you're famous again! Bwah! Isn't it funny how life works out? You go to every red carpet event in the world and laugh like a freaking mentally ill person at jokes that no one has made, and you angrily refute benign "gossip" items about you, and it made the entire world roll their eyes but this is just going too far. We can smell your desperation. Staging an elaborate fake PDA with RYAN EFFING SEACREST is probably the most ridiculous (and icky) thing I have ever seen in my life, aside from Katie Holmes and her constantly changing stomach shape.

This is wrong. SICK and WRONG. Innocent people might be in line at the supermarket patiently waiting to buy food for their kitten and they will be assaulted by these US Weekly photos and die on the spot, leaving the poor little kitty HUNGRY at home, so that makes you guilty of KITTEN MURDER, Teri and Ryan. I hope you sick freaks are happy.

Oscar Night The Gadfly Way

2006-03-05T19:58:00.000-05:00

11:31---I am going to try to think happy thoughts. Let's look at the night's fashions!

Best Dressed

Reese!
So pretty!

Keira Knightley.
She looked quite nearly flawless.

Salma Hayek.
Unreal. Spectacular. Gorgeous. Etc.

The Clooney.
Perfection.

Worst Dressed

Amy Adams
Who? Also, ew.

Naomi Watts
Wrong In Every Way

Charlize Theron
Utterly tragic
****

All in all, I thought the awards were right, except for the glaring horror that was Best Picture. But Clooney and Reese won, so I suppose I should be grateful.

11:30---No, really, the fact that Crash spawned that pathetic original song number with the hugging and the fire and the zombies should have taken it out of the running.

11:28---Still speechless, but thank you for the marvy hosting job, Jon!!!

11:26---No, seriously, what the fuck? I'm angry all the time AND NOW I KNOW WHY.

11:23---WHAT THE FUCK? I am speechless. This is seriously unbelievable.

11:21---Ewwwwwwwww, why is Jack Nicholson presenting Best Picture? VOM! He's so gross.

11:19---Ang Lee! Oh, hurrah! Sanity is restored! "I wish I know how to quit you". Okay, aside from that, his speech is seriously adorable, what with the thanking Ennis and Jack and all. Yay for Ang Lee!

11:18---I am seriously going to need to turn to drugs to make it through the work day tomorrow. So tired! Here is Tom Hanks and his skeevy hair to present the award for Best Director. The Oscar goes to...

11:15---I don't know anyone who actually liked Crash.

11:12---Uma Thurman's makeup is not looking so hot. She's here to present Best Original Screenplay to... (Go Clooney! Go Clooney!)...Crash. Um, ew.

11:09---And Adapted goes to Brokeback! Yay! Her dress is very...low cut.

11:07---Housewives joke! Dustin Hoffman is here for the screenplay awards. I have such a soft spot for this man and I am not sure why.

11:00---Aaaand the Oscar goes to.....REESE! EEEEE! EEEEEE!!! I looooove her. She's sooooo pretty and so cute. The camera is all up on Ryan waiting for her to forget him, but awww! Her speech is darling. She is the best.

10:57---OMG Best Actress. Jamie Foxx looks nice. OMG! Nervous! Suck it, Dench.

10:54---"They ate the third tromboneist". Heh. Ewwww, John Travolta, ewwww. Why was he invited? I really don't like this world. Cinematography goes to...Memoirs of a Geisha. Whatevs.

10:51---I would just like to state for the record that if Reese Witherspoon loses, I will be heartbroken. Reese 4evah!

10:49---WHY THE FUCK IS JOHN TRAVOLTA HERE? HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?

10:47---Aaaand the Oscar goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman, as expected. Pigford knows he didn't have a shot and is just smiling. His speech is pretty cute; I love shoutouts to mommas! Hee, Janelle says, "If I wanted to see a tubby man get all flustered i'd watch i dunno i'd go down to the bus station or some shit" Ha! Not excruciatingly bad.

10:44---Hilary Swank looks STUNNING and is here to present Best Actor. OMG! Exciting. I sort of want a David Straithairn upset. Something about that man fascinates me. Who will win?!?!?!

10:42---A very sparkly Ziyi Zhang presents Crash with Best Film Editing. Huh. Happy Birthday, Winner's Dad!

10:40---Jon dances! But don't you think Marty Scorcese cries every night without you reminding him of his pathetic, Oscarless life?

10:37---Why is there someone out there who is not over Will Smith? Best Foreign Language film. I have not seen any of these films, but I like the man who won. Charming!

10:31---Who will win? They give it up for Pat Morita. Nothing for Joel Hirschorn, ouch. Lukewarm applause for Barbara Bel Geddes. Big applause for Shelley Winters. Huge applause for Anne Bancroft. Surprisingly meh reception for Richard Pryor. Bancroft emerges victorious!

10:30--CLOOOOOOOOONEY! He tells them to sit down. OMG! DEATH MONTAGE! He got the best gig ever! Oscar + Death Parade = Best night evah!

10:29---King Kong wins. You could seriously not pay me enough to sit through that movie. People have tried to get me to change my mind, but no. No way.

10:26---Sound editing. Faux commercial! Woo! "Paid for by Wylie Stateman's mother". Love! Jennifer Garner is here to present. She almost falls! OMG! She looks so gorgeous, though

10:25---Oh, Jon! Interpetive dance shoutout!

10: 24---I actually just had a seizure. That was so fabulous and bizarre and I feel like I just got high.

10:23---SHUT THE FUCK UP OMGOMGOMG "It's Hard Out There For A Pimp" wins OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

10:22---That was seventeen shades of fab. Latifah is out to present the award for Best Original Song. My mother saw the Queen when she went to a taping of Emeril (please don't judge her) and said she's more than gorgeous. I luffs her. If Dolly doesn't win, I will be soooo pissed.

10:19---Luuuuuuda introduces Three Six Mafia. It's crunktastic! The only thing that could make this better is reaction shots.

10:15---I didn't know it was possible to be as in love with oneself as M. Night Shyamalan is.

10:10---I love when awesome people get standing ovations. He is seriously amazing! I sound like such a gushing fangirl, but that's how brill he is. Awww, he thanked his wife so sweetly! Okay, that last bit made me start crying.

10:06---Clippy clippy clip. I seriously love this man. All of these movies are so fantastic.

10:03---And Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep (<33333) are here to present an award for...um, this banter is strange. Meryl's laughter is full of self-loathing. This is hurting me. Michelle Williams can't hide her confusion, but Jen Aniston is in the background laughing (SUCK IT, JOLIE!). I do so love Robert Altman, so I am glad that he gets an honorary Oscar. I also hope that his speech is short. Overlapping dialogue is the love.

10:00---Eric Bana is too sexy for his own good. I have the vapors! Far too sexy to be presenting Best Sound Mixing.

9:56---Jake Gyllenhaal is so damn goofy looking. I don't know what this montage is actually for, but since it showcased West Side Story, I'm game!

9:55---I am taking this attempt at spicing up the ceremony as a personal shoutout

9:53---It's that time of the ceremony when I start to get really tired and bored and irritable and pray for a snowstorm so I don't have to go to work in the morning. Something exciting needs to happen. I am thinking perhaps of a bloody battle to the death, or maybe a streaker or Steve Carell performing standup. Or Steve Carell performing standup while beating up Russell Crowe.

9:49---Another Oscar for Brokeback Mountain. The score really was pretty.

9:45---Itzahk Perlman plays the nominees for Best Score. The only word I can think of is "how quaint", so that will have to do.

9:43---Damn Salma Hayek to hell for being 39 and looking like that.

9:42---STATE OF THE HEART? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. How can he mention Gregory Peck (My first husband) in the same sentence as that crap?

9:40---I love gratuitous Susan Sarandon jokes. Here's the president of the Academy! Woo! Blah blah speech, blah blah anti-piracy, blah blah blah.

9:36---Samuel L. Jackson, what what! A social change montage. I am on board, if only for the glimpse of my first husband Gregory Peck.

9:32---Why did Sandra Bullock marry Jesse James and not Keanu Reeves?

9:26---What the HELL is going on in the background? What is this? The world has failed me. My stomach hurts. I seriously have no words. This is the biggest WTF moment of the day. I am so confused. It's just---why? What? Why? How deliciously...subtle.

9:23---I still don't know why Jennifer Lopez is here, talking about Crash. Is it because she is Latina? She looks so gold. Oh, ugh, a song. I want more Dolly, goddamnit.

9:20---Why does a woman as gorgeous as Charlize wear such odd gowns to the Oscars? What is the bow? Her hair looks fab, though. I really like her. And March of the Penguins wins. That works! I quite liked it, even though I usually don't like documentaries about nature.

9:18---Here's Pigford, with the award for Documentary Short Subject. I think I am going to go brush my teeth.

9:16---A Colbert voiceover! OMG! Flecked with god-dust! I just died! "Seriously, I have nothing else". I just guffawed for the first time in my life. That was so amazing.

9:14---Violent montage! Me likey.

9:12---Uh, has she been drinking?

9:11---Lauren Bacall! Remember her bitchface when she lost the Oscar to Juliette Binoche? Let's bask in the glow of that warm and beautiful memory...

9:05---Aaaaand, the Oscar goes to: Rachel Weisz! Eeeeee! They all knew it, and she so deserved it. I would have liked Michelle to win as well, if only for the internal pain it would cause James Van Der Beek. But Rachel! Squeal! And her speech was cute.

9:02---I seriously love Morgan Freeman so much. He is just the best. Ever. And now Best Supporting Actress. Amy Adams irks me in the worst possible way and I have no real reason for it. Plus, her dress tonight is uuuugly. Catherine Keener is so great, but I am extremely meh on her nomination for Capote. Frances McDormand also elicits a huge meh. Rachel Weisz=too pretty for words. And, awww, Michelle Williams. From Capeside to the Oscars!

9:01---Rachael McAdams is soooooooo pretty.

9:00---Russell Crowe joke! Watch your back, Jon!

8:59---Love. Them.

8:51---I hate Russell Crowe so much and don't know what his surly ass is doing here. What montage is this? I am so confused and afraid that he's going to punch someone...Okay, tiny clips and the slightest mention of Lou Gehrig make me cry. But oooh! Ferrell and Carell coming up! Eeee!

8:49---And the Costume Oscar goes to Memoirs of a Geisha. The costumes seem to be the only positive thing about this movie.

8:48---Ms. Aniston. While the black dress is expected, she funked it up a little with the necklace. I mean, it's not a real risk, but for Jen? Totally risky! She looks cute. SUCK IT, JOLIE!

8:44---I always feel such shame and discomfit when humans are forced to interact with animated creatures. The winner, who I don't know, is wearing a lovely dress.

8:42---Wilson action up in here. This is shaking up to be the best night ever. Luke looks...bloated. Live Action Short. Whatevs.

8:41---HA! A Scientology joke! Jon and I are meant to be!

8:40---Even commercials for Munich make me nervous. Brill movie, though. Go see it!

8:34---I LOVE YOU DOLLY PARTON!

8:34---Did Santino design Naomi's dress? Hideosity! J. Lo looks surprisingly pleased with Naomi. Marc looks dead.

8:33---This award literally means nothing to me. Nice bowties, though.

8:30---I have no idea what that award was for. I was cringing too hard and blocked it out. I seriously LOVE Reese Witherspoon, I want to be best friends with her. That makes me sound unhinged and creepy, but it's the truth!

8:26---I might be reading too much into things, but I always sense a deep undercurrent of intense anger in Ben Stiller. Perhaps the Friends episode tainted me. This sort of hurts me a little. Oh, snap, Spielberg totally said he wasn't funny! Ben Stiller is going to go backstage and cut someone.

8:24---Tom Hanks' Da Vinci Code hair will never not skeeve me out. But he's amusing...ish.

8:18---Aaaaaand, the Oscar goes to: CLOONEY! Eeeeee! Eeeeee! I just did a happy dance in my room! And I am not ashamed! Looooove him. Oh, he could charm the pants off of Sisty Mary Holy Water, I swear. This speech is so phenomenal, he is such a good speaker, and he looks handsome, and awww! Squeal! General merriment!

8:15---Nicole Kidman, looking ghostly, is here to present the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. I won't be devastated if Clooney loses, but the world will be a much better place if he has an Oscar. Matt Dillon is such a skeezer. I have no facts to back this up, but I just know it's true.

8:14---This Western montage is basically gold. I am overdosing on the awesome.

8:11---Jon Stewart is killing. Nowhere near as many awkard pauses as Chris Rock last year. Yikes! Bad memories. Did I just jinx him? Okay, I love him. Lovelovelove him.

8:10---Is Charlize's dress eating her?

8:05--- Poor Felicity Huffman, destined to a life of Hilary Swank like "Woman or man?" jokes. Death To Smoochy joke! Ooooh, Angelina joke! SUCK ON IT JOLIE! Clooney is so damn charismatic, even just sitting in the audience, the bastard. Speilberg looks nervous of what Jon is going to say to him. I can't believe Jon is hosting the Oscars the same weekend that Doogal was released. Cheney joke! Woooo!

8:02--Already a Brokeback joke? I love David Letterman. Does Mel Gibson actually have a sense of humor? I am unsettled...hee! Clooney! I mean, it doesn't take much to make me laugh, but...hee!!! Brill!

8:00---OMG, it's starting. Gooooo Jon Stewart! It's weird how nervous I am for him, considering that I don't know him...

Blogging the Oscar Pre-Show

2006-03-05T18:36:00.000-05:00

I promised y'all I'd be live-blogging the Oscars and where better to start than E!

Thank you to my unofficial sponsors, Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke and M&Ms!

Running Tally: Who Wants To Kill Isaac Mizrahi
7:21

William Hurt
7:14

Jessica Alba. Did you see the look of horror on her face when he called her over?
6:55

Steve Carell. I can just tell. I have a strange, subconscious obsession with Steve Carell. I am slightly ashamed.

6:40 pm

George Clooney

Eric Bana

Running Tally: Who Wants To Kill Ryan Seacrest
7:14

Jessica Alba. She was so skeeved to hear he was drooling over her. She should take solace in the fact that said drooling probably never happened in real life
6:44 pm

Keira Knightley. You just know she was repulsed
6:42 pm

Me. Is he kidding me with "Michelle has lost a lot of weight"? She just had a baby, you deep-fried frog!

Running Tally: Random Annoyances
7:56

Really, if I went to California with a gun and got a clear shot at Billy Bush, would one of the lawyers in the audience defend me?
7:41

I actually hate Teri Hatcher more than Eva Longoria. Who would have thought that possible? What a nutbar that woman is.
7:40

How the hell is Cynthia Effing Garrett worthy of a spot on the red carpet and I'm not?
7:36

Seriously, how has no one put out a hit on Billy Bush yet?
7:32

Jennifer Aniston wearing black. Didn't see that one coming...her hair looks pretty, though. TEAMANISTON4LIFE!
7:25

Nicole Kidman's blonde hair is horrendous. A crime against humanity
7:22

How is it possible for a human being to be as beautiful as Salma Hayek?
7:16

Eva Longoria. Sure, that came out of nowhere, but it needs to be repeated hourly.
7:10

Terence Howard = Eva Pigford. For that reason alone, I cannot endorse his Oscar nomination. I just keep picturing Pigford playing a pimp and I get scared and have ANTM Cycle 3 related night terrors.
7:02

Tim Burton and HBC: Allergic to soap? Discuss
7:00

Did I just glimpse Steven Cojocaru? It is official, there is no god.

Paul Giamatti "I brushed my teeth". Did you really, Paul?
6:52

Why Will Smith? Why? He's all up on Will Ferrell, trying to steal his funny. PAWS OFF, SMITH!

Wrap Up

2006-02-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

The Winter Olympics, also known as the reason I have been so neglectful about writing, are coming to an end today. I will not be watching the closing ceremony, as it always makes me cry and this year it involves Avril Lavigne, and that would send me into a coma.

So let's take a look back at the 2006 Olympics and remember that I will be back with non-Olympic talk soon with subjects including but not limited to: Law & Order: SVU, Project Runway, Tom and Katie (of course) and the Oscars. Woo!

THE GOOD

Ted Ligety

I love this guy. I love that he came out of nowhere to win the gold in the men's combined and I love how deliriously happy he was for, like, the entire week. I also love the fact that the US motivational coach screamed "TED LIGETY! DO IT FOR YOUR MOM!" as he went down the hill. I think it's just the name Ligety that makes me smile.

Figure Skating

Yeah, Sasha Cohen choked in the free skate. We all expected that. Actually, no, I didn't, I was foolish enough to think that this would be the time that she'd skate two clean performances in a row. But I was so surprised that she came back from her two falls and skated an amazing performance. Not as amazing as her short program, which was brill, but still fantastic. If she couldn't win the gold, I am pleased as punch that Arakawa did because (1)her free skate was fantastic (2)she was pretty.

Kiira Korpi's Musical Choices
The heffa skated to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and didn't get a medal for her trouble. Yes, she's not a very good skater, but come on! Perhaps she should have used a Lionel bust as a prop and would have won...?

Apolo Ohno Salvages His Reputation

For most of the Olympics, Apolo Ohno (or Apolo Anton Ohno, as he is called, but I don't know when that began or why he needs the middle name. Is it to differentiate himself from the myriad Apolo Ohnos running around?) was referred to by the press as a colossal flop because he only won a bronze in his first race

Apolo Ohno, just another lousy sequel.

That's a...healthy outlook. They made it seem as though the guy eats infants for breakfast and routinely tells kids that there is no Santa Claus. I'm not the biggest fan of his on earth, mostly because that soul patch hurts my feelings, but I was very happy that he won a gold and another (lowly) bronze medal. Suck on it, haters!

The US Men's Curling Team

The "Curl Girls" were overrated and annoying (Cassie Johnson doesn't so much speak as she does squeak), but the men won a bronze! Eeee! And they had a streaker at their match! That's a sign of your sport truly arriving. And so I bid the endless hours of curling coverage adieu, just when I was beginning to understand it.

JOEY CHEEK FOR PRESIDENT

I am hard pressed to name another human being as wonderful as Joey Cheek. From general adorability to donating his two bonuses to charity and leading others to follow suit, resulting in $300,000 worth of donations, and being chosen to carry the American flag at the closing ceremony, Cheek has just been delightful over the past two weeks: happy to be there, talented and kind. We need more people like him!

THE BAD

B 0-0-0-0-0de Miller

I blatantly cribbed that from NBC, because it is all too fitting. The man sucked. To the extent that I felt really bad for him and worried that he might actually have a mental illness of some kind. But he kindly reminded me of why I hated him in the first place, aside from his dickish attitude and nonstop "Are you a Bodeist?" commercials (What the hell does that even mean?):

"I just did it my way. I'm not a martyr, and I'm not a do-gooder. I just want to go out and rock. And man, I rocked here"

"Me, it's been an awesome two weeks," Miller said. "I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level."

I wonder if the reporter said, "Uh...you're a douchebag" at any point during this interview, because I would be hard pressed not to. Maybe that's why I am not a reporter. It is just infuriating. Why be at the Olympics if you aren't going to compete? Is it just because you wanted to swindle Nike out of money? Did you take pleasure in taking someone's spot on the team? Did you want to ruin the reputation of the American ski team single handedly? Because if so, yeah, you rocked.

ALSO, if you want to be fast and awesome, maybe you should, I don't know, get in shape? There was a point in time when he was aesthetically pleasing, but that ship has sailed. Because the bloated look is not cute.

I don't want to wish physical harm on a person, so I will settle for saying that I hope someone vomits on him.

Giorgio Rocca Broke My Heart

When Giorgio Rocca, AKA my Italian Skiing Boyfriend, announced that he'd ignore all other races in favor of focusing on the slalom, I was skeptical, since he is a headcase and I was sure that he'd psych himself out. But then I came around to the idea and said it was better if he rested.

LESSON: Always trust your first instincts. The man crashed in thirty seconds. He is never going to leave his therapist's couch now! I can only imagine what conversation he and Alberto Tomba are having and if Tomba is grossed out that he crashed because he crossed his skis. Like, "Ewww! Get away from me with your inferior cooties!"

Lindsay Jacobellis Is A Communist

DID YOU KNOW...that Lindsay Jacobellis tore up a picture of the American flag and screamed "Fight the real enemy!"? She must have. That's the only logical explanation for the way she has quickly become shorthand for "national disgrace".

Yes, she showed off at the end of her race and that's why she lost the gold medal. Yes, that was basically the dumbest thing she could possibly do. Yes, she deserves to be made fun of. But, seriously, the coverage became too much. When we have a president who wants to sell our ports and a drunken vice president who shot someone, losing a gold medal due to your idiocy isn't exactly in the top five of worst things going on in the world, you know what I mean?

I do still laugh at those final seconds of her race, because I am a mean and awful person underneath it all. Hee! She wiped out!

THE UGLY

Ice Dancing: The World Where Taste Goes To Die

Aside from Ben Agosto and my new BFF Tanith Belbin, ice dancing was a crime against humanity. The worst offenders, of course, were Babara Fusar-Poli/Maurizio Margaglio and Elena Grushina/Ruslan Goncharov.

The lasting memory of Fusar-Poli and Margaglio's ill-fated trip out of retirement will, rightly, be the fact that she stared him down for a full 40 seconds after he fell and ruined their routine, which led to hours of them not speaking and culminated in his sobbing backstage while she drank water. They eventually kissed and made up, but that ending to the story is not outlandish enough for my liking. Screw happy endings!

Also outlandish? Their outfits. I...ew. From her bad dye job to whatever color scheme that was, the whole thing was ick. I mean, come on! If Roberto Cavalli could dress Carolina Kostner, he could have dressed you! And yes, the snowflakes on her costume looked like spiders, but that was worlds better than your costumes.

Grushina just looked like a skeezer.

Pasties and tassels?! OMG!

Speed Skating: Days Of Our Skates

Newflash, Chad Hedrick and Shani Davis: you're annoying.

As much as I want to be on Shani's side, his whining is growing old. But I have to grudgingly take his side because (1)Apolo Ohno and Joey Cheek both like him and I trust them and (2)The Dutch hate Chad Hedrick. For serious!

The show began when Shani Davis' mother, accompanied by an entourage that included members of the Dutch curling team, appeared in a bright orange cap and coat, both of which were emblazoned with "Holland."

"I tried, Mom," Davis said after finishing second in the Olympic 1,500-meter speedskating race. "I wasn't strong enough."

"You beat Chad, and that's all that matters," one of the Dutchmen said, speaking of bronze medalist Chad Hedrick, who apparently is Dr. Evil in the Netherlands.

It devolved from there, with some of those same Dutch curlers Cherie Davis had met only a few days earlier getting kicked out of a postrace news conference, with American rivals Hedrick and Shani Davis exchanging unpleasantries and with Shani Davis walking out of the news conference before it ended.

Greatest thing ever!

Hedrick also loses points for his scary, Hilary Duff teeth; multiple exclamations of feeling "betrayed"; his family telling Laura Bush that they are Bush people; trotting around the memory of his dead grandmother for sympathy; the eyebrows.

I really hope that, in a week or so, he realizes that he eclipsed an amazing Olympic performance (3 medals!) by being a complete and utter dickhead. Because that's what I am going to remember, not the fact that he did really well. Loser!

*****

Olympics, Wooooo!

2006-02-19T01:33:00.000-05:00

Few things in life make me geek out more amazingly and embarrassingly than the Winter Olympics, as I have alluded to recently. I don't know what their hold on me is, but I think it has something to do with being young when Kristi Yamaguchi won the gold medal in 1992 and then, of course, the Tonya and Nancy drama in 1994. Good times! I infinitely prefer them to the Summer Games, which I find boring. I don't want to watch people run and gymnastics upsets me, due to lingering shame and trauma from always being too gangly to do a proper forward roll. Plus, in the Winter Olympics, there's a chance that someone could break their neck! Violence = fun.

For those of you who are similarly enchanted with the Winter Olympics, please read on to hear my thoughts. If you are so over them, well, it's either write about this or the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape and HELL NO. Sorry. I--I can't even--no. It's not happening. I'm sorry. You might be bored, but your soul will thank me.

I am going to go in the alphabetical order, the BFF of OCD Folks all over the world!

ALPINE SKIING

I don't ski, but watching skiing is one of my favorite things ever. I don't know why, except that it is fast and vaguely dangerous.

My favorite skiier of these games is Giorgio Rocca, mostly because he is Italian and pretty. He seems like a bit of a headcase, what with needing intense therapy to deal with the pressure of being labeled the next Alberto Tomba. Hypnosis was involved. That is whack. But still, I like him!

I do not like Bode Miller, as I have mentioned to the entire world. He's a tool. Yes, it's very cool that he is a rebel who was homeschooled and who grew up without indoor plumbing and electricity. I'm down with that lifestyle for other people, as an avid fan of the Little House books. And being outspoken can be sort of cool, you know? And I had to appreciate how he went after Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong for using performance enhancing drugs. But seriously, he's such an arrogant jackass. He's too cool for the Olympics, he's too cool for the world in general, he's too cool to be sober.

I realize that the above is a very vague explanation of what I speak of as an intense dislike, but I think that is because my feelings are being clouded by...pity. You'd think that watching an overexposed athlete flame out SPECTACULARLY in front of the entire world would fill me with glee. And yet...I feel sort of bad for him. Because as much as he's all, "Fuck the Olympics, I don't care" and all that, it must suck to not finish 2 of your first three races when the entire world is waiting for you to justify your hype. I was also impressed with the fact that he didn't eat snow after hitting the gate in the Super G yesterday.

That is acrobatic like whoa.

He just seems very depressed and I have a hard time hating on people who are obviously unhappy. Could it be that I am actually becoming a good person? The prospect is alarming.

CURLING

I am ashamed to admit this, but in the interest of full disclosure: I am obsessed with curling. I find it so interesting and entertaining and fascinating. Perhaps I am being forced to find it interesting since it is on whenever I turn the TV on? Or perhaps I just truly enjoy it, even if it is like watching something foreign. My younger brother referred to it as the sport that "uses broomsticks and teapots" which sounds weird until you see the match in action and realize that it's true. After a week of watching it, I still don't have a grasp on the rules or the goals of this sport and I am not exactly sure how it is an Olympic event, but I love it! I also love the accent of one of the commentators, that reminds me of Fargo. Let it never be said that I am not easily amused.

FIGURE SKATING

Also known in some circles as the best thing ever. I am shamelessly in love with figure skating, and I don't care if that's cliche. At the very least, isn't it fun to criticize what the skaters are wearing?

That's an effortless segue into discussing the existence of Johnny Weir. Apparently, he's flamboyant. How do I know this? Oh, just because every article about him ever refers to him that way. And because, you know, he named his glove Camille.

Sometimes you just have to take a moment and reread sentences like that to fully appreciate their beauty. Actually, his interviews are basically nonstop sentences of wonderfulness. I have to love a guy who talks about Care Bears.

You also have to love a guy who wears pants that can only be described as pornographic, like Emanuel Sandhu.

In the related topic of Fashion Atrocities, can we discuss Barbara Fusar-Poli's self-tanning incident?

I didn't think your skin was supposed to match your costume.

I am also puzzled by Ben Agosto's decision to dress like a waiter while Tanith Belbin looks...um. I can't think of an inoffensive way to describe her costume. What is that?

I feel dirty looking at it!

And eeeee! The ladies figure skating starts on Tuesday and I could nearly die of excitement. The skating order has been announced and I can't wait. I really hope that Sasha Cohen doesn't let her nerves get to her (again) and does well, because I think she is just wonderful. She's a fantastic skater and has a nasally voice, and I identify with that, so naturally, I love her. I'd love her even more if she wore the costume Santino designed for her on Project Runway in public!

SPEED SKATING

If you had asked me before the start of the Olympics which sport would have the most potential for a catfight, I would have said figure skating, obvs. But no, it turns out to be speed skating, in which the media has pitted Shani Davis against Chad Hedrick, who they pinned as the Golden Boy who was going to beat Eric Heiden's Lake Placid record which, no. Like, way to set the guy up for failure, yo. Anyhoo, Shani Davis elected not to participate in the team pursuit, which meant that Chad Hedrick wouldn't win the Gold there and it turned into an all out brawl. Well, except for the fact that Shani Davis never made any comments and it was just Chad Hedrick running his fool mouth off for the next few days until they were in the same race together yesterday and Davis won, making him the first African American to win a gold medal in the Winter Olympics. Cool, huh?

Not to Chad!

"Once Shani beat me, I didn't care if I got a bronze,'' he said. "I'm here to win. It's all or nothing.''...Shani skated fast today, that's about all I have to say about that."

And [Hedrick’s] the man who, after the race was done and he hadn’t medaled at all, answered a question about what he thought of Davis’ performance by saying: “I’m happy for Joey,” referring to silver medalist Joey Cheeks, who had previously won the 500-meter event.

Meow! That's a big talk coming from a man with drag queen eyebrows!

Every soap opera has a good character in between the divas, and speedskating has Joey Cheek, who is just adorable and has donated all of his winnings to charity. Awwww! He's totally the Marlena of this story. Did I really just namedrop Dr. Marlena Evans? I have reached a new low...

Make It Work

2006-02-15T21:05:00.000-05:00

Where have I gotten off to? The last sentence of my last entry was slightly violent and ominous, but since Kanye and John Legend both won (do check out Sean's take on all things Grammy if you missed or would like to relive the show) , I wasn't off killing people to avenge their honor. I was just doing it for fun.

In the days since I was last able to coherently write a sentence, I have been doing much of the following:

Crying buckets over Nick Verreos getting the auf wiedersehen on Project Runway. You were robbed, Nick. I still can't get over Santino's jumpsuit. An unfinished, unflattering jumpsuit with random crap glued to it. That jumpsuit (seriously, what year is it...?) will haunt my dreams for years to come

Shaking my head and wondering what the point of the creepy Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover was. There is a time and place for balding pansexuals, but the cover of a major magazine's Hollywood issue is not that time or that place. And why does Scarlett look so Annette Beningish? Ew!

Obsessing over the Winter Olympics as I do every four years. It's a sickness I have. But what other venue brings us a figure skater who names his costume Camille and blames her for bad performances?! Stay gold, Johnny Weir!

Olympic Related: sending multiple Valentines to Giorgio Rocca; taking his silence as a hint that he is playing hard to get

Olympic related: hating Bode Miller intensely, getting irritated with the constant media coverage of him, laughing when he got disqualified

Brutally discussing the ANTM Cycle 6 girls. Without getting too much into it, I wonder if Brooke is going to battle Michelle for the title of Worst Contestant Ever. And also, I wonder if it will be revealed that Kari was frozen in time during a spring break 1994 mishap. And seriously, how the hell is Kathy trying to pass for 20 years old? Haggard does not begin to describe. Uh, is it March 8th yet? Because I can't even wait for this. How does Tyra find these people?!

And so on. The thing that made me go into shock and then hysteria was the momentary thought that Tom and Katie had broken up. Life and Style reported that the unholy union was over. I was shocked, because I pictured the big breakup featuring choreographed dance numbers, but then I realized that it could not be true.

1. Life and Style is a bootleg US Weekly read that sentence several times until the gravity of the statement sinks in.

2. If they did break up, it would be an exclusive story granted to People or Oprah, who would wear a special weave to commemorate the event

3. As crazy as Tom Cruise is, and needless to say that is VERY, he's calculated and image conscious as anything and has to know that breaking up with a pregnant woman would garner even more press than impregnating said woman did. I mean, just look at the Mary Louise Parker/Billy Crudup/Claire Danes thing. Nobody knows who any of these people are and yet they hate Billy Crudup. Which I do too, don't get me wrong, because Claire Danes? No. When will the world stop letting her coast on My So-Called Life goodwill? The show ran for, like, twelve episodes a million years ago, let's move on. And also, if he broke up with Katie, he'd be in the same league as Kevin Federline, which says it all. Especially if he were to take up with a popstar. I smell Tom and Liza Minelli fanfiction!!!

But of course, it turned out that my instincts were right and the story was most emphatically false. The story was officially denied within thirteen seconds. Oh, Tom! I knew I could count on you!

What I didn't expect was to read about Tom extending his creepiness towards Kanye West.

Tom Cruise persuaded rapper Kanye West to change his mind about creating a new theme for Mission: Impossible III by paying him a visit. The movie star was adamant West should be involved in the soundtrack and when the rap star announced he was too busy to play around with the classic theme, Cruise refused to take no for an answer. Cruise tells MTV News, "I'm a big fan of his work and we said, 'What's Kanye doing?' - 'He's busy, busy, busy.' So... I went by and he's got two songs that he wrote that are just unbelievable - he did a version of 'Mission: Impossible' and an original... It is 'Wow' When you see an artist that you just respect and he's so talented. I was like, 'Man, I'd love to see what he's gonna do with this.'You've got to hear what he did with it. It's Kanye West and it's really extraordinary. I looked at him and said, 'Man, you killed it.'

Kids, let this be a lesson to you: don't have a big ego and/or wear ugly sweaters because if you do, a sociopathic midget will stalk you and force you to do his bidding.

In other news, Bruce Willis has tried to give Oprah the smackdown. In this battle of evil versus...um, Oprah, who wins? More importantly, is there even anyone to root for? I keep having a strange back and forth in my head about it, like, yes, Oprah handled the entire drama poorly and yes, her That Girl weave was heinous, but come ON, why does the man who willingly starred in North and who dated Brooke Burns feel that he is in the position to comment on anything ever? Not to mention that the fact that this fool's story is STILL getting play is infuriating to me because the man lied about a book and yes, that was wrong, but we have a President who lied about a WAR and Oprah's not all up in his face with Marlo Thomas hair yelling at him, and the same random people who have never opened a book yet still start coversations with "So that Million Little Pieces book was fake, huh?" as if ANYBODY BELIEVED A WORD OF IT, are turning a blind eye to the fact that we just participated in a fake war and nothing is made of it and I AM SO CONFUSED.

I think I need to take up yoga or something. For now, I will hope that Kara is rightfully eliminated from Runway tonight (Goooooooo Daniel Vosohottie and Chloe!) and soothe my nerves with a fantastic and refreshing Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke.

STOP: GRAMMY TIME

2006-02-07T21:24:00.000-05:00

It's everybody's favorite time of the year again. The time when you try to remember what differentiates Record of the Year from Song of the Year, the time when you stock up on No-Doz to help prepare for the hour long performance by an elderly singer, the time when you marvel at U2 for being nominated 748 years in a row for the same album. That's right: Grammy Time!

The Grammys are the red-headed stepchild of awards shows. In a world where Oscar is King, SAG is highbrow, and the Golden Globes come with booze, the Grammys just can't compare. Any award show that contains vast amounts of Fergie and Usher and doesn't even have the common decency to give people in the audience a flask of liquor and/or a barf bag is just not right.

That said, I am intrigued in spite of myself--well, I say that as though I have standards of any kind and did not stay up too late last night watching General Hospital and The Young and the Restless--by the race for Record of the Year, which features the Gorillaz, a rapper with a Jesus complex, a woman who thinks she's Hello Kitty, a drag queen and a band that made whining cool again. Fun! Let's look a bit deeper, shall we?

[Aside: a commercial for the Grammys just proclaimed that Kanye West and Jamie Foxx performing together is a "once in a lifetime" event. The hell? Do they not remember "Slow Jamz"? If I have to remember it, they should too!]

MARIAH CAREY We Belong Together

There are times that I don't believe Mariah Carey is for real, just because it worries me that someone who believes so strongly in unicorns and glittery rainbows is allowed to roam free, since she could harm herself and others. But there she is, with the mental capability of a twelve year old who plays MASH in order to find out who she will marry, who decorates her locker with pictures of Hello Kitty and Strawberry Shortcake and who dots her i's with hearts. She is completely and utterly detached from reality, in a way that I both disdain and envy. From frolicking in the water (I know the word frolic is used quite often, but there is no word to describe it except for maybe prance) to having someone hold her drink for her, Mariah aka Mimi aka Princess Sparkle McBonBon Flutterton is operating in a world of her own.

Which would be fine if she didn't keep making new music in my world. In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Daydream was the first CD I owned and that many hours were spent singing along to "Open Arms" and "Forever" into a brush in front of a mirror. I'm not proud. Old School Mariah (identified by her singular wind machine and multiple layers of clothing) was cool. When I turned 15ish, I grew out of my Mariah Carey phase, as I had finally grown older than her (and, fine, it coincided with when she started dating Derek Jeter and the snide comments she made about him being dim only exacerbated my animosity).

Then she went all spazzy and carried around nineteen wind machines and wore an entire horse farm on her head and Glitter and now she's back with the biggest album of her career and she's all legitimate and shit, and I'm sorry, but what she does on this album is not singing and also, why is it called The Emancipation of Mimi, because I was under the impression that Mimi Caterpillar had already been emancipated via metamorphosis in the Butterfly album, but I digress. Anyhoo, "We Belong Together" is notable only for the video starring Wentworth Miller. The vocals are sort of whispery and willowy and the lyrics, well...

When you left/I lost a part of me/It's still so hard to believe/Come back baby please, 'cause/We belong together/Who else am I gonna lean on/When times get rough/Who's gonna talk to me on the phone/Till the sun comes up/Who's gonna take your place/There ain't nobody better/Oh baby, baby, We belong together

I swear, that is cribbed directly from a sixth grade girl's note to her boyfriend (does it count as being a boyfriend if all you do is walk to the bus together?)

Verdict: No

GREEN DAY Boulevard of Broken Dreams

FIRST OF ALL, I don't understand why the Grammys have a billion loopholes in their rule book. I don't get why this is allowed to be nominated this year when American Idiot was nominated for awards last year.

SECOND OF ALL, I don't understand why this song is so popular among the living. People looking to slit their wrists, sure. But really--the droning. What is with the whining? Just because Janice on Friends got some laughs because of her whine doesn't mean that entire songs need to be whined and droned and ohmigod.

I walk a lonely road/The only one that I have ever known/Don't know where it goes/But it's home to me and I walk alone

Yeah, alone except for every person who shops at Hot Topic and buys into this bullshit. This song is just way too emo for my liking. Emo and needy and no, I don't feel bad for you, Billie Joe Armstrong, because there's probably a reason people shun you.

VERDICT: No

GWEN STEFANI Hollaback Girl

I like Gwen Stefani. I think she is cute, and I love that she is willing to take risks with fashion and cosmetic choices and that she's okay with looking like a fool. The video for "Cool" is unspeakably pretty. Sure, she is as needy as Green Day and she has a Mimiesque third grade thing going on with Love Angel Music Baby (did she just pick girly words out of a sparkly hat?), and her fetishization of Japanese culture is so not cute, but I have to stay on Team Stefani (Please shoot me the next time I say Team _______) because:

The woman has tricked an entire world into listening to her vent about her failed romance with Tony No Doubt. Think about the brilliance of that. Every single song she has written is about that breakup, and the public keeps eating it up and she is using US as her therapists and not only is she saving money on therapy bills but she is MAKING MONEY OFF OF IT. That is GENIUS.

I love drag queens

But Hollaback Girl? Seriously? No. I have not met one person who is willing to go on the record stating that they enjoy this song, and I know some maladjusted freaks. I mean, it is the type of song that you are morbidly fascinated with, but to nominate it for an award is just...

I heard that you were talking shit/And you didn't think that I would hear it/People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up/So I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack/Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out/That's right, put your pom-poms downs, getting everybody fired up

There is something wrong with her.

And this is saying nothing of the bizarre "B-A-N-A-N-A-S" part of the song. The first time I heard it, I thought I had stumbled upon Sesame Street or The Big Comfy Couch. I feared for the world when I learned it was a for real song.

VERDICT: No. A million times, no

KANYE WEST Gold Digger

We've all heard it. We've all imitated Kanye's strange dance moves. We've all screamed out "WE WANT PRENUP" in a crowded public place. The song is catchy as hell. And you all know that I love Kanye, Jesus imitating and Cosby sweaters notwithstanding. But there are two things extremely wrong with this song and, as such, I don't feel right giving it an official endorsement

Jamie Foxx. Would you please let Ray Charles rest in peace? I was all about the Foxx last year and I wanted him to win the Oscar and he did and I was happy and Ray was brill but seriously, I think he may have had a psychotic break and no longer realizes that he is not Ray Charles, and I am pissed that Kanye is stringing along his delusional ass

The following

My best friend say she use to fuck wit Usher/I dont care what none of y'all say I still love her

WHAT

THE

FUCK

?!??!

Nobody deserves Usher's sloppy seconds. Nobody. Not a chipmunk cheeked, sweater vest wearing egomaniac. Not Joel Stein. Not the creepy man who works at the deli next to my job. NOBODY.

If I may be so bold as to suggest legislation that needs to be brought to the Senate immediately, I think that Usher needs to be quarantined. Sent to an island somewhere with nobody to keep him company except for Jermaine Dupri and Dominic Monaghan. The internet should have all pictures of him erased. I don't know why he looks like that. It is scary enough to have to look at somebody with a tiny head, or with a penis shaped nose, but when you combine the two and then add in skeeze? No words.

On Seinfeld when Jerry found out his girlfriend was dating Newman, he was understandably freaked out. That is a normal reaction. But for Kanye to brazenly claim that he still loves this girl after hearing that she...knew...Usher? No. That is just the wrongest thing ever.

Did he just need someone whose name rhymes with "Busta" and "her"? I mean, it's hard, for sure, since the only name I can come up with "Burr" as in Aaron and you know, if we're being honest, I'd rather that than Usher.

VERDICT: USHER?!

That leaves us with Gorillaz and "Feel Good Inc." by default, but which is a deserving song in its own right, so yay.

And while I know that the Grammys mean nothing, I do hope Kanye wins big and if John Legend doesn't win at least Best New Artist, I am going to need to lay low at one of your houses after the mass murder I will surely commit. Fair warning!

Say It Ain't So, Sammy Jo

2006-02-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

Ohmigod! Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are getting divorced. What the dissolved unions of Brad and Jen, Nick and Jessica, Paris and Paris couldn't do, this did: made me sad.

I am completely neutral on the subject of Mr. Sambora, but I just adore Heather Locklear and I am automatically suspicious of people who don't like her. Those people will often offer up "But soap operas are lame!" in their defense, which is akin to hate speech.

There are many reasons why Heather Locklear is better than most people, including:

Holding on to her dignity despite playing a character named Sammy Jo on Dynasty

Proud enough to rock the big hair in the new millennium

Pretty!

Is actually funny and willing to make fun of herself. Self awareness is so chic!

Digs irony, as evidenced by taking on roles in Uptown Girls and that Hilary Duff movie with Det. Mike Logan*

There was another reason why I love Heather...oh, now I remember

SHE PLAYED AMANDA MOTHERFUCKING WOODWARD! Seriously, one of the best characters ever. A fan of mini-skirts and catty one-liners, she was truly an inspiration and consistently entertaining, even when paired with Kyle McBride, played by Rob "Watch this manilla folder be more interesting than me" Estes.

And, oddly, Rob Estes and Josie Bissett, who played Jane on Melrose just announced that THEY are divorcing after 14 years of marriage. What is happening to the world??? Let me just state, for the record, that if my favorite Melrose Couple Doug Savant and Laura Leighton get divorced, I will require therapy. I wish I were joking. [They looked cuter than cute at the SAG Awards]

One last Melrose comment: I think we should start a fund to get Thomas Calabro back in the limelight. I mean, as much of the limelight that he was ever in. Perhaps the starring role as a smug lawyer in a Lifetime movie?

SPEAKING of Lifetime movies, if you have not yet caught A Little Thing Called Murder, you need to, like, now. I'm begging you to. And I rarely, if ever, beg. If blind items are to be believed, Judy Davis is a shrieking hell beast, and boy did her real life issues help her here. She was awesome. Unhinged, evil and with the most cheesy set of wigs in recent memory. The Real Lucky from General Hospital also did well. Will Raven acquit herself as well in her upcoming Lifetime movie? Not even I, she of little taste and an addiction to cheese, will be tuning in to find out.

***

One of my favorite people the lovely and talented Tanis over at Geek Chic posted a response to my Brad Pitt hateration, coming down in the firmly anti-Aniston camp. It's a great read, even if she is wrong because Brad Pitt sucks on several different levels. If you don't have her site bookmarked, you are missing out on a lot.

***

I had a whole discussion about the Oscar nominations floating around in my head---incidentally, that sounds much more mentally ill than I mean it---and I have forgotten most of it. I will make the following comments:

Munich for Best Picture was a nice surprise

George Clooney getting three nominations made me squeal, if only because it probably made Bill O'Reilly cry**, as I imagine Ludacris winning a SAG Award did. Anything that upsets O'Reilly is fine by me

Terrence Howard looks too much like Eva Pigford for me to even have the ability to think about him rationally. The Oscars will no doubt be spent screaming "PIGFORD!" at the tv screen. Yes, I am a simple person, despite my efforts to hide that

Reese better get off this 1950s kick that she's vibing these days because it just doesn't work on her and I would be so disappointed to see her frumping it up on Oscar night. I love Reese to death, like, adoration squared, but if she wins over Felicity Huffman, I will be very sad.

I hate Judi Dench

I am, as ever, excited about the show and will be blogging it live again! Woooo! It's a labor of love, but the only thing that would keep me away during the honorary award bullshit. Will this be the second year running that the host of the Oscars sends me and Negi a shoutout? Only time will tell. And if Jon Stewart feels as positively about me as I think he does***, I think we may be good to go.

*I have no evidence that she took those roles ironically, but believing that helps me sleep through the night
**For more O'Reilly hateration, please watch Keith Olbermann lay the smackdown
***We have never met, which I think equals positive feelings. Tabula rasa and all that.
***

I literally just realized this, which is pathetic: How weird is it that Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman are BFF and their exes are procreating with Dawson's Creek stars? I don't know why that amuses me so. Probably because of the aforementioned simple thing.

The Case Against Brad

2006-01-31T12:36:00.000-05:00

I hope she's coping by doing a happy dance throughout her house, down the street and in crowded restaurants, squealing because she is so filled with glee not to be saddled down with Brad Pitt anymore. Perhaps even calling Angelina Jolie to warn her that Brad will need his shoes tied everyday and the menu read to him when they go out to dinner.

It is truly and horribly offensive to me that the glossy magazine purchasing public is forced to take part in a media-created freakshow in which two women fight over a bland, low-functioning, bad actor and that said bland, low-functioning, bad actor is held up as some sort of American ideal, that this is the superstar to end all superstars and <3OMGBRADPITT4EVAH!<3

I'm going to be frank here: Brad Pitt sucks. I won't hear evidence to the contrary. I have come to this conclusion in a highly scientific manner and present the following facts to back up my claim which, really, needs no backing up at all because it is so true.

HIS FILMOGRAPHY

"Oh, please", you'll say. "He was in Ocean's 11! And he was in Thelma and Louise and Fight Club and Seven AND he got an Oscar nomination for Twelve Monkeys, SO THERE! And Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a hit!!!!!"

And you know what I'll do? Laugh in your face. Sure, Seven is awesome and Fight Club is great, but the success of Ocean's 11 had absolutely zero to do with him, and Twelve Monkeys was in the year of Braveheart, when critics were smoking every crack pipe in their reach, so whatever, and people wanted to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith to see if they could find clues to support the theory that he and Angelina were having sex. And even if I give you those movies, he has also appeared in The Devil's Own, Interview With the Vampire, Seven Years In Tibet, Legends of the Fall (Fact: I did not know until today that this is actually a different movie than A River Runs Through It), The Mexican and Troy. His foray into the world of animated films where he did not have to use any facial expressions also failed miserably, as Sinbad will attest. Then, of course, there's Meet Joe Black. Because of that movie, there is a warrant out for his arrest in seventeen states.

Really. Try and defend him all you want, but the one-two punch of Meet Joe Black and The Devil's Own is just too powerful and probably qualify as human rights violations.

HIS ROMANCES

I do not fully understand why Jennifer Aniston was always the subject of nasty comments like, "She's only famous because of Brad!!!!!!!!" Did her magazine sales get a boost due to bagging the Sexiest Man Alive (Prediction: He wins the title again this year)? Probably. But she was a well established television star before that and Rachel Green was always the most popular character on Friends (if ever there was a statement damning with faint praise...), so whatever. It's not like she was a street urchin before they met or anything. But this is not about Jennifer Aniston, it is about how freaky Brad Pitt is when he is dating someone. Not freaky deaky like an episode of Law & Order: SVU but freaky like he gloms onto their appearance.

Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow: The same exact haircut

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston: His & Her Highlights

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Raven haired hotties, now with 200% more do-gooding!

He also dated Robin Givens and, you know, I have a hard time listening to praise of him when one of his ex-girlfriends was married to Mike Tyson. I mean, if ever there was a case of BAD TASTE, this is it.

Hmm, I think I forgot one of his girlfriends...oh, right...

SKEEVOSITY

On the set of Too Young To Die (often, as one would ascertain from the title, played on Lifetime), Brad Pitt met and started a romance with Juliette Lewis. Say what you want about Juliette Lewis--and I say a lot. Um, cornrows?!--but something is very peculiar about this romance. Namely that he was 27 and she was 16.

In my neck of the woods, we have a word for 27 year old men who date 16 year old girls. That word is ick. And also, pervert. Eleven years when the younger person is 23? Fine. 36 and 47? Fantastic. 64 and 75? Wonderful. 16 and 27? Ew. Like, seriously, ew.

DUH

I am the type of person, for better or for worse, who judges people based on appearances. Has it gotten me into trouble before? No.

It is obvious, to me, that there is nothing going on behind Brad Pitt's eyes. If you look at the photo on his IMDB Page you may say to yourself, "Yikes! Could they not find a better picutre? Like, one that doesn't radiate skank and duh?"

No, they can't. A friend once famously referred to him as Brad "The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead" Pitt, which is all too apt. The man is just not there.

If his facial expressions are not the epitome of doofiness, I do not know what is.

(All that and he is close to his Troy co-star Orlando Bloom. That much concentrated stupidity will cause an explosion one day)

***

I think we've learned a valuable lesson here today, haven't we? If we unite in our belief that Brad Pitt is not all that and the proverbial bag of chips, perhaps he will not be foisted upon us all as the greatest ever and we can actually pick up a magazine without being confronted by lies about his talent and IQ.

Shut Up, Tom

2006-01-22T15:56:00.000-05:00

There was a point in time where I abused the word douchebag, using it to describe people and things that ranged from profoundly irritating to just there. When I started referring to office products and similarly bland inanimate objects as douchebags, I knew I went too far.

However. There is no word that encapsulates all that is wrong with Tom Cruise the way that douchebag does. Sure, schmuck and prick are succinctly brutal, but when you say the word "douchebag" out loud (try it!), you actually sneer. It's perfect for conveying derision.

Since we can all see where this is going, I'll just come right out and say it: Tom Cruise Is A Douchebag.

It's not earth shattering news, no, and I'm aware that my obsession with Tom & Katie and Tara Reid are symptoms of a mental defect of sorts, but I need to make this clear and scream it from the hills and since I'm not near any hills, this forum will have to do.

This week alone, Tiny Tom has reassured the world that despite pretenders to the throne like Jake "I am really straight, I just had to pretend to be a gay in a movie, but I sure do like the ladies, because I'm straight, not gay" Gyllenhaal, taking a page from the master's book, and Adrien "We don't even need to give examples, do we?" Brody, he really is the king.

1. Attempted Murder

I may be reading into things a bit too much (I've been accused of it in the past), but I really think that he is attempting to strangle Ellen in this supremely awkard photo.

It's almost like you can actually hear him say, "Smile at that camera or I'll kill you. Do it!"

Plus, even if Ellen's neck wasn't broken in the attack, she undoubtedly got Scientology cooties which, ew.

And the sunglasses! Oh my GOD, the sunglasses. Tom, it's not the Top Gun era anymore!

2. Hypersensitive, Homophobic Nutjob

The episode of South Park that made fun of Tom Cruise's hiding in the closet cannot be shown in the UK and will likely never be shown again in the US, because Tom Cruise didn't find it funny. What does Tom Cruise find funny? I bet that sick bastard watches Joey...

Anyway, here is a list of things I don't find funny:

Risky Business

Cocktail

Jerry Maguire

Tom Cruise's feeble attempts at laughing at himself, a la appearing in Austin Powers and the skit where Ben Stiller plays his stunt double

The stench of desperation that accompanied Tom Cruise's appearances on TRL and The Daily Show

Tom Cruise's overlaugh

Just, you know, for the record.

And seriously, I am the most hypersensitive person I know, to the extent where playful teasing often leaves me in tears, and if I am judging Tom from overreacting, there is a problem.

3. Paranoid Freak

From that bastion of all that is good and right, Page Six:

TOM Cruise spends a lot of time with his adopted children, Isabelle and Connor, but he's had help in the form of nannies. Suzanne Hansen, who worked for Mike Ovitz, Debra Winger and Danny DeVito for years, just wrote a book, "You'll Never Nanny in This Town Again," about her experiences. She told PAGE SIX and "The Insider" that, "Tom would make his nannies sign confidentiality agreements that were so strict, they couldn't even say for whom they were working. So basically, if [Cruise] went on camera and said how he didn't have any help raising his children, they couldn't say anything." Hansen, who knew Cruise in the days when he was with Nicole Kidman, added, "I never saw her" - fueling suspicions that Kidman was less than a full-time mother to her adopted kids.

Okay, so the Kidman part is pretty interesting, but overall: the man is a lunatic. I am sure that he is going to sue this woman, like, five minutes ago for this, but it is interesting all the same. Does everybody he comes into contact with need to sign a confidentiality agreement? Like, do the Starbucks baristas have to promise not to tell that he gets a caramel macchiato and not a venti quad cappuccino?

4. Rampant Egomania

What could be better than receiving the DVDs of every single movie your fiance has ever been in? I mean, besides jewelry, cash, liquor, gift certificates, tickets to the movie theater, Bath and Body Works gift sets, a re-gifted fondue set, underwear and the flue.

That's right, nothing! Especially when the DVDs are lovingly inscribed. I can only imagine what he wrote...

The Outsiders-->Hottest. Ensemble Cast. Ever

Risky Business-->Look at my body in this movie, and the passionate, animalistic way I simulated heterosexual intercourse with Rebecca DeMornay! It's getting hot in here!

All The Right Moves-->Kate, for you, I have all of the right movies. Because you're a woman

Legend-->Legend has it...that I'm awesome! I <3 you!

Top Gun-->I'm not in the danger zone now that I have you in my life

The Color of Money-->Isn't as pretty as you, honey! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rain Man-->I was in this movie! It's not about Dustin Hoffman! It's about me!

Born on the Fourth of July-->What the fuck? I lost BOTH OF MY LEGS in this movie, and Daniel Day Lewis, who still has a foot, wins the Oscar. Fuck that shit

Days of Thunder-->You can't stop the thunder, and you can't stop my love for you. If you were more than twelve when I made that movie, I would have cast you and not Nicole, I swear

A Few Good Men-->Can you handle the truth? The truth is...I love you

I mean, really. The midget is ridiculous.

I can only imagine that he will get more and more insane as the weeks go on and, in a desperate attempt to push Brad and Angelina off of the front pages (aside: I am ohmigod so sick of them and can't the trend of couple names like Brangelina and Bennifer and TomKat just DIE ALREADY?!?!?!) he will resort to drastic measures. I don't know what could be more drastic than his couch jumping foolishness, but I know he'll try to top it.

Brought To You By The Letter G

2006-01-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

The Golden Globes

I hope you didn't expect in depth reporting, for I am saving that for my traditional Oscar night live-blogging (doing something once equals a tradition, right? Right). I was basically happy with all of the winners, save Mary Louise Parker; I know, okay? I know Desperate Housewives sucks this season, but come ON! Marcia Cross has played my two favorite television characters evah (Bree and Kimberly Shaw, obvs.), and she still has no awards. What is with that?! Thrilled with the Brokeback Mountain recognition and the love for Felicity Huffman. Can we talk about her for a second? Fantastic. Just fantastic.

Also on the fantastic tip? Some celebrities did me proud and looked stunning on the red carpet.

Renee Zellweger: I was shocked. Renee always looks nice, but during her classic phase she was so...boring. I adored this dress.

Evangeline Lily: Stunning. I don't know anybody who looks better in green

Natalie Portman: How pretty is she?!

Keira Knightley: She looked like a dream

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, I said it. Her makeup wasn't great, but my love for Rochas is so great that she gets a free pass automatically.

Naturally, there were some who were quite the opposite of fantastic. As in grotsky.

Michelle Williams: I adore Michelle, so I was disappointed in this. It's like...the purple people eater come to life.

Anne Hathaway: A hot mess

Drew Barrymore: The dress is beautiful, but all I can focus on is her cleavage. What, Drew, you can't afford a bra?!

I am also confused about a few things...

How has no one killed Teri Hatcher yet? Her constant mugging whenever the camera went anywhere near the cast of Housewives was pathetic. Plus, this is just...tragikstan

The cast of "Desperate Housewives" were the last to make a backstage appearance, long after the room started to clear out. "Felicity was up for an award and we all had to run back and support her," show creator Mark Cherry explained.

But at that point, only seven reporters were left, prompting Teri Hatcher to say, "There is just something so incredibly pathetic about this."

Cherry said each member of the cast and crew would get a chance to pose for a picture with the award the show won for best TV comedy or musical. "And I have mine from last year," Hatcher said, "so I'm cool."

From the most downloaded woman on the internet to this. How sad.

How is Steve Carrell only now getting props for being so amazing?

Why did Jamie Foxx promote his album during the show? Just, no.

How did Mariah score an invite?

George Clooney

I will just come out and say it: I was so happy he won last night. Blah blah blah Paul Giamatti, whatever. I loved Syriana and I like Clooney against my better judgment. I mean, the man is responsible for extending the Ocean's 11 franchise, he produced Rock Star and do we even need to talk about Batman? But at the same time, he was in Three Kings, O Brother Where Art Thou? and he produced Far From Heaven...on the other hand, he dated Krista Allen..but he is so charming! And he hates Bill O'Reilly! I just can't not love him. I just can't.

Gross

Nicole Richie is dating Steve-O. That is just so ew. And somewhere, ANTM's Lisa pees in a diaper and she doesn't know why...

Gross Part Deux

Hush yo' mouth, Wendy Pepper. Seriously. Maybe--and this is just a guess--her husband had issues watching his wife act more awful than most reality tv contestants ever? Because she was loathsome. And I have no problem with mean people most of the time but (a)Project Runway is not the type of show that you go on with a strategy, freak and (b)despite the fact that she made it to Fashion Week (over my beloved Austin Scarlett, no less!), the woman has no talent. And there are few things* that I can stand less than arrogance with no talent behind it.

*Blatant lie, but that has more to do with my being easily agitated than anything

Go Away

I feel sort of like if I keep talking about how much I hate Sienna Miller that the cops are going to come arrest me, but seriously, I can't freaking stand her. Everything I read about her irritates me in the biggest way possible, like...

How she paints with her breasts. What the fuck? Why does she need to talk about this? Who cares that getting naked is what she does best?

Jude Law obviously doesn't. But never fear! Sienna is totally going to beat the nanny he cheated on her with up!

"I'm quite looking forward to the day when our paths will cross, which I know they will...she better live in fear."

I bet she is totally scared of all 102 pounds of you. Personally, I think you should focus your attention on hiding from Naomi Campbell, who is none too thrilled with your copying Kate Moss, but what do I know? Is her 15 minutes of fame up yet? How about...no?

Seriously? WTF?

2006-01-12T21:04:00.000-05:00

So Colin Farrell scored the biggest success of his entire career with the shutting down the website featuring his sex tape.

The thing is, I don't understand why he would want to do that.

Okay, so most people don't want tapes of them having sex thrown across the internet. I get that. But in the case of Colin Farrell, it's a step up of sorts. A step up from the gutter, sure, but a step up nonetheless. It harkens back to a time when he had not yet puffed up with a bloat that would garner snickers from Ben Affleck and Vince Vaughn, and it is surely better quality than Alexander.

At the rate his career is going, he's soon going to have to audition for projects like that.

Colin Farrell's whole career mystifies me. He is not a terribly talented actor. He has caterpillars on his face that he tries to pass off as "eyebrows", but we all know better. Films that he stars in flounder pathetically at the box office. He looks like he smells like cheap cologne and whiskey. He can give you an STD on sight.

Now, I don't know about you, but, generally, when I encounter a person who's none too good-looking and none too bright, who has syphillis and can't hold a steady job, I silently judge them and mock them with friends. But not so Hollywood. No. They see fit to give this skeezer multiple chances and to refer to him as a hunk in the press. What?

I guess it all started with Tigerland, a film that I did not see that had some level of critical acclaim. Ish. I mean, as acclaimed as a Joel Schumacher film is capable of being. In Tigerland (Which was filmed in 1999, mind you), Colin Farrell reached his hotness plateau.

Since American girls are notoriously easy when a British accent is involved, Hollywood figured that an Irish accent would be an even bigger draw, so they gave Colin all sorts of work, like American Outlaws and Hart's War. Which, actually, now that I think about it is a punishment of sorts. I mean, true, Bruce Willis was coming off of The Sixth Sense, so maybe it was an okay move, but American Outlaws? With Scott Caan and the Ali who isn't the Doritos girl? Ew. But that ruins my argument, so never mind.

During this time, he was married for approximately four months. That is not germane to anything, but I thought I'd throw it in there. He also indulged in the tool move of tattooing her name on his finger like, hi, why even bother getting married because that is a death wish right there.

Colin hit the jackpot with Minority Report: Cruise and Spielberg = Gold. It was a surefire box office hit, and was actually really good, and he was clinging to handsomeness. Yes, he was probably cast merely because he was the only man in Hollywood who didn't tower over Tom Cruise and because Tom Cruise, um, wanted him, but getting a good part is getting a good part no matter how you got it.

Then he was on the cover of Vanity Fair and was basically a freak. The interview was all about booze and broads, and he wore a strange hat in the accompanying photographs. Minus the strange hat, the Colin Farrell described in the VF interview became the superstar. Sure, he acted and stuff, but basically, he was drunk, raunchy and had sex with anything possessing the necessary orifices.

He and Joel Schumacher reunited for Phone Booth which was unsurprisingly mediocre. He then starred opposite the also elfin Al Pacino in The Recruit which I saw and which sucked, and in my defense, my roommate and I snuck into it and did not contribute to the box office in any way. The biggest thing about The Recruit was that it was really bad and that Colin took Britney Spears to the premiere and they made out and were icky.

Pro:

This pissed Bridget Moynahan off because she felt the media circus detracted from the, um, "merits" of the film

Okay, it's a 20/20 Hindsight Pro for sure, but it turns out that Colin Farrell is a step up from the people Britney would go on to date. So, um, good on you, Brit.

Cons:

It cemented his reputation as a "heartthrob" and "lothario" if America's Sweetheart went out with him. As though America's sweetheart wasn't braindead!

Colin Farrell then banged the entire porn community, developed an even stronger brogue (...) and got ugly. Like, icky. Because as we all saw in Daredevil, possibly the worst movie ever made, the man is simply not good looking. He looked terrifying with a shaved head because the eyebrows threatened to take on a life of their own. He got bloated, he looked like he smelled, he impregnated his girlfriend, according to industry gossip he bought his sister implants(!), he drank a lot, he made S.W.A.T. (I think...did that movie actually exist? I don't remember it), and then came Alexander.

By the blond mullet alone, you know it's a disaster. But it actually got even worse. It was poorly written, poorly acted, pretentious, long and extremely campy. But they didn't embrace the camp. They took it seriously and---no. No. It was just--I have no words. It was that bad. That bad.

And I know I am harping on this, but seriously, does the man have a medical condition? Because the bloating is just extreme.

WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS NOT HOT! THAT IS NOT CLEAN! THAT IS NOT IN ANY WAY POSITIVE!

Women of the world: why do you keep sleeping with him?!

Incidentally, that photo was taken right after he allegedly checked himself into rehab. Which, no. Doesn't your room smell now? He has that effect on people.

And now, the sex tape. It's stardom, of sorts, loosely defined though it may be. I am sorry for the abrupt ending, but I feel sick after writing so much about someone so repulsive. I think I have gonorrhea now.
*******
Also from the "Seriously, WTF?" department, Eminem is remarrying his ex-wife Kim, because nothing says "I Love You" like writing a song for the woman of your dreams, especially if the song's lyrics say

Ha! Go ahead yell!\Here I'll scream with you!\AH SOMEBODY HELP!\Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?\Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you

It's so nice to know that romance isn't dead.
*******

There is no appropriate way to segue into something positive, so I will end simply by saying how much I love (on all levels) Project Runway's Daniel Vosovic. He's sweet, he's talented (the dress he and Andrae designed is now available for sale at Banana Republic) and dreamy. Yes, even with the nose. Love!

2005 In Review: Part III

2005-12-30T16:54:00.000-05:00

My knowledge of the music industry is, shall we say, not so much with the existing. I listened to precisely four albums all year (Madonna, Common, Legend, Kanye, whose Cosby sweater clad babies I am still willing to bear) and while I could go on, at length, about the merits of Ashlee Simpson's new singles, I can't help but feel that all of you deserve so much more, which is why I enlisted the help of the most musically knowledgeable person ever, Jeff, who graciously accepted my invitation to act as a guest. Without further adieu, here is his brilliant look back at the year that was.

***

After the warm glow of the Media Gadfly's invitation to guest-write a synopsis of 2005: The Year in Music slowly faded, I was left with the realization that I might be in big trouble. While my dear patron artfully skewers all facets of media - Sports! Television! Fashion! Celebrity! - with equal élan, I'm largely ignorant of the world of music outside of my Stereogum-approved playlist of hipster chestnuts. (Seriously - the first time I heard the ubiquitous-for-most "The Thong Song" was when Saturday Night Live used it in a parody commercial.) After briefly paging through Entertainment Weekly's year end issue intense research on the subject proved fruitless, I decided to follow a long, hallowed tradition of music journalism and simply faked it. Let us now remember the year that was in music:

Artist of the Year:

As much as it pains me to say it, the title goes to Kanye West. My sturdy Midwestern upbringing makes it hard for me to embrace someone as "confident" as Mr. West, but it's hard not to throw mad props at someone who is a major success despite bringing social consciousness and spirituality to pop music, all the while fearlessly championing Glee Club sweaters as a fashion statement:

While Late Registration suffered a whiff of critical backlash - even its ardent supporters don't claim it's on a par with The College Dropout - it's impossible to deny that "Gold Digger" was the catchiest single of the year and the album still managed to earn five Grammy nominations. West also produced well-received albums for Common and comeback kid, Mariah Carey, and his 2005 work for John Legend resulted in eight Grammy noms for his protégé's debut, Get Lifted. Just in case he was still feeling unappreciated, a Time Magazine cover story called West "the smartest man in pop music".

But these musical accomplishments only told part of the story of West's 2005. His gift for outspokenness sometimes opened needed dialogue on matters of race and homophobia. Most importantly, though, he provided a clear etiquette guide for urban slang, thus finally emboldening me to use phrases such as "mad props" in daily life.

In the interest of equal time, it's important to point out that West also encouraged Jamie Foxx's singing career, collaborated with Maroon 5 douchebag, Adam Levine, and used his appearance at Live 8 to espouse some scientifically questionable views on the origin of the AIDS virus. And really, the sweaters? Awful

Comeback of the Year:

I probably would have picked Kate Bush for the honor, but my wife failed to respond to a month's worth of anvilicious hints about wanting Aerial, Kate's first album in 12 years, for Christmas, so I can't definitively say it doesn't suck. I guess I'll go with Mariah Carey instead since The Emancipation of Mimi ended a long string of overly precious My Little Pony album titles (Daydream, Butterfly, CHARMBRACELET!) and became a monster hit. Terrence Howard's acting prowess ensured he'd eventually shake off the Glitter taint, but in Mariah's case, it was uncertain whether her talent or bat-shit insanity would win out in the end. Happily, the two reached a peaceful détente, allowing the Cotton Candy Queen to reascend her Rainbow Throne on a golden unicorn to choirs of sparkly, melismatic seraphim. The world is a shinier place for it.

Worst Single of the Year:
Is the insipid earwurm, "My Humps", or D4L's insidiously evil "Laffy Taffy" my pick for WORST of the year? Well, kind of, but I'll not open myself up to accusations of hater-dom for slagging songs that many consider harmless fun, and instead choose one that everyone can revile equally - Crazy Frog's cover of "Axel F". At its peak, this unholy melding of an annoying internet meme, the dated synth theme from Beverly Hills Cop, and mobile ringtone technology outsold Coldplay's "Speed of Sound" single four to one in the UK and reached the top of the charts in 12 countries. (Mercifully, it only reached as high as #50 in the United States. U.S.A! U.S.A!) While Americans largely failed to succumb to this novelty musical mania, I personally was forced to sit through three consecutive (and manslaughter-inspiring) plays of this abomination on the digital jukebox of a local watering hole. Even this limited exposure was enough for me to name it my most hated song of the Ought-Five.

A link to the video for the curious and/or those with masochistic tendencies.

Most Pointless Musical Debate of '05:

Which version of Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine is superior - the shelved (but leaked) Jon Brion version (as favored by Pitchfork), or the official Mike Elizondo-produced release (championed by David Browne of EW.) Debating the merits of whether she is best served by a spare backing arrangement or more baroque, Weill-esque instrumentation distracts from the important task at hand - making popcorn in anticipation of Fiona's televised breakdown at a major 2006 awards ceremony. It's been 6 long years since her last album, and Papa needs a healthy dose of the crazy from my favorite emotionally fragile diva.

Genre that Gave Hipsters Wood:
If there was one artificial grouping of musicians that made music geeks feel even more self-satisfied in 2005, it was Freak Folk. The genre had everything a hipster could possibly desire:

A charismatic - in a David Koresh-ian kind of way - central figure in Devendra Banhart

Essential (to 1500 record store clerks, at least) releases in 2005 by Banhart, CocoRosie, Animal Collective, and Akron/Family

An eclectic mish-mash of adored influences like Syd Barrett, Captain Beefheart, and Nick Drake

Homes at übercool indie labels (Young Gods, Asthmatic Kitty, Drag City)

A near-mythological comeback story (The release of Vashti Bunyan's second album, Lookaftering, 35 years after retiring from the music industry to raise a family)

Instrumentation and vocal stylings so "unique", that the entire genre is guaranteed to avoid the curse of mass acceptance

My prediction is that the scene will tire of the harps, glockenspiels and acid-drenched marching band music, and instead embrace a more traditional version of the New Folk in the coming year. We already have the highly anticipated new album by Cat Power - Chan Marshall is this generation's very own Oxycontin-addled Joni Mitchell - leading the charge in early 2006.

Parsing the Best of 2005 Lists:

I'm addicted to year-end lists mostly because I'm lazy and they save me the trouble of formulating my own thoughts about what I liked over the past 12 months. After careful perusal of Metacritic's convenient compendium Best of 2005 lists, I've decided that the good folks at PopMatters came closest to my sensibilities. It thankfully avoids one of my pet peeves about the year-end list - critics who feel the need to exclude an album over which they've soiled themselves all year in favor of a last-minute entry designed to solidify their credibility. Why, for example, include the great Wolf Parade album you earlier rated at 4.5 out of 5 ironic t-shirts on your blog when instead you can be cooler than the other kids by ranking an obscure Finnish death-prog/French musique concrète collagist/Brazilian irono-rap release in your Top Ten? PM's list didn't try to be controversial or groundbreaking - it simply gathered together an armful of albums that rarely left our players all year. Other thoughts:

The biggest WTF? moment by far was Pitchfork's decision to include Purple Haze by Cam'ron in their Top Ten. Was it a bid for populism to apologize for creaming themselves over Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Arctic Monkeys, and Gang Gang Dance all year? Did they think including amazing hip-hop albums from Danger Doom or Edan - neither of which made their Top 50 - would be too obvious?? Whatever the reason, including a mediocre album that wasn't even released in 2005 left many hipsters scratching their knit wool caps in confusion.

I couldn't be happier that Sufjan Stevens' album of Philip Glass-inspired campfire songs is receiving a wealth of accolades. It was my favorite of 2005, and I fully expected it to be the victim of backlash during the year-end accounting. Yeah, it suffers from filler and overly precious song titles, but the brilliant, heart-wrenching narratives of songs like "John Wayne Gacy Jr." and "Casimir Pulaski Day" more than make up for its foibles.

Divisive Albums I Loved: The only thing The Hold Steady's Separation Sunday and Antony & the Johnson's I Am a Bird Now had in common was that you either bought into their unique vocal stylings (boozy shout-sung lyrics in the case of the former, haunting falsetto in the latter) or you hated them. I'm a true believer in both cases.

Lauded Albums I Didn't Like: Having not heard it, it would be foolish to say that I disliked The Woods, but the fact is that I've found Sleater-Kinney's entire career vastly overrated. I also didn't fall for the charms of either Arular or the LCD Soundsystem release, which admittedly makes me feel like a joy hating tight-ass. I have no qualms, however, about HATING ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead's World's Apart. Whereas some critics considered it a mature musical statement and a worthy successor to the total godhead that is Source Tags and Codes , I heard nothing but over-produced mall punk. Biggest disappointment of the year by far.

Little Voice Admission: Gimme Fiction really isn't all that great of an album. I mean, it's decent, but can't Britt Daniel churn out a better single than "I Turn My Camera On" in a no-sleep bender fog at this stage of the game?

And finally, I'd be remiss if I failed to mention some gems that didn't make the year-end lists. Don't forget to check out the power pop goodness of Portastatic's Bright Ideas, the utterly charming "welcome back" releases from southern hemisphere stalwarts The Go-Betweens (Oceans Apart) and The Bats (At the National Grid), or The Ponys' awesome post-punk garage album, Celebration Castle. Your curiosity will be duly rewarded!

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And so ends my 2005 Retrospective, and what a wonderful note to end on! I hope you all have a fantastic New Year's Eve and a Happy New Year! Avoid Ryan Seacrest at all costs! See you in 2006!*

*My father once told me he'd see me next year on New Year's Eve and I cried and cried. I was a sensitive and somewhat dim child.

More From The Year That Was

2005-12-29T11:50:00.000-05:00

More end of the year fun! I mean, of course I am using the term "fun" loosely, but stretching definitions was a big thing in 2005, like how Colin Farrell is described as a heartthrob and Teri Hatcher is deemed "hilarious".

The Couples of 2005

1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

They were just--they were just. They just were. I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news that they were a couple, and it took us a long time to collectively realize that it wasn't 11:30 on a Saturday night, so it couldn't be a bizarro SNL skit...so it had to be real. Tom Cruise and Joey Potter. It was--it still makes no sense! They are the reason my heart doesn't beat properly anymore, because their couplehood made me go all out of whack: Tom "Risky Business-Color of Money-Top Gun-Born on the Fourth Of July-I Don't Like to Talk About Far and Away-Jerry Maguire-I Played a Fucking Sleazeball in Magnolia, Bitches-MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!" Cruise and Katie "...I had to kiss James Van Der Beek" Holmes. Midgety Tom Cruise and Statuesque Katie Holmes. Homosexual Tom and (Presumably) Heterosexual Katie.

So THAT was weird enough. But then he went all laughy crackers, culminating most noticeably on the Oprah set where he jumped on couches and generally acted a fool. And then! AND THEN! THEY GOT ENGAGED! THAT IS FUCKING WEIRD. But they were not content to just be engaged and weird and Scientologisty or whatever, they had to BE EVEN FREAKIER AND HAVE A BABY. That is so not right. It doesn't even make sense!

But since I spent approximately 86.3% of 2005 pondering this unlikely couple, I suppose it is only fair to name them couple of the year. And that makes Tom Cruise laugh all the way to the...well, he's laughing, at any rate.

2. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I cannot stand either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but since the world had their collective panties in a twist over this coupling, I felt it fair to give them their props. Brad Pitt is so grossly overrated and always has been, and I have always said that and people always say, "You're just saying that now, everybody liked him back in the day when Legends of the Fall came out!" and I can firmly say that I did not and restraining orders filed against my 10-year-old self by Christian Bale will back me up there. And I just really, really dislike Angelina Jolie, completely irrationally. It's like, if someone posts something nice about Angelina, Curt Schilling, Jessica Simpson or the color orange (Damn you, bastard child of red and yellow!!!11!), I have to counteract that with blatant hateration on a severe level as part of my civic duty or else a part of my soul will die. It's awful and unhealthy, but I can hardly even control it now. Angelina herself could knock on my door and give me $1000 cash and I'd slam the door in her face and scream out barely intelligible sentences. "Faux badass!" "You think you're so cool for playing yourself in all your movies!" "Billy Bob!!!!!1111!!!"

But this is about their being a couple, not my myriad psychological issues. I guess their appeal is that they are both pretty? Eh. Since they both can't act and one is dull as dirt while the other is condescending, I guess I can give them that.

What I find most interesting is that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston (JA) for Angelina Jolie (AJ). Intriguing, no? Perhaps Jennifer Aniston will retaliate by taking up with a PB...Pierce Brosnan, perhaps? Peter Boyle? Punky Brewster?!

3. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams

Um, not that I would ever willingly admit to watching the MTV Movie Awards, but if you saw them, then you know exactly what I am referring to when I say SWOON.

4. Jude Law and Sean Penn

Was there anything more "...the hell?" at this year's Oscars than Sean Penn taking the time before he announced the nominees to stand up for Jude Law, who was mocked by Chris Rock earlier in the show? No, there was not. That was pretty much weird. Somewhat endearing, but mostly creepy.

5. Mariah Carey and Herself

It was a comeback year for Mariah and the only person who enjoyed it more than Mariah's fans was Mariah. Nobody loves Mariah like Mariah loves Mariah. Whether she was enjoying a drink held up by somebody else, requesting lunch rooms at Best Buy be painted pink and using more wind machines than I knew existed, Mariah treats Mariah real well.

Top Lifetime Movie Titles of 2005

1. Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

2. Selling Innocence

3. Human Trafficking

4. Mom At Sixteen (Narrowly winning over Too Young to Be a Dad)

5. Hush (It starred Tori Spelling, how could it be wrong?)

Top Reality TV Contestants Who Were ROBBED!

1. Nik Pace

2. Austin Scarlett

Top ANTM Moments

1. Rebecca Fainting At Panel

2. In depth discussion of birds between winner Nicole and Kyle

Kyle: Maybe he's blind. 'Cause all he does is run into stuff.
Nicole: All birds are blind, though.
Kyle: You sure?
Nicole: That's why a lot of birds, like, almost run into your car. Like, run into your house, and almost run into your car.
Kyle: Really?
Nicole: Yeah, 'cause they can't see, but they can sense where they are. Like, with their hearing and stuff. Like, they can sense how close they are to things. That's what I heard.
Kyle: I know my bird can see.
Nicole: Maybe if it's just if the bird is outside and stuff...
Kyle: Maybe... I don't know...

3. I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this! When my mother yells like this it's because she loves me! I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you?!

4.

Lisa: You are basically presenting yourself like a moron.
Coryn: And what are YOU doing, alcoholic bitch?

5. The Nicole/Nik final two was pretty much the best thing ever and nearly erased the pain of freaking Naima winning Cycle 4. Curse you, Naima!
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A final installment by the end of the year! Woooo!

2005: A Look Back

2005-12-26T16:00:00.000-05:00

It seems like I was just writing the long, detailed and descriptive "2004 Year In Review", doesn't it? Time flies when you're having...well, time flies.

2005 was a most interesting year indeed. It started off with a bang, causing us to all lose our hearing when Jennifer Lopez and a rotten corpse did a duet at the Grammy Awards and ends with Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids despite never having gone on the record as a couple. Good times.

This week, I (and perhaps some special guests) will be discussing the Best of 2005. We'll start with the juiciest stuff first.

The Top Feuds of 2005

1. Kanye West v. George W. Bush

Not content to just sit and silently mourn the loss of New Orleans, Kanye hit GWB with some knowledge, simply saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people". Laura Bush and others were enraged and people questioned the choice to "play the race card", which is odd because...did people really think George Bush is pro-minority? Seriously? Whatever. I think it took balls to say that on live television, and Mike Meyers expression of pure horror and confusion made it even sweeter (their subsequent SNL Skit was perfection). Good on you, Kanye!

2. Brooke Shields v. The Tiniest Scientologist

Brooke Shields talked about postpartum depression; psychological expert Tom Cruise thinks she'd have been better off taking Flinstone vitamins. To make his point, he repeatedly slandered Brooke in the press for being foolish. Brooke, realizing that he is a fucking freak, did not let him walk all over her in his high heeled shoes, writing an eloquent rebuttal in the New York Times. She later snarked on the age difference between him and Katie and his taste in movie roles. Advantage: Brooke. It's enough to make me forgive her for Suddenly Susan, fo sho.

3. Russell Crowe v. Concierge

Solidifying his grasp on the "Biggest Asshole In Hollywood" trophy, winning by a large margin, Russell Crowe ripped a page out of Naomi's book and threw a phone at a hotel concierge when he could not call his wife. Was it an actual feud? No, it was more of a one sided beatdown, but the payoff--Russell completely being regarded as the tool he is--is the epitome of golden.

4. Paris Hilton v. Nicole Richie

Is it a good feud? No. Do I give points to Nicole for allegedly showing a party full of people the infamous Paris sex tape? Yes. Is Nicole better dressed than Paris? Yes. Do I need to have this on the list because it is the feud that dominated every cheesy, glossy weekly magazine? It seems that I have to. I am totally on Team Richie all the way.

5. Pat O'Brien v. Dignity

Being Pat O'Brien, dorky host of such shows as Access Hollywood and The Insider is bad enough, but he added to his sorry lot in life by being the victim of nasty voicemails being released all over the internet. When I say nasty, I mean, emphatically, "Too repulsive for any human being to have to hear". Don't believe me?

I am so fucking into you but Betsy’s so jealous, but let’s fuckin’ have sex and I wanna lick your pussy and suck your tits. But you have to be into Betsy, I told Betsy that you were into her. And, if you get this message, just look at me and say yes. But I wanna fuckin’ lick your pussy and make you come so much. And get crazy--I don’t know why I’m like this. But I want you badly and I know you want me, but you have to be into Betsy too. So when you get this message, if you agree with me, say yes.

WRONGEST THING EVER IN LIFE.

Top Horrors of 2005

1. Kevin Federline Becoming a Celebrity

Proving that freeloading ain't just for women, Kevin Federline rode the gravy train (I just grossed myself out) to the cover of Details and multiple issues of People. I think it's sort of terrifying that a rodent looking man with cornrows and body odor that can be smelled through computer screens is given money and studio space to record an album, drives a ferrari and is a bona fide celebrity while I do not yet have an Emmy.

2. Johnny Damon's Rise to Fame and Move To The Yankees

I am like a broken record with this, but...Johnny Damon is ugly. Stupid. Prickish. Can't throw. And yet, here he is, on my team. There are nights when I wake up crying because the thought of his cro-magnon face and highlighted hair haunts my dreams.

3. Fred Durst's Sex Tape

Our higher power is a cruel higher power. It is wrong on every level that Fred Durst has a sex tape available for all to see and Rodrigo Santoro does not. Words were not yet invented to convey how utterly wrong this is.

4. Marguerite Perrin

I don't believe I need to go into detail.

5. Gauchos and Ponchos

No. No. NO. Nobody looks good in gauchos or ponchos. They even have ugly names. And yet girls insist on wearing them in an effort to be boho or whatever when all they are doing is assaulting everybody who has to see them. Ladies, I beg you: please please please burn these garments. Hide them when you see them in stores. Do it for the good of the human race.
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More to come, including The Couples of the Year, The Reality TV Moments of the Year and Cute Boys! Woooo!

Um, Ew

2005-12-21T12:15:00.000-05:00

I was Punk'd today! It was so fun! It's weird that they chose me, since I'm not famous and also sort of weird that they didn't do anything outlandish like arrest me for murder and really weird that Ashton Kutcher wasn't there, but still! Come to think of it, it wasn't being filmed and the entire episode consisted of me watching ESPN. Huh. But that's the only logical explanation for the strange rumors swirling that Johnny Damon is a Yankee now. I mean, just last May he said he'd never go to the Yankees!

'There's no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard...It's definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It's not what I need

And it's not like baseball players ever go back on their words.

Though, this is a more complicated prank than Ashton usually goes for, since it involved having ESPN, yahoo.com and the local papers in on the trick as...oh. Ohhh. I-Oh. I just got it. Huh. If you'll excuse me for just one minute, I am going to be in the corner having a psychotic break.

...

Okay, I am back. And livid. Seriously, this is just a dreadful idea in every sense of the word. Yes, Johnny Damon has a great OBP and is a good leadoff hitter (one of the best, A-Rod? Whatevs. At least mention your teammate and ex-hetero life partner Derek in that same sentence, douche!), but there are soooo many negatives. Should I list them? Hey, why not.

Is ugly.

Throws so poorly that he needs to sprint into the infield and hand the cutoff man the ball

Unfamiliar with evolution on both a personal and intellectual level

Wife Michelle will no doubt become embroiled in a public feud with Anna Benson about who is the sexiest wife in New York, which, ew

Is a douche

More vain than even A-Rod is. Or at least I am assuming so, since I know for a fact that he has a personal hairstylist while A-Rod uses Sun-In, the working woman's product of choice

I know I am slightly hysterical, but I am so over this trend of players I loathe joining a team I love because I hold grudges for a very long time and seeing Damon in a Yankees uniform is just-no. It is so wrong. And I swear I will go on a rampage if I see people starting to wear Damon jerseys (or, heaven forbid, pink t-shirts!). I still get ulcers when I see Giambi jerseys, y'all.
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On the plus side:

Project Runway tonight. And it looks like there is going to be a Santino/Nina Garcia throwdown. I can't wait! Maybe it will make Andrae cry.

The Carver reveal on nip/tuck (which I will not spoil for those who are unaware) wound up being satisfying. I no longer want to hit Matt with a fleet of buses, though I still reserve the right to kick him repeatedly.

It is time to remember the real reason for the season. Namely, Posh, Becks and Kylie's ass.

I luff Michelle Williams (Obv. the former Dawson's Creek star, not the one from Destiny's Child, because who even knows about her?)

Michelle bristles at questions being asked about former Dawson's Creek costar and fellow mom (to be) Katie Holmes, saying that, "That's the million-dollar question...Everybody wants to ask it. I feel like I'm turning into a party trick. When I do reflect on [my time at the Creek], it's fondly...It's just not often."

BRILL!

Couch Potato

2005-12-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

In the weeks since my last real post (Nothing centered around Full House counts as real, except real pathetic), I have not done anything exciting enough to merit neglecting my blog the way that I have, unless you think watching television counts as exceedingly glam which I suppose that it does, on some level. Some sad, bizarro level.

Can we discuss some television shows? Thanks. Now, extra long to make up for weeks in between posts and presented in the OCD Person's Favorite, Alphabetical Order:

America's Next Top Model

I am pretty much recovered from the shock of the gorgeous Nik losing, if only because Nicole was my number two and she was pretty, photogenic, tall and young (in other words: a model). I still think Nik is my favorite contestant on any cycle, ever, so I am confident in hysterically saying "SHE WUZ ROBBED!!!" (Look at her portfolio for verification) Plus, now Nicole can do the "My Life As A Cover Girl" and put us all out of our Naima-induced misery (Aside: Naima? Seriously? Six months later, I still don't get it and probably never will). On the much discussed ElleGirl cover, Nicole looks...pregnant. I guess it's nice that world renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon (TM) has a niche in maternity chic.

The reunion special the other day? Seriously? I would have rather read People. How boring! It was basically an advert for Tyra's talk show and by the way, Tyra, it might be a good idea to practice using the teleprompter before the show. At the very least, it would eliminate awkward moments like:

Sarah: (Paraphrasing) I'm not a lesbian
Tyra: But you kissed Kim! (Reading the teleprompter) And another conflict on the show was between Lisa and Coryn!

Like, way to be organic, TyTy.

I still don't understand why we have no footage of who ate Bre's granola bars. It's the mystery of our time. My money is still on Jayla (who, seriously, is heinous. I love how she tried to gloss over the fact that she was repeatedly a horrid person to everyone in contact with her), just because she looks like a thief and also looks guilty whenever the subject is broached. Maybe they didn't want to show the clip because if Bre saw the real culprit, she would commit murder right onstage. How much do I love Bre, by the way? There is something about arrogant, condescending and unbalanced people that I just adore.

Apparently, Ebony and Kyle were on the show. Who would have known, judging by their combined 0.09 seconds of screentime. They were largely ignored in favor of replaying the same tired clips over and over and over. I am not going to discuss Ashley's fiance, because that would be wrong (did you see him, though? He was...he was.)

The Food Network

I have discussed the Food Network before but I am expericing a life crisis of sorts due to the fact that Sandra Lee was chosen to participate in the All Star Holiday Special. Sandra Lee. Unless it's an All Star special for talentless hags who wear too much makeup and not enough breast support. That's something she can work. But all star FOOD centered things? Just...no. Because of her Kwanzaa Cake alone, she should be disqualified from life. Am I taking this too seriously? After all, the show involves Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay and a random woman from HGTV, so it's not like the talent bar is particularly high, but still. Sandra Lee sucks. And I appreciate liquor as much as the next person, but doesn't she put a little too much in everything she makes? Maybe that's the only way her food can be stomached, if people are blitzed whilst eating.

Good Deals With Dave Lieberman has also caught my eye, partly because he is 25 and I have a well documented complex about people three years older and three years younger than me being successful, but mostly because the show is just like a porno. No, seriously. I know there's talk about the sensuality of food and Nigella blahblahblah, but when he chops vegetables or whisks things, there are close ups and straight up porn music comes on. It's entirely unsettling. Can moaning be far behind?

Grey's Anatomy

I have several questions about this show:

How is it possible that 80s Patrick Dempsey grew up into hot Patrick Dempsey and how is it possible that his hair is so artfully done, yet natural looking?

Could Bailey possibly get more awesome?

How perfect is the soundtrack?

The third question is the only one I have an answer to, and that is because Silly Pipe Dreams keeps a fantastic log of the songs used, so you can go back and relive the awesome.

Patrick Dempsey truly is dreamy, though Isaiah Washington is no slouch in that department. And as awesome as Sandra Oh is, I can't help but feel that she steals the attention away from the glorious Chandra Wilson, who, seriously, is beyond amazing. Sandra is fab, but Dr. Bailey is just ridiculous. She reduces me to a hysterical fangirl which...no, okay, that's not hard to do, but still.

Law & Order: SVU

I haven't watched the original L&O since Briscoe left (I remain addicted to the repeats on TNT, which air roughly 22 hours a day), and I rely on the cheesy goodness of SVU to give me my fix. But-I don't particularly like it. CLC recently wrote about how profoundly irritating some of the characters are and it is so true.

SVU typically goes like this:

Olivia: (Is dramatic! Identifies with the victim! Has bad hair!)
Finn: (Makes a short remark about black culture)
Stabler: (Becomes enraged)
Munch: (Quip!)
Cragen: (Is stern!)
Huang: (Spouts textbook passages verbatim! Is a know-it-all!)
Casey: (Fucks up her case! Refuses to learn how to walk in heels! Has hair dramatically lighter every scene!)
Plot: (Twisty! Turny! Twist! Turn!
Ending: (Poignancy)

The formula is predictable. If they have "the perp" within the first twenty minutes, it is obvious that either this is not the real perp or that this particular case will dovetail into something even more sinister. Last week's episode had about 46 plot twists, as if the writers feel that a plot twist redeems a boring story. I blame M. Night Shyamalan for this.

I cannot describe the convoluted story coherently, but it centered around a girl raised by lesbians who stabbed a bigoted kid in the back, paralyzing him. It included three of my least favorite SVU elements:

Huang's Instant Diagnosis

Olivia: When you were being molested, how did it feel?
Little girl: It--
Huang: SHE'S LYING! She is suffering from psychological brainwashing administered by her grandparents!

Instant Turnaround

Grandmother: Zoe is evil and gay! Gays can't raise kids, my lawyer told me so. 94% of them are child molesters. !!!!!111!!1
Casey: Look at these books on my desk, they say different.
Grandmother: Oh no! We were wrong! Zoe, can we be friends?

Bad Hair

Luckily, the little girl's wreck of a wig was explained (the bigot cut her ponytail off), but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Nip/Tuck

Let's just get this out of the way first: I am terrified of the freaking Carver. Terrified. It's because his/her mask is somewhat clowny. And also because of the whole cutting and raping people thing. Seriously, I have watched this show from the get go (is get go one word? Getgo? Should it be hyphenated? Get-go? I don't understand!) and now I don't know if I can watch the big reveal because the preview sent me into a tailspin. Ahhhhh! He's so creeeepy. And he has a myspace! And it's freaky! (although I love the fact that it lists his favorite show as According to Jim).

If I may be shallow for a moment: I really hope that Quentin Costa isn't the Carver, because I love Quentin a little. He's truly gross and repulsive and ridiculous, but it turns into fabulosity on some level, and it doesn't hurt that Bruno Campos is cute. There, I said it, I base 89.3% of life choices on looks. And I refuse to be ashamed.

Project Runway

Described as "the Prada of reality shows" by someone I don't know but whose quip is immortalized in a barrage of Bravo ads, the show is awesome. I held out for a while because I felt guilty cheating on ANTM until I gave in and watched an episode and-they are totally different (ANTM is like a drag queen, really campy and bizarre, and Project Runway is classy and together), so I no longer feel bad about watching it. Dare I say that this season is even better than the first? I suppose the absence of Wendy Pepper proves it.

Random Thoughts:

Heidi is even prettier pregnant than she is when she's not pregnant. And she's just so cute. Is it wrong that I give people a pass for seeming nice? It is, isn't it? Oh, well.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Nina Garcia is a bitch and I lurve it. I don't think she's as evil as others do, I think she's just brutally honest and sometimes the wack freaks on this show need to be shot down in the most scathing way possible, especially if it results in them spazzily running offstage, because that is good tv

(Picture courtesy of Rich over at Four Four who is SERIOUSLY brill, y'all. Go read it now!)

I would be in a room with Guadalupe for three minutes before I hit her. For those of you who don't watch the show, she has a Bruce Lee haircut and is the type of person insanely grating that you ignore on principle, but she won't take the hint and will always ask "Do you like me? Why don't you like me? I'm really nice! Do you lime me now?" She will do that very thing one episode, I can just see it. Much like ANTM's Lisa, she is famous for giving unwanted constructive criticism to everyone else and she's just-ugh, I want to hit her. I am not a violent person, but she is just begging for a smack.

My top three designers are Nick (by a mile: he's talented and has a fantastic personality), Chloe and Santino (a genius, but the personality-well, he likes himself enough for all of us).

Diana is sort of adorable in the antisocial geek sort of way. I can't watch the show when Daniel Franco is onscreen because he is SO NERVOUS that he makes me uncomfortable. The man is four seconds away from being hospitalized at any given moment. Daniel V is the quintessential hipster, and he can look cute at times and troubling at others. I am undecided, but I can see myself swinging into his court if he ceases to pull his hair up in a top knot. Who wants to look like a Yorkie?

Zulema blamed her ugly dress on her model's "big booty". That says it all.

For those of you who don't watch and those of you who do, Jeff's Television Without Pity recaps are fantastic because he really likes and appreciates the show, and manages to be funny about it all the same without being bitter, which is a yay indeed.

Full House...Of Horrors

2005-12-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

I have this really annoying thing where I cannot watch commercials. I just can't do it, it makes me twitchy, and it also opens up the possibility of seeing that creepy Ronald McDonald commercial. You know the one I'm talking about, where he's dancing and his shoe flies off and hits the camera and he gets all up in the camera to fix it and Ohmigod it is one of the most disturbing things committed to film? Yeah, I don't like that commercial. So anyway, while I'm watching TV, I constantly flick to another channel and it seems like whenever I do that during the week, I wind up watching Full House.

Now. In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I was a huge fan of Full House for most of my childhood and distinctly remember having a full on nervous breakdown when they moved it from Friday nights to Tuesday nights, because I was convinced that my parents wouldn’t let me stay up on a school night to watch it (they did). But so was everybody my age, so it is unsurprising except...when you think about it, the show is both highly unrealistic and tremendously disturbing.

I am fully aware that I am putting too much thought into an old, cheesy television show and should use this effort to learn some useful skills, such as basic arithmetic, but still.

The Kimmy Gibbler Conundrum
If you mention the name Kimmy Gibbler, people will wrinkle their noses in annoyance because she was one of the more annoying television characters in recent memory. She was dumb, boorish, dumb and a bad influence on DJ Tanner, her best friend. The last part is alleged and the centerpiece of an episode that rips off the Anne/Diana storyline from Anne of Green Gables. Don't believe me? The following is not for the faint of heart!
Anne will be italicized; Full House is bolded:

Anne and Diana want to be ladylike and proper, so they have tea
DJ and Kimmy want to be cool, so they watch MTV

Raspberry cordial is the height of sophistication, so Anne wants to serve it to Diana
Watching MTV is done best while relaxing, so Kimmy wants Danny's new big screen TV to be upstairs

Surprise! The raspberry cordial is really ALCOHOL!
OMG! Kimmy gets distracted and DROPS THE BIG SCREEN TV DOWN THE STAIRS

Diana is drunk!
The TV is broken!

Mrs. Barry claims that Anne got Diana drunk on purpose and is a BAD INFLUENCE. Diana is forbidden from associating with Anne
Danny Tanner concludes that Kimmy dropped the TV on purpose and is a BAD INFLUENCE. DJ is forbidden from associating with Kimmy (going as far as saying that it isn't important that they were best friends) (!!!)

Gasp! Minnie May Barry is sick with the croup and her parents aren't home!
Danny and Joey dress up as women to crash a sorority reunion and are arrested for attempted robbery and jailed; DJ has to bail them out of jail!

Anne rushes over to the Barry home and cures Minnie May!
Kimmy Gibbler rushes over to the Tanner house and babysits Michelle and Stephanie while DJ bails the transvestites out of jail!

Mrs. Barry realizes that her decision was rash and that Anne saved her daughter's life; all is forgiven
After seeing Kimmy playing patty-cake with Michelle, Danny realizes that she is good with kids; all is forgiven

Well, technically, all was forgiven for that one episode, because in any episode that Kimmy appears in, the adults on the show are needlessly rude to her. I am a mean person in general and am not saying that kids don't deserve being the recipients of bad attitudes, because that is not the case, but really, who are these people to be judging anyone? Jesse lives in the attic of his brother-in-law’s house and Joey is a creepy man child who lurks in the basement. Also! There was an episode where Jesse had a dream that he married Kimmy Gibbler. There aren't enough words in the world to describe how categorically NOT RIGHT it is for an adult to be dreaming about marrying his niece's school friend. Ew.

Jesse = Whipped
As if sporting a mullet weren't concerning enough, Jesse (Remember how his first last name was Cochran before he got all Greek pride up in here?) willingly slept in a room covered with pink bunnies. Then! When he and his wife moved out of the house, he got so despondent and suicidal over being separated from his family (for one night) that he and his wife moved into the Tanner family's house and lived in the attic. Even when they had children of their own, they lived in the attic. It was like a postmodern take on the works of V.C. Andrews. Jesse was supposed to be some musical superstar and when his song hit Number 1 in Japan, he had the opportunity to tour Asia but he turned it down because Michelle would miss him too much. Huh?

"Uncle" Joey is a creep

Seriously? The man lived in the basement of his best friend's house for over ten years, never had a real girlfriend and formed relationships with cartoon characters instead of actual people. That’s not normal.

Also, despite never having to pay rent or buy his own food, he was always broke. Why is this? I realize that makes him less of a creep and more of a freeloader, but it is certainly a negative trait.

The Very Special Episodes
People always harsh on Blossom for being 30 minute public service announcements, but Full House was just as bad. There was the time that Kimmy Gibbler got drunk at a frat house, the time DJ had an eating disorder that was cured in four minutes, the time that Danny stalked DJ and Steve to make sure they weren’t having sex, etc. There were also a number of episodes wherein characters got locked in places (gas stations, toystores and the like) which I am assuming were special episodes educating people about how to pass the time if they were trapped somewhere. I dunno.

I have officially wasted too much time thinking about this, but I can't help question the sanity of the world at large for watching this show and allowing it to pollute the airwaves for eight years. That's just wrong.
****
For those of you who watch ANTM, did you catch Nik's hott Luella bag?! I want. So badly. They are obscenely expensive and will probably be out of style in a year, but damn it, I would sell one of my brothers for one.
****

Also, and I am aware that it is an unpopular opinion, I am really creeped out by Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids. Isn't that moving just the tiniest bit quickly?

So Many Unanswered Questions

2005-11-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

Can we talk about the Spears-Federline family for a second?

I ask this on a daily basis, perhaps even an hourly basis, but being passe and repetitious has never stopped me before, so...Why?

Why do I have the sneaky feeling that Britney coordinated the unveiling of Sean Preston to coincide with Christina Aguilera's wedding, cunningly keeping her off of the covers of magazines, unless one counts OK!, which I don't, really?

The Britney/Christina feud/"We're not in a feud!"/"We're totally in a feud" is way famous and awesome: Popstars (one talented, one...fun), their fans who hate each other, breast implants (obvious and rumored), bad weaves, etc. The only thing missing was a dis song and I'm grateful we never got one, because I'd have asphyxiated from the awesome.

I mean, sure, technically the feud was one-sided (I maintain that this is because Britney is not always functioning enough to carry on a feud) and sure, Christina feuds with everybody from Mary J. Blige to Pink to Kelly Osbourne to Jennifer Love Hewitt, but still, wouldn't you do the same in her position? Anyway, even if she wasn't as, er, vocal about it, you know that Brit hated Xtina because she won the Grammy and she had a better voice and has been planning revenge. This form of revenge is so diabolical and somewhat clever that I don't know that it's entirely possible, but I know that Brit's raging hatred for Xtina will cause her to do crazy things like that. Can we talk about Xtina for a sec? Her wedding was so awesome and over the top and her, and I just adored it. PLUS! Justin Timberlake was there! Bwah! Considering that she looked gorge, had Brit's ex at the wedding and married someone normal, I think Chrissy won this round, cover of People be damned.

Why does Kevin Federline insist on wearing cornrows?

Can someone--anyone--answer that for me? Because I don't get it.

Why would anybody, new mom or not, want to take appearance cues from Britney?

I mean, it's admirable that Britney wants to teach new moms how to look hot again, but I'm a little wary of taking advice from someone who went out in public looking like this...without the excuse of being pregnant. Um?

If I wanted to lose baby weight, the person I would want tips from is Heidi Freaking Klum. She just had a baby and she looks like that! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

Why has nobody taught Britney the basics of weave maintenance?

I know that Kevin "Freeloader" Federline is spending all of her money, but she has to have enough left to get that shit taken care of. There is no excuse for that. None.

Why does Britney want to ruin her entire career?

Okay, I like Britney. "Slave 4 U" and "Toxic" are gifts to the human race on par with the invention of electricity. But nobody--nobody--nobody can claim with a straight face that Britney can sing. She can't. She just can't. I don't think she even remembers how to pretend to try. And that's okay. I ain't mad at ya, Brit. She usually sticks to what she knows (heavily synthesized vocals covered up with skimpy outfits) and works it. So whyyyyy is she thinking about replacing Christina Applegate in Sweet Charity? WHY?! Is her desire to one-up someone named Christina A that great? Does she want to sabotage herself that badly? I can't believe that she is seriously entertaining the thought of singing in front of people? That is so far out of her league that I can't even wrap my mind around it.

Why is Britney married to Kevin?

I know that nobody will have an answer for me, but I keep looking for little glimmers of sense and am coming up empty. Maybe he cleans up nicely for photographs?

No amount of therapy will ever make that picture right.

He's not good looking, so maybe he makes up for it in other ways? I turned to GQ for confirmation (Aside: Why is 50 Cent a man of the year? Unless society has become appreciative of bulldog looking bitches and I haven't been informed). GQ was, as ever, a help.

Since he's ugly and untalented and unemployed (as excellent a trifecta as there ever was), he surely has to be a doting housekeeper!

Details: Picks up after himself?
Kevin: Sometimes. You know how it is. Guys don't really pick up after themselves.

Details: Excels at some household task?
Kevin: Pressing the TV buttons. Yeah, dude. That's like the number one thing.

Hmmm...well, since he's ugly, untalented, unemployed and slovenly, he must be willing to let Britney do things she enjoys, right?

Details: Sits through Sex and the City without complaint?
Kevin: She'll watch the reruns even after she's seen the damn thing a hundred times. And I can't watch that. I'll sit there with her, but I ain't paying attention.

Details: Relinquishes control of the car stereo?
Kevin: That'd be one of them where the fights come in from time to time. I can't listen to Hilary Duff and Kelly Clarkson all the time

Huh. Well, then he must be romantic, definitely.

Details: Performs thoughtful gestures, such as buying flowers?
Kevin: Oh yeah. I'll call up the fucking florist before I get a hotel room for us and have them stock it with flowers and a card saying something. You've got to keep it interesting, man.

Oh. Well, since he's ugly, untalented, unemployed, self-centered and oafish, he at least makes a concerted effort to spend his wife's money on reasonable items.

I designed our backyard. We've got a pool, a grotto, a barbecue area. But the key piece is the shark tank. It's probably like 600 gallons. A flat-screen TV comes up in front of it. It's like a tropical paradise back here, man!

Why are women so willing to let him impregnate them? I am honestly wondering if Bobby Brown wouldn't be a step up for Britney.

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that Britney has turned into the parody she played way back on Saturday Night Live when she was clean and cute (It was on E! last night, I don't have SNL sketches memorized and categorized in my head [except for the Derek Jeter episode because that was brill cubed]). There was a sketch called Morning Latte, where she played a stank ho ex-Mouseketeer complete with dingy wig. Who could have known then that we were actually looking into the future?

All Hail The Queen

2005-11-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

Before I was allowed to graduate from college, I had to take a performance course. Nobody could explain to me why it was a requirement, only giving me the vague explanation that it is part of the school's history and that the nuns valued it (?), but cheerfully pointed out that I didn't have to take an acting class, I could take Oral Interpretations of Literature, which was much better because you don't need costumes and it sounds vaguely pornographic.

Traditionally, the class was about teaching you tools with which to properly read aloud poetry, drama and literature, but my particular class was taught by an adjunct, which everybody knows is just a keyword for "renegade". And since he had already planned on not coming back, he threw caution to the wind and mainly we spent a semester telling stories and doing one somewhat literature-oriented project about Hamlet, which was observed by the head of the English department and which led to a near hysterical spiel of mine in which I likened George W. Bush to Claudius and passionately denounced his love of chicken fingers and confetti. It didn't make any more sense at the time, don't worry.

One of our final assignments was to be given a random word of the professor's choosing and discuss its meaning and importance and relevance, all of which would be fine if it didn't have to be done onstage and if my chosen word wasn't salacious. Other people had interesting words (popsicle and beans are the only two that I remember at the moment) and there I am with salacious. The most important thing to note is that I am one of the least salacious people on the planet. Plainly speaking, I am uptight. So acting out salaciousness was not going to happen, because I am just not wired that way, and I decided to just talk about being salacious. So what could I do, I wondered. I didn't want to spend the entire time talking about The Wife of Bath, because I wanted people to be awake, and then it hit me. Who is the most salacious, provocative and amazing person of all time?

MADONNA!

Okay, fine, so she doesn't have anything to do with literature. Whatevs. I told the class that I loved Madonna and would choose her over anyone in the universe, and they all laughed, but I was being completely and utterly serious. I then ran down her greatest and most salacious moments, including

Humping the stage in a wedding gown singing "Like a Virgin" at the VMA's

Having sex with the black Jesus in a church pew and experiencing the stigmata in the video for "Like A Prayer"

The Sex book

Erotica, which I felt uncomfortable asking my parents for and had to turn to black market sources in order to acquire it (by black market, I mean a pop-culturally challenged relative)

And so on. I was met with equal parts amusement and confusion, but that's how most people view conversing with me.

What was the point of that vignette, besides serving as therapy for a months old trauma? To ramble about Madonna, of course. For those of you who haven't yet picked up Confessions on a Dance Floor, you have to. Immediately. Like, seriously. It's everything you could ever hope a pop album would be, it's the kind of music that makes you want to just drop everything and dance, which is problematic if you are listening to it in public. The woman (who is 47OMG) looks better in hotpants and fishnets than most of us do in regular clothes. She's astounding.

Olivia recently had the privilege of seeing her perform in person (I sketched out an elaborate plan to fly to London and steal her identity in order to go myself, but my passport wasn't in order, damn it) and confirmed that she is beyond amazing. Brilliantly, she summed it up with "It was so bizarre, like she's Madonna and she's fabulous anyway, but watching her go, in a footstep, from Madonna to....MADONNA, head high, doing the Madonna stride onto stage, was just...magical." And despite my not being present (as I shake my fist at fate), I know exactly what she means.

I tried one day to look back upon my life's events and trace the genesis of my obsessive Madonna devotion and came up empty, as far as a particular moment goes. I think that it is just in my blood, though. I was born a year before her infamous VMA performance and I had parents whose brilliant idea of hands on parenting was to put MTV on and let me watch it, so one of my inspirations as a toddler, even, was Madonna. She was just an ever-present constant in my life. As I got older and more aware of things besides myself (well, to a degree), she was still everywhere. At camp in first grade, our group did a dance performance to "Like a Prayer", which basically consisted of standing like the choir from the video and clapping, with the occasional twirl tossed in. She was in A League of their Own which was and still is one of my favorite movies. And as my peers veered more and more into the world of new music, I remained firmly entrenched in the 80s, continuing to listen to her even when everybody else (in the tony suburbs) was repping Biggie and Tupac. I think it has something to do with being named after Mallory Keaton or osmosis, or something. I also distinctly remember sitting next to my radio for hours waiting for Z100 to play the world premiere of "Frozen", forgoing plans with friends and dinner, but that is more sad than anything.

I think she is just so important and so tremendous and I once had a near thesis length essay about "What Madonna Means To Me", but then I realized that some things you can't even put into words, and that's how I feel about Madonna. She's just so amazing, and so good at music and just being a celebrity and she seems so smart, and savvy and, well...go buy Confessions, and maybe you can understand if you don't already and if you do understand, you should have purchased it already!
****
I think we should also take a moment and pour a 40 on the carpet for Lisa, the possibly alcoholic and definitely crazy contestant eliminated last week from ANTM despite having the most consistent portfolio of anyone and being miles better than Kayla. Haters may point out that she looks to be approaching sixty and that she urinated in a diaper, but still. Let's remember Lisa for the brilliance that she gave us: "Have a Cookie"

Indeed we will, Lisa. Indeed we will.

Speaking of Top Model did anyone else watch the Tyra and Naomi throwdown on Tyra's talk show? Talk about anticlimactic. For someone so fierce and insane, Naomi was subdued and didn't fall for Tyra's high schoolish ploy to fight. I suppose that's what they mean when they talk about "taking the highroad" and all that. Oh, well. Maybe one day there will be the catfight I've waited for for so long, instead of this bizarre hugging and "We're all sisters" stuff. I'm just saying that Tyra should look out when she's in the dark.

The Gadfly's Guide To Celebrity Siblings

2005-11-13T12:35:00.000-05:00

As the old saying goes, nepotism ain't no thing (--Aristotle 334 B.C.). Throughout the course of history, people have been getting plum assignments and cushy jobs based on who their father or sister happened to be. It's not like this is a particularly groundbreaking development or anything, but the nepotism running rampant in the industry today is just amazing, particularly because the siblings who benefit from their more famous brother or sister are even less talented than the one who came first. I mean, at least Robert F. Kennedy turned out to be good, you know? That made it sting a little less. But now it has led to tragedies like Aaron Carter's career and I can't get behind that.

Lame celebrity siblings are hard to tell apart, so I thought I'd keep you informed of this pressing issue, should it ever come up in conversation. We'll go in alphabetical order to be fair. These sad creatures need a break sometimes, you know?

Aaron Carter
Brother: Nick Carter, member of the Backstreet Boys; the "cute one"
Claim to fame: Being the center of the feud between Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff

Oh, Aaron! I am morbidly fascinated with the young Mr. Carter because it's so rare to find someone so repulsive on every level. I mean, you start with the fact that he and his brother live with their mother on a compound, as evidenced on Cribs. Compounds are only for cults and Kennedys, everyone else with a compound is just freakish. The family itself? Icky. Mama Carter is almost positively a meth addict and their sister was arrested for shoplifting jewelry from a drugstore. I know the Backstreet Boys got screwed over by their management, but Nick couldn't give the girl some dough to get a bracelet at Claire's? Secondly, his music, as it were, is the nadir of, like, humanity.

It's like boom (boom)/I put it in the hoop/Like slam (slam)/I heard the crowd screaming/out jam (jam)/I swear that I'm telling you the facts/Cuz that's how I beat Shaq

He's also delusional

I've been seeing a couple of people. There was a Hawaiian Tropic model I was seeing named Monique....we're just friends now. I'm not going to tell you, "Oh, looks don't matter." If you don't look good, get away from me!

I'm thinking he should not be so quick to bust out with the ugly calling. He's also famous for being friends with Michael Jackson which...yeah. I don't know that he has a career to speak of anymore ("That's How I Beat Shaq" is seriously the only song of his I know of), and he's basically coasting on being the lothario who got with Lindsay and Hilary, who, I'm sorry, should kiss and make up and unite in order to destroy this vermin who played both of them. He's the type of guy you pretend you never dated, let alone instigated a feud because he cheated on you with someone. Shudder.

Ashlee Simpson
Sister: Jessica Simpson, singer and star of Newlyweds
Claim to Fame: Do I even need to go there?

Packaged as a punk rock (?) version of her sister Jessica, Ashlee started her career like all true punk rockers do: as a cast member of 7th Heaven. Too punk rock for the Camdens, Ashlee ditched the blonde hair and came back with a new black 'do and a screechy, caterwaul filled album that was a hit (?). Apparently, Americans like to be reminded that, no matter what their faults, there is someone less talented than they are. She even had a reality show, just like her sister Jessica where she wasn't quite as dumb as Jess, but wasn't as bright as the manila folder on my desk right now. Now a big-time sleb, Ashlee is asked to be on SNL where, well, we all know what happened. She then got booed when she performed at the Orange Bowl.

AND YET. She did not remain the laughingstock of the world. How is that possible? I don't know. We live in a time where people turn a blind eye to lies about weapons of mass destruction, so I guess we can also look past lip synching. Though, if she's going to lip synch, couldn't she have gotten someone to sing for her? I don't know why the Simpson girls think what they do (Ashlee--screeching, Jessica--screaming) qualifies as singing. Anyway, Cosmo was all over that shit and named her their Fun Fearless Female of the Year for 2005 because that's something that, as women, we should all aspire to. O...kay? As Jessica gets more famous and sleeps with the entire cast of Jackass, so too does Ashlee, who had another #1 album, proving that one should take an IQ test before purchasing music. Hilariously, the new trend Ashlee is attempting to usher in is being mean to food service people.

Bitch, stop talking to me! I'm nice!

Is, like, poetry. Better than all of her songs combined.

Bijou Phillips
Sister of Chynna Phillips, daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas
Claim to Fame: Wino

Bijou is a weird case, as she's not technically famous because of her sister, but since Chynna brought the world "Hold On", I think she has coattails worthy of being ridden to fame. Bijou is a drunk, sleazy freak. That about sums it up. She's BFF with Paris Hilton, she dated Sean Lennon and she wears dentures. As a kid, she needed dental work and her parents were too strung out to send her to the dentist, so her teeth rotted out and she got dentures. That's sort of tragic, I think, but it doesn't make her any less annoying. She gets into bar fights a lot. I'm a lover, not a fighter, so I don't think that's quite the best way to pass the time, but I don't know what else she'd do. I guess a hobby is a hobby.

Dannii Minogue
Sister of Kylie Minogue
Claim to Fame: "I Begin To Wonder"; appeared in the touring Grease: Arena Spectacular

My love for Kylie knows no bounds and nobody can touch her, not even someone who shares her DNA. While some of her songs are catchy, Dannii is just simply not what her sister is, will never be, and she should learn that, move on and go by her given name, Danielle, and not this bastardized nickname. What next, Dannnniiiiyyyyeee? Please. She posed for Australian Playboy right around the time that she had massive plastic surgery. Smoove, D. To sum up: KYLIE4LIFE!

Elle Fanning
Sister of Dakota Fanning
Claim to Fame: Being Dakota Fanning's sister

She's like Dakota Fanning, except younger! She's been in several of Dakota Fanning's movies! I don't know why this somehow makes it okay for Us Weekly to bold her name while discussing her, but there you have it. Expect her to be trotted out when Dakota becomes more of an irritating know-it-all than an adorably precocious kid. I think she's wearing a poncho in this picture...

Haylie Duff
Sister of Hilary Duff
Claim to Fame: Playing Summer in Napoleon Dynamite

I can't even coherently talk about Haylie Duff because I am so irritated by the fact that she claims to be two years younger than me. She looks ANCIENT. I know it's not her fault that she has that nose, but she could at least invest in anti-aging cream or something, because she looks twenty the way that Janice Dickinson looks fresh faced and natural. Haylie's CV is tragic

has appeared in several episodes of Lizzie McGuire, which stars her sister Hilary Duff. She has also appeared on another Disney Channel show, That's So Raven, and on other TV programs including Joan of Arcadia, American Dreams, Boston Public, and Chicago Hope. She wrote two songs for her sister's album Metamorphosis, "Sweet Sixteen" and "Inner Strength", and she also sang with Hilary on a 2004 cover of The Go-Gos song "Our Lips Are Sealed".

That's so sad. I can't believe that appearing on That's So Raven is now being used as proof that someone has a career. Wherever Hilary is, Haylie's with her, usually carrying a rat dog and being annoying. Everything about her is just so...very. Very old and very icky.

Jamie Lynn Spears
Sister of Britney Spears
Claim to Fame: Freakish Britney doppelganger; star of Zoey 101

You know for damn sure that Lynne Spears thanks God every night that she had another daughter to trot out once Britney gave her the finger and married Kevin Federline. When Britney's bank accounts are drained by K-Fed's do-rag budget, she'll still have residuals from Jamie's show on Nickelodeon to survive on. Which...is kinda good. If you are into the Nickelodeon thing. It's not, like, wretched or anything, which is more than I can say for most of the people on this list. She does look just like her sister, right down to the dye job and heavy makeup.

Lynda Lopez
Sister of Jennifer Lopez
Claim to Fame: CBS Local Weekend Anchor

It must suck to have a sister like Jennifer Lopez who does EVERYTHING, making your appearances on VH1 shows and E! News Live seem sort of like starring in a community theater production. Such is the life of Lynda Lopez. She has an awful lot of teeth, doesn't she? As anyone in the tri-state area knows, Lynda is damn near annoying. She also dated Chris Booker, from the TV Guide channel, which is embarrassing, yet still a step up from Marc Anthony.

Nicky Hilton
Sister of Paris Hilton
Claim to Fame: Dancing on tables; Vegas wedding; "handbag designer"

It's sort of unfair to lump Nicky Hilton in with these wannabes since she and Paris became famous as a team, The Hilton Sisters(TM), but when Paris got well known she left her sister behind. Nicky is...well, okay. Paris is striking, you know? Using the Newsradio definition as well as the fact that she just looks odd. But she's noticeable. Nicky, though? Well, she's got pretty hair. Shame about the face. Anyway, as Paris started to sleep with everybody and videotaping it, Nicky wanted to be noticed too, damn it. She started by dyeing her hair brown. Edgy! She then started designing handbags. Those bags are worth hundreds of dollars like Haylie Duff looks twenty. When that didn't work, she got married to a man named Todd Meister who looked like the sleazy guy who watches you work out at the gym. Ew! They got an annulment. Now she is dating the brother from Unhappily Ever After while Paris boozes with Greek shipping heirs worth billions. It's sad, but so fitting for a celebrity sibling.

Solange Knowles
Sister of Beyonce Knowles
Claim to Fame: Getting knocked up

Sure, it sounds vulgar when I put it that way, but who the hell knew who Solange Knowles was before she got pregnant? A whole lot of no one, that's who. Her Wikipedia biography is the sort of biography one would write for the playbill of the high school production of My Fair Lady

Solange also appeared on the Destiny's Child holiday album "8 Days of Christmas", (released in 2001), singing back up vocals on "Little Drummer Boy".

The album debuted in the top 50 of the U.S. Billboard 200 albums chart.

You know damn well that album debuted at #49 and sank to #163 immediately.

Poor Solange. Her father busted out all the stops for Destiny's Child and ignored her. Aww.
***
So there you have it. The near definitive list of wannabe celebrities. Just in case it ever comes up in conversation. I live in fear that Eva Longoria has a sibling with an even more insane desire for fame than Eva, which means that there will be two Longoria's on every magazine page, billboard and television show in the world which is scary.

Vitriol

2005-11-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

I don't have the most discerning standards in the world when it comes to certain things including music, movies, television, and magazines. My taste in food and men, however, is impeccable.

(This is not the time or place to make fun of Hostess SnoBalls or the size of Tom Brady's head, okay? It's just not)

My taste in literature is a little questionable. As an English major, I have learned to appreciate most of the classics, and there are certain highbrow books that I will defend to the death. At the same time, I am not saying that I am above reading fluff as a way to spend the time, because I theorize that reading dense classics all in a row will cause brain damage and lead to an early death. I also think that something like Shopaholic Takes Manhattan is more fitting for a trip to the beach than Anna Karenina is (Let's pretend just for the moment that I actually enjoy the beach. Work with me). Chicklit, as they call it, I guess since cutesy books deserve cutesy names, is generally not worth stressing over.

However.

There are some books that are so wretchedly awful that it actually infuriates me that they were published. Patently offensive and poorly written? SIGN ME UP! I feel the need to rant about some of these books to you because a well meaning soul gave me one yesterday and I nearly had a heart attack when I was finished reading it (in one sitting, as I kept turning the pages in horror, assuming that the author would finally admit to creating a parody).

Elegance, by Kathleen Tessaro seems promising at first glance. The premise is that a woman finds a copy of a manual for achieving elegance from the 1950s, when such a book was all the rage. The narrator, Louise, decides to make it her new bible (and refers to it as such). We then track her progress as she goes from frump to fab. Isn't that exciting?

I wasn't expecting Fitzgerald, you guys, I really wasn't, but I don't understand why any author would create such an unstable, unlikable character and hope that readers will be interested in what happens to her. Louise is frumpy, self conscious and surrounded by models. That's semi-relatable, at least; we all know the feeling of being with people who seem really perfect and make us feel dowdy in comparison. She's emotionally and physically distant from her husband, who, as it turns out, is gay. In their climactic breakup scene, Louise takes what could be righteous anger and turns it into nonstop cruelty. You...go girl? Louise then makes herself over, and reads Vogue in order to get fashion inspiration, becoming both prostitute-like (wearing a micromini and gold glitter to the Ritz) and cruel (being mean to her roommates who only want to help her) in the process. Which you could almost, almost, almost explain away if the character were young, but she is 32. That's the type of age where it's sort of mandatory that you become aware of what is going on around you.

The supporting cast of characters is poorly written and highly stereotypical, from the gay best friend to the shrewish mother-in-law to the dim but pretty new friends that Louise acquires after making herself hot; no pretty person would ever willingly associate with a fattie, don't you know? The character being miserable while fat (we don't know her exact size but we know she's big enough to be mistaken for a pregnant woman in a "hilarious" scene) and only when she loses weight and can wear Pucci knockoffs is she happy.

Peppered throughout are mentions of looking like one has Down Syndrome with improperly applied makeup (that's...what?), repeated references to looking special needs and multiple uses of the word tard. What? I...am I too PC or something? Because that makes me sort of uncomfortable. Perhaps in an effort to combat the chicklit rep, the author throws in deep backstory for Louise, including an eating disorder, her parents unhappy marriage, her mother's suicide attempt and her abortion. And spends two paragraphs, maximum, on them which...why bother mentioning at all? It's sort of jarring to go from twelve pages of searching for a hat to wear to Ascot to "When I was sixteen, I had an abortion". Buh?

But--there's always a but, isn't there?--bad as it was, it can in no way compare to the crime against humanity known as Jemima J.

I say this with all the power I can muster: FUCK JEMIMA J.

If I stop writing in the middle of a sentence, you can safely assume that I have stroked out or something due to the vitriol I feel for this book, its author and the publishing world for allowing people to read this atrocity.

Jemima J is similar to Elegance in that it follows a self conscious heroine as she transforms into a beautiful butterfly. Jemima, the protagonist, is MORBIDLY OBESE. She has at least twelve chins and her ass hangs off of her seat because it is so big. She's huge! And then you find out that she's 5'7" and 217 pounds.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's not Daria Werbowy, but it's also not the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That's slightly overweight, not horrifically obese. Let me take a deep, soothing breath before I go on.

Jemima is not a virgin, but she might as well be. She lost her virginity in a dark closet, which had to happen because men are so repelled by her obesity that she just can't be seen in the light of day. And male attention? Puhlease. Only if it is of the jeering variety. She spends her free time cutting out pictures of supermodels, hating herself and pining over the suave and amazingly handsome guy she works with.

Then, with the help of a meddling (thin) friend, she discovers online dating. Intriguing! She falls for a man who, as it turns out...is a health guru! LOL! WACKY! But wait...just wait for it. A health god as tanned and buff as Brad (I think) would never hang out with a fattie! So MeddlingSkinny emails a photoshopped version of Jemima to him and he loves it! Then he says he wants her to fly out to California to meet him! HAHAHA! But what will Jemima do???

Obviously, she goes on a crash diet and starts to live at the gym. In the span of three months, she loses 100 pounds (I swear, that's what the book says) and becomes GORGEOUS. It's like diet porn. Readers get a detailed look at how she lost the weight and how her body looks now, with page long descriptions of her concave stomach). Of course, the man who works at the gym is concerned about her (Oh, yes, there are these random passages told from someone else's perspective, I don't know why) but everyone else is just too impressed with HottJemima to care. So HottJemima flies out to California to meet Buff Brad and they have lots of sex...when it's light out! Because she's so sexy!

There's an odd subplot where it turns out that Brad has a fetish where he loves fat women (?) but I am sketchy on the details, because I am too blinded with hate for the fact that the dreamy love interest only notices Jemima when he sees how thin and blonde and beautiful she is. She was a buddy when she was fat and smart (worst combination evah), but she's only worth marrying when she's thin and smart. YAY FOR HAPPY ENDINGS!!!!

I generally don't ask for much, but I am calling upon all of you to go to your local library, find Jemima J and stick a note in it that says DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. It is our duty as human beings to save people the pain of reading that wretched, unfunny and poorly written book.
***
And to make me even more angry and depressed, Arrested Development is officially gone. That sound you just heard was my heart breaking.

Oh, Britters

2005-11-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

Could it be? Could Britney Spears have a spare brain cell rolling around in her frappuccino addled head that encouraged her to make a positive decision? Because some outlets are reporting that she kicked Kevin "Freeloader" Federline out of their mansion in order to get breathing room. A more reputable news outlet, E!, had an item about Britney and Kevin on their little scroller thingy this morning but I was too wrapped up in watching their THS Investigates: Murder and the Media while I got dressed for work to pay any attention and only saw, "Spears and Federline have been married since last year". What could this mean?! Could she really have that much sense? Did Mama Lynne finally get through to her? Was Kevin actually bringing his tricks back to their home instead of discreetly meeting them in the backseat of parked cars? I wonder...

IN BRITNEY'S FAVOR

She named her son "Sean Preston" instead of something like "Chlamydia Robert Federline", "Zethura Valtrex Federline" or most terrifying of all "Kevin Federline Jr."

Cunningly insulted Kevin's rap career, showcasing a wit we have never seen

POINTS AGAINST BRITNEY

Marrying Kevin in the first place

Remember Chaotic? Yeah

Justin Timberlake remains the least cringe-worthy of her significant others. Tragikstan!

I probably shouldn't go on. Logic dictates that the girl ain't bright, but part of me really wants Britney to be a hidden mastermind, plotting the systematic humiliation of Kevin Federline and Justin Timberlake (perhaps even simultaneously), being outed as the real White House leak and embezzling from a Fortune 500 company. That is the same part of me that likes her greatest hits album and watches UPN sitcoms. The dim, delusional part.

***

I was discussing Sienna Miller with a co-worker the other day. Well, maybe discussing isn't the right word.

Mallory: You know, from some angles, Sienna Miller looks like Camilla Parker-Bowles.
Co-Worker: Who?
Mallory: Um, the Duchess of Cornwall?
Co-Worker: No, I knew that. Who was the other one?
Mallory: Sienna Miller. She was in Alfie? She got cheated on by Jude Law? She was on that show Keen Eddie?
Co-Worker: (Blank Stare)
Mallory: She's blonde? She insidiously stole the style of Kate Moss and is lauded as an icon for it?
Co-Worker: Kate Moss the drug addict?
Mallory: Focus!
Co-Worker: The girl who wears the leggings?

That conversation encapsulated so much about the celebrity of Sienna Miller and that one sentence--the girl who wears the leggings--summed her up entirely. WHY IS SHE SO FAMOUS? In their story on America's Next Top Model (or lack thereof, the New York Times offers this critique from a fashion industry insider:

"Vogue is going to run a cover of Sienna Miller...As far as most Americans are concerned, this woman is famous for dating a man who made three flops in a row...She's roadkill but these editors still insist that she can sell more magazines than a picture of Daria."

And I died of laughter. Seriously, I out and out cackled when I read that, raising a few eyebrows in the process (people at work are not used to my showing positive emotion of any kind). It's so true! She's nothing! Less than nothing! Let's investigate:

Bohemian "Style Icon"
Kate Moss did it first and Kate Moss did it better. I, personally, feel uncomfortable living in a world where a girl who hardly ever wears shoes is lauded as fashionable, I'm sorry. M-K Olsen also does the boho look but cleverly mixes in the oversized, bag lady part of it, making it more unique. Sienna? Derivative.

Actress
Can we just talk about the girl's C.V. for a second? She was on a failed FOX sitcom that aired for 13 episodes, and she was in two movies that nobody saw: Alfie (which, fine, I did see) and Layer Cake, and she has a high profile role in Casanova, coming soon. Which...okay, you guys? If she is this famous, where is the mass tabloid love for Linda Cardelini, huh? She was on a (genius!) failed sitcom and should be popular because of that. Is it the taint of ER that is keeping her out of the public eye? I mean, really. Two film roles and a bad TV show shouldn't propel you to the cover of Vogue.

Pretty
Yes, she is. Very pretty, actually. I am notoriously shallow and like pretty things and, normally, would be pro-Sienna just for that, but no. Okay? No. There are other pretty people in the industry and they are not this popular. Can't we give our praise to Zooey Deschanel?

Got cheated on
Is this what is getting her attention? You could say the same for Liz Hurley, I guess, except that La Liz is a)fierce and b)in possession of the dress.

In conclusion: Sienna is boring. Please, media insiders, take note of this and stop putting her on the pages of your magazines. The world will thank you.

***
I am afraid of what will happen when Rent hits theaters. There is a segment of the world scarily obsessed with that show and I am afraid of the prospect that people will be singing songs in the streets. I didn't see the original production, so I don't know if he did it then, but why is Adam Pascal all stilted and British in the trailer? Between that and that damn "525,600 minutes" song, the trailer is a nonstop assault on my fragile mind.

***
The Victoria's Secret fashion show is this Wednesday, which is notable for two reasons. Firstly, it is the last show Tyra Banks will do with them. Tear! Going off to focus on things like the treatment of the overweight in society, Tyra ends and long and lucrative career with VS and you know what? The woman is hokey as hell and really sort of annoying, but I can't help but like her anyway. It's probably residual love for creating ANTM.

Secondly, Caroline Trentini will be walking in the VS show and this disturbs me. For starters, the girl has one expression, which is bitchface. It's just going to be "Here's bitchface in a bra!" "Here's bitchface with ginormous wings on her back!" And--the girl isn't fit for lingerie modeling. In fact, there are few models less cut out for lingerie than she is (I am thinking of Jade Parfitt in particular, mostly because we'd all die of blindness if exposed to her wearing VS goods). Yuck.

***
Big ups to Not (That) Ugly for the new layout. It's bright and fun! Hurrah!

Where I Read People So You Don't Have To

2005-10-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

You're welcome.

The October 31st issue of People was given to me by a co-worker who thought I could use it to pass the time today, as Sundays in the office are notoriously slow. I gave up my People habit a few years ago (except for the Oscars, Best Dressed and Most Beautiful People issues, natch) because I didn't like how it tried to combine fluffy pop-culty stuff with hard-hitting stories of babies who fell into wells who are blind and reunited with the dog they lost while doing a food drive. But I figured that even if it was lame, I didn't pay for it, so I win, in a weird way. Let's look at the cover, firstly.

OMG! A cover with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt! Didn't see that one coming. I like the juxtaposition of Jennifer kissing Vince Vaughn with Brad Pitt acting as a doting dad. It's so...1950's. Anyhoo, we are also going to hear what Nick Lachey has to say about his not-divorce from Jessica Simpson, and we'll read about MURDER. I have to give a special shout out to the People design team, who crafted this cover in Microsoft Word. Very intricate, guys, big ups.

Page 8: Mail Bag! This is my favorite segment of this magazine and the reason it is can be summed up completely by this blurb:

Our story on singer Constantine Maroulis elicited twice as much mail as our cover story

Is that not the saddest thing you have ever heard? The cover story was the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher wedding, which a reader responds to with Congratulations to Demi and Ashton. What really impressed me was that Bruce Willis was at the wedding. It shows he's still close and on good terms with his ex-wife. How many divorced couples can say that?

That's so...it's so People.

Page 9 features the Secret Deodorant ad won by Nicole as a prize on America's Next Top Model. It's very pretty, though I don't think eating ice cream in bed is such a big secret. Then again, that's where I eat ice cream on the regular and apparently that's not normal, so what do I know? On the opposite page is a picture of Christina Aguilera filming a Pepsi commercial and--okay, I love the Xtina, but she really looks like a man in this picture. They couldn't find a more flattering shot? Maybe Britney urged them to pick a photo making Christina look as ugly as possible...

Star Tracks are on page 12, featuring the best shots the paparazzi has to offer. There's Kevin and Britney who--my god, y'all. It's a shot from Trailer Park Weekly. Kevin has his hair in cornrows and Britney has three inches of dark roots in her hair and is wearing a midriff-baring leopard print bustier and a low-rise yellow skirt. Um. There's a shot of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes--both overlaughing!--as well as a picture of Ben Affleck's unfortunate facial hair having coffee with the very pregnant Jennifer Garner. Very pregnant. On the next page, Catherine Zeta Jones looks sexy, a man holds a sword very close to Sharon Stone's head but, unfortunately, does not decapitate her (rats!), Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony share a duet (Seriously, is he dead?) and Russell Crowe is dressed like a matador. Highly disturbing. These pictures are followed by the very pretty Penelope Cruz walking around with boyfriend Matthew McConaughey, Charlize Theron wearing a fedora and Ashanti, also sporting Xtina's drag queen chic, blowing out the candles on her Coldstone Creamery cake. Nelly was there so, in case you were wondering, hip-hop's dumbest couple is still together. There are some more pictures (George Clooney looking suave, Uma Thurman in a brown wig and Denise Richards in a pumpkin patch with Charlie Sheen [not a euphemism]) but they aren't fun enough to comment on any further.

SCOOP is on page 21. I have to type the headline because it is so dumb: Look! Up in the sky! It's Brad! It's Angelina! It's Maddox! All spending a little high-altitude FAMILY TIME. That is just the dumbest thing I have ever read. Why do I not get paid to write dumb, pithy things like that? Where was Angelina's daughter? Is she not invited to family time in the plane? There is also a shot of the painting Maddox picked out for himself of a whale diving into the ocean, but the ocean is green. I don't know, I'm not artsy, so maybe there is subtext that I am missing but I don't get it.

Scoop continues with the, um, scoop on the Nicole Richie/Paris Hilton feud (they hate each other. They have a show together. Chaos ensues), as well as a sneak peek at the new Pirelli calendar featuring Kate Moss who, I swear to god, looks 22 in the picture. Hard living and coke aren't bad for your skin after all! Madonna visited Hunter College to give a lecture (I am so jealous), while M-K Olsen takes a break from NYU. The accompanying photo, of M-K in huge sunglasses with no visible teeth, is sad and hilarious, and if I dressed up for Halloween, she is who I would be. Alexis Arquette will be getting a sex change on TV which is...special. Oooh, weird, as I typed that, "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" was on the radio and, of course, is the song Alexis sang in The Wedding Singer. Now "Take Me Home Tonight" is on which has nothing to do with anything, but I felt the need to give Eddie Money his props. There is a photo of Daniel Craig as James Bond and, sorry, nothing will be able to convince me that he is good looking. There is a Pop Quiz with Heidi Klum and she is just as incisive as you would expect her to be.

Picks and Pans on page 33 gives 3 1/2 Stars to Charlize Theron's North County and 2 stars to Stay. Shopgirl gets 3 and Claire Danes's "note-perfect performance" get singled out for praise and you know what? If this movie leads to a Claire Danes renaissance, Steve Martin will be dead to me forever. The chick can't act, is all I'm saying. There is a side bar about Domino where Faux Domino Keira Knightley says of the real Domino's thoughts on the movie "She may not have shown it, but she would have been enjoying it all". Thanks for the insight, Miss Cleo. Dreamer gets 2 stars and they claim that Dakota Fanning is "astoundingly talented...just keeps getting better" and yet nowhere in the review do they mention the fact that she is either a robot or an alien. Lost gets 4 stars, but I don't watch it so I don't care...Hot Properties, reviled across the board, gets 3 stars which drives home the point that People is shit. It got a better review than Human Trafficking (2 stars) which is a prime Lifetime movie. Prime, y'all. These people are h8ers. Ashlee Simpson's new album "help[s] Simpson avoid the sophomore slump". Not even going there. The book reviews are boring and about things none of you are going to want to read.

Page 59: Tori Spelling's soon-to-be ex wants spousal support and Tori is already shacking up with a guy she met on the set of her new TV Movie (!!!) Mind Over Murder (!!!). Jamie-Lynn DiScala (Why do these girls take their husbands names?) is moving on from her Staten Island stereotype husband, while Pam Anderson records a duet with Bryan Adams.

Page 60--this is what we've been waiting for: Jen&Vince. There are the paparazzi pictures of them kissing. Vince told Elle that Jen is "genuine and warm" and they have been spotted all over Chicago making out. "Filling Brad Pitt's shoes is no easy task. Is Vaughn up for it?" I mean, okay, Vince Vaughn is prone to being bloated, but at least capable of carrying on a conversation, so he already beats Brad there...this article was not as hard hitting as I had hoped it would be! Lame! Basically: They are different! He's so wacky and she's not! He's tall! Brad Pitt was the Sexiest Man Alive! More making out! He's wacky! She was on Friends!

Page 66: "Nick and Jessica: Everything's Perfect". A photo shows that Nick is about a foot taller than his brother and marginally better looking; sad, right? There are random pictures of Italy, where the two went for their anniversary. Not pictures of them in Italy, just pictures of Italian scenery. How budget!

Page 69 has the uplifting story "A Place To Say Goodbye", about a girl in a hospice and as horrible as this is to say...I don't care. That's not why I read magazines! If I wanted emotional stories, I would watch the Hallmark movie channel. Ming-Na (remember when she was Ming-Na Wen? Good times) had a baby, she informs us on page 74. She was in labor for 14 hours. The world yawns.

A KILLER AT THE DOOR on page 77 is about the murder of Daniel Horowitz's wife Pamela Vitale. Very sad, but that headline is so People. There is more feel-good emotional stuff on page 81 ("A Skater's Ordeal") regarding a wannabe Olympic figure skater's mother's death in a car crash. I swear, I saw a Lifetime movie about that...Oooh, it's one of those articles that is told to the reporter. Those are always delightfully cheesy.

Page 88 features the girl from Commander In Chief answering questions about boring things. She has very big eyebrows. There is an expose about Laguna Beach which I pretend to be appalled by but secretly read interestedly. It's such a heinously bad show and yet I can't turn it off when it is on. I wonder if it transmits crack through the airwaves.

The Crossword Puzzle is on page 96. With clues like "Fantastic Four Star Jessica _______" and "_____ Actress (Kirstie Alley series", it's safe to say that you can bust out the ink for this one.

Colin Egglesfield is the Man of the Week (p. 98). He plays Josha on All My Children apparently, and looks like the spawn of a cave man and a member of the Backstreet Boys. This is the best the male world has to offer? Trivia: Arnold Schwarzenegger once complimented Colin's body. With sterling character witnesses like that, who needs real good looks?

Page 101: "What happened to her babies?" It's so wrong, but that made me laugh and laugh. USC student was charged with murder after her child was found in a dumpster (oddly, they capitalized the word Dumpster. Is it a trademark?) and apparently did the same thing last year, which...I have to make a mental note to write about my USC hatred another day, as making fun of Matt Leinart in the same paragraph as a sad story doesn't seem right (but I will say that I hate him and his stupid piggish face).

"BIRD FLUE: IS IT HEADED OUR WAY?". Gee, thanks, People, just what a hypochondriac like myself needs to hear. But we don't have it in America, so this discussion is moot. I guess they just needed to fill a page.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Winona Ryder, Zac Posen, Keith Urban, Julia Roberts and Gabrielle Union!

More lovey dovey stuff about people who lost a home in a fire entitled "Bricks, Mortar & Love". I'm hungry. Page 112 is about Tab Hunter coming out of the closet to the surprise of fourteen people. He had a relationship with Anthony Perkins, who scares me, and is photographed on a tiny pony with his brother as a child. Page 119 discusses the Dover, Pennsylvania debate over evolution in the classroom. To the surprise of no one, it is boring, but I am sure we will be getting reader mail about it! Ewww, "Proud Prinze" (p. 125) wastes precious ink on Freddie Prinze Jr. who has a new show (Freddie), despite lack of good looks, charisma and talent. Why is Sarah Michelle Gellar married to him again? Don't even say "true love". Reading the article was equal parts annoying (because he has NO REASON to be famous) and boring (because, well, you know).

Style Watch on page 129 highlights Victorian inspired pieces, as worn by Taryn Manning, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Swank, fashion icons, all. Kirsten Dunst looks pretty in Christian Lacroix and is rightly named the week's best dressed. Oooh, Victoria's Secret will soon be offering a Naomi Campbell beachwear line, with bikinis emblazoned with the model/abuser's face. Eeee! There is a ridiculously unflattering picture of Mariah Carey in Versave, where she looks to be the size of Anna Nicole Smith 100 pounds ago. I would have sued to get the photographer to give it back to me because it is just that bad, but she's all smiling proudly which...oh, Mariah. Jessica Simpson footwear is now available in stores. The photos that accompany this blurb are predictably hideous. For only $159, you can have ugly shoes too, y'all!

Camryn Manheim has rheumatoid arthritis (p. 137). Whatevs. There is an interview with "Desperate Housewive's Man in the Basement" (That's exactly what is says) Page Kennedy. Where's the interview with Matthew Applewhite (preferably shirtless), huh, People? WHERE?! There is a photo retrospective of Camilla Parker Bowles's new look ("Farewell to Frump?" p. 143) where they pose the hypothesis that her fashion sense is getting better, but the fact that she is wearing a polka dot caftan looking thing and an enormous white hat says otherwise.

I leave you with, quite possibly, the saddest piece of news in the entire magazine, where Andy Garcia responds to the innocent question "Favorite TV Show?" with the eight scariest words one can imagine: "I'm still watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond". I weep.

What a waste of someone else's $3.49. I need to take a shower.

Ramblings

2005-10-27T17:21:00.000-04:00

Were I in an analytical mood, I could make complex theories about the ways in which our dependence on technology is rendering us unable to communicate with one another by presenting barriers in the forms of earbuds, but as I started with my reasoning, I realized that I am not, in fact, an analytical person and, perhaps more importantly, I don't really like people very much, so an excuse to ignore them makes my life that much easier.

Anyway, I realized today that the best thing about having an iPod is the ability you have to soundtrack your life over the course of the day. Does anybody else do that? It can't just be me...right? Because that seems like one of the perks of being a movie character (that and the wardrobe and the huge houses that they can afford on a secretary's salary), to be able to walk proudly through a crowd to the tune of "Freedom 90" or have, like, "Two of Us" playing as you and your best friend drive around. All of this was easy to do with the Discman and the Walkman, of course, but the handy dandy playlist feature on the iPod is so nifty, because you can sort it by mood and then your soundtrack can be for a zany romantic comedy, a tragedy or perhaps the true story of a flamboyant drag queen (Madonna and George Michael are my top two artists, is all I'm saying).

Invariably, soundtracking my life will always lead me to plot out the movie of my life. Sure, the idea of watching a movie about me requires the teensiest suspension of disbelief ("The amazing story of a girl who answers phones, sleeps and drinks Diet Coke, coming soon to a theater near you!"), but that's neither here nor there. Who would play me? Sophomore year of high school, the comparison was Katie Holmes (I had a slouching habit), but due to the impending birth of El Ronita Cruise, I think she's too big of a star to slum it in Mother, Why Must I Get Decaf?: A Lifetime Moment of Truth Movie, so...I'd probably wind up with Haylie Duff. Not even the good Duff (well, as it were). So if I am stuck with a budget cast, Rodrigo Santoro probably wouldn't want to play the object of my affection and Felicity Huffman wouldn't sign on to play my mother. Rhea Perlman would likely still agree to the role of my office manager, though...

What if, I then wonder, E! did a True Hollywood Story about me? It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility, even if I wasn't the subject of a movie, because they're totally slumming with some of their choices lately (i.e., the Jessica and Ashlee Puff Piece, and Jenny McCarthy and Laci Peterson, who has what to do with Hollywood besides inspiring TV Movies that brought Dean Cain back into the nation's consciousness). I hope that the guy would be the narrator. It may make me a traitor to my gender or whatever, but the woman who does the E!THS blows. She tries to be too cutesy and simultaneously hard-hitting, while the man has the perfect blend of investigative fervor and melodrama.

Random "Friend", possibly the woman who used to do my nails, in heinous 1980s garb: Mallory sometimes found it very hard to keep her balance.
Melodramatic Narrator: This was a recurring problem in Mallory's life. There were times when she would fall.
Cue reenactment of some aspiring actress with a shoddy Mallory wig falling over an extension cord.
Melodramatic Narrator: Fall far, and fall hard.

It's at this point in my odd mental brainstorm that I inevitably realize that I need to focus on productive things. If I put as much effort into real problems as I did into choreographing elaborate scenes where an entire movie cast bursts out into "Spice Up Your Life", I would surely have a lucrative career. But, yet, here I am, writing about my neuroses for all the world to see. By the by, I prefer "charmingly quirky" to "straight up psychotic", in case it ever comes up.

I'm not sure what any of this had to do with anything (Besides my as of yet undiagnosed nervous disorder), but I've been dealing with a rampant bout of writer's block, so I felt it necessary to write something--anything!--and the world of celebrity wasn't giving me anything to work with. I mean, if I keep writing so obsessively about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I fear that I am flirting with the very real threat of a lawsuit, not to mention catching the crazy. Everybody else has been eerily quiet, unless you count Paris Hilton, who I will not write about because I feel that we all talk about her too much and are therefore responsible for prolonging her fifteen minutes of fame. I could maybe rant some more about the fact that Jessica Biel was chosen Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive despite being markedly less sexy than, say, Gisele Bundchen, Jessica Alba, the woman who works at Dunkin' Donuts and more. Jessica Freaking Biel, people. The word sexy has officially lost all meaning.

I leave you with a Britney Spears Federline Moment of Zen. It's like she's trying to earn my love back!

Kevin Federline recently brought home some music he’d recorded and he played it for Spears, according to the new issue of In Touch Weekly.

His efforts were “greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed,” reports the mag. “She said his debut CD might sell ‘a hundred, maybe a thousand’ copies if he was lucky,’” an “insider” told the mag, who added, “Kevin looked really hurt.

Hee!

Top Model: An Insider's Guide

2005-10-21T15:56:00.000-04:00

At any given time, there are several thoughts running around my head: baseball, what to eat as a snack, cheesy TV shows and, occasionally, paying the bills. I never said I was deep. To spare my foreign and otherwise bored readership, I will give the baseball chatter a quick break (stopping the break briefly to mourn the loss of Mark Mulder from postseason baseball and my television screen. Oh, Mark. Didn't we almost have it all?) and move on to the glorious hour of television that gets you high on life while simultaneously killing your brain cells. That's right, I am talking about America's Next Top Model.

Top Model is the type of show that people laugh at you for watching; the type of laugh where they snicker derisively and then try to cover it up when it turns out that you are being completely sincere. I mean, sure, it's on UPN. And fine, it's produced by Tyra Banks, who may be the cheesiest personality on television. And yes, it's an hour of stupid people saying stupid things. But what is life for if not to mock stupid people and occasionally marvel at them when they look pretty?

I have recapped ANTM before, but there have been changes in the ANTM universe since then. Oh, don't get me wrong, Tyra is still there, solemnly saying "9 beautiful girls stand before me, but I only have 8 pictures in my hand" at the elimination ceremony. Nigel Barker is still there, being a sexy bitch. Jay Manuel is still kicking around, making me wonder if I should get a defense attorney on retainer, just in case I finally crack and murder him.

Janice Dickinson is no longer part of the cast; I assume that Tyra had finally had it with her zany ways and attempts at molesting Tyra on air and kicked her to the curb, in order to ruin The Surreal Life (well, as much as that particular show can be ruined). She has been replaced by the remarkably well preserved Twiggy, who doesn't say much but occasionally compliments the models in a delightful British accent. Nole Marin was summarily replaced by runway coach J. Alexander, who doesn't seem to like anyone and wears a big corsage with flowers representing each model continuing on in the competition. Hey, I never said the show wasn't gimicky.

Are the wannabes really ever going to be Top Models, as the title implies? To quote Whitney Houston, hell to the naw. There's that whole being too old, fat and short for the modeling industry thing going on, as well as the historical precedent set by the show's previous winners who have gone on to such illustrious paths to stardom including appearing on the cover of Psychology Today, humping a Brady onscreen, visiting the Cover Girl factory and dating Missy Elliott. But if you've familiar with real top models like Lily Cole and Gemma Ward, you know that they still live with their parents, and what would the fun be in observing them home with their folks? That's why this show is so genius, as it puts a dozen unstable girls in close proximity to one another with cutthroat elimination ceremonies interspersed between day-to-day life and they all start to lose bits and pieces of their mind. I swear that at least three of the remaining girls are emotionally disturbed. Somehow, dressing them in pretty clothes and taking their picture makes it entertaining and not exploitative.

So. Cycle 5 (for reasons unknown to me, they insist on calling the seasons Cycles and not Seasons, and stupid things like that don't exactly help me when I am trying to rationalize my love for this show) is the "Bling" cycle. I have no idea what that means. For starters, hasn't "bling" been passe for the past, say, six years? And none of the photo shoots are particularly bling-y, but searching for logic in this show is like searching for Tom Cruise character traits that aren't absurdly creepy. What makes this particular cycle so interesting is that the girls are mostly photogenic. All of them are too old and too short to be real models, of course, meaning that they have no chance in hell of being a real top model, but that's beside the point. Following the fugly catastrophe that was Cycle 4 (though Brittany was gorge), these girls can actually take a good picture (well, most of them) and are entertaining to boot. Let's recap, shall we?

Already gone are Ashley (she offended the judges by saying that her family has a pretty gene), Ebony (eliminated for looking like a man. They didn't say it explicitly, but I'm down with subtext), Sarah (had lips made for pornos and couldn't walk to save her life), Diane (Too old + plus sized + not particularly pretty = bye) and Coryn (Eliminated for being "too sad". I'm sure she knows a lot about sadness and crying because The Crying Game is almost definitely the story of her life). <--Link safe for work, but not safe for life.

So who's next? So glad you asked!
Bre

Bre is cute. She stomps down the runway like a horse, which the judges love, but I don't. She's not particularly stunning or modelly, but she has a really cute personality. I know that counts for nothing, but, hey, that's the kind of world we live in. Tyra's all about the personality, and she is worried that the competition is causing Bre's personality to fade. I think that's a reasonable guess, as the girl was critiqued for having a big forehead and buck teeth, but what do I know?

Jayla

Jayla's shtick is being a former Jehovah's Witness gone ca-razy. She's pretty, and working the pale skin/dark hair/light eyes thing, but this week, during a commercial, she stole a line that Nik was using and when she later learned that Nik was upset, she totally lost it and made a rage-filled confessional about how something big is going to go down if Nik wasn't eliminated, and it was really terrifying. I have no doubt that this girl would cut a bitch while she slept. At the elimination, when Nik was in the bottom 2, she gave an evil smirk that made me realize just how unbalanced this chick is. I then made the mistake of reading her myspace blog, which rendered me blind and dumb. You can try reading it, but the underlying theme throughout is that she's crazy.

Kim

Freaking Kim. Despite looking like the child that would surely be born from an unholy union between Timmy Turner and Alvin the Chipmunk, Kim has somehow tricked most viewers and the judges into thinking she's hot. I'm sorry, I just don't see it. The reason she is still around--it surely isn't her photos, which uniformly suck--is because she is a reality TV gem: A shit-talking lesbian. In the third episode of the show, she hooked up with Porn Mouth Sarah, which was broadcast for the world to see in the night-vision film that made Paris Hilton's sex tape so memorable. And in every episode to date, Kim has either instigated feuds, prolonged feuds or spent her confessional time bitching about somebody. I'd admire all qualities if she was qualified to be there, but she's not. Also, she's all pissy that they are trying to make her feminine, like, hello, dumbass, put your Wesleyan education to use and realize that YOU SIGNED UP FOR A MODELLING SHOW, STUPID, and makes these comments like "I'm masculine" and it's just--shut up, Kim. I can't deal with her.

Kyle

Kyle is the most conventionally pretty of all of the contestants. She's sort of low-budget. She's very pretty, but not particularly edgy or intriguing. None of that stopped Josie Maran, of course, so she's got a shot. She also sounds exactly like the mom on Bobby's World and talks out of the side of her mouth. I do like her, though, just because she is a manager at the Dairy Queen. Could someone responsible for such delicious concoctions be bad?

Lisa

Oh, Lisa. Oh, Lisa. Where to even start? I suppose I should begin by mentioning that she is physically repulsive. There are some times that I have to look away from the screen because I find her so ugly. There's also the fact that she is a wino. An admitted wino. She brought a huge stash of liquor to the show with her and drinks constantly, leading to a conversation she had with a tree in the yard that she named Cousin Itt. I could not make that up. She also constantly criticizes the girls in the house, telling them how to pose or walk, and she and He-Man Coryn came to blows over Lisa calling Coryn too toned (which she is), leading Coryn to call Lisa an alcoholic bitch (which she is). So she's horrendous looking with a heinous personality and yet she manages to take good pictures whenever she is in front of the camera. It's uncanny, really. Did I mention that she talks to trees? She also caused the hot tub to overflow with bubbles and wore a sequined headdress to the judging ceremony. Think about that horrid, sun-ravaged, Picasso face wearing a sequined headdress. The stuff of nightmares. Freaking fruit loop.

Nicole

Nicole is pale to the extreme and looks like Marie Osmond and yet...it works. She's very photogenic and lovely, but incredibly dull. She and Kyle won a contest that gave them the prize of hosting The Fabulous Life of Supermodels on VH1 and girl is stiff as a board. Just boooring. My desk is more bubbly and charming. But the pictures are so good and I can see her on the cover of ElleGirl, so she may just take it all and I wouldn't mind.

Nik

Nik is my favorite, by a mile. I think she's gorgeous and I love her walk, and I think she is just perfect. She's supremely oversensitive, as evidenced by her spat with Jayla, and she has bug eyes, but the total package is awesome.

If there was any justice in the world, Nik and Nicole would be in the Top 2. But since there is no sense or logic used in this show, it will probably come down to Kyle and Freaking Kim, and Kim will win, just to spite me.

So I implore you all to tune in and watch, because it's really fun to watch skinny people have catfights (see: Dynasty) and get screamed at by judges for being ugly. Wednesdays at 8 on UPN, you guys--you're welcome.

News and Notes

2005-10-14T15:06:00.000-04:00

The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes (I refuse to use the term "TomKat" on principle. I may have few standards but I cling deeply to those that I do have) saga keeps getting better every time I read about it (the obvious caveat being that I am easily amused). Since my, er, exclusive interview with Katie's better half, the following details of their unholy union have emerged:

Katie's dad has issues with his daughter being pregnant before marriage

I don't have kids but I'm thinking that my biggest issue would be that my daughter
was marrying an asexual midget freak, not needing a shotgun wedding, but whatevs.

Katie's auntie tells the haters to stop with their rumors: the baby was conceived the old-fashioned way. That is to say: penis in vagina. Which I'm sure is so totally true, as heterosexual men have heterosexual desires, but...do any of you guys run to your aunt after having sex to tell her about it?

Scientology is fucking CREEPY, yo

Tom and Katie are likely to follow the church's "silent birth" guidelines during delivery, which means no music and no talking during the birth, which also means no screaming during the pains of labor.

The doctrine also states that newborns cannot be poked or prodded for medical tests or even spoken to for the first seven days of their lives, believing that babies go through so much pain during the birth, they shouldn't have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could return later in life to haunt them.

What? WHAT? I'm far less disturbed by the plots of most horror movies than I am that tidbit. Talking to a newborn will come back to haunt them? I dunno, it seems less scary than the rotting corpse of L. Ron Hubbard hovering around at all times. And no talking or screaming during labor?! I scream and cry when I get a paper cut. That's horrific. It makes Tom Cruise and his brainwashed sister seem psycopathic rather than just troubled.

I suppose you'll tell me that it's a mere coincidence that they have the same cold, dead eyes and business like demeanor, rather than it being a Scientologist trait. Perhaps an interview with LeeAnne and/or Katie is next on the docket...

Chris Klein breaks his silence and reminds us all why he's languishing in obscurity.

“I’m not lonely. I’ll tell you that, I’m certainly not crying myself to sleep at night, sucking my thumb. No, Dude, I’m out and about.”

"...that’s Tom. He can do whatever the f*** he wants. Who gives a s***? I mean, we’ve all felt the need to jump up and down on a couch. Or not!"

Ha...ha? Was he trying to be clever? That's so--well, A for effort. But honestly, in the realm of disdainful ex statements, it does not even rank on a list topped by Gwyneth's "These are 'Please get back together with me' earrings", her dig at Bennifer saying she doesn't want to whore her relationship out to the paparazzi, or even Jennifer Aniston's "Billy Idol called, he wants his look back". It was just...he seems like such a fool, like he can't tell if you're laughing at him or laughing with him, and the confusion makes him laugh. Then he forgets why he was laughing.

(I'm not saying that Tom Cruise is a step up from him, they are merely two sides of the same upsetting coin)

The highlight of the Katie/Tom gossip is the following "Blind" item from Holy Moly:

It's difficult to work out what the hell is going on in the world of poof-or-not sometimes, but the latest to hit HMHQ asks which not-gay actor and his not-a-beard fiancee may not have told the complete story about a recent pregnancy announcement?

The not-a-beard actress supposedly got knocked up by someone she met in the UK doing promo not long after meeting her not-gay husband-to-be.

News like that makes the world go round. She does look pretty far along, though I guess it's possible that she still hasn't corrected the slouching problem that plagued her tenure on Dawson's Creek.

****
You may be wondering how I dealt with the pain of my soul being chopped into a million pieces by Darin Erstad and Bengie Molina on Monday night. I'm a trooper, you know? I tried not to let it get to me and after that first hour of uncontrollable sobbing, I moved on with the aid of comfort food and The Golden Girls reruns. Few things in the world are more comforting than the visage of Bea Arthur

I was more upset than I thought I'd be. I really wanted Bernie Williams to have a longer postseason in his last year with the Yankees, and I wanted the Cinderella stories of Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon to end with a World Series appearance, but such is life, I guess. A-Rod is officially dead to me, however (as opposed to the previous 80-85% dead to me level). I was screaming every time he was up at bat, "DEREK CAN'T DO IT ALL!1111!!!!1!" until my father threatened to sedate me if I kept it up. I could swing weakly at balls out of the strike zone for $25 million a year too, you Sun-In wearing jackass.

So, battling for the title, we have:

The Chicago White Sox, who are struggling with a curse, much like last year's World Champions. Why don't they have any dumbass slogans to urge America to root for them? Maybe people are still bitter over that throwing the World Series thing...

The Angels, led by Mike Scioscia (who got his ass whupped by an old man) yet without the presence of Bartolo Colon, for better or for worse (better for the eyes of the viewers, at any rate)

The Cardinals, who are just dominant

The Astros, who have the unlikely hero in the form of Chris Burke as well as the overpaid, arrogant, corpulent Roger Clemens

I am rooting for the Cardinals, for two reasons. The first is loyalty to the lovely Laura. The second is completely and utterly shallow: Mark Mulder is six feet, seven inches of deliciousness. I think CLC said it best when she called him utterly lickable. I realize that this, and my weeks long infatuation with Grady Sizemore, make me out to be one of those empty headed, pink hat wearing girls, which is categorically false, but I fully believe that it is only fair to highlight the aesthetically pleasing factors of everyday life.

Up Close and Personal

2005-10-06T18:49:00.000-04:00

I scored the greatest coup in the history of the American media yesterday (if one discounts the importance of Woodward and Bernstein, that is). It all started off innocently enough, with my searching for La Mer face cream when I ran into Kelly Preston. We made the requisite small talk about anti-aging cream and corpulent husbands, and she began to follow me home as I exited the boutique.

Worried for my life and my wallet, knowing that the Travolta family fortune was seriously damaged in the wake of Battlefield Earth, I started to walk away when I noticed a short figure in the distance being gawked at by numerous passersby.

Had she done the same thing to him? I wondered. Was his face battered and bruised after having been attacked for his pocket change?

"Oh, poor Tommy," she said mournfully. "After the big announcement, people just won't leave him alone."

I stared blankly while actively refusing to make eye contact with her, and she gasped. "For L. Ron's sake, you haven't heard? Tommy is having a baby with Kate!"

I looked again at the tiny figure wearing a leather jacket, and, even from a distance, I could see his teeth and marveled at my good fortune.

Kelly and I walked towards him, her arm linked in mine (I later learned that she had been stuffing Scientology pamphlets in my purse and stealing my gum), and I could see the overlaugh in person. He has a mouth made for gay pornography.

"Ahahaha! Yeah, that's right! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! I knocked my woman up!"

His overt heterosexuality was somewhat offputting. He noticed Kelly, waved and extricated himself from the crowd.

"Hey, Kelly. Digging the Balenciaga bag!" He kissed her cheek before eyeing me suspiciously.

I introduced myself politely, adding, "I loved you in..."

"Born on the 4th of July? Jerry McGuire? Risky Business? Minority Report? All of the above?"

I nodded.

"Are you a reporter?"

"Um...sort of?"

"Are you requesting an interview?"

I didn't have time to answer before he said, "All right, Kell, Mallory and I are going to go sit down for an interview--I'm sure she has a lot to ask me about the baby and the engagement. I'll see you around!" He signaled to his driver that he was ready to be picked up. The driver, a handsome man reminiscent of Bradley Cooper, opened the door for us to get in, and let his hand linger on Tom's shoulder for a second too long. When he saw me watching him, he clapped his hand on the driver's shoulder and laughed. "You don't have to push me in, I won't fall!"

He didn't wear a seat belt ("I'm a rebel, and a certified action star", he claimed, showing me the business card proclaiming Tom Cruise: Certified Action Star to prove it), and opened a bottle of water emblazoned with the image of L. Ron Hubbard, taking a large swig of it before offering me some; I declined.

"I tell you, Mallory, it's a crazy world we live in. Can you believe that I had to pretend to have sex with that wench and I didn't get an Oscar for it?"

I laughed awkwardly.

Tom ran his hands through his hair and said, "You know, fatherhood is just crazy. The baby isn't even born yet and I can already tell-" (here, he paused to cackle)-"it's going to be tough."

"Don't you already have two children?" I wondered aloud.

He glared at me. I had the distinct impression that he was going to throw me out of the car, an event that would likely be followed by a photo op wherein he claimed to save my life, but was distracted by something on the street.

"Look! Look over there! It's Jake Gyllenhaal! Do I look okay? I feel so bloated. Should I go say hi? What if he makes fun of how big my pores are? They are really big. I'll just wait, you know? I'll send him a gift basket later on. So what were you asking?"

"Tell me about Katie."

"Kate," he said coldly. "Kate. She goes by Kate. She's great though, you know? She's so special. Just a gorgeous, talented woman. Are you familiar with her work?"

I nodded. "I loved her in...that episode of Dawson's Creek where she was proud of her jailbird dad."

"I liked that one, too! When she and Van der Beek kissed at the end? It was so romantic. He had such great eyes, there was so much emotion in them, you could tell he is a really passionate person."

He signalled to his driver to turn up the air conditioning. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, before grinning impishly and saying, "But, yeah, she's so special. A really special woman. And we're having a baby! Nic was probably like, "Oh my god, I can't believe it.' I wish I could have seen the look on that frigid bitch's face. I'm having a baby and she's banging Steve Bing!" He overlaughed and sighed. "Ah, things work out the way they're supposed to. But yeah, Kate's great. She's so special. We're really happy. We moved pretty quickly--obviously, I didn't wait until she had a ring to put a bun in the oven-" he grinned and poked me in the ribs, which I took as a command to laugh; I did, a high, brittle laugh containing not an ounce of amusement--"but we're so happy. I'm so lucky to have such a special woman in my life. Getting engaged at the Eiffel Tower was so awesome. So many tourists were taking our pictures and I was just so pleased that they recognized how special our bond is. You know the diamond commercial where the guy says, 'I love this woman'? I totally did that! She dug it, she turned red and her eyes got so big, and I held her real tight--real tight--and I shouted to the tourists, 'She said yes! Uh huh! Uh huh!"

I smiled. He pulled out his wallet and handed me a photo. "See, this is us. Hollywood's golden couple. My hand is right by her uterus, where my--pardon the term--seed was implanted in her egg. It was a time consuming process, she insisted on doing it in her room--"

I couldn't help but squeal, "You guys did it?!" I was embarrassed that I couldn't hide my shock. It seemed so wrong. I envisioned test tubes, petri dishes and a copy of Playgirl being involved.

"HECK YES, WE DID IT!" He pumped his fist and held his hand out as though he wanted a high five. I left him hanging.

I was nearly mollified by his display of heterosexuality, but there was something that didn't seem right. "Her room?" I repeated.

Tom didn't make eye contact with me and busied himself with elaborately folding his gum wrapper. "Yes, her room. You know, we wanted to wait for marriage except sometimes, you know, you just can't help your urges and we needed to give in to carnal desires to make love with one another, by which I mean have sexual intercourse. Of the heterosexual variety. Are you following me? I mean hot, man on woman loving."

I was disturbed.

"Yeah," he said, reclining with his arms behind his head. "It's hard being so virile, but, you know, that's how it is sometimes."

"How has Nicole handled the maelstrom of press you and Kate have been getting?"

He glared, but not at me. Staring out the window, he clenched his fists angrily and said, "You just watch, soon she'll be giving an interview to Barbara Walters saying how sad she is that I moved on after breaking her heart during the divorce and woe is me, and blah blah blah, she'll try to be sad but her Botoxed, ugly face won't be able to show it. As if being with me was so awful, when she was still married to me she wore overalls and her hair was a curly rat's and now her sorry ass is the best dressed woman in the world? Fuck that noise, she'd have never heard of Gucci and YSL without me! I was the one who bought her her first pair of Harry Winston earrings and this is how she thanks me? Like I didn't turn the other cheek every time I heard the stories about her and Ewan McGregor, and then all of a sudden it's a problem when Ewan turns his attention towards ME? That's BULLSHIT." He glanced at me, and overlaughed. "Nic and I are great friends, you know? I'll always care about her, I'll always love her. She's great! She's a great mother, and such a great woman, I'm so lucky that I have her in my life."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before flashing me a smile. "Oh, man, Mallory, this was awesome, but I'm going to have to cut it short, I have somewhere to be."

Covered in spittle from his last outburst (the man had obviously never learned the adage "Say it, not spray it"), I nodded weakly in agreement.

"Where do you need to be dropped off?"

"Um, here's fine. Here's good! Thanks for the interview, it was very enlightening."

He claspsed my hand gruffly as I started to slide out of the car. "Please remember that if you need help with anything, to let Scientology lead the way. For a mere $465 a month, you can be privy to ancient texts, dating all the way back to 1968, about thetans, negative energy and Xenu. Please call me if you're interested."

I smiled and got out of the car when I heard him say, "Oh, and Mallory? I have six lawyers, all Harvard educated, on retainer. Just so you know." He winked coldly, rubbed the shoulder of his driver and was on his way.

(Due to a pending lawsuit and a threatening, Scientologist goon sent to my door, I will not be able to share with you stories from the set of Minority Report, what really went on with Penelope Cruz and how much money Katie Holmes makes)

OMG!

2005-10-05T14:49:00.000-04:00

OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!

I can't breathe. The excitement of the day's events are actually making me nauseous.

Tom Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, is pregnant with the couple's child, Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne DeVette, tells PEOPLE exclusively.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hyperventilating. More to come on that, eventually, when my head stops spinning.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***

I'm not usually the type of person who uses internet abbreviations like OMG or LOL, unless I am doing so ironically, and I often refrain from using abbreviations in everyday life, as I am the type of person who likes writing things out, but my feelings on this subject can only be described as OMG with various exclamation points following.

OMG!!!!!

TOTAL SHOCKER! I mean, come on, the way that Nick distanced himself from Jessica starting in the second season of Newlyweds and the way that he openly disdained her idiocy in the series premiere? I took that as a sign that he really cared. And when the rumors started flying fast and furious that she was all up in Johnny Knoxville's business and hooking up with her personal trainer, and she sent her daddy to the media to deny it, I was placated, because that's what I would do in a situation like that, you know?

I have not been this shocked and upset since the first time reports of their divorce were spread all over the world and E! before they were retracted and the world got to see forced photo opportunities with the two forcing smiles but not being able to hide their dead, dead eyes.

It's a sad day when cavemen and women with the brain capacity of an amoeba or similar organism can't make it work.

Nick and Jessica's dad have both issues statements denying the split, but I mean, how many times can we go down this road? If there are reports that a marriage is ending EVERY MONTH, isn't that basically a sign that the marriage isn't so happy? Really.

I am bracing myself for the inevitable "I love Nick with all my heart, and we will always be friends, but things aren't working out" interviews with Jessica on ABC, NBC and CBS in between "Jessica done me wrong" songs and videos a la "Cry Me A River" and Jessica's inevitable response songs featuring Ja Rule.

Just for the record, I am firmly on Team Lachey. I mean, if I had to pick sides, as my feelings on him range from irritated to indifferent, so it's not like I am a 98 Degrees fangirl or whatever (that video with the Golden Gate bridge always gave me a headache and I worried that I'd have a seizure watching it), it's just that Jessica, her sister and her father creep me out in more ways than I thought possible.

Speaking of, Ashlee is slated to be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Going back to the scene of her infamous disaster seems to me like she is once again being the family's sacrificial lamb. Like it wasn't enough that she was born uglier than her sister, neglected by her parents and saddled with the name Ashlee, she's the one the family throws under a train whenever something goes wrong. You just know that if Jessica was caught lipsynching, Papa Simpson would have crafted the most brilliant defense in the history of ever, while he gave Ashlee a half hearted Acid reflux story. Weak.

There's probably going to be a "clever" skit regarding her talentless hack woes of last year sandwiched in between skits where Horatio Sanz is not funny. Appointment TV right there.

While on the subject of the evil Simpsons, I'd like to remind the world that Joe Simpson is a horrible person, not least for bringing the show Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive to the airwaves. It's on E!, so I don't exactly have to watch it, but I do, and then I get sucked into these episodes of reprehensible people being annoying and I wonder why people like that exist and then I get angry and my blood pressure goes up and soon I'm going to have to be MEDICATED and it will all be Joe Simpson's fault. Harrumph (Please imagine me storming away angrily).
***
But I'm back to report that Lindsay Lohan was in ANOTHER crash caused by the paparazzi. Um, paparazzi people? Hi. I love celebrity pictures as much of the rest of the world, but is it worth it? Is it worth crashes and being run over by Lynne Spears just to take a picture of Lindsay Lohan looking messy or Britney Spears morphing into Baby Jane, drinking a frappuccino? I'm thinking it might not be.
***
Also, America's Next Top Model is on tonight. Cycle 5 Features Tyra Banks and a hair color found in nature, the remarkably well preserved Twiggy judging, a hot Nigel Barker judging, a lesbian contestant who looks like Timmy Turner from The Fairly Oddparents and an admitted sociopath. Please stay tuned for the recap.
***
Ahahahah! A class action lawsuit against Dr. Phil. Hilarious. Dr. Phil is one of those people that I will never, ever feel bad about hating.

The Showdown In Beantown

2005-10-02T13:25:00.000-04:00

My father has said the above roughly 746 times in the last 72 hours (though he's been conspicuously silent following the Yankees clinch of the AL East), completely pleased with his originality. He's likened the Yankees/Red Sox series to the Super Bowl, while I've compared it to the 72 hour flu, as I was be sick to my stomach for most of it. Damn fragile nerves!

The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry is epic in my family. Epic. My father has long and complex ties to the Red Sox (I'm sorry, I can't type out "Red Sox Nation" without dying a little inside), while my mother was raised by a deeply devoted Yankees fan who named his daughter, my aunt, Jodi, as in Joe Dimaggio. I suppose that, since I inherited neat handwriting and extreme anal retentive tendencies from the man, it was only natural to inherit his baseball fanaticism as well. For my father, my decision to root for the Yankees was heart wrenching and he has spent the better part of my 22 year actively campaigning for me to switch allegiances, attempting to use the fact that I was born in Boston as cosmic proof that I should root for the Red Sox, believing that the eleven days I lived there for somehow trumps the rest of my life spent in New York. I don't know. He also thinks that Bernie Williams longs to star in the remake of A League of their Own because he didn't participate in a brawl once. Sense is not something highly valued as far as my family is concerned and, apparently, neither is cleverness.

Needless to say, this series was not good for the heart, soul or state of the family. It was ugly following the Yankees loss on Friday and I wound up in tears after an argument over whether or not the way Manny Ramirez watches his homeruns is annoying (I vote yes; my father votes "You don't cry when Gary Sheffield does it, dumbass), and there was a very chilly, cordial detente yesterday during the postgame show when Joe Torre started to cry and I followed his lead.

Had I seen a celebration like this before? Yes, sure, 8 years in a row. But this year was different because the Yankees...well, were wretched for a lot of it, from their 11-19 opening record to the heinous 17-1 losses to the Red Sox to the fact that the Devil Rays were their Kryptonite. But they managed, due in no small part to Shawn Chacon (who?), Aaron Small (???!!!?!), a monster year from Mariano Rivera and the continued success of Derek Jeter. So when Joe Torre teared up, I did, too.

The thing about liking the Yankees is that you get it from all sides. The way that the Red Sox fans regard you is obvious, but you get the same treatment from Blue Jays fans, people in Oregon who don't like baseball and Russian school children. It's an all too familiar mix of terror and revulsion similar, I'm assuming, to the look that you'd get if you admitted to kitten murder. There are multiple books written about how, why and when the Yankees suck, referring to the Yankees as "the evil empire" is commonplace and you know, you'd think I'd be used to it by now and just let it roll off of my shoulders, perhaps with a "Y'all just jealous!", but I don't, and I always get sort of hurt, which is silly, because I'm not on the Yankees, none of them are members of my family and it is just a game but I can't help it.

When I first started to follow baseball, the Yankees were dreadful, except for the shining beacon of light known as Don Mattingly. Such a phenomenal player and, I gather, person that it actually hurts my heart that he doesn't have a World Series ring. But I dutifully watched games and read box scores, and then the magical year of 1996 arrived with a manager the press deemed "Clueless Joe" and a rookie shortstop and, oddly, the pieces all started to fall together, and from 1996 on, they made their way to the playoffs, won three fall classics in a row and it was just such an amazing time to be a Yankee fan, you know? Because for all of the press the Yankees get about buying championships and sacrificing baby elephants to win, the core of the team was a mix of farm grown players (Jeter, Rivera, Williams, Pettitte, Posada) and players who weren't the biggest superstars, but were solid (Scott Brosius, Tino Martinez, O'Neill). And they all seemed to care about each other and have fun and, above all, respect Joe Torre and not act like entitled assholes, and they carried on the tradition of Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle and the rest. Not to mention the most adorable cheerleader in the history of ever!

Have I always been happy about things the team has done? Um, no. Despite his returning to the team this year, I'm still upset over the way Tino Martinez was shafted in favor of the sweaty, large headed Jason Giambi. I dislike Gary Sheffield on principle, due to my strict "No assholes" standards and somebody with so little regard for the idea of a team qualifies there. Do I need to start on Kevin Brown and the acquisitions of Jaret Wright and Carl Pavano? Didn't think so. And remember Chuck Knoblauch, and his uncanny ability to throw the ball into the stands? Good times, good times.

I've tried to explain the above when asked to justify my love, and am usually met with one of three response:

"You're a frontrunner. It's easy to like a team when they have the highest payroll ever"
"Someone else needs to win for a change"
"Roger Clemens is fat"

While I happily concede that last point, I have to say that I've never bought into the payroll theory. I think that, as a major league team owner, you have the capability to finance a winning team and if you don't want to do that, you get a losing team (Big ups to Vince Naimoli). Besides, not every team with a high payroll advances to the postseason. So, to channel the spirit of every Maury guest ever, "You don't know my life!" Letting another team win for a change? What does that even mean? Come on, people, use your heads and don't be foolish.

I personally don't root against a team, though I guess it's easy to say that from up atop my high horse (I do, however, root against players, early and often, so baseball is one more pasttime that encourages the growth of my rampant misanthropy), so I don't fully understand the hatred, and I don't enjoy it, but I've come to accept it, if not welcome it. You choose a team when you're young and, if you have any dignity and character whatsoever, you stick with that team through thick and thin. I've seen the glorious ups of two perfect games and four championships, and I've seen the ugly lows of the Giambi steroid scandal and the unprecedented choke in last year's ALCS. And I still love this damn team.

This year encapsulated all of that. There were nights that I went to bed wanting to pull my hair out because the loss was so brutal--there was that dreadful road trip where I was on suicide watch--there were nights that I wanted to cry because the win was just so beautiful--Aaron Small leaving the field to the tune of "It's A Small World"--to the ones that just made my head hurt, like that bizarre 13 run 8th inning against the Devil Rays back in June. They weren't on autopilot this year like they had been in years past. They spent time in the basement of the AL East, rumors swirled about Joe Torre being fired and as recently as September 10th, they were 4 games behind the Red Sox and they sealed the deal yesterday with Randy Johnson proving that he wasn't entirely useless after all.

So as we look out to the west and the formidable Vlad, Colon and Chone Figgins, who we can never get out, and on behalf of CLC, I say that we can do it and take the Angels down. As the captain says...

The playoffs are so exciting. I hopehopehope that the Red Sox lose today and the Indians win, because a)I loathe Curt Schilling and ♥ Grady Sizemore, for starters and b)I want a one game playoff so damn badly, and the best type of high pressure games are the ones that have nothing to do with me.

October baseball, is there anything better? At the risk of sounding trite...I live for this.

Baseball Has Been Very Very Good to Me

2005-09-27T16:42:00.000-04:00

So. Derek Jeter received racist hate mail which, in this day and age, is really shocking and upsetting (though he remains unfazed by it all, ever the captain).

He is on the cover of the Daily News today with the headline "No Sweat" and there is a picture of him with his head cocked to the side and one eye closed and it almost looks like he's winking so you can look at the paper, if you're so inclined, and theorize that he is winking at you. Which I did not do.

Obviously, this is not the time to be glib, but I feel the need to state, for the record, that should Derek want to really stick it to the haters and start dating the whitest girl in the world (like, nearly translucent*), I am available. I mean, sure, I'm not exactly on par with past flames like Tyra Banks and Jessica Alba in terms of scorchingness but when it comes down to true WASP looks and relative non-neediness, I'm your girl. As a cruel hater (he knows who he is) pointed out, Derek is a true mama's boy and that's perfect! I get along smashingly with mothers! I am squeaky clean!

Pick me, Derek, pick me! Mallory for Mrs. Jeter!

I'll hand out cookies and pamphlets.

This leads almost naturally into the observation that the final week of the regular MLB season is upon us, and it's fun reading and watching debates about who will advance in the playoffs, who should win the MVP Award and how many times in the face Tim McCarver should be kicked**.

Of course, of course, of course, the Yankees and the Red Sox enter this week in a tie for first place and their two biggest offensive threats (Alex Rodriguez*** and David Ortiz) are the frontrunners for the AL MVP. It's the sports media's wet dream.

I can't put into words how sick I am of reading about the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. I can't. I am so, so bored with it, and I follow both teams. I can only imagine how people who don't give a damn one way or another about either team feel. Jim Caple said it best by comparing the two to Ross and Rachel. Hee.

The AL Rookie of the Year race has the potential to be interesting. The three biggest names mentioned most often are Robinson Cano, Gustavo Chacin and CLC's boyfriend Huston Street****. All of them have strong points, though I wonder if Street will be unfairly penalized for having two rookie teammates (Swisher and Johnson), being the son of a man who was friends with Elvis and looking better in a skirt than the rest of us do. Though Cano gives him competition in that last category...

It's almost wrong how amused I am by rookie hazing. I think I'm a bad person, a feeling I have sometimes about how ugly I find Jay Gibbons. I mean, he's a person, I should be appalled by how repulsed I am by him. But I'm not. I'm okay with being cruel.

Oh! To continue on my mean baseball tangent, may I say that I laughed until I cried when I read about how sad Curt Schilling is this season :o(? Because I did.

''Somebody on this team wants me to get booed to make them feel better, and that really bothers me a lot," said Schilling, 38, who hopes to pitch two more years. ''Those are the kinds of things that really make me look at this game and understand that when I'm done in the game, I'll be done with the game."

Schilling said he suspected the same teammate gave an anonymous quote to the Herald last week in which he aired a similar gripe. Citing the lack of a public backlash against Schilling for his subpar season -- the Sox ace is 7-8 with a 5.89 ERA -- the player was quoted as saying, ''When he comes into the game, people cheer him like he's the Pope? You think they'd let Pedro [Martinez] get away with this? Why does he get a free pass?"

Oh. Oh, that's rich. I just got a stomach cramp. Way to make it all about you, Curt.

I wonder who it was. The quote itself is too well worded to have come from Manny, or Cro-Damon for that matter (though he made similar statements when Schilling became the closer over Mike Timlin which worked out so well, huh, Johnny?) Others suspect that it may be Keith Foulke. I dunno, but whoever it is, I will like them for at least a day for hurting Curt Schilling's feelings. The man is worse than A-Rod when it comes to saying stupid things to the press, and I hate his desire to be the prettiest girl at every party.

Then there's the NL, which mystifies me what with its antiquated ways (not really), with the West division offering a champion with a record below .500. They also have their own wild card race between the Astros and the Phillies with 1.5 games in between them, but I am not that interested because I don't like either team and my current imaginary husband Grady Sizemore does not play for either one.

I believe that was it, and I am not sure that any of the above makes sense, but I am in an awfully excitable mood, so I am not concerned with new fangled notions like "sentence structure" and "theme".

*Have you ever noticed that when a celebrity is pale, the media is all, "Oh, her porcelain skin is flawless!" but in real life, people are all, "Walk outside once in a while, Vampira"? That's not right.

**Okay, nobody has actually started that debate...until now. I vote six.

***My father claims that A-Rod is the one sending Derek Jeter the hate mail, because he is perturbed that Derek isn't paying him attention. If you ever wonder why I am the way I am, look no further than him.

****Remember when Oakland was in the middle of this very same pennant race before I started rooting for them, thereby jinxing them? Good times, good times.

The Flip Side of the Coin

2005-09-25T13:48:00.000-04:00

What a difference a week makes. Just seven days ago, I was all happy and looking on the ever elusive bright side, loving rainbows and happiness. A bad week at work, a sore throat, a trip to the mall during which I was nearly trampled on by a stampede of Hot Topic dressed young people and a hangover later, I am shaking my head and asking what on earth possessed me to be happy about things.

Because it's empty, you know? You walk around all smiling and chipper and pleasant, and then it's like people actively try to do things that annoy you solely to see if you can still remain chipper and composed, from writing on your calendar at work (!!!!!!! I don't know if I've mentioned by extreme anal retentive tendencies before, but I am really OCD about certain things and I only write in blue pen on my calendar and some trife heffa comes in and crookedly writes in lime green [!!!] on it) to awarding Doris Roberts her 45th Emmy and it's, like, Uncle, okay? I fold! I give up! I'm not meant to be happy all the time!

So in the interest of equal opportunity, I give you a list of things I hate and a promise to actually update more than once a week. Novel, I know.

The Way The Industry Is Treating Kate Moss
I'm worried about Kate Moss.

I mean, sure, she's not a close personal friend and I don't even know her, really, but watching her spiral out of control in the most gruesome and public way imaginable is upsetting to me all the same.

I have been a fan of Kate Moss for years, even when she was rocking the heroin chic look and making me feel badly about myself on the regular (her Calvin Klein ads, while beautiful, were depressing). I think she's gorgeous (and we all know how easily I am swayed by the pretty), and she's just such a fantastic model. She photographs so splendidly and walks the runway so magnificently, and her sense of personal style is tremendous.

So when she took up with Pete Doherty, I was wary. His drug problems are legendary. And, on top of that, he looks like a very ugly fetus. It's another example of what I have deemed the Britney Spears Syndrome--throwing your money, class and life away for someone who is ugly and otherwise unfortunate. I'm not saying I'd be pleased as punch if Kate had become a crackho in order to date someone like Boris Kodjoe, but it would be easier to take, you know?

Anyhoo, Kate got caught on camera snorting an absurd amount of cocaine in a tiny time span. Ooops? This, of course, follows a lawsuit she filed against the tabloids for claiming she was using hard drugs. Ooops again.

I'm not saying that Kate is a role model, or that her choices were good for the well being of her daughter, but at the same time it's like, hello, did anybody honestly think she wasn't using drugs? She's Kate Fucking Moss, people! She had liver failure when she was in her early twenties! When has she ever been the picture of clean and healthy living?

So then H&M dumps her as a spokesmodel. Chanel and Burberry follow suit, while Rimmel is in the process of reviewing her contract. This upsets me on a purely shallow level, because it means I get to see less of her (and also, Karl Lagerfeld? You're a dick and you store jars of your vomit [!!!!] everywhere. Cocaine use pales in comparison), and it upsets me on another level because it allows nitwits like Jennifer Love Hewitt to start jawing about her. Quoth Love:

I have to say that I think maybe they did her a favour, and maybe she'll actually get help. Coffee's one thing, but coke is another...It's not something you want to really have as a problem in your life. I think we have to kind of stop rewarding bad behaviour and actually start helping people.

Nitwit. Does she think that they mean coke as in Coca-Cola? Because I don't see where coffee comes into play. Also, Jennifer, you're an idiot, you're not as famous as you think you are and you aren't Audrey Hepburn, so just stop trying to look like her. How this girl is not the target of more random acts of violence is beyond me.

Rafael Palmeiro

Did anybody notice a strange smell in the air on Friday? It was the stench of desperation, as pornstache sporting Rafael Palmeiro accused Miguel Tejada of giving him something which made him test positive for steroids.

That's called grasping for straws. I mean, seriously, what an asshole thing to do, dragging Miguel Tejada (universally beloved, might I add) into the mess you created for yourself. It's disgusting, it truly is. The man can't go into the Orioles clubhouse ever again without wearing full body armor. Ugh, it makes me so mad.

My Super Sweet Sixteen

I loathe this show, and yet I can't stop watching it. It's like crack, in television form. Watch as teenagers nag their parents into throwing a sweet sixteen party for them, spending the money most blow on their wedding (if even that). Watch them act self absorbed and obnoxious, using velvet ropes and turning people away at the door. Blink or you'll miss them fakely thanking their parents.

I can honestly feel my IQ decreasing rapidly whenever it is on, but I can't look away. On the mini-marathon yesterday, a boy named Bjorn threw a party. Except they pronounced his name Buh-jorn. ???

TBS Reruns of Sex and the City

For starters, what is the point of airing this show if 40% of the dialogue (85% of Samantha's) is edited? Also, why does Cynthia Nixon laugh like Beavis in all of the TBS commercials?

I understand that the show is a big ratings booster and money maker, so I know why, in theory, TBS got the rights to air it, but the conversations don't make sense and some of the situations are so sloppily edited, and it's irritating. It also exposes Kim Cattrall and her character to a wider audience who then think that they are Samantha Jones and free to wear ugly outfits (I know people hated SJP's wardrobe on the show, but hers is just as bad) and talk constantly about sex, and how much sex they have and who they want to have sex with and blah blah blah. People, she's not real. Stop taking life cues from an obnoxious, fictional character. Samantha grates, big time, which is partly the writers' faults because they gave her such corny "quips", but also the actress's, because Kim Cattrall is an enormous ham.

Hmm. In conclusion, I seem to hate everything and everybody. Perhaps tonight's premiere of Desperate Housewives will change all that.

Like Like

2005-09-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

I've been absent for the past few days. Where have I been, you wonder? You know, acting as Q-bert P. Spears Federline's godmother, acting as an informant for the Mirror, the usual. Pretty standard stuff.

Okay, fine, in "reality", I've been working (let's not go there), watching baseball (Rock on, Shawn Chacon. Ohmigod, I just said "rock on") and hyperventilating over the awesomeness of Jordan's wedding.

I have also decided that I need to be more positive. Actually, that's misleading, as it implies that I had something to do with the decision when, in fact, I did not. I never thought of myself as a negative person, exactly (my listed occupation of "Professional Cynic" notwithstanding), but apparently my constant stream of "I hate people", "I don't like when it's rainy", "How is it that you're not ashamed of having such bad taste?" (In my defense, the person in question rented Welcome To Mooseport) indicates that I am, in fact, a bitter misanthrope who hates everything.

The above is merely half true, and I prefer to think of myself as realistic, i.e., not setting myself up to be disappointed when I learn that the world isn't all about sunshine and rainbows and strawberry alarm clocks but, at any rate, I am here to set the record straight and prove that I do like things. Multiple things, even!

Madonna

Once, when I was asked to expound upon the word "salacious" for a performance class (an ordeal which, in itself, is a story for another time), I went off onto a tangent about Madonna and told the class, quite honestly, that I'd throw them all under a bus for her. While they may have laughed at the time, the fact of the matter is that Madonna is the greatest ever and I mean that with every fiber of my being. I adore her songs, I adore her phase changes, I adored her in A League of their Own, etc. etc. So I'm beyond thrilled about her new album and its retro, bright cover

Eeeeeeee!!!!!

Diet Coke With Lime

There are some days, especially a few over this past summer, when it was too hot for me to even think about consuming hot coffee, which, unfortunately, is all the deli next door to my office has, so I would start my Diet Coke drinking at approximately 8 am (I wound up a shaking, quivering mess by approximately 3:30). What I love about Diet Coke with Lime is that it has the punch of Diet Coke with the zing of a lime without going overboard into insecticide territory like its counterpart Diet Coke with Lemon (also known as "Evil").

Television

You know what I hate--oh, that's probably not the best way to prove that I can be positive. So, uh, you know what I don't love? When people act superior because they don't watch TV. I don't know if they want a prize or something, but it's always puzzling when they share that with me. Anyhoo, this week is very special indeed as it marks the season premiere of Arrested Development, the "Where Are They Now?" episode of America's Next Top Model Cycle 4 (I'm willing to wager that at least three have posed in lad mags, walked the runway at a mall and/or quit the industry to take care of their child), and the premiere of America's Next Top Model Cycle 5 with new judge Twiggy. Huzzah!

Grady Sizemore

In the days following my comment about loving him, he went on a tear. Coincidence? Yes, most likely, but let me have my delusions, okay?

Awww.

Aisha Tyler

Where, oh where to begin? I'll start with the fact that she's 6 feet tall--we tall freaks of nature have to stick together. Also, she's freaking gorgeous. And funny. And...I should hate her for all of that, but she's so phenomenal that I just can't. She wrote an article for the 800th Issue of Glamour all about airbrushing and how looking perfect just isn't what we should be shooting for, and it was fantastic and I have this daydream that she'll hunt down Richard Roeper for his asshole comments about the Dove "Real Women" ads and then come over for a dinner party with Anderson Cooper. My addled imagination is such a great place to be, seriously.

Rachel Fuller and Parenthetical Notations

Jerry Hall's fantastically snide sidekick and Pete Townshend's girlfriend has her own blog. Yay! And if you're not reading CLC's blog...well, why aren't you? You should be.

The Girls' Guide To Baseball Boyfriends

2005-09-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

Having a fictional boyfriend is something that I think most people do, even if they aren't willing to admit it (and if I'm off base here, I'd prefer not to know and remain blissfully unaware that I am, in fact, a freak). I like to think of myself as having high standards--if I were a college, for instance, I think I'd be an Ivy League school. Picky about who gets in, but also willing to bend the rules and inflate the grades if it turns out that they aren't up to the task.

That last sentence seems awfully dirty to me, but I don't mean it that way. Or do I? No, no I don't.

You might ask yourself, "This coming from the girl who admitted to having a crush on John Stamos" and, again, in my defense I WAS FIVE.

When one is choosing a crush in real life, there are certain requirements that must be fulfilled and having a crush on a baseball player is no different. There is a strict set of criteria that I must adhere to when choosing an infatuation:

1. He Must Be Talented

There's a reason why only the emotionally disturbed like Mark Bellhorn and Kaz Matsui. Like, what do you say in conversation? "Oh, I LOVE him! He boots the ball whenever it comes near him, and he hasn't gotten a hit since the Clinton administration, but he's dreamy!"

2. He Must Be Good Looking

Which, I know, is shallow, but if I were to pick crushes solely on talent, I'd wind up choosing from Barry Bonds and his head that is the size of a third grader or, most terrifyingly, pre-2005 Randy Johnson. Let it never be said that looks aren't important.

3. He Can't Be Annoying

A crush on, say, Alex Rodriguez can never be sustained for long periods of time because OHMYGODHEDOESNOTEVERSHUTUP. Every time he gives an interview, it is pretty much a guarantee that he will say something stupid that will be broadcast all over the sports media, like when he called David Ortiz weird, or said he worked out every day when everyone else was sleeping, or I could go on and on, but I'll stop.

As of now, there are five candidates for Best Baseball Boyfriend, but they all have their negative aspects, which I am going to share with you in lieu of writing about anything important and/or doing work at work.

Eric Chavez
BA: .276 OBP: .335 HR: 23 RBI: 88

Pros:

A team leader

Winner of the Gold Glove in 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004. Little is hotter than somebody capable of fielding

Bizarre and bitchy sense of humor; an article I read once called him "charmingly weird", which I think fits. His refusal to give Aaron Small the tiniest bit of credit for the complete game shutout he pitched, and his comments about the Royals ("a really tough team") delighted me in a warped sort of way.

Cons:

Outdated facial hair. I mean, really, Eric, it's 2005, let's put the soul patch behind us.

Derek Jeter
BA: .310 OBP: .388 HR: 15 RBI: 56

Pros:

Before all of the haters (you know who you are) jump in and start, let me just say-he's...aww. He just is, okay? And he can't help it that Tim McCarver is obsessed with him. STOP JUDGING HIM!

He's the Captain! Authority is a good thing.

He comes through in the clutch.

He ♥ New York and playing in New York; he excels while others crumble under the pressure (Shoutout to Javier Vasquez!)

Cons:

Cosby Sweaters. Why will no one hook him up with a stylist?

Grady Sizemore
BA: .286 OBP: .342 HR: 18 RBI: 73

Pros::

Is only 23 (!) but already proving to be amazing. Why don't I hear more about him? Considering that Cleveland is in the midst of a Wild Card race, you think he'd be more of a focal point, but noooo, all I hear about is effing Curt Schilling who irritates me more than I can put into words. I can't even find a good picture of Grady Sizemore and there are enough photos of Schilling's sock to fill a novel.

Cons:

The last name Sizemore always conjures up thoughts of Tom and the Whizzinator

Huston Street
5-1 ERA: 1.40 Saves: 20

Pros:

Handled the closer role with aplomb and hasn't buckled under the pressure

Plays the guitar and manages to not be annoying about it, unlike his dough faced, granola teammate Barry Zito

Neat name

Fantastic ESPN.com column

Cons:

Admitted to ESPN The Magazine that his height isn't actually the reported 6'0, but, rather, 5'10, which makes him a half inch shorter than me. Since I don't actually know him and am not dating him, that oughtn't be a problem but...I'm persnickety.

Still doesn't have the neatest name on his team (that honor goes to Kiko Calero)

David Wright
BA: .311 OBP: .392 HR: 21 RBI: 88

Pros:

Well on his way to completely owning New York, as he has consistently proven to be-what's the word? Oh, right, awesome

Has an excitable, adorable personality during interviews

Cons:

...

...there's got to be one

Oh! That's right, he laughs like a girl whenever they put a microphone on him during games. Like, a girly hyena, actually.

So what have we learned today? Er, don't answer that. I told you all, I'm on a mission to only focus on silly things for at least a month.
***
Pimp Pimp Hooray! For those of you who love fashion and pretty things, head over to Du Plessix for brilliant commentary and pretty pictures.
***
TomKat Watch 9/05

From etonline:

"We don't have a date yet," Tom tells Jann Carlson with a laugh, "[But we have] big, big plans. We talk about it. I really didn't know that there were so many wedding magazines. I said, 'Are you kidding me? There are things for the flowers, the cake, the dresses' ... [He doesn't? Hasn't he been married before? And also, isn't he sort of flamboyant? I thought he'd be into that...-ed.] The thing that I love about Kate is that she's an artist [Bro, she was Joey Freaking Potter], so she actually loves ribbons and she makes cards and creates art [Someone didn't save their Dawson's money if they have to make cards to send to people...]. She loves flowers, and she'll do her own floral arrangements. So it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a celebration."

Tom also reveals that Katie has no problem with him doing dangerous stunts:

"That's why I am marrying her, because she has no worries about that; none," says Tom with his trademark grin. "She's just fun and easy. She celebrates it. She loves it. We show her the cut footage [of my stunts] and she digs it [What year is it? She DIGS IT? How out of touch is this man?]. She's just fun."

Freakshow.

Doing My Best To Ignore Serious Things

2005-09-09T15:49:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to be more shallow and petty than usual, in an effort to take my mind off of the enormous clusterfuck that my country is in at the moment, because reading and watching the news sends me into an utter pit of despair each and every time. The ancient man in a bad wig and pearls who calls himself Barbara Bush claimed that relocation to the Astrodome worked out very well, since the people were underprivileged, the Stepford Wives-meets-The Joker First Lady forgot the name of the disaster she was talking about and is disgusted by claims that her Kentucky Fried jackass of a husband is racist because he cares about everyone! Minorities and puppies and mockingbirds. Rainbows! Shiny! Lalala!. Oh, and Brownie? Not so much with the heckuva job.

If I started to think too much about any of this, I'd give myself another ulcer and quite probably start down the long road of drug addiction, so instead I busy myself with fluffy thoughts just to take the edge off.

Speaking of drug addicted fools, I have developed a severe, irrational and profound hatred of Kimberly Stewart. Which, I know, it's sad that I'm hating on a girl who is barely on any sort of register and whose claim to fame is being a crappy musician's daughter and falling off of a motorcycle on the red carpet, but...she's an utterly loathsome human being and totally worthy of my contempt.

She called Jennifer Aniston "homely" in Blender. Sure, she apologized for it, but the fact that she said it is appalling because, while Jennifer Aniston isn't as beautiful as, say, Christy Turlington, she is pretty. And Kimberly Stewart is ugly. That's blunt, but still. Also, Jennifer Aniston is an incredibly successful actress while Kimberly Stewart is best known for her role as Paris Hilton's second banana.

The Fashion Police in US Weekly recently profiled an outfit of hers that consisted of a bikini top and a long prairie skirt. Think Bai Ling x MK Olsen. That is to say--hideola.

She thinks she's a comedienne or something, making a joke about Heather Mills:

Q:What has three legs and lives on a farm?
A: Paul McCartney and his wife

Ha...ha? People give her interviews and take her pictures, when in all reality, random people on the street are more deserving of the press.

In a related story, what the hell is Paris Hilton doing on the cover of Vanity Fair? Between this and Britney's Elle cover, I am ready to quit. Honestly, stop the world, I want to get off. And! The second most horrifying thing about the Elle cover, besides Britney's Marla Maples makeover, is the fact that they promise an interview with Nancy Grace. "She's not afraid to say what you're thinking"? Um, sorry, Nancy Grace doesn't speak for me because if she did, she'd tone down the crazy eyes and ask somebody for tranquilizers because she's a freaking fruit loop.

Also in my "I Hate..." files? Andy Roddick. Why? I don't know. It's completely irrational, as I hardly even pay attention to tennis. But I was filled with an incomparable amount of glee when he was eliminated in the first round of the US Open on his birthday. To quote Nelson Muntz: HA-HA. I find him exceedingly repellant, almost weasel-like, but to call him a weasel is hurtful to that family of upstanding rodents. Roddick-->Rodent. Coincidence? I think not. And he was totally wretched to my BFF Mandy Moore (remember when he molested her in public?) and I find it personally offensive that he is considered a heartthrob in the world of tennis when there are people like Marat Safin and Roger Federer who so beautifully fit the description of the word.

(This fit of rage was brought to you by the calendar next to my desk that uses his picture for September. I've taken the calendar down several times and it always makes its way back onto my wall. I'll get you one day, Roddick!)

I'm not all gloom and doom, however, as there are certain things that I like. Like, say, the fact that OMG they're making Baby Sitters Club graphic novels. That is almost exciting enough to turn me into a total !!111!32@!1 teenybopper. Almost. Still, that's hella cool.

The clubhouse of the Oakland A's seems like it is the best place to be. Perhaps I'm easy (who am I kidding, I know I'm easy), but I am endlessly amused by how interested in this game they all are. Also, is Eric Chavez writing Bobby Crosby a check while shirtless? Hmmm...

Lastly, I leave you with the news that Kanye West and I are to be wed. Between his outburst last week and his recent crusade against homophobia and his penchant for pastel sweaters, I think it's clear that he's the dreamiest person around. We're registered at Louis Vuitton and Lacoste and Jamie Foxx will do his best Ray Charles impersonation at our reception.

2005-09-06T13:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Diddy,

I never wanted to write you this letter. I thought that our relationship was going to progress smoothly and fabulously and that we'd remain friends, dressed in white with moisturized situations. I'd laugh at your over-the-top opulence and you'd buy me things. It would be perfect.

But...I can't do it. Diddy, there's no easy way for me to say it-I'm over you.

What's sad is that I've stood by you for so long, and did so much for you (by "much" of course, I mean halfheartedly defending you to your many detractors before looking for a diversion), and what did I get in return? Nothing. No invitations to your white parties, no invitation to sit on the board at Bad Boy, not even a coupon to use to buy Sean John clothes. That's cold, Diddy, cold.

You were never an easy friend to love. The corpse of Notorious BIG was like the elephant in the corner that we could never talk about, yet who was always present. And you know what, Diddy? I always liked Tupac better, but I pretended that Biggie was the one for me. It took a lot out of me, constantly lying that a corpulent man with a lazy eye who looks like he smelled was my favorite rapper, but I did it for you because I knew how much his death affected you. I mean, you became the go-to guy for songs about dead celebrities, even eclipsing Elton John's success in that area. That takes real heart.

You gave Lil' Kim an ab roller for Christmas, sending her down the shame spiral that has ended with her resembling a burn victim and I said, "No, he wasn't doing it to be cruel, he's doing it out of genuine concern for her."

What about your music, huh, Diddy? You mumble intelligibly and grunt over old songs and expect the world to praise you. You told us all that you won't stop. You meant it, I think, as a glorious, sample backed rallying cry, but it really sounds like a threat. "I THOUGHT ::stab:: I TOLD YOU ::raise ax:: that we won't STOP ::chop::" But there I was, the foolish dreamer, saying, "But he's Diddy! Can't nobody hold him down! Sampling is great! Soylent Green is people!"

When Jennifer Lopez dumped you on Valentine's Day, I nearly sent you a care package because I was so heartbroken for you. Dumped! On Valentine's Day! While on trial! Sonny standing Brenda up at the altar on General Hospital wasn't even so cold. And then what did you do? You went and changed your name to P. Diddy. I understand wanting to get rid of the "Puff Daddy" moniker, as it inevitably conjures up images of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters, but what is so wrong with being known as Sean Combs, bro?

You went on your crazy "Vote or Die" spree last year, turning people away from the polls in droves since you were invariably joined by freaking Sway when you went to promote it. You dress like a reject from the Miami Vice set and you dance like you have spina bifida, and yet I defended you.

You unleashed Da Band and Dylan on an unsuspecting world. People are still experiencing PTSD over Dylan and his ever changing accent. You didn't learn your lesson after Dream, did you, Diddy? Remember Dream? Do you ever stop by the K-Mart Health and Beauty department to see how they're doing?

Your devotion to The Sexy and your kindness and benevolence in spreading the gospel of ProActiv were admirable. I repeatedly used the phrase "Moisturizing my situation and preserving my sexy" in your defense, as the poet who penned that sentence surely couldn't be bad.

And it worked. For a short time, Diddy, it worked. But not even moisturized situations and preserved sexy can make up for evil like your lackluster job hosting the VMA's this year, or the line from "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" that will live in infamy--"Money hanging out my anus". People have been jailed for less than that.

Wendy Williams claimed to have a sex tape in her possession featuring you and Loon. That was the beginning of the end for us, Diddy. Not that I'm opposed to sex tapes, as they are the In thing these days, and I'm certainly not surprised or upset that you aren't entirely heterosexual (we all know that Farnsworth Bentley holds more than your umbrella. We're not blind), but Loon?! You stooped down to the Loon level? A man who penned "I Need A Girl" has no command of the English language or any idea of wrong and right. That's unacceptable.

The straws that broke the camel's back, as it were, are the VMAs and the trouble you had in Ibiza. First of all, Diddy, I thought that the rule of thumb was that once somewhere is profiled in Vanity Fair, it's just not cool anymore. And yet you were still there. This makes the rest of the world cooler than you. That's like wearing last season's fur coat. You attempted to crowd surf (sooooo 2002) and they dropped you. The people of Ibiza dropped you, Sean "Diddy" Combs. The people of Ibiza would gladly let anybody crowd surf there, they aren't picky, and yet they have no use for you.

And the VMAs. The VMAs. You were---you were boring. And cheesy. And worst of all...you don't even know. I can see you looking in the mirror after the show, listening to "Bad Boys For Life", telling yourself "You rocked it, Diddy, you rocked it. Your sexy was all the way right". I would be able to respect you if you embraced your cheesiness, and became an ironic icon, but as it stands now? I can't. I just can't.

I hope you know how hard this was for me to say. I really do cherish the good times we had together, like the walks down the beach you took in your luxurious bathrobe, Farnsworth holding an umbrella over your head to shade you from the sun and your adoring fans, or your cameo in Monster's Ball and your endearing nervousness as a presenter at the Oscars. For a brief moment, you convinced us all that Polar Express was a pinnacle of musical achievement. Not just anybody can do that, Diddy, and you did. And I was so proud! I prefer to remember you like that.

Stay gold, Diddy, stay gold.

Yours truly,
Mallory

Best Week Ever?

2005-09-02T21:52:00.000-04:00

So, how about that Kanye West, hmm? He releases his sophomore album (to rave reviews, though I don't believe it was that stellar) and then he loses his shit spectacularly on live TV at a Hurricane Katrina concert. Standing next to an extremely uncomfortable Mike Meyers, Kanye ignored the teleprompter and ranted:

I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see a black family, it says they're looting; see a white family, says they're looking for food... and you know, it's been five days because most of the people are black... and even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite, because I've tried to turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before I even given a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager, right now, to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was, if I was down there, and those are, those are my people down there, so anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help with, with the setup the way America's set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible... I mean, this is... Red Cross is doing everything they can... we already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way, and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us

George Bush doesn't care about black people.

I can't tell if his career is over or if he will be applauded for speaking the truth, but damn if I don't have a soft spot for that Cosby sweater wearing fool.

Public Service Announcement

2005-08-31T16:16:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to watch, listen to or read much about Hurricane Katrina without crying. (This, That, Whatever's thoughts about Harvey Jackson, in particular, had me in tears), so you oughtn't look here for any deep, brilliant thoughts or discussions.

In my clumsy, Cher Horowitz donating to the Pismo Beach diaster way, I want to help in any way that I can, and I want you to, too, if you should be so inclined. Which you should be.

(It's evident that trauma makes me lose my already tenuous understanding of proper sentence structure)

So I come with links.

FEMA General Help Instructions

Good Will Industries International

Habitat For Humanity New Orleans

Salvation Army Hurricane Relief

United Way New Orleans

It's by no means comprehensive, but it's a good starting off point, no?

What's In A Name?

2005-08-28T14:16:00.000-04:00

It is becoming readily apparent to me that I am a poison of sorts; a "life ruiner", if you will. I theorized that the Royals would never win again, and they went ahead and took 2 of 3 from the A's, whose offense stopped existing mere moments after I pledged allegiance to them. I spent days craving a Frosty from Wendy's, and then had to get wisdom teeth taken out, meaning that anything cold was forbidden. Not three days ago, I mentally thanked the people responsible for ousting Kristen McMenamy from the modeling world, only to see her in a Marc Jacobs ad.

This, of course, can easily be connected to my being named Mallory which, in addition to being synonymous with Family Ties means "One who is unlucky", derived from the French malheureux, meaning ill-fated. It seems so wrong, doesn't it? It's like my parents had it out for me, giving me bad luck, a propensity for 80s fashion, on top of a name that people bastardize on the regular. Malory. Mallorie. Malloreigh.

Due to my unfortunate circumstances, I have become an advocate of sorts for the Responsible Naming of Babies (RNB). For this reason, and this reason only, I have turned a keen eye towards expectant celebrities like Jennifer Garner and Britney Spears, worrying what names that they'd choose for their own child.

I suppose it's time for me to admit my strange fascination with the Celebrity Baby Blog. I know it's wrong and vaguely (or even obviously) creepy and yet, there I am, reading about how one of the actresses who played Carrie on Days of Our Lives for, like, a minute, had a baby that they don't know the name of.

[This seems like as good a time as any to admit to having a past obsession with Days of Our Lives, to the point where I got a Days book for Christmas one year that gave me all of the backstories dating back to the first show, so I have an uncanny knowledge of it all, though I can proudly say that I have been Days free since I learned that the victims of the Salem Stalker weren't really dead, but in another world or something. If I'm being honest, I should also admit that this has more to do with conflicting schedules than it does a hard nosed boycott, but that's okay, right?]

Anyhoo, the blog gives up to the minute information of celebrity babies like Apple Martin and Coco Arquette, as well as expectant parents like Spears and Garner, and random information about Donny Osmond's grandchild (?) for the three people out there who were wondering about it. It's a good reminder of how bizarre celebrity baby names really are and it makes me both excited and wary of seeing what Britney Spears will choose (Negi has planned to trademark her guess of Kayleeley Lynn Sparkle Federline).

Oddly named celebrity offspring aren't exactly new or anything, but celebrities seem to be getting more brazen about their bizarre name choices. Some of them I don't mind (the aforementioned Apple and Coco are the type of names that can be pulled off by a certain kind of person), some are so overdone (Lola and Ava are two that come to mind) and some are just cruel.

Punky Brewster (I know she has a real name, but I'm never sure how to spell it) named her daughter Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg. Does it freak anybody else out that Punky Brewster has a baby and Melissa Joan Hart and Blossom are expecting? Also, is anyone else troubled that Blossom has an E! True Hollywood Story? I am going incredibly off topic.

Michelle Branch recently had a daughter named Owen Isabelle

Soccer player Frank Lampard has a daughter named Luna Coco Patricia Lampard, which is, er, alliterative and it provides the added bonus of a Posh Spice hissy; as we all know, Vicki had gone on the record professing her love of the name Luna. When Vicki has a tantrum, the whole world benefits.

The ever, erm, youthful Sharon Stone adopted Laird Vonne Stone, which sounds like she was trying to name the next James Bond villain.

I am all about creativity and originality and it's true that I'm glad that I never had eight other girls in my classes with the same name as me, but...Laird? Why would you do that to a child? At least Poet Sienna Rose is whimsical and somewhat aesthetically pleasing. Laird is just icky.

Oh! Throwing the whole "Writing about one topic" idea to the wind, I had just been pondering the whereabouts of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and had thought about checking the news to make sure Katie hadn't been slaughtered in a ritual Scientologist sacrifice (not that I think Scientologists do any of that, they seem the type to camp out with binoculars eagerly awaiting an alien invasion), but then I picked up US Weekly (It was sitting on my desk as I walked into work this morning. Somebody loves me, or perhaps they just left it here), and saw that they have New Wedding Plans. Sources say "They can't stand to be apart!" and "[Katie] hasn't picked a dress yet but is looking at lost of styles" for the wedding that they guess will happen between November and May. The article is accompanied by a picture of Tom strangling Katie, who is smiling like a stroke victim despite the pain.

There is also a disturbing spread asking celebrities when they lost their virginity. That's a highly personal question, isn't it? Celebrities with no boundaries like Jessica Simpson, Fergie and Tara Reid answer. Hilariously, Tara says "It was down at my Jersey Shore beach house...on the sand. It was disgusting. Four hundred mosquitoes. I had hives everywhere." Hives, Tara? That's precious.

The magazine also boasts a huge advert for Tyra's new talk show, with her forehead cunningly hidden, too much Hilary Duff and a "Jessica vs. Ashlee: Who Wore It Best?" article. Can I choose death?

Cruel Cruel Summer

2005-08-20T11:03:00.000-04:00

In the weeks following Jude Law's dalliance with a nanny, I thought that my celebrity boyfriends (typing that out makes me realize how much of a goober I truly am) couldn't do anything else that could possibly shock or disappoint me. Jude Law's all hooching up the help, Tom Brady is still dating Bridget Moynahan, who I believe pees standing up, Derek Jeter's taste in women continues to deteriorate (a VJ?! I ask you) etc. Christian Bale and Mos Def would remain true, and all would be at least semi right with the world.

And then I learned the sick sad truth from a good source that Mos Def was married in Toronto. All Hip Hop remains skeptical, but I've resigned myself to the sad truth of the matter. Not the truth truth, which is that I don't know him, but the truth that he is officially off the market.

What makes this so sad is that he allegedly (© Star Jones) married a woman named Alannah whose claim to fame is appearing in Snoop's "Drop It Like It's Hot" video. Which is so very.

I will stop short of drafting a petition to boycott his marriage like some people distraught over Brandon Flowers of The Killers marrying his girlfriend or creating an "Alannah Must Die" website in the vein of the now defunct www.katebosworthdeservestodie.com. I won't even denounce video hos, because it's a noble profession in its own right and has done a lot to advance the popularity of bling encrusted thongs and breast implants.

I'm just sad, is all. I'm an upstanding person, I regularly donate clothes to charity and break for animals, and I save my video ho dancing for the confines of my own room. And yet, here I am, with my heart shattered in a billion pieces, too distraught to even listen to The New Danger.
****
The Duffsta is on the cover of Jane, nearly showing the world her entire ass. That sound you heard was the barrel being scraped. I like Hil but...Jane? Really. Okay.

Shockingly, that's not even the most horrifying picture of Hilary Duff I have seen this week. That honor goes to this bizarre photo.

I...what? Did they have that painted? Is it Fan Art? Whatever it is, they were obviously paid off by the Duff family to make Haylie look human in the portrait. I am endlessly creeped out.
****
Fergie loves Josh Duhamel for his cooking. I wonder what he loves her for. No matter what The Sun says, she's not a stunner, so it's not her looks. Her bladder problems, maybe?
****
Guess Who? (Please note that I say "Who", not "What". It is a person)

Hint...she just won a court battle with Lil' Cease (and if she hadn't, I'd have cried. The world is no place for Lil' Cease victories.
...she's on her way to prison.
...she's an inspiration for skanky munchkins all over the world.

Yeah, that's Lil' Kim. Horrifying, I know. I felt, like The Ring, that my life would be spared from night terrors if I shared it with other people. Sorry.
****
Discussion Question--Will the Royals ever win again? One would think they'd have to, but their upcoming schedule includes the A's, the Red Sox, the Yankees and the (suddenly struggling) White Sox, followed by, like, the Twins and the Rangers. So if they do ever win again, they'll only win, like, three games the rest of the season.

I get sad watching them lose. Not that I have any vested interest in the team or any of the players and coaching staff, but that has to burn. It's the same feeling I get watching Al Leiter pitch; he just seems so endearing to me and watching him throw 127 pitches in the first inning makes me feel uncomfortable.
****
Few things in the world make me happier than Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight", followed by the Fine Young Cannibals "She Drives Me Crazy" while drinking Diet Coke with Lime.
****
Finally, I have become obsessed with For Better or For Worse, continuing my transformation into a middle aged woman. Could an unhealthy addiction to The Christmas Tree Shoppe be far behind?

The latest storyline is Liz being nearly attacked by her coworker which had potential to be deep and interesting, but is really being used as a deus ex machina for her to be reunited with her first love, Anthony, who saved her from her would-be rapist. Pictured here, Anthony tells Liz that he finally has something worth fighting for. Please bear in mind that Anthony is married with a child and also the same age as Liz. I have no explanation for why he so eerily resembles a grandfather.

I should probably use my rage for more worthy purposes, but I can't help being endlessly irritated with this.

Etc.

2005-08-11T18:08:00.000-04:00

I'm going to write in unrelated point form today because, well, that's how I roll.

♦It's a bad time to be Tyra Banks, huh? On the set of Ty Ty's new talk show, she got into it with rap groupie extraordinaire Karrine "Superhead" Steffans.

Says, uh, Superhead:

"Despite what she thinks, she and I are not that different," Steffans tells Murray. "I have even heard her being referred to as a 'Hollywood Hop' for the many men in Hollywood who have bedded her and moved on."

Superhead went on to threaten to rip out Tyra's wig, which has got to be embarrassing. I mean, all things considered: The girl goes by "Superhead"; she was linked with the likes of 50 Cent and Usher and while I recognize that Tyra's own dating history with the likes of Chris Webber thrown in there classifies her as somewhat questionable, at least she never let Usher touch her; and she is currently dating Bill Maher. I'll let the handy dandy ellipsis sum up my feelings. "..."

Also embarrassing? Having your ass handed to you on a coke covered silver platter by your former employee Janice Dickinson.

Says J. Dick:

Tyra’s no walk in the park. Tyra’s really righteous.

They are not of the caliber I was, or even of what Tyra was.

I walked some of the hardest pavements in the world to become a model, and that’s why I’m entitled to say the things I do, whether it’s to grope-boy Balki on The Surreal Life or to some wannabe on America’s Next Top Model. Eat that, Tyra.

Ouch! And we all know Tyra can't fight back. We've all seen her demonstrate her bad temper with the bizarre Tiffany elimination on ANTM. "I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!" Like, yeah, Janice killed her dad, I think she could take you, Ty Ty.

♦I've discussed my hatred of PETA before and I'm convinced that they are deliberately trying to get me to go on a mass murder spree with their latest set of ads. I don't even have the words to describe how blatantly offensive I find that, but I do know that I am having a burger for dinner tonight. Anybody up for clubbing a seal?

♦Speaking of mass murder, sort of, I've been watching a lot of Lifetime movies, more than usual even, which I believe is a form of comfort. Some people eat potato chips, I watch things like Meradith Baxter Birney in The Betty Broderick Story. Okay, and I eat potato chips, too. I'm just wondering. MBB's turn as the famous husband murderer was quite good, and the second part of the movie is on tonight at 9, should you be so inclined. I've found that the most intriguing of the television movies are those that are based on true stories and those that star Melrose Place alumni.

♦Is Apple Martin the cutest baby in the world? I think she is. My adoration of Gwyneth Paltrow is well documented and, well, Apple is just so cute! She can totally make the name Apple work, I think.

♦Matt LeBlanc groped a stripper. A girl stripper

"The stripper was all over me. I was drinking, and she was crossing the line. She was in my face, pushing her breasts into me and grabbing my hands to go all over her body. She was telling me to caress her and in my head I'm thinking, 'What's going on?' If I had. been sober, perhaps I would have acted quicker, but I was pretty drunk. When I realized the situation that was unfolding I felt I was being careless and irresponsible, and I had to get the hell out of there. I could not wait to get home. The guys said a trap had been set for me and I fell right in it, and that's why I feel stupid and careless now."

...

♦I need to step away from the sports media for a day or so because the constant coverage of Terrell Owens, Ricky Williams, and Madden is causing my subconscious to dream crazy things. But really, who am I kidding, I couldn't just up and ignore the media. Where else would I read in-depth features about the continued emasculation of Bud Selig, or see pictures of Huston Street playing the guitar?

Speaking of sports, Jason Giambi--using, or not? Discuss.

♦As all people with good taste do, I'm currently enjoying the Geico commercials and the Starbucks "Hank" commercial immensely. But I have to register a complaint with Sonic for their constant commercials. I have been somewhat obsessed with Sonic banana splits since seeing their commercials every other minute for the past few months, to the point where I nearly threw in the towel and drove to Sonic to buy one. Which I would have, if there were a Sonic ANYWHERE IN THE NORTHEAST. There's not! The closest is in Virginia and while I want a sundae badly, that's much too far for me to go...or is it?

Working Girl & Other Tales

2005-08-07T12:41:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed that I have not been saying much lately. Which is odd because, as those of you who know me can attest, I rarely, if ever, stop saying anything.

I think that work has killed my brain. Honestly, it's making me more stupid by the second. I wish it had killed my spirit and self esteem instead, so that I could pen a poorly written real estate version of The Devil Wears Prada (or like Sarah and the PAG), but all its done is rob me of my ability to be creative and figure out percentages, although the latter was something I never mastered fully.

Real estate, I've learned, is one of the most unpleasant industries in the world. Not that I have experience in many, (or, erm, any) other industries, but really, if you answer the phone, you're bound to get an earful of attitude from the other end. Thus, my routine goes something like this:

8:30-->Arrive at work, coffee in hand; remind myself that today will be a great day
8:35-->Pick up the phone; get bitched at by real estate agent ("The home that I wanted to show is sold! How is that possible?!?!")
8:41-->Pick up the phone; homeowner complains ("Someone was supposed to show my house and they were three minutes late! Wahhhhh!")
8:43-->Have another coffee
8:49-->Talk to a homebuyer on the phone; get yelled at ("Everything is out of my price range! Argh!")
8:53-->Homeowner calls. "Why isn't my house getting activity?!"; try to politely think of ways to explain that the house is ugly
8:58-->An agent calls. "I sent in an offer fifteen minutes ago, nobody has called me back! I'm calling the better business bureau and filing a complaint!"; offer to give them number
9:00-->Cry

Lather, rinse, repeat. I also drink an average of 12 Diet Cokes per day and attempt to engage various co-workers in pop culture related discussions.

Me: So how about the Jennifer Aniston Vanity Fair interview, huh?
Coworker: ....

Me: OMG! Adam Ant is on the radio! ::grooves in her chair::
Coworker: ::fakes laughter::

Me: Hahaha! Oh, isn't that Scott Stapp story craaaaaaaazy?
Coworker: Scott What?

I keep telling myself that it's just a gap sort of thing, that I'll have a real job soon and I'll be the one making people cry, instead of the other way around, but then I get a phone call asking, "Now, when you say as is, what does that mean?" (Shout out to Jeff!) and I find myself wishing that I had been born to a rockstar.

I mean, just look at Lizzy Jagger, daughter of Mick and Jerry Hall. All the girl had to do was be born and she immediately had a contract as the Lancome spokesmodel, plus an awesome collection of clothes to raid, whereas my mother is half a foot shorter than I am. It helps that she (Liz, not my mother, though my mother is lovely as well) is lovely, of course, though Leah Wood is not and she had a career as a model, and is now a musician. And also under the category of "Fugly chicks with Rolling Stone dads" are the hideola Richards sisters. They look like mutants and yet, there they are as Ann Taylor models. What is happening to the world?

Granted, dealing with a rock star father would mean you'd have to be privy to embarrassing details of your father's life with groupies, forced paternity tests and other horrible things classified as Too Much Information, but...I mean, wouldn't it be fun? It would, don't lie.

But, alas, it was not meant to be. Le sigh.

Aside from work, my life has been focused mainly on baseball, to the extent that I believe only players and owners care about it more than me, which is odd since I get absolutely no monetary compensation for it. Because of the insidious influence of CLC over at Parenthetical Notations (and, okay, fine, slight infatuations I have with Eric Chavez and Huston Street, who are you to judge me?), I have been following the Oakland Athletics closely which has been fun since they pulled themselves up from the AL West cellar into a tie for first place. Truly classic.

There's also the media frenzy surrounding Rafael Palmeiro's steroid use. A SCANDAL, they call it. Which...really? The man didn't start hitting his homeruns until 1998 alongside Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire, eleven years after he made his major league debut. Besides, the man has a pornstache

He's obviously not operating under our logic system.

His excuses were hilarious in their ineptitude. "It wasn't intentional!" Right, except not.

And, I ask this in all seriousness--why did these people do steroids with Jose Canseco? I mean...really. Even back in the 80s, Canseco was a sleaze who would sell out his mother for $5, so trusting him seems, to put it mildly, ridiculous. A horrifying, related story--the Hollywood Reporter, um, reports:

Published in February by ReganBooks amid a firestorm of controversy, "Juiced" details Canseco's use of performance-enhancing drugs and accuses some of the biggest names in baseball of cheating. Within weeks of publication, the memoir shot to No. 1 on the New York Times best-seller list. In mid-March, Canseco drew even more headlines when he testified before Congress about steroid use.

Canseco, who is looking to launch an acting career, appears on the current season of VH1's "The Surreal Life."

There are no words to describe my terror, confusion and disdain, so I will settle for "..."

I also ventured to the cutthroat world of Shea Stadium this week to watch the Mets take on the Cubs and was pleased as punch to see them win and to see a)the bullpen hold it together and b)Carlos Beltran get hits, not to mention c)David Wright. The jeers they sent to Jeromy Burnitz were out of this world, so I can only imagine the level it would have been at if Beltran didn't perform. Again. All that plus the return of Nomar Garciaparra and the continued awesomeness of Derek Lee.

All of this PLUS a Gary Sheffield hissy. That he was, uh, misquoted in. Riiight, Sheff, right. He lives in his own little world where he is a leader that everybody likes (except, you know, for everybody on his previous five teams) and where his wife never had sex with R. Kelly. It's a good world.

Betrayal

2005-07-23T11:01:00.000-04:00

Is it possible to feel betrayed by someone you don't know, whose betrayal had nothing to do with you or anyone you know? Because that's the sort of emotional upheaval I'm going through right now, in light of the week's breaking news development that Jude Law is, in fact, a big old horndog.

My thought process on this scandal went something like this--
1. Ew, the nanny? How gauche.
2. Why would you cheat on Sienna Miller? Don't most men normally cheat to get with the 23 year old blonde?
3. I'd never have to deal with this with Ewan McGregor
4. That heffa of a nanny is ruining the name Daisy for me

The stories started flying fast. Cribbing from the plot of Alfie, they had sex on a pool table, among other places, before being walked in on by one of his kids. Um? While horrifically skeezy, it did lead to possibly the best headline of all time. First, Jude allegedly blamed Sienna:

'Rather than feeling guilty and contrite he has turned the whole thing against Sienna,' said one. 'He said if she is not partying she is sleeping and he completely blames her for what he has done. 'He told her, "I told you I was unhappy. I told you I needed you to be there for me. Why didn't you listen to me?" '

Then, Sienna took off her engagement ring, while Jude Law's ex Sadie Frost offered her support, while it was reported that homewrecking heffa Daisy draws the line at threesomes. Sleeping with an engaged man is okay, but threesome are bad, mmkay?

Jude then apologized publicly for hurting Sienna which, homeboy, too little too late.

I don't get it. I mean, if Jude Law wanted to have sex with every woman in the free world, he could (that level of pretty has its perks, you know). So why, like four days after getting divorced, did he get engaged? If he wanted to let the freak flag fly, go ahead and fly it, but there was no reason for him to get engaged, only to cheat on Sienna.

The plot thickened. The world wondered why the nanny had a glamour shot but this bit of news from Holy Moly may answer that one. One may say that Holy Moly is not a reliable news source but they have never steered me wrong which is more than I can say for NBC (don't think I'll forget the 2000 Election so soon!)

Q/ Which ex-actress/knicker sewer with the initials Sadie Frost hired a nanny who after confessing to shag her ex-husband, suggested Max Clifford as a shoulder to cry on?

A/ oh.

(Max Clifford, of course, being a top-notch UK publicist)

How nefarious! I mean, I don't know that it's true, since the only thing I can see Sadie coordinating is a trip downtown for good ecstasy, but still. That is, in a word, delicious.

Oh, Jude. I always knew you were a scoundrel, but I thought you capable of rehabilitation. This is just icky.

Misty water-colored memories of the way we were
****
In a somewhat related story, how pissed was I to see Today covering this story, as well as Colin Farrell's sex tape and the possible remarriage of Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson? Maybe I was mistaken, but I thought they were supposed to cover the real news? Like, I don't know, say...Karl Rove?

Anyhoo, they had several people from Best Week Ever to come make "jokes" about these scandals and I once again railed against the unfairness of a world that gives those people a platform like that to be unfunny while others who are consistently amusing get no fanfare.

And speaking of unfunny, VH1-related people-Why, ESPNClassic, why do you employ the Sklar brothers on the show Cheap Seats? Perhaps I shouldn't go around so blithely admitting that I watch ESPN Classic on occasion. It's only to see the scores at the bottom, I swear! (And even then, I only manage to catch the scores for, like, cycling) At any rate--Jason and Randy Sklar are, quite possibly, the least funny human beings on the planet, and I say this with no exaggeration. They used to appear on VH1 shows occasionally, proving that my theory about the horridness of VH1 commentators is fully true, and they're not funny here. They're--it's like, bizarre how not funny they are. I don't understand how ESPN, who employs Stuart Scott, can give these two fools a show. Then again, I feel that Stuart Scott should have his own network, so maybe I'm biased.

But HONESTLY, TV Networks, stop polluting the airwaves with unfunny people. If I wanted to see someone lamely prattle on about pop culture, I'd videotape myself.
****
Miami Vice: Ew.

Damn Dirty Hippies

2005-07-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

Flipping through the pages of Vogue or watching a fashion show (or flipping through photos of such on Style.com) undoubtedly leads to gasps of horror and stifled laughter. "Who," you ask, "would wear that?! Even Gemma Ward looks embarrassed and she's getting paid to wear that!"

While design houses often use fencing and ribbon to fashion their new seasonal lines, you could always count on ready-to-wear lines and department stores to bring about reasonable alternatives. A year ago, the world was filled with pinks and tweeds and classics and we were all the better for it. This year, though, clothing manufacturers decided to continue borrowing from the high fashion folk and launch what disturbingly seems to be a renaissance of the hippie era.

From Nordstrom and Macys to stores like Express and Charlotte Rousse, the retro hippie look is plaguing the nation and I'm at a loss to explain it. For starters, the clothes aren't flattering. If they can manage to look wrong in Elle magazine being modeled by girls who are 6'1" and 98 pounds, how are they going to look on the average person? And the clothes are just-well, let's look for ourselves, shall we?

GAUCHOS

Who, ever, in the world would want to wear a clothing item that got its name from a South American cattle herder? Gauchos pass themselves off as being reminiscent of capri pants and pedal pushers, but while the latter conjure images of Audrey Hepburn, the former, in all of its wide-legged glory, can't help from being ugly.

PONCHOS

My nemesis. Unless you want to look like you weigh 860 pounds, you should avoid the poncho at all costs. Perhaps it's just my inherent snobbery coming out, but I have issues with wearing something that easily can be assembled out of a paper bag.

TUNICS

For when you want to have the comfort of a poncho, but you want to jazz it up a bit. I believe that most, if not all, wearers of tunics look pregnant in them. With the popularity of the tunic rising, I fear that a muumuu revolution may not be far behind.

UGGS

Still with the Uggs! Has no one learned?! Why are we still taking fashion cues from Britney Spears? And combining the Ugg fugliness with CLOGS? Sweet Jesus, it's a smorgasboard of ugly.

Honestly, it's highly upsetting to me. These are the real weapons of mass destruction!
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In similarly sad news, Sandra Bullock was married.

Actress Sandra Bullock married mechanic and reality TV star Jesse James

That really says it all, doesn't it? James was previously married to porn star Janine Lindemulder, who he left while she was pregnant (and he later demanded a paternity test). Charming. How Sandra goes from dating Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling to this, I'll never know.
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I know that Fergie being ugly is nothing new, but she looks like a burn victim on the cover of Cosmo.
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To round this entry out, under the theme of "Things That Are Horrifying", I present to you this:
Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Jamie, whom he met in New Orleans this spring while shooting a movie, PEOPLE has learned.

The 19-year-old actor's publicist, Cara Tripicchio, confirmed the news to PEOPLE, adding that no wedding date has been set.

The rep declined to give out the last name of Muniz's fiancée but said she's not an actress, she's from New Orleans, and the pair met in her hometown this spring while Muniz was filming the horror movie Stay Alive, costarring The O.C. and Entourage's Samaire Armstrong.

Muniz also is continuing with his long-running FOX comedy Malcolm, which begins its seventh season this fall.

1. Why?
2. ProActiv is not that expensive, Frankie.
3. Why?
4. Malcolm in the Middle is still on the air?
5. Why?

America's Sweetheart? Puh-leaze

2005-07-15T13:25:00.000-04:00

I need someone to explain something to me. Go slow.

Why is Jessica Simpson famous and plastered on the cover of every magazine, focused on every television show and played on the radio every minute of every day? Because I don't get it. And I've tried to figure it out, too, by making a list of her positive qualities.

Blonde hair + Big Boobs + Tiny Waist = Sex Goddess

Which...no. Have we seen Jessica Simpson? All of her physical attributes (minus her height, because she is teensy) seem to add up to a Barbie doll and one would assume that it makes her hot, and the media seems to agree but, really...no. For starters, her jaw is terrifying. Also, what's with the addiction to tanning? Really, hideola. Her extensions often look ratty and she takes her makeup cues from the big book of pornstars by covering her eyes in eye kohl. Eyeliner, in moderation, can look fantastic, but she takes it to the extreme.

She's Ditzy and Adorable!

As a society, we seem to be obsessed with silly little blonde girls, like that adorably zany Goldie Hawn or Suzanne Somers (currently terrirozing midtown Manhattan) on Three's Company. Is it because we like knowing for certain that we are smarter than somebody in the world? At any rate, Jessica parlayed her chicken of the sea and buffalo wings gaffes into fame and fortune, even earning endorsement deals. Maybe it's just me--and I'm fully aware that I'm cold and bitchy--but I honestly have no patience for stupid people. Sure, it's funny for, like, a minute to laugh at how someone could be so dumb, but when you stop and think about it, this girl who is a functional (well, barely functional) illiterate with zero common sense is making more money than all of us combined. It hurts, doesn't it?

She's So Talented!

Her remake of "Angels" (what's with remaking songs that are like three years old?) was a crime against humanity. The girl doesn't sing; she screeches. Loudly.

Jessica&Nick R 2 Cute 2 B 4Gotten

Let's be real, you guys: Nobody ever, ever cared about Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. While most reality stars are hasbeens, these two clowns were never-weres. Britney Spears and *NSYNC were top tier, Christina Aguilera and The Backstreet Boys were a level down and then came 98 Degrees and Jessica Simpson. Remember "Sweet Kisses"? Didn't think so. So why, on earth, should anyone care that two Z-list celebrities got married? On Newlyweds it became evident that Nick could not stand his wife and her creepy ass family.

Family Values

While she did start in Christian music, I mean family values in another sense--that of her love for her own family. You see, Jessica Simpson is the reason why Ashlee Simpson got an album deal and began her attack on the radio waves. And she's also the reason why anybody knows who Joe Simpson is. May I just remind you all of how creepy Joe Simpson is? Because he said, of his daughter's breasts, "She's got double Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!" I believe I speak for us all when I sob quietly in the corner.

So, to recap--she's not pretty, she can't sing, she's an idiot she and her husband are losers and her family is a freakshow. I totally understand why this girl is the biggest celebrity of the moment, on the cover of Elle this month and in the pages of US week in and week out.

Now there are rumors swirling that she is divorcing Nick and Johnny Knoxville is divorcing his wife and they are going to go public, on the heels of rumors of how they passed the time on the Dukes of Hazzard set. Let us all remember the ickiest blind item ever:

Which no-longer-newly-wed blonde had a recent affair with a movie co-star? (According to her friends, the jackass taught her to enjoy rimming)

And, I have to tell you, I still don't get it. Maybe I'm missing the Jessica Simpson gene or something but it's terribly, terribly unsettling.
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This picture of Tom Cruise's son Connor makes me sad. The poor child could, at any moment, be maimed or run away and his father is too busy sucking face with Joey Potter to even notice or care. Also, who wants to see their father making out with someone? Ew!
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I've mentioned before how much I heart Mischa Barton and I am so thrilled to see that she's back in the dating game, leaving this to get a piece of this. To crib from a played out, not-funny show: Upgrade.
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Madonna and her kids appear on the cover of the latest Vogue. In my eyes, Madonna can do no wrong. I've stood by her through Erotica, Swept Away and Vanilla Ice, so it is no surprise that I love these pictures.
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I've often wondered, when I think about Curt Schilling, if he thinks of himself as a)being Jesus b)being BFF with Jesus or c)being Jesus's right hand man. Either way, I hate him and I was pleased as punch to see him lose the game in the 9th inning last night. I'd have no problem with him if he weren't so smug but he is, so I hate him.

Also, on the baseball tip--if you're reading this, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball, just a word of advice: we viewers don't really want to see a multi-millionaire athlete be awarded with a Corvette as a reward for winning the All Star game MVP. Really. Not a good idea.

Does anybody want a Kenny Rogers dartboard?

And did anybody else have problems focusing on the Home Run derby? Because Chris Berman was crazy annoying and Bobby Abreu was up for approximately for hours and he looks like a troll doll.
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Lastly, in a shocking Mets development--Carlos Beltran went 4 for 4 and Mike Piazza hit a 3-run homer! I nearly died from shock. 2 on and the man didn't ground into a double play.

On Couples&Things

2005-07-10T11:11:00.000-04:00

Don't you love how I flit about for days, and always seem to update on a Sunday? I'll let you draw your own conclusions about my sporadic updates, as the alternatives (jetting about to Milan, being sued by Scientologists, etc) are much more glam than the truth (work and undiagnosed attention deficit issues). But here I am and that's what matters, yes?

Let's start with the most troubling piece of celebrity news from the past few days, which is that there are unconfirmed report that Britney Spears is expecting twins. Someone, somewhere, should urge The Barbi Twins to copyright...whatever it is that they do.

That news is upsetting and I urge you all to up the prayers for Kaleyley Lynne Sparkle Spears-Federline and her alleged twin sister Aurora Jamie Shiny Boo Spears-Federline. The highlight of the story is, of course, the fact that Britney is urging Kevin Federline to curb his spending. Hilarious. It only took her a year!

Pregnancy has turned Ms. Spears into an (admittedly money savvy) soccer mom. Here, she puts her hair up in a butterfly clip while wearing a dress from what I belive is the Jaclyn Smith collection at K-Mart. And I swear, I saw this woman at the deli just now (where, I might add, they don't sell Tic Tacs. What kind of a place doesn't sell Tic Tacs?!). Though she's better of than the hubby, who introduces a new fashion faux pas into his routine.

AND! In Spears related news, K-Fed's babymomma has been in the news recently for stepping out with Quentin Tarantino. I know, that sounds like a gossip item someone would come up with after a two week, acid-laced bender but, no, for real. That's one of those things that I can't even make fun of, because I am so weirded out that it renders me speechless. I mean, what does it say about Shar Jackson that she willingly associates with men such as Kevin Federline and the incredibly creepy QT? Vom.
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There's also some exciting news in the world of Hollywood's other golden couple, TomKat. Katie is on the cover of W this month, which is a tragedy in and of itself, because the covers of fashion magazines should be reserved for supermodels, not Joey from Dawson's Creek, but anyway, it's nice to see that W is not letting the freakshow off easy, as the cover slyly refers to their relationship as a Cult Classic. Because Scientology is a freaky cult, get it?

Inside, Katie says

No pressure from Cruise, she swears: "That's really ludicrous because, I mean, you have to know Tom. He is the most loving, generous man who… first of all, he wants to help people. He doesn't put pressure on people. He is the kindest, smartest, most adoring man. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be with him."

That reads like a eulogy or a press release, doesn't it?

"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies, her beautiful green eyes focused on nothing in particular.

Um. Cree-pee.

The photos are weird. Here they seem to be ripping off a photo shoot that Jessica Miller did recently (and better). And she also does the chic "I'm thirteen and I have tuberculosis, let's get married!" thing.
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And, in the last bit of couple related news, rumors continue to swirl around about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Is he getting a tattoo for her? Are they so serious that they are adopting a baby together, despite the fact that magazines have to use a poor composite photo of the two of them because they don't appear in public together? Is their relationship the reason that Jennifer Aniston collapsed on the set of her movie?

I could honestly not care less about the three of them and I resent their constant presence in the tabloids that would be better used for stories on Lindsay Lohan's downward spiral or Stars! They're Just Like US! pieces about the Olsen twins loving Starbucks.
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Raven "I'm so popular I don't need a last name" Symone's eyebrows could easily be the villains in a horror film. And the apple doesn't fall far from the scarily manicured tree.
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In lieu of doing anything that would possibly help stimulate brain activity, I have been watching a lot of VH1 and, shockingly, The Food Network. I say shockingly because I can't cook and I get irritated with 3/4 of the hosts. And when I say that I can't cook, I really mean that and I'll point to the time(s) that I burned rice as evidence of that fact.

VH1 has been playing a lot of their "Awesomely Bad" countdowns lately and there is this one girl whose name I don't know nor care to find out who is SO annoying that I have to turn the channel every time she comes on. She's simply not funny and there are certain songs, like, say "Blame It on the Rain" that you don't need to be really blessed with a comedic gift to be able to properly mock but she manages to screw it up. How is that even possible?

I've also started to like Kept not just as a way to pass the time/view in morbid fascination but actually like like it. Why is this? I don't know. Two of the contestants, Austen and Seth have amusing blogs, though my favorite, Maurizio, does not (he's my favorite because he has OCD tendencies and he wears a lot of pink. Kindred spirit and all that). On the last episode, Jon, who...I'm feeling charitable, so I won't get into it, was eliminated and he actually got a little montage of his best moments, complete with diagnosed with muscular dystrophy music playing in the background.

As far as the Food Network goes, I'm simultaneously intrigued/annoyed by most of the shows. Bobby Flay is an irksome tool, Giada DeLaurentiis has an alarmingly large head on a tiny body, Paula Deen is cute but her use of butter is worrisome and Rachael Ray and her constant attempts to make "Evoo" (As in Extra Virgin Olive Oil) mainstream is beyond irritating. Stop trying to make evoo happen, Rachael! It's not going to happen!

(Also, she posed for FHM magazine and it is the stuff of nightmares. She's lacking both sex appeal and a neck. Link not safe for life)

But my true television nemesis, who inspires in me such an irrational level of rage, is Sandra Lee, star of Semi-Homemade Cooking. The title alone is enough to make you ask "Why?" Her shtick is to make "delicious" food that a)is at least three quarters store bought b)fits into a color coordinated "tablescape" and c)matches her outfit and kitchen. She often teaches viewers how to make cocktails, knowing, perhaps, that the only way to make it through her show is to drink.

My most compelling piece of evidence is her recipe for the Kwanzaa celebration cake and I assume that I needn't go further in building a case against her. Innocent people are in jail and this nutbar is roaming free. It just seems so wrong.
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As does the advent of the Major League Baseball All Star Game's Red Carpet Show on Fox Sports. What the hell? Is this going to be an hour of listening to people talk about how they're repping Nike? Or, worse, are we going to be treated to "insightful" interviews with Johnny Damon (aptly referred to as Cro-Damon by the lovely and hilarious CLC at Parenthetical Notations) and his wife, who still haven't finished pimping their wedding out to the media?

The fact that he and Manny "Oh, I'll just let the right fielder run over here and catch the ball" Ramirez are starting in the outfield over Ichiro pains me more than I can put into words. The rest of the mostly make sense (except for Mike Piazza and Scott Podsednick, like, really, what the hell?) so I can't complain too much, nor will I boycott like I've thought about in the past, but I will still register my unhappiness. Take that, Selig!