Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Q: What Has Two Thumbs And Hates The World?
A: THIS GIRL!
It seems like every which way I turn (which is an awful lot; my short attention span means that I turn quite often), I see something that provokes in me a certain level of annoyance, from mild irritation to outrage. This, coupled with the fact that I turned 23 this week and am thus nearing antiquity, makes me think that I should either (1)hire people to disseminate news and gossip to me, filtering out anything that would get my ire up (2)become a hermit (3)turn to Scientology (4)embrace the rage and become that scary bag lady who yells that you are going to hell when you walk by her.
All worthy options, natch. Perhaps I will use a Magic 8 Ball.
I have been so neglectful of my poor blog lately, as I have been relentlessly negative about everything and felt bad writing down rants about everything, but seriously: is it just me or is the world at large extremely annoying these days?
EXHIBIT A: THE YANKEES/RED SOX RIVALRY
You know how most soap operas have that one big central rivalry? Like Katherine and Jill on The Young and the Restless, Brooke and Erica on All My Children and Vicki and Dorian on One Life To Live? Okay, maybe you don't know that because you aren't drawn to daytime tv the way I am...uh, anyway, since, like, 1976, all of these bitches have been fighting with each other and every single time they have a BIG CONFRONTATION, the soap opera magazines (which I do not read) have it on their cover: "KATHERINE THREATENS JILL!" "VICKI AND DORIAN: FACE TO FACE!"
But with soap operas being what they are, these confrontations happen at least twice every six months, which means that the soap opera press has been running the same story four months yearly for the past 30 years and treating it as if it were something totally groundbreaking and important. Like, all caps IMPORTANT.
This is how the sports media is with the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. Perhaps this is just the sour grapes speaking after last night's debacle, but seriously. The two teams play each other twenty times between April and October and each series is prefaced by "SHOWDOWN IN BEANTOWN: YANKEES VS. SOX" or "BASEBALL'S GREATEST RIVALRY REVISTED" or something written to stir up the troops and get people all excited for the GREATEST SERIES OF ALL TIME.
How do we not all have excitement fatigue by now? It's just such a...let down. Like, you get all excited "Ohmigod, biggest series ever!" and then you're watching the two game series and you're like, "Uh, it's the first week in May, is this really so major?" and then four weeks later they play again and you're like "Ohmigod...wait, this seems familiar" and in between running to Web MD and diagnosing yourself with a brain injury and muting the chatter of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, you realized that you totally got played.
I, personally, am over it. You can only read so many semi-hysterical articles or books about it before you officially just lose your mind. I am at that point in my life, where hearing my arch enemy Michael Kay talk about what an important series this is fills me with such rage that I want to break things, but I don't even have the energy to pick something up to break it.
And if I feel this way, I can only imagine what the rest of the world feels like what with the constant coverage of two teams who are basically filled with overpaid assholes.
Yes, I can see why this matchup is worthy of being discussed for roughly 3/4 of the baseball season. They are all so endearing and fascinating and it's never been done before!
EXHIBIT B: TAYLOR HICKS WILL PROBABLY WIN AMERICAN IDOL
Yes, Kat McPhee screeches more often than not. Yes, she is soulless and has an annoying stage mother. Yes, she probably should have gone home before Chris.
But if she doesn't win, I will cry.
Taylor Hicks is just...why does he do the things he does? Why does he have spasms and seizures and distract people from his voice with his antics?
EXHIBIT C: LISA RINNA HAUNTS MY DREAMS
I don't have too many irrational fears, except for clowns and wide-ruled paper. Oh, and murderous children. And--okay, so I have irrational fears, but few of them compare to the combination of terror and fascination I feel about Lisa Rinna.
In order for any of this to make sense, I must make some startling admissions:
Maybe those aren't startling, as I have made it well known that I have bad taste in many areas of my life....
Due to the above, and the media's fascination with Dancing With The Stars, a show that I am proud to say I have never watched, I have had to deal with Lisa Rinna more than the average person. And she scares me.
Back when she played Billie Reed on Days of Our Lives, she was an odd looking person, but I was more disturbed by the poor Bo Brady recast than her face.
She still looked marginally human on Melrose Place
But recently, she made the foolish move of having collagen, despite her lips already being enormous. And, on top of that, she has become an over aerobicized freak with muscles popping out all over. And, on top of that, she seems to bathe in self tanner hourly. The end result is a hot mess.
Now, if I were a deformity of such epic proportions, I would never leave the house, but there she is, everywhere, screeching like a howler monkey. She is just so...abrasive. And I seriously think she'd cut someone. There's something crazy in her eyes.
EXHIBIT D: TERI HATCHER
Why? Why does she brag about not having sex in every interview she gives? Is it meant to make the common person say, "Hey! A Hollywood superstah can't get any, either! Stars really ARE just like us!" Because I think it makes her look even more pathetic and I didn't think that was possible. The woman willingly stepped out in public with Ryan Seacrest, ruining her chances to have the approval of the world at large because no other woman has done something so foolish.
EXHIBIT E: A SUSPICIOUS LACK OF PICTURES OF SURI CRUISE
Brooke Shields has already taken baby Grier, born the same day as Suri, to lunch at the Ivy and Tom and Katie's baby has not been seen yet. What gives, Tom? Have you not yet purchased a black market baby to pass off as your own?
Mallory at 5/23/2006 12:15:00 PM