Thursday, August 17, 2006
Um, Ew
I take things very seriously. It is probably my single biggest character flaw. I can't even count the times I have stormed away from the dining room table in tears because somebody made a joke at my expense, usually pertaining to the size of my head or the fact that Derek Jeter looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.
But for once, I don't think I am overreacting when I wound up seething and crying after reading a magazine article.
Details brings us the article Why Fat Is Back In Hollywood. Huh? I read trashy magazines like it's my job and in none of these magazines did I see actresses and other celebrities who looked fat. But I am often oblivious, so maybe I'm wrong.
So, apparently, the curvy figure is back in style. I am uncomfortable with the idea that a body can be in or out of style since it's so, like, possible to change the one you have. But whatever. I'm all for appreciation of curvy women, even if the entire article has that smarmy sort of feel to it, like, "by saying this, I am proving I am sensitive and sucking up to the majority of women in the country and I am soooo going to get laid" which, ew.
I do, however, have problems with the following:
Bwah! If you're bigger than an Olsen twin, you are a fattie which means you are like a pig in ugly heels. Hilarious
is a fattie.
Somewhere along the line I remembered that Details in and of itself is a waste of my time so I should not spend any more time being irritated with it, but I can't help it because (1)I am oversensitive (2)I like to complain and (3)whoever wrote this has a better job than I do and that is just not fair.
While I am in a horrible mood, I might as well register my disgust that the delightful and adorable Allison was kicked off of Project Runway so that Vincent could stay.
Okay, Allison's garment was hideola and that insane hair choice was not helping
But Vincent has brought us not one, not two, but four horrible creations and if he is not stopped soon, weeks of our lives will be ruined by having to view the insanity that he considers high fashion
I think he needs a rabies shot.
What the hell, Heidi? You're the world's most adorable person and I could listen to you mangle traditional pronunciations all the live long day, but you crib Elle McPherson's nickname and then you try to turn the whole world blind by making us deal with Vincent every day?! On top of his hideola designs, he makes repeated references to what "gets [him] off" and EW! EW! No! Stop! Seriously! EW!
If he doesn't go next week, I am filing a class action lawsuit.
And! The Yankees get rocked by the Orioles. Nothing is going my way today! Is this Tom Cruise's way of exacting revenge on me for all of the times I have made fun of him? Is Xenu truly that powerful?
Honestly, how do they let Jaret Wright pitch in the major leagues? I'd much rather have Ron Guidry out on the mound or maybe even Don Larsen. This has got to stop.
Mallory at 8/17/2006 05:38:00 PM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Ew, Timberflake
I've been feeling dreadfully old lately, because all of the hard-hitting journalism I read is talking about things like the new season of Laguna Beach and Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler breaking up and I am pretty much speechless because I know nothing about either of those things. What the hell is a Moakler? I always prided myself upon being hip and with it, but right now I'm, like, a step above my father who once asked me what David Beckham's wife if famous for, and when I had a fit and started screaming incoherently about the Spice Girls, he asked if that was a band.
But it's nice to know that no matter how old I get, Justin Timberlake will still be a douchebag.
Justin Timberlake is not in awe of Taylor Hicks’ talent.
“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket,” Timberlake told Fashion Rocks, a supplement of Vanity Fair. Timberlake also thinks that Hicks’ fame is fragile. “If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then he takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”
The “Justified” singer has mixed feelings about “American Idol,” the show made Hicks famous. “I have a strange relationship with that show,” he said. “I despise it, yet I’m completely fascinated.”
What the hell? Firstly, who on earth cares what Justin Timberlake has to think about anything? Well, okay, I care about what he thinks about Britney's descent into Federdom, but no carbon based life form would want to know his deep thoughts on anything else ever. Actually, no, I am sort of interested in hearing if Cameron Diaz's skin is really as bad as everyone says it is, but that aside, nobody cares about his thoughts, ever.
Secondly, "if, God forbid, he's gay"? Shut the hell up, you curly-haired skeeze. Were that many people wondering if Taylor Hicks is gay that Justin Effing Timberlake has to bring this up in interviews?
Thirdly, "earnest"? "Can't carry a tune in a basket"? When did it become 1953 again?
Fourthly, I think Justin's a little jealous of the mega success American Idol has. I would be too, I guess, if I were him. After all, he had to spend lots of quality time with Lou Perlman, so he definitely paid a high price for his fame.
Lastly, "SexyBack" sucks. Like, seriously, sucks, like, violently awful. And I don't have high standards when it comes to music, either, because I love Mandy Moore and Xtina and ridiculously cheesy awfulness and I would rather drive into oncoming traffic than listen to "SexyBack" all the way through.
Someone just needs to kick him in the face. I will start a PayPal collection and bankroll this random act of violence. Perhaps I will post a craigslist ad to see if anybody is willing to help in this great cause.
In other news, the late, great Joe DiMaggio was afraid of Tom Cruise before it was fashionable.
I want to marry and have a million babies with this piece of gossip
"He'd show up at baseball-signing shows and wait for Joe to come out," says the source. "One time, he waited outside a restaurant for him for three hours. [DiMaggio] called him 'a short little guy.' He didn't like it. He felt like he was stalking him."
I mean, can you blame him for being freaked out? Imagine a leaving your house to go to work and finding a dwarf in your front yard, overlaughing and jumping around. You'd be scared and you know it. Poor Joe.
How awesome is Project Runway? I think this is the best season thus far, if only for Michael and Laura, who are just awesome. Kayne and Robert are quite funny, but not on their level. Can you imagine being able to be as disdainful as Laura is? I may not have many goals in life, but reaching her level of coolness is certainly one of them.
From the ridiculous to the sublime: The lovely and amazing Janelle has a new blog Too Fat For Fashion. Do check it out! You won't be disappointed.
And a PS: I have made a deal with myself that I cannot have a Frappuccino until I get back to updating regularly, which means no more two week breaks before furiously writing a hysterical missive. The CEO of Starbucks just started crying and he doesn't know why...
Mallory at 8/16/2006 04:05:00 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The Return of The Random
Whenever I pop in to do a monthly update, as seems to be my habit (which I will be stopping, because I made an August resolution to update regularly, like, for real, as God is my witness, and I will also never go hungry again), I feel like an inattentive mother remembering that she has a child. I think this is mostly because I am insane and also watch too many soap operas.
But an awful lot has happened lately, hasn't it? I can't believe that I didn't make a post solely to praise Emily Blunt for showing the world the most perfect examples of bitchface and eyerolling in recent memory. She needs a monument in her honor, I think.
Since my as yet undiagnosed and entirely made up ADD prevents me from remembering events that happened more than a week ago, I am going to reserve my comments for things that happened relatively recently.
All this means is that the contracts of the above will be extended, they will be given raises and even more horrible people will make their way onto the roster. Such is life.
I am also looking forward to being able to make jokes about troll dolls every single day, because that will never get old for me (tragically, I am being completely sincere on that count).
= 
Uncanny!
"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse."
The blatant ploy for sympathy at the end aside (if he had written that on instant messenger, it would have ended with an emoticon of sorts, like :o''( or something), I love how he says he said things that he does not believe to be true. You can get me drunk enough that I need to get my stomach pumped, and I wouldn't start screaming things that I don't believe to be true, like that Kevin Federline is handsome, or that Sienna Miller has great fashion sense. Nice try, Gibson, but we can't be fooled.
And I know I am falling right into the producers' clever trap in saying this, but Keith: honestly. Enough. Enough with the Keith. He's almost beaten Daniel Franco on the list of most horrible reality tv contestants; I don't think a day will come when I loathe someone more than Franco. But anyway, everything about Keith just screams "I'm better than you and I know it", as if he were a fashionable, thin version of White Goodman from Dodgeball, with more questionable sexuality and an inability to keep his eyes open. What is with that? Is it drugs, or does he just not think the general public is deserving of him making eye contact with us? I do wishe he'd stay around for a while, if only to cruelly mock Angela, who I think is a serial killer of sorts who they attempted to reform and now she satisfies her evil urges by creating ghastly garments.
It has been pretty much awesome these last few days, suffocating and painful heat wave aside. Yay!
Mallory at 8/02/2006 04:06:00 PM
Monday, July 03, 2006
You're Not The Boss, Heffa
It's a sad state of affairs if, in the year 2006, you find your day ruined by Alyssa Milano, but there you have it:
Your average baseball jersey is about to get the Charmed touch.
Good witch Alyssa Milano announced Friday that she'll be partnering with G-III Apparel Group and Major League Baseball� to create a line of ladies' baseball gear designed for juniors (aka WB fans).
The femme athletic wear will be distributed under the label TOUCH--by Alyssa Milano.
What the former Who's the Boss star has in mind, however, sounds as if it's tailor-made more for sitting in the stands rather than for sliding in the dirt. Stylish tops, denim and dresses are part of the proposed lineup, all "utilizing high quality fabrics and body-contouring silhouettes," per a release issued by Milano's publicist.
The sporty duds will have their debut at the Magic show in Las Vegas, which takes place Aug. 28 to 31, and then will be in stores by spring 2007 (in time for MLB's opening day, we presume).
"TOUCH--by Alyssa Milano was born out of necessity," the 33-year-old actress said in a statement. "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team."
Or, as in Milano's case, their favorite player. For the past few years, baseball has been more than a business--and more than a game, as well--to the aspiring designer. Milano was romantically linked to New York Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and then Oakland Athletics pitcher Barry Zito, and she's currently dating L.A. Dodgers--you guessed it--pitcher Brad Penny.
"Her personality and love for the game, combined with her fashion sense, will pave the way for success at boutiques, specialty stores and high-end department stores," Carl Banks, president of sports licensing for G-III, said in a statement. "I strongly believe that TOUCH�will bring the category to another level."
Shut. Up.
FIRSTLY, Touch by Alyssa Milano sounds dreadfully skanky.
SECONDLY, where was your devotion to style when you chose this outfit, Alyssa?!?!
THIRDLY, how many more major league pitchers will throw away their chance at a below-5 ERA in order to get into Alyssa Milano's pants?
FOURTHLY, even if they are okay with getting bad in order to be close with Alyssa Milano (Seriously, can someone explain this to me? Who's The Boss wasn't that good...), do they realize that it makes them UGLIER?! Or maybe they were always...unpretty and it just highlights it when she dates them, like she takes whatever hope they had of clinging onto presentability and uses them for nefarious purposes like keeping Charmed on the air eight seasons longer than it needed to be.
Dare I detect a subtle sheen of grease?
That...looks to be a cranberry colored crushed velvet outfit.
Don't look at it for too long or else you won't be able to look away.
FIFTH, "body-contouring silhouettes" makes me think of a catsuit
SIXTH, stuff like this "When I go to baseball games, I want to wear fan gear to support my team, but I've found that the product mix offered in the current marketplace does not address my everyday fashion needs. Women should be able to look stylish while cheering on their favorite team." makes me hate women. Same thing with pink baseball hats. Why can't you just wear a regular hat or t-shirt? Why do you have to shout from the rooftops that you are still girly? Pink is my favorite color and I appreciate its place in society, but come ON.
I feel ashamed of how irritated I am by this.
Mallory at 7/03/2006 06:34:00 PM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Horrible Lies
I am going to preface by saying that I am totally down with people who suffer from vision problems. I listen to Stevie Wonder. Steve Johnson is my favorite television character ever (and he's back! With amnesia! And Kayla is back too! OMGOMGOMG!). I'm totally rah rah for people who can't see.
Except for when they exert an unnatural amount of influence on People magazine. I know that I always say that People is a crap magazine and it is, but damn it, it's a crap magazine that a trillion people read and if you think I am just going to let zillions of people be influenced by the propaganda this bullshit magazine spreads, you are so wrong.
People is throwing all of its journalistic integrity out the window and falsely claiming, in its annual Hottest Bachelor issue, that the following people are hot, and actually, before I even start on that, why the hell are unmarried men hot in the eyes of People but when women aren't married the magazine headlines scream "EVERYTHING BUT LOVE" and similarly offensive garbage? I am getting madder by the moment.
Anyway, these people are not hot:
"American Idol" Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 "hottest bachelor" by People magazine — and he's looking for love.
The 29-year-old silver-haired crooner tops People's list in the magazine's new issue, on newsstands Friday. But the "Idol" winner says he'd happily give up his bachelor days.
"There's been no time," Hicks says of his dating life. "Now, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with the right woman."
Hicks also wants to find a woman he exchanged glances with on a recent airline flight. Of the mystery blonde, he says, "We waved and did a double-take look. It seemed like something out of a movie."
The magazine has set up e-mail and mailing addresses for the mystery woman to contact Hicks. The singer will also perform the song "Possibilities" in a new commercial for the Ford Motor Co., it was announced Wednesday.
Other "hot" bachelors — who aren't ranked by the magazine — are several celebrities no longer involved in high-profile romances, including Matthew McConaughey (ex-boyfriend of Penelope Cruz), Nick Lachey (formerly married to Jessica Simpson), Jake Gyllenhaal (who dated Kirsten Dunst) and Kenny Chesney (briefly married to Renee Zellweger).
The list also includes Ryan Seacrest, Jamie Foxx, Owen Wilson and Wentworth Miller.
Seriously. Shut the hell up, People. Having Taylor Hicks top the list of Hottest anything is like proclaiming Stella Tenant to be the most gorgeous woman in the history of ever: AN EFFING LIE. Just...no.
It makes me want to run as fast as I can, and since I never run if I can help it, sweaty Taylor Hicks joins only ax-wielding maniac on my list of Things That Will Make Me Sprint.
Before anybody starts with unshallow statements like "But he's an awesome singer" or "he seems really nice", I will remind you that this is not what the list is about. The list is about being hot, in the superficial sense. Taylor Hicks is not hot. He is just not. I will not hear anything to the contrary. Not. Hot.
Also, between naming Ryan Seacrest, Kenny Chesney, Jake Gyllenhaal, Wentworth Miller and Matthew McConaughey, I am wondering if the United Federation of (Barely) Closeted Actors negotiated with the blind in order to put this list together. And what is with this magazine's obsession with Matthew McConaughey? First Sexiest Man Alive and now this. It's like down is up and up is down and it's 1996 again, back when there was anything remotely appealing about him, back before we knew about the naked bongoes and the relationship with professional beard Penelope Cruz.
And also, Ryan Seacrest? No. Let's not feed his ego even more, People. He already thinks he's the prettiest princess at the party, he doesn't need added validation, and also, he looks like a deep fried frog.
I do not like this, Sam I Am.
I also do not like seeing Britney Spears on The Today Show first thing in the morning blubbering about the paparazzi and how she's a real good momma. I am a big fan of pre-Federline Britney and willing to go on the record as such, but...I find her seriously distressing these days. That sort of thing should not be show early in the morning and if it must be, it should be accompanied by a viewer discretion warning, because she was all sniffly and greasy and her makeup was smeared, and I can't even talk about it anymore.
The girl is a hot mess.
No changing table? No problem. One June 4, Britney Spears, 24, with 9-month-old son Sean in tow, picked up pink thongs at a Victoria’s Secret in Mission Viejo, California. Her next order of, uh, business? Changing Sean’s dirty diaper — on the floor next to the cash register! Says the source, “Britney then tried to hand it to an employee,” but the salesperson wouldn’t take it.
What the hell?! I mean, I guess it's better than the floor of a gas station, but damn. If you are tired of every person in America calling you trash, don't do stuff like that!
Mallory at 6/15/2006 12:17:00 PM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Q: What Has Two Thumbs And Hates The World?
A: THIS GIRL!
It seems like every which way I turn (which is an awful lot; my short attention span means that I turn quite often), I see something that provokes in me a certain level of annoyance, from mild irritation to outrage. This, coupled with the fact that I turned 23 this week and am thus nearing antiquity, makes me think that I should either (1)hire people to disseminate news and gossip to me, filtering out anything that would get my ire up (2)become a hermit (3)turn to Scientology (4)embrace the rage and become that scary bag lady who yells that you are going to hell when you walk by her.
All worthy options, natch. Perhaps I will use a Magic 8 Ball.
I have been so neglectful of my poor blog lately, as I have been relentlessly negative about everything and felt bad writing down rants about everything, but seriously: is it just me or is the world at large extremely annoying these days?
EXHIBIT A: THE YANKEES/RED SOX RIVALRY
You know how most soap operas have that one big central rivalry? Like Katherine and Jill on The Young and the Restless, Brooke and Erica on All My Children and Vicki and Dorian on One Life To Live? Okay, maybe you don't know that because you aren't drawn to daytime tv the way I am...uh, anyway, since, like, 1976, all of these bitches have been fighting with each other and every single time they have a BIG CONFRONTATION, the soap opera magazines (which I do not read) have it on their cover: "KATHERINE THREATENS JILL!" "VICKI AND DORIAN: FACE TO FACE!"
But with soap operas being what they are, these confrontations happen at least twice every six months, which means that the soap opera press has been running the same story four months yearly for the past 30 years and treating it as if it were something totally groundbreaking and important. Like, all caps IMPORTANT.
This is how the sports media is with the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. Perhaps this is just the sour grapes speaking after last night's debacle, but seriously. The two teams play each other twenty times between April and October and each series is prefaced by "SHOWDOWN IN BEANTOWN: YANKEES VS. SOX" or "BASEBALL'S GREATEST RIVALRY REVISTED" or something written to stir up the troops and get people all excited for the GREATEST SERIES OF ALL TIME.
How do we not all have excitement fatigue by now? It's just such a...let down. Like, you get all excited "Ohmigod, biggest series ever!" and then you're watching the two game series and you're like, "Uh, it's the first week in May, is this really so major?" and then four weeks later they play again and you're like "Ohmigod...wait, this seems familiar" and in between running to Web MD and diagnosing yourself with a brain injury and muting the chatter of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, you realized that you totally got played.
I, personally, am over it. You can only read so many semi-hysterical articles or books about it before you officially just lose your mind. I am at that point in my life, where hearing my arch enemy Michael Kay talk about what an important series this is fills me with such rage that I want to break things, but I don't even have the energy to pick something up to break it.
And if I feel this way, I can only imagine what the rest of the world feels like what with the constant coverage of two teams who are basically filled with overpaid assholes.
Yes, I can see why this matchup is worthy of being discussed for roughly 3/4 of the baseball season. They are all so endearing and fascinating and it's never been done before!
EXHIBIT B: TAYLOR HICKS WILL PROBABLY WIN AMERICAN IDOL
Yes, Kat McPhee screeches more often than not. Yes, she is soulless and has an annoying stage mother. Yes, she probably should have gone home before Chris.
But if she doesn't win, I will cry.
Taylor Hicks is just...why does he do the things he does? Why does he have spasms and seizures and distract people from his voice with his antics?
EXHIBIT C: LISA RINNA HAUNTS MY DREAMS
I don't have too many irrational fears, except for clowns and wide-ruled paper. Oh, and murderous children. And--okay, so I have irrational fears, but few of them compare to the combination of terror and fascination I feel about Lisa Rinna.
In order for any of this to make sense, I must make some startling admissions:
Maybe those aren't startling, as I have made it well known that I have bad taste in many areas of my life....
Due to the above, and the media's fascination with Dancing With The Stars, a show that I am proud to say I have never watched, I have had to deal with Lisa Rinna more than the average person. And she scares me.
Back when she played Billie Reed on Days of Our Lives, she was an odd looking person, but I was more disturbed by the poor Bo Brady recast than her face.
She still looked marginally human on Melrose Place
But recently, she made the foolish move of having collagen, despite her lips already being enormous. And, on top of that, she has become an over aerobicized freak with muscles popping out all over. And, on top of that, she seems to bathe in self tanner hourly. The end result is a hot mess.
Now, if I were a deformity of such epic proportions, I would never leave the house, but there she is, everywhere, screeching like a howler monkey. She is just so...abrasive. And I seriously think she'd cut someone. There's something crazy in her eyes.
EXHIBIT D: TERI HATCHER
Why? Why does she brag about not having sex in every interview she gives? Is it meant to make the common person say, "Hey! A Hollywood superstah can't get any, either! Stars really ARE just like us!" Because I think it makes her look even more pathetic and I didn't think that was possible. The woman willingly stepped out in public with Ryan Seacrest, ruining her chances to have the approval of the world at large because no other woman has done something so foolish.
EXHIBIT E: A SUSPICIOUS LACK OF PICTURES OF SURI CRUISE
Brooke Shields has already taken baby Grier, born the same day as Suri, to lunch at the Ivy and Tom and Katie's baby has not been seen yet. What gives, Tom? Have you not yet purchased a black market baby to pass off as your own?
Mallory at 5/23/2006 12:15:00 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Speechless
If you all of a sudden felt sick to your stomach and didn't know why, odds are that you aren't sick, you are just feeling the effects of the WORLD COMING TO AN END because Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes HAD THEIR BABY or should I say "HAD" THEIR "BABY" because it's AWFULLY convenient that all of us had been sitting there saying "Uh, she's been pregnant for like fourteen years" and FREAKING OUT over what a WACKADOO Tom Cruise is for "joking" about eating the baby's placenta and realizing that THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT, NONE OF IT and all of a sudden the baby is born? I DON'T THINK SO!
You can't fool me, Tom. You may be able to send me into a fit of hysteria so fierce that I keep typing in capital letters to best convey how shrieky I am over the world ending, but you can't fool me!
The couple "joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today," the actor's rep said in a statement after PEOPLE first broke the news. "The child weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 20 inches in length. Both mother and daughter are doing well."
Mmmmhmmm. If by "welcomed the arrival of a baby girl" you mean "finally put the pillow back in the closet [but not that kind of closet because none of those involved are homosexual in any way] and bought a baby on the black market like Bobbie did on General Hospital before she got involved in a long custody battle with Tiffany Hill and won even though she is nowhere near as awesome as Tiffany", then yes, that is exactly what happened, Tom Cruise's rep, and it's so CONVENIENT how you're all up on being PReriffic today, like, fourteen seconds after the "baby" was "born", but when Tom is yapping about EATING PLACENTA and scary intensely talking to Diane Sawyer about CUPCAKES, you are nowhere to be found.
I am almost positive that this news has made me develop a heart murmur.
Mallory at 4/18/2006 07:19:00 PM